Croak

  “She’s like a different person!” her father said. “We’re gonna get a brand-new daughter when she comes home.”

  “Um,” Lex said, folding her napkin. “About that.”

  The smiles melted right off their faces. Except for Cordy, whose stone-cold expression of skepticism had not wavered even for a moment.

  It was time. Lex sucked in a deep breath.

  “I want to stay.”

  Looking at their stunned faces, Lex almost took it back. Yet she forced herself to go on. “I want to stay with Uncle Mort. I don’t want to come back.”

  “But you have another year of school,” her father said matter-of-factly, as if unable to comprehend any alternative.

  “And then college!” her mother shrieked.

  “I feel that my talents lie elsewhere.”

  The room plunged into silence once more. Cordy still stared, her mouth now hanging slightly open. The refrigerator let out a belch. An ice cream truck drove by.

  And then, as if Lex had never even left, the Bartleby household exploded into its natural state of chaos.

  ***

  “What did you think was going to happen?” Cordy asked, sprawled across her bed while their parents continued arguing downstairs.

  “In all honesty?” Lex said from her own bed as “She takes after your mother!” wafted up from below. “This.”

  “I can’t believe Dad threw his turkey leg.”

  “I can’t believe Mom reloaded him with another one.”

  Cordy abruptly sat up to face her sister, her eyes fierce. “What the hell is the matter with you, Lex? You haven’t written a single word back to me all summer, and now this? You want to stay?”

  “I do.”

  “With the cows, right?”

  “Yeah. The cows.”

  Cordy got up and crashed down on her sister’s bed. “Lex, you better tell me what’s going on right now, or so help me God, I’ll drag you right down to the nursing home and introduce you to Mrs. Needlemeyer.”

  Lex recoiled. “You wouldn’t.”

  “She has a goiter, Lex.” Cordy smiled demonically. “A goiter.”

  “All right!” Lex yelled in defeat, getting up to close the door. “I’ll tell you. But keep your voice down. And you can’t tell anyone.”

  “I won’t.”

  Lex tried to silence the voices that were screaming at her not to do this. “No, Cordy, I mean it.” She sat down on the bed and leaned in close. “You can’t tell a single person on the entire planet.”

  Cordy, who was getting more than a little spooked by the strange behavior of her twin, let out an anxious laugh. “Because then I’d have to kill them?”

  “No. That’s my job.”

  ***

  Twenty minutes later Cordy lay flat on the bed, her face a blank slate. “I think I may require some heavy drugs.”

  “You wanted to know,” Lex said, drained. What would happen now? Could she really get kicked out of Croak? What would they do to Cordy?

  Cordy sat up. “But Lex, this is insane. Think of what you’re doing! I can’t believe our own uncle would put you up to this.”

  “He didn’t put me up to anything! I love what I do!”

  Cordy looked scared. “Yeah, I can see that.”

  Lex glanced around her room, across the towering mosaic of photos, until her eyes finally came to rest on the two animated Sparks perched on the shelf. Tiny flickers of light whirred and flew around the glass orbs.

  “So what happens if you don’t go back? Will no one be able to die?” Cordy said sarcastically. “Immortality for everyone, all because some random teenager had to leave to get her high school diploma?”

  “Look, if you don’t believe me, fine. I wouldn’t believe it either if I hadn’t—”

  “If you hadn’t what? Started killing innocent people with your own bare hands?”

  “It is not like that.”

  “That’s what it sounds like. Look, even your finger’s all burned,” Cordy said, grabbing her hand.

  Lex yanked it away. “You just don’t understand.”

  “No, I don’t! How can this be something you enjoy? That you want to do for the rest of your life?”

  “Because I was born to do it!” Lex yelled so loud that even her parents downstairs fell silent for a moment.

  Cordy gaped at her sister. Then, slowly, she nodded. “Yeah,” she said in a low voice. “Maybe you were.”

  Lex looked away. She ran her hand over the wooden rocking chair where her mother had sat and sung lullabies to her girls every single night, until the day they sheepishly informed her that they had become too old for such nonsense.

  “So what happens now that you’ve told me?” Cordy asked. “Will the fiery demons of hell be arriving to claim your mortality?”

  “No, the fiery hell demons have the weekend off.”

  “Answer my question! Is that why you wouldn’t talk to me?” Cordy said, her voice rising. “Or is it because you have friends now and don’t give a shit about your own sister anymore?” She was angry now, her face a mess of hurt. “All this time I stuck by you, Lex, I defended you—even at school when you did all those terrible things! How could you just forget about me like that?”

  “Forget about you?” Lex pointed across the room at the computer. “Do you realize how many unsent emails I’ve got stored up, filled with every little detail of being a Grim, every person I’ve met, every inch of Croak, every single insecurity and thrill and fear I’ve felt since I got there? Do you have any idea how much I’ve wished I could tell you all that, how much I wished you were right there with me?”

