Hard to Be Good (Hard Ink #3.5)

  His tattoo.

  Jeremy.

  Shit.

  Even nervous as he was about everyone’s reactions, Charlie felt like hell for denying Jeremy, for saying they weren’t together. Guilt stewed in his gut until he was nauseous.

  But he could make that right.

  All he had to do was talk to Jeremy. Tell him why he was nervous. And see where Jer stood on the question of coming out to everyone else. For all Charlie knew, maybe Jeremy wanted to keep them quiet for now, too. After all, they were brand new and still figuring things out themselves.

  Bending over the sink, Charlie splashed cold water on his face.

  Just talk to Jeremy.

  Charlie nodded to his reflection in the mirror.

  That would make everything better.

  JEREMY STOOD IN the darkness and stared at the door for a long time after the conversation faded away. He’d awakened as Charlie attempted to slip out of his room, and gotten out of bed when he’d heard Nick giving the guy the third degree.

  Which was how he’d overheard Charlie saying they weren’t together. Twice. Three times, depending on how he looked at it.

  After what they’d shared last night—hell, all of yesterday—Charlie wouldn’t even acknowledge them to Nick and Becca? Both of whom obviously knew Charlie was gay and Jeremy was bisexual. Shit, as much time as he and Charlie spent together, Jeremy didn’t think it’d strike anyone as a real surprise.

  At first, Charlie’s denial had set off an uncomfortable ache in the center of Jeremy’s chest. Being denied like that sucked.

  Charlie was shy, Jeremy was well aware. But it wasn’t like the guy was still in the closet.

  But then Jeremy had sat on the edge of the bed for a long time, head in his hands, replaying what he’d heard. And the more times he did so, the worse it felt. Not just like being denied, but like being rejected.

  His heart hurt, like it was suddenly and violently empty. And then he realized why.

  He was in love with Charlie.

  He was in love with Charlie, and Charlie was denying to the closest people in their lives that they were even together.

  Fuck.

  And here Jeremy had thought he’d be the one to have problems coming to terms with choosing to commit to a man. After all, Jeremy was walking on totally new ground not just considering having a relationship with a man, but actually developing the feelings to commit to one. All the way.

  And he had. Jeremy was all in.

  All in love with Charlie.

  Jeremy sat there so long spinning on what he’d heard and what it meant and what to do about it, that it was well after seven o’clock before he got his shit together, cleaned up, and made his way over to the gym.

  Which meant he had no opportunity to have a private conversation with Charlie about any of it. And for now, that suited Jeremy just fine.

  Because he was hurt, and that was making him pissed. It was probably better to chill his ass out for a while before trying to talk through everything with the man he loved.

  When he entered the gym, the first thing he saw was Eileen, lying on her back, legs sticking up everywhere, as she stared at Cy, perched on a high shelf of equipment and glaring down at the puppy. Cy. Jeremy hadn’t even realized he’d settled on a name for their newest resident until just then. Charlie’s name. Of course.

  Crossing the gym to the work area in the back corner of the room, Jeremy laid eyes on Charlie for the first time since last night. And just seeing him made Jeremy’s body go haywire.

  Red-hot desire spiked his pulse because being inside Charlie last night had been fucking amazing. Soul-deep yearning made his heart pang with want to touch Charlie again, to be with him, to claim him once and for all. And gut-punching hurt wracked through him all over again as his brain unhelpfully replayed the words Jeremy had overheard.

  “Hey,” Jeremy said as he approached Marz’s desk. “Sorry I’m late. Overslept.” Hard as it was, Jeremy didn’t look at Charlie. Acting as casual as he could, he rounded the new table of computers and took a seat across from Becca and Nick.

  “No worries, hoss,” Marz said in his normal jovial way.

  “I’ll just dive back in where I left off last night,” Jeremy said, busying himself with opening the files he needed and pretending to read his notes from the night before.

  “Everything okay?” Nick asked.

  “Yeah, sure,” Jeremy said. When he realized Nick was staring at him, he finally looked up. “What?”

