Personality Plus: How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself

  What a unique honor to be lauded for what you didn’t do, and praised for what you stayed out of! Perfect credits for Peaceful Phlegmatic. One commentator said, “It seemed more important to know who Ford was not than to know who he was.”

  Peaceful Phlegmatic’s ability to administer is based on his desire to get along and not rock the boat, as well as his objective overview of people, without having to get involved. School supervisory personnel is heavy with Peaceful Phlegmatics, for they can deal well with both pupil and faculty. Military officials are frequently Peaceful Phlegmatic because they can follow orders, work patiently up through the ranks, not panic under pressure, and not need to be creative or have their own way.

  A recent statistic says 80 percent of all people fired from jobs are relieved of their duties because of their inability to get along with people rather than incompetence. Bearing this in mind, it is clear why Peaceful Phlegmatic has an edge over the other temperaments in steady, competent employment.

  Mediates Problems

  In any area of life there is some kind of conflict: parent/child; teacher/pupil; boss/employee; friend/friend. As the other three temperaments strain and strike, Peaceful Phlegmatic tries to keep peace in the ranks. As men struggle on choppy waters, Peaceful Phlegmatic lifts his head and calms the seas. As others fight for their own way, Peaceful Phlegmatic can sit back and give an objective opinion. Every home and business needs at least one Peaceful Phlegmatic to look at both sides and mete out a calm, cool, and collected reply.

  I sat next to a Peaceful Phlegmatic psychologist who told me he was in the ideal profession. “What other temperaments could sit quietly all day, listen to other people’s problems, and give an unbiased prescription?”

  Warren Christopher, chief U.S. negotiator in the Iran hostage crisis, was praised in a Los Angeles Times article by Robert Jackson. Typical Peaceful Phlegmatic terms were: cool, disciplined, tight-lipped, poker-faced, diplomatic, self-effacing, low-key style, discreet, soft-spoken, collected manner. He was “the ideal man to deal the cards in the hostage negotiations.” He never got angry and he smoothed relations.

  The Bible tells us we should be “blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke . . . ” (Phil. 2:15), and Peaceful Phlegmatics come the closest to filling this requirement. They don’t cause trouble; they get along with others; and they don’t have enemies. Jerry Ford got to the top, not because of brilliant programs, but because he never made enemies on the way up. He once said of himself, “I have lots of adversaries but no enemies I can remember.”

  Times says of former President George Bush, “He has no fanatical followers, but loads of friends, scarcely a foe, and an impeccable record of public service.”

  Other temperaments can work hard to win friends and influence people, but this unique ability is the chief gift of Peaceful Phlegmatic. Frequently, I will have a Powerful Choleric man come up to me after a seminar and ask why he was passed up for promotion, after doing all the creative work in the company. Usually the man who got the “big job” was “a dummy” he’d never even noticed, and who had absolutely no credentials. Upon some slight investigation, I usually find “the dummy” was a steady Peaceful Phlegmatic, who did his work well, got along with everyone, and caused no trouble. The Powerful Choleric had dynamic ideas, had forged ahead, and had made many enemies along the way. When it’s time to choose the new leader, management frequently reaches for the one who has no enemies.

  Easy to Get Along With

  Peaceful Phlegmatic has many friends because he is so easy to get along with, and all the other temperaments need such companions. As children and teenagers, Peaceful Phlegmatics are the ones who seldom give a mother trouble and who are joys to have around. Recently Barbara Beuler showed me a copy of a letter she had written to her daughter. It so beautifully expressed the positive qualities of the Peaceful Phlegmatic that I am including it here.

  Dear Shara,

  As I reflect back on our eighteen years together, I realize how much we have to be thankful for that God blessed us with a Peaceful Phlegmatic daughter. You provide the important balance in the family that includes a Powerful Choleric father, Perfect Melancholy mother, and Popular Sanguine brother. When you were just a baby, you used to play so happily in your playpen with your toys. We had just started our own business in the home, and you fit in so well with the bookkeeping.

  Your brother, who is two years older, planned the mischief and the fun. Your famous phrase, which we still tease you about today, was “Me too.”

  Last Christmas, you were trying desperately to get a word in edgewise, but the whole family was talking noisily and loudly. With your calm, dry sense of humor, you quietly remarked, “Oh, I’ll just talk into a tape recorder, and you guys can listen to it later.” That got our attention and oh, how we laughed.

  I’m so glad, as a mother, that I have been able to have some understanding of the temperaments. When the schoolteacher remarked, “Shara is always late but she is always faithful,” I was able to see this with humor.

  I remember when a friend confided in you that she wanted to run away from home, you coaxed her to calm down and try to see her parents’ point of view.

  You so happily accept yourself just as you are, and understand your own temperament so well that you remarked to me, “That’s what is so nice about having Peaceful Phlegmatic friends; they hardly ever move, so you always have their phone numbers.”

  The manager where you work is going to keep you even though business is slow because, in her own words, “Shara is such a good, steady worker and so cheerful with the customers. She works so well with the other employees, and even though it takes her forever to clean the equipment, she cleans it so thoroughly.”