  Cordy looked as if she had been slapped across the face. Silence filled the room.

  “I’m sorry I ignored you,” said Lex in a quieter voice. “I thought it would be better than lying.”

  Cordy’s expression softened. She leaned against the wall and hugged her stuffed octopus. “You really wrote all that?”

  Lex nodded.

  Cordy looked like she wanted to say something more, but didn’t know what. Lex glanced out the window at her old tree house. Something shifted inside it. Apparently the raccoons had moved back in.

  “Come on, Cordy,” said Lex. “Don’t fear the reaper.”

  Cordy snickered, despite her best efforts not to. “How long have you been waiting to say that?”

  “Since I arrived.”

  Cordy finally broke into a smile. “I miss you, turdface.”

  “I miss you too,” Lex said, relieved.

  “Do you know how weird it was that first night, sleeping in this room without you?”

  “It couldn’t possibly have been weirder than mine,” Lex said, recalling Kate Winslet’s heaving bosom.

  Cordy watched her for a moment. “Who was that boy?”

  Lex froze. “What boy?”

  “That boy I saw you with, before you came up to ring the bell. The windows of this house are fully functional, you know.”

  Lex didn’t even bother with a lie this time. “His name is Driggs. He’s my partner.”

  “Ah, partner. How very Law and Order.”

  “Shut up, that’s just how it works.”

  “I see. And have you two had a romp in the hay yet, or would that upset Mr. Frizzle the rooster?”

  “What?” Lex sputtered, searching for a viable retort. “What?” she eventually repeated.

  Cordy gave her an incredulous look. “Come on, Lex. He’s effin’ gorgeous. Anyone with half a retina could see that.”

  Lex snorted. “Whatever. He’s just my stupid partner.”

  “Yeah, okay. How come he didn’t come in?”

  “Why, you want me to hook you two up?”

  Cordy eyed her, then let out a grunt. “Could you? Michael Thorley turned out to be an assclown, and the rest of this place is nothing but a barren wasteland of undateability. The only guy who’s shown the slightest amount of interest in me this summer is Mr. Papadopoulos on the third floor of the nursing home. He says I have the
ass of a Russian call girl.”

  “Ah, senility.”

  Cordy laughed and shoved her twin’s face into a pillow. “You better come back, or I’ll drive up to Crack or whatever it’s called and find you myself.”

  “Why don’t I just send you there right now?” Lex said, grabbing the pillow and smacking it against her sister’s head.

  They continued to batter each other senseless until long after their parents’ screeching ceased, and only when their mother cried, “You’re almost seventeen, for heaven’s sake!” did they finally let go of each other’s hair.

  ***

  “Goodbye, sweetie,” Lex’s mother cooed the next morning as they all walked to the door. Lex rubbed her eyes, exhausted. Describing every last detail of Croak to Cordy had taken all night. “Are you sure you have to leave so soon?”

  “Yeah, Mom. The cows—”

  “Right, right, the cows. My little farmer!” She wrapped her daughter in another suffocating hug. “You have fun up there. And really, would it kill you to call once in a while?”

  After the sisters embraced (and Cordy whispered, “Whack Michael Thorley for me, would you?”), Mr. Bartleby finally took his reluctant daughter into his arms.

  “Enjoy the rest of the summer, honey. And we’ll see you in a few weeks.”

  “But, Dad—”

  “The answer is no,” he said gently. “But we still love you.”

  “Whatever,” she muttered, descending the stairs to the sidewalk.

  A disheveled Driggs stood waiting for her at the train station, elbow-deep in a novelty bucket of M&M’s. He was wearing jeans and a T-shirt, both wrinkled and dirty, and the tie was still knotted messily around his neck. He looked like a homeless person.

  “Hey, Lex. How was—”

  “I told Cordy everything.”

  He stopped chewing for a second, then nodded. “I know.”

  “What? How?”

  “Because you’re Lex. There’s a law against telling people, so of course you shattered it into a thousand pieces.”

  She bit her lip. “You won’t rat me out, will you?”

  “No. But thanks all the same for making me an accomplice.”

  “You could take it as a compliment, you know. That I trust you.”

  “I’m deeply touched.” He downed another handful of candy. “What did they say about staying?”

  Lex scowled. “They said no.”

  Driggs’s face fell. “Oh. What about after next year?”

  “They said we’ll talk about it,” she said as they boarded the train. “But I know them. If I don’t agree to college, they’ll disown me.” She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “But whatever, I’ll figure something out. What about you? How’d it go with the reporter?”

  His face lit up. “Awesome. She told me everything—I think because she was so psyched I believed her. No one else will listen to her crazy crackpot theories.” He reached back into the bucket. “She’s been reading the autopsy reports of all the mystery deaths, trying to find something that links them together. Granted, she’s had a harder time than we’ve had in figuring out who the victims are, since the white-eye thing wears off out here. But of the bodies she’s managed to track down, it turns out that each one has had a very tiny puncture wound, like from a syringe or something. But since no trace of drugs has been found in their systems, medical examiners haven’t been able to explain it.”