  For a long moment, Jeremy was sure Nick was going to push the issue. Damn brother could be really annoyingly perceptive when you didn’t want him to be. But Nick just shrugged. “Nothing.”

  Jeremy meant to look right back down again, but his gaze betrayed him, straying over toward Charlie.

  Charlie was looking at him, and his whole face brightened when they made eye contact, his lips lifting into a small smile.

  Well, that’s fucking confusing.

  Jeremy managed a single nod and ducked his chin, though he didn’t miss the hurt flashing through Charlie’s eyes at the lack of any normal greeting. But Jeremy didn’t have it in him to put on a happy face this morning, not when it was possible that he’d fallen in love with a man who wasn’t anywhere close to being there with him.

  The whole morning went on like that. Jeremy would be sure Charlie was staring at him, and would look up only for Charlie to quickly look away. Or Jeremy would find himself staring at Charlie, only to pretend that he was absolutely engrossed in what he was reading on his monitor when Charlie noticed.

  “Food break?” Marz asked.

  Frowning, Jeremy looked at the little digital clock in the bottom corner of his computer screen to find that it was quarter after twelve.

  “I’ll throw some sandwiches together, if you like,” Charlie offered. “I can bring everything back over here with some drinks. Or whatever.”

  “That would be awesome,” Marz said.

  Charlie rose and nailed Jeremy with a stare. “Wanna help?” He held up his bum hand.

  Jeremy’s heart tripped into sprint. The conversation he wanted to have with Charlie couldn’t be compressed into the ten minutes it would take to make lunch. Assuming they’d even be alone over at the apartment. But he also didn’t want to be put in the position of pretending nothing was wrong. “Sorry, but I’m almost done with a section of documents and I’d, uh, really like to finish it.”

  He felt like an ass making up the excuse, especially as the words seemed to deflate Charlie.

  The guy hugged himself. “Oh, sure. Of course.”

  “I’m at a good stopping place,” Becca said. “So I’ll help.” She got up, smiled at Charlie, and they left.

  Jeremy tried to focus on reading, but found himself rereading the same lines over and over. By the time he got to the end of the briefing document he’d been working on, he had no idea what it said.

  He sighed, and Nick and Marz both turned to him.

  “What’s going on?” Nick asked just as Marz said, “What’s up with you and Charlie?”

  Nick and Marz were gonna drill him about this?

  Kill me now. “Nothing,” Jeremy said, training his gaze at the screen. If he made eye contact with either of them, the jig was gonna be up.

  A minute passed, maybe two. Jeremy glanced up to find Nick smirking at him.

  “Dude,” Nick said. “You’re so full of shit right now.”

  “For real,” Marz said. “Tension’s been so thick in here all morning it’s been hard to breathe.”

  Ooooor maybe the jig was already up. Jeremy groaned and hung his head backward. He ground the heels of his palms into his eyes. “Fuck.”

  “Does this have anything to do with Charlie walk-of-shaming it outta your room this morning at oh-dark-hundred?” Nick asked.

  “Really? That’s awe
some,” Marz said.

  Jeremy glared at his brother and watched as Marz’s smile fell.

  “Wait. Why’s that bad?” Marz asked.

  “It’s not,” Jeremy finally said.

  “So . . . are you guys together?” Nick asked, his tone careful, like he knew where the mines lay in this conversation.

  Heaving a deep breath, Jeremy shrugged. “I thought we were.”

  The lightbulb went on behind Nick’s eyes, and the sympathy Jeremy saw there felt like all kinds of shit. “Oh. Oh, hell. You overheard . . .”

  Jeremy crossed his arms and nodded.

  Across the gym, the door opened and a whole group of people streamed in. Charlie, Becca, Kat, and Beckett carried plates of food. Emilie, Shane, and Sara carried armfuls of bottled water and soda cans. Behind them were Easy, Jenna, Dare, and a few other Ravens.

  “Come on over,” Becca called. “Lunch is served.”

  Nick rose, came around to Jeremy’s seat, and clapped him on the shoulder. “Just talk to him.” And then he was gone.

  “Ditto that,” Marz said as he got up. “Hate seeing two of my favorite people so unhappy.”