  Shara, I have enjoyed our very pleasant eighteen years together. I can hardly wait to see how you are going to let your future happen. But I do know, that whatever you decide, you will be committed and content.

  Love,

  MOM

  Has Many Friends

  Peaceful Phlegmatic is the greatest friend of all, because his total assets add up to positive human relations. He is easygoing, relaxed, calm, cool, well balanced, patient, consistent, peaceful, inoffensive, and pleasant. What more could anyone ever ask in a friend? The Peaceful Phlegmatic friend always has time for you. When you visit a Powerful Choleric girlfriend, she is polishing, rearranging, or folding, while you both are conversing, giving you the feeling that her time is too valuable to spend on you alone. The Peaceful Phlegmatic friend will drop everything, sit down, and relax.

  I had one Peaceful Phlegmatic friend who was a great mother to her brood, but housework was not a high priority. If I dropped by in the middle of the morning, the kitchen table would still have the cereal bowls, the open boxes, and the milk from breakfast. We’d both sit down, push the debris to one side, make room for our elbows, and enjoy each other’s company. Since the mess didn’t bother her, it didn’t bother me.

  Is a Good Listener

  Another reason Peaceful Phlegmatics have many friends is that they are good listeners. As a group, Peaceful Phlegmatics would rather listen than talk. Peaceful Phlegmatic can keep quiet. He doesn’t have to say a word, and other temperaments love to have people they can spout off to in time of need. Popular Sanguines, especially, need Peaceful Phlegmatic friends who will let them talk and provide a responsive audience. When I was the president of the Women’s Club of San Bernardino, I had a perfect Peaceful Phlegmatic friend, Lucy, next door. Each Wednesday after the meeting I would stop at her home and tell her all the frustrating and hilarious stories about my club day. She would listen, smile, commiserate, and nod, and when I’d said it all, she’d thank me for coming and I would leave.

  All Popular Sanguines need good, quiet Peaceful Phlegmatic friends!

  Gentle words cause life and health; griping brings discouragement.

  Proverbs 15:4 TLB

  PART THREE

  Personality Plan:

  A Way to Overcome Our Perso
nal Weaknesses

  Positives Carried to Extremes Become Negatives

  In each one of us are good and bad—we have traits that are positive and traits that produce negative responses in others. Quite often the same characteristics can be both a plus and a minus, according to degree, and many positives carried to extremes become negatives.

  Popular Sanguine’s great ability to carry on a colorful conversation whether in the Co-op or the Congo is a plus envied by others; but carried to extremes Popular Sanguine is constantly talking, monopolizing, interrupting, and straying too far from the truth.

  Perfect Melancholy’s deep analytical thinking is a genius trait, much respected by those of lighter minds; yet carried to extremes, he becomes brooding and depressed.

  Powerful Choleric’s gift for quick, incisive leadership is desperately needed in every phase of life today; but carried to extremes, Powerful Choleric becomes bossy, controlling, and manipulative.

  Peaceful Phlegmatics easygoing nature is an admirable combination that makes him the favorite of any group; yet carried to extremes, Peaceful Phlegmatic doesn’t care about doing anything and is indifferent and indecisive.

  As we look at each one of these temperaments with an eye to examining ourselves, we should note those attributes that cause positive responses in others and lift our self-image. Then we should reflect on these characteristics. Then we should pay special attention to those extremes of behavior that are offensive to others, and, finally, pledge to ourselves that we will dedicate our human and spiritual resources to overcoming these problem areas.

  Remember all the great heroes we studied in Shakespeare: Hamlet, Macbeth, King Lear, and the Henrys? They all were great men who accomplished much, but each one had a “tragic flaw” that caused his downfall.

  Each one of us has hero blood within our veins, and how exciting it is to discover our strengths and use them wisely! But as with these men of old, each one of us has some “tragic flaw,” which, left untended, may result in a downfall for us. Let’s each one of us examine ourselves realistically and find our flaws before it is too late.

  If you refuse criticism you will end in poverty and disgrace; if you accept criticism you are on the road to fame.

  Proverbs 13:18 TLB

  CHAPTER 8

  Let’s Organize Popular Sanguine

  Popular Sanguines are the most willing of all to change, because they love new ideas and projects, and because they are sincerely devoted to being popular and inoffensive. There are two major problems, however, that keep Popular Sanguines from making the necessary improvements.

  No Follow-Through

  First, while they have good intentions, they seldom follow through on any given plan. After I explain to a Popular Sanguine what he has to do to overcome his weaknesses, I ask, “When are you going to put this into action?” Usually the person will say, “I can’t start today, and I’ll be out of town tomorrow—and we’ve got company for the weekend.” Right there they’ve lost the fight.

  No-Fault People

  Second, they are such a fun-loving group, with such engaging personalities, they can’t really believe they have any major faults. They don’t really take themselves seriously.