  Jeremy nodded. He sat there for a few minutes debating what to do. Nick and Marz were right. They needed to talk. As soon as their shift was over, Jeremy would take Charlie to his room and hash this out once and for all.

  Gonna be a long fucking day ’til then, though.

  Yeah.

  Jeremy got up to see Cy watching him from underneath Marz’s desk. Crouching, Jeremy held out a hand. “Psst, psst. Come here, Cy.”

  The cat blinked once, twice, and then took a few cautious steps forward.

  “It’s okay,” Jeremy said. “Come on.”

  Jeremy wasn’t sure how long he sat there trying to coax the cat to trust him. Cy would take a few steps, then hesitate, then take a few more. But finally, miraculously, Cy was close enough to stretch and sniff his hand.

  “See? It’s okay.”

  Cy sniffed him again, then rubbed his head against Jeremy’s whole palm, his one good eye closing like it felt so good, like he’d been dying for a pet but had been too scared to let anyone do it.

  It had just taken time and patience and a little coaxing.

  As Cy rubbed his body against Jeremy’s legs, those words settled into his brain. What if those were all Charlie needed, too? Damnit, he really didn’t want to wait until this evening to clear things up. The tension between them was eating him up inside, and Jeremy hated those flashes of hurt he’d seen on Charlie’s face more than once.

  Gently, Jeremy slipped his hands around Cy, testing to see if the cat would allow himself to be picked up. He did. And it made Jeremy grin.

  “I got you, kitty dude. Don’t you worry,” Jeremy said, petting the cat’s soft head. At some point, he’d need a bath and a trip to the vet to get checked out, but right now, all he seemed to need was some love.

  Slowly, Jeremy rose, the cat tucked against his chest, and turned to find Charlie standing about fifteen feet away.

  “You got him to let you pet him,” Charlie said, not quite making eye contact.

  “Yeah. His name is Cy, by the way.” Jeremy walked closer to the other man, his gut clenching in regret at the invisible wall that seemed to stand between them.

  “Yeah?” A smile flitted across Charlie’s face, then disappeared again.

  “Wanna see if he’ll let you touch him, too?” Jeremy asked.

  “Oh. I don’t want to scare him,” Charlie said, his voice so flat it was breaking Jeremy’s heart.

  Jeremy shrugged. “Don’t worry about that. If you do, we’ll just try again another time. I think he really wants some love, though.”

  Charlie slowly closed the distance between them. When he stood right in front of Jeremy, he held out his hand and let Cy sniff it, and then the cat let Charlie get as far as stroking his head a few times.

  Raucous laughter erupted over at the table, and the cat exploded out of Jeremy’s arms. Cy was no more than an orange flash as he bolted across the room and into a hiding place.

  “See? He totally let you,” Jeremy said.

  Charlie lifted his gaze, and his eyes were such an amazing deep blue. “Jeremy?”

  “Yeah?”

  Emotions Jeremy couldn’t read seemed to flit over Charlie’s expression until he finally frowned and shook his head.

  “What is it, Charlie?” Jeremy’s gut tensed and his heart started to sink. Whatever Charlie was working up to say didn’t seemed like it was going to be good. Sonofabitch.

  “Just . . . damnit . . .” He tugged at his blond hair and dropped his gaze again.

  “Char—”

  “Fuck it,” Charlie said. And then he stepped right up to Jeremy’s body, grasped his face, and kissed him like Jeremy was the air he needed to breathe.

  Chapter 11

  IT WAS ENTIRELY possible that Charlie was going to have a heart attack. Because he was kissing Jeremy right out in the open, just like he’d always wished he could be brave enough to do.

  And then the cheering and catcalling started from over at the table. No going back now, not that Charlie wanted to. Not at all.

  But that didn’t keep Charlie’s pulse from racing so hard that he could feel it beating against his skin everywhere.

  He just hadn’t been able to take the distance between him and Jeremy for one more minute. And he couldn’t stand being ruled by fear for even one more second of his life.

  The instant his lips crashed into Jeremy’s, Charlie realized something he’d never known before. Conquering fear didn’t mean not being afraid, it meant being afraid of something and doing it anyway. It meant saying no to fear—no you can’t rule me, no you can’t hold me back, no you can’t keep me from the things I want the most. Not anymore.

  If there were going to be consequences for loving someone as incredible as Jeremy Rixey, Charlie would take every one. Because Jeremy was worth the risk.

  When Jeremy moaned into the kiss and his arms threaded around Charlie’s back, Charlie’s heart grew so big inside his chest that it hurt in the most beautiful way. Ignoring their audience, he poured everything he had into the kiss until there was just them, this moment, this kiss.

  Finally, they broke apart, their faces still touching.

  “It’s about frickin’ time,” Marz yelled to more laughter.

  Jeremy chuckled and it made Charlie smile, even though his face was on fire and the room was spinning around him and the floor felt a bit wavy beneath his feet.

  “Are you okay?” Jeremy asked, his hand slipping to cup Charlie’s neck.

  “I am now,” Charlie said, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry if you didn’t want anyone to know about us, but I—”

  Jeremy kissed him, cutting off his words, and then leaned his forehead against Charlie’s. “I don’t care who knows, Charlie. I don’t care if everybody in the whole world knows. I only care about you.”

  Relief flooded through Charlie’s veins. “Can we please talk?”

  “Hell yes, we can talk.” Jeremy took Charlie by the hand, their fingers intertwined, and led him toward the door. About halfway across the room, Jeremy waved off a new round of clapping and whistles.

  Charlie stopped and looked across the room. They were all smiling at them. The whole team and all their girlfriends. Even the couple of Ravens he didn’t know. Smiling and laughing, like they were happy for them. And it made Charlie happier than he’d ever been in his life—happy to have found someone like Jeremy, happy to have found all these crazy people, happy to have taken a chance.

  “Hey Shane?” Charlie called. “The cat’s name is Cy.”

  “What?” Shane said, shooting up from his chair. “That shit ain’t fair!”

  More laughter followed them out the door and into the quiet of the hallway.

  “M
y room?” Jeremy asked, keying in the code to the apartment door with his free hand. His other hand still clutched Charlie’s tight.

  “Sure,” Charlie said.

  In Jeremy’s room, they sat on the edge of the bed, thigh to thigh. Both of them started to talk at the same time.

  “I did something stupid this morning—” Charlie began.

  “Listen, I overheard what you said—” Jeremy said.

  A long pause, and then Charlie said, “Oh, God. You heard me?” Guilt made his gut clench.

  “Yeah,” Jeremy said.

  Charlie took Jer’s hands. “I’m so sorry. I freaked out. We hadn’t talked about whether to go public, so I didn’t know . . .” He shook his head. “I froze. I let fear get the best of me and I lied about us. I’m so sorry.”

  To Charlie’s surprise, Jeremy smiled. “I’d say you’ve beaten that fear now.”

  They chuckled, and Charlie shook his head. “Please say you forgive me.”

  “Of course I do,” Jeremy said. “It’s not even a question.”

  “I promise I’ll never deny you again, Jeremy. I couldn’t, because I . . . uh . . .” His heart tripped into a sprint, but he’d come this far, and now it was time to go all the way. To be totally honest. He owed Jeremy that after telling that horrible lie about not being together. And he owed himself, too.

  “What?” Jeremy said, scooting close enough that he could stroke his knuckles down Charlie’s face.

  “Love you,” Charlie whispered.

  Jeremy’s pale green eyes went wide. “What did you say?”

  Oh, God. Too much? Too soon? Charlie dropped his gaze and shook his head, his thoughts all scrambled. “Uh.”

  “Look at me, Charlie. Please?” Jeremy said, nudging his chin with his fingers. When Charlie finally gave in, Jeremy’s eyes were filled with so much softness and warmth. “You love me?”

  Charlie managed a nod, because he didn’t want to lie to this man. “Yeah.”

  “You surprise me over and over again,” Jeremy said with a growing smile. “And I fucking adore it.”

  “You do?” Charlie asked, his throat tight.