  When I go over Popular Sanguine weaknesses in a seminar, they all laugh at them but don’t feel they’re bad enough to demand action. I understand, because I felt the same way. Before I was married, I was adorable and the life of the party, but overnight I became stupid. Fred let me know that I might have been cute in Haverhill, but I wasn’t very funny in New York. It never occurred to me he was right; I figured he was dull and unappreciative. So I played the role he wanted from me when I was with him, and was my own charming self with others. It wasn’t until I began studying the personalities that my eyes were opened to the fact that Fred was not alone in his opinions.

  As I became aware that my weaknesses weren’t all in Fred’s head, I developed some suggestions for me and other Popular Sanguines.

  PROBLEM: Popular Sanguines Talk Too Much

  Solution 1: Talk Half as Much as Before

  Since Popular Sanguines have no feel for figures, it would be wasted advice to suggest cutting conversation by 22 percent, but they do have a general grasp of half of anything. Good guidelines would be for you Popular Sanguines to talk half as much as before. The simple way to control yourself is to delete every other story you are compelled to tell. You will feel sorry for what the public is missing, but they will never know what they didn’t hear, and that’s all to the good. It’s better to have the group enjoy what you said than be stifled by your total control of the conversation—no matter how adorable your stories may be.

  Can You Top This?

  Fred and I went to the family reunion caused by the death of his ninety-seven-year-old grandmother. On the first day together, the gathering resembled a “Can You Top This” television program. Each relative felt led to chronicle the glories of his career, only to be overwhelmed by the next brother. That night in our room Fred came up with what proved to be a terrible idea: “Why don’t we keep quiet and see how long it is before anyone asks us a question or pulls us into the conversation?” I didn’t like this plan right from the start, but I figured I could wait out a few hours.

  We started our repressive routine right after breakfast, continued through lunch, all afternoon, through dinner and the evening. By the time we got to our room, my eyes were bulging out of my head with pressure, and I thought I was going to explode. “This is ridiculous!” I cried. “I can’t stand this another minute.”

  Fred smiled, “I’ve enjoyed every minute of it, and we’ll try it again tomorrow.”

  “Another day of suppressed stories? I’ll have a nervous breakdown!” We did have another full day of suppressed stories, and I did not have a nervous breakdown. It was close—but I survived.

  The next morning, before we left for the plane, Fred’s mother said, “You’ve been quiet for the last hour, Fred. Is there something wrong?” He assured her he was fine, and she patted him and said, “Lovely, dearie, lovely.”

  The worst insult was that neither she nor anyone else ever noticed I had said nothing for two full days. Here I had a lifetime record and didn’t even get a trophy! But I did learn a painful lesson: The world can get along—even seem relatively happy—if I don’t open my mouth. Therefore, my new role of talking only half as much as before seems like a reprieve.

  Why don’t you Popular Sanguines see how long you can go mute before someone notices the change?

  Solution 2: Watch for Signs of Boredom

  The other three temperaments wouldn’t need to be told what “signs of boredom” are, but the Popular Sanguines, unable to even entertain the thought they might be boring, need to be clearly told that when a person is pulling away from your grip, that means they’ve lost interest in your tale. When your audience stands on tiptoe, glancing desperately over the crowd, trying to catch someone’s eye, they want out. When they break away to go to the bathroom and never return, you should get the hint. The signs aren’t difficult to notice, once you entertain the possibility.

  Solution 3: Condense Your Comments

  “Get to the point,” is a statement Fred has made to me for about forty years, perhaps because I’ve never felt the point was really the point. I’ve adhered to the slogan “telling them is half the fun.” Consequently, I’ve rarely made a simple statement. I tend to overdress the drama. Likewise, I would be embarrassed to expose a naked story stripped to the bare bones.

  While I’ve always felt this gift for storytelling was an asset, carried to extremes it becomes a liability. I have learned that not everyone has the time or interest to last out a Popular Sanguine monologue. Although I feel the total historical background is essential for understanding a current comment, I have found no one seems to suffer if spared one detail (or even a dozen).

  One day I came up with a provocative idea. I made an agreement with myself that if I was in the middle of a perfectly charming story, and it was s
omehow interrupted, I would not pick the thread up again until someone asked me to continue. My first test came as a group of us was heading on a shopping trip. I was in the middle of a delightful story when, at a critical point with the heroine at the edge of a cliff, the driver asked to see the map to make sure she was heading in the right direction. I held my breath, waiting for someone to ask, “And then what happened?” but no one did. I stayed on the edge of my seat, ready to spring into verbal action, but no one ever looked my way. Didn’t they care what happened to Harriet? I wanted to shake them and say, “Remember Harriet? She was hanging over a cliff. Don’t you want to hear the rest?” I remembered my pledge to myself: Don’t finish unless asked; and no one asked.

  This rejection was an unbelievable answer to my test. People sometimes do get so weary of a long, amplified story that they just don’t care how the whole thing turns out—even when I’m the one telling it.

  My Popular Sanguine friend Nancy agreed to test out the same theory and got the same results. We’ve made a quiet pact between us that when this trauma falls upon either one of us, the other will eagerly say, “Go on, go on! I can hardly wait to hear the rest!” Oh, how I love Nancy!