  “That’s it!” Lex said. “They’re being injected! With Elixir!”

  “Well, yeah, I figured that, but I couldn’t exactly come out and tell her.” He grinned. “Mort’s head is gonna explode.”

  “To put it mildly,” she said. “Any other shockers?”

  “Yeah. Did you know you can buy M&M’s in any color you want?”

  She cracked a smile. “So I’ve heard.”

  “And I ate a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup that was bigger than my head.”

  “Congratulations.” An earthy scent had begun to waft through Lex’s nostrils. Puzzled, she sniffed at Driggs’s shirt. “Um . . . where did you stay last night?”

  He scratched his head. “I found a place. Drafty and a little cramped, but not bad.”

  They rode the train back to the bus station and the bus all the way back to Croak, and not until Lex was in bed, staring at Leonardo DiCaprio’s eyelashes and thinking about the supposed raccoons in her tree house, did she finally realize where Driggs had slept.

  19

  After her disheartening visit, Lex hoped to devote whatever leisure time she could find to figuring out a way to stay in Croak, especially since she seemed to have gotten away with squealing to Cordy. But as August rolled on, work got busier and busier.

  “It’s the heat,” Kloo explained one day after a particularly brutal morning shift. “The geezers can’t take it.”

  “I wish they’d sack up a little,” Lex said. “It’s getting repetitive.”

  “What about that Jet Ski guy?” said Driggs. “He was cool.”

  “That’s true. Head just popped off like a cork, huh?”

  “And we got a really gnarly fireworks accident the other day,” Ayjay said. Kloo shot him a disapproving look. “I mean, shame about his kid’s fingers. But they’ll grow back, right?”

  At lunch Pandora flew past their booth with barely a hello. “Whaddaya want?” she barked, balancing a tower of boxes atop her arms. “Oh, I don’t have time for orders,” she said before anyone could answer. “We’re swamped as it is, trying to get rid of all these blasted stargazers. Professor Elbow Patches over there can’t seem to take the hint.” She gestured toward a tweedy-looking man and his wife poring confusedly over the multitude of brochures Kilda had thrust into their hands. “Just eat this.” Dora hurled a plate of hot dogs and several glasses of Poisonberry Juice onto the table, then hurried back to the kitchen.

  “What’s with her?” Lex asked as they dug in.

  Her fellow Juniors stared.

  “Hi,” she said. “I’m Lex. We may have met before, perhaps in one of the hundreds of other times you’ve had to explain something to me.”

  “Ohhh,” said Ferbus in his best condescending voice. “I don’t think she knows.”

  “Tonight’s the Luminous Twelfth!” Elysia said as Lex kicked Ferbus under the table. “It’s like a big block party for the whole town. Tons of food and Yoricks and music and dancing, and then we stay up all night to watch the meteor shower!”

  “Cool,” said Lex. “This happens every year?”

  “Every August twelfth,” Sofi said. “It’s like our Fourth of July.”

  “And do we have to do anything?”

  Driggs shook his head as a loud crash issued from the kitchen. “Nope, Dora’s got it under control,” he shouted over the resulting torrent of profanities. “All we have to do is show up and do our best to scare away the tourists.”

  “I think there’s a Band-Aid in my burger,” the professor whispered to his wife.

  Ferbus menacingly shook his fist.

  “Our compliments to the chef,” the woman shakily replied, grabbing her husband’s hand and fleeing to the street.

  ***

  That night, after work, the party began.

  Lex and Driggs made their way out onto Dead End, which had been whimsically transformed into a festive, colorful street fair. Food and drink tents lined the street, vibrant lanterns and streamers cheerfully adorned the buildings, and the cobblestones of Slain Lane boasted dozens of drunken dancers all laughing and screaming to the beat of lively music. Corpp passed out Yoricks to the eager revelers gathered around him, stopping to plant kisses on Dora whenever she dropped by to deliver a fresh batch of onion rings. A large disco ball hung over the square, its luster rivaled only by the twinkling stars streaking across the sky above.

  As Driggs ran off to grab some Yoricks, Lex wandered over to one of the open-air booths and marveled at the impressive array of meats sizzling on the grill before her. “Um—” She pointed. “That one, I guess?”


  “You got it, little lady,” said the butcher, stabbing what appeared to be a T-bone steak with legs.

  “I wouldn’t eat that,” Zara told Lex as she lugged over a large cooler, sweat plastering a clump of silver hair to her forehead. “It’s one of his own concoctions.”

  “Ew.” Lex glanced at the butcher, a short, piggish man with beady eyes. She could see why he might not be the most enjoyable employer.

  “You’re better off planting yourself at Corpp’s tent,” Zara said. “That’s where everyone else is.”

  Lex scrutinized Zara. Ever since the fire incident their relationship had been fairly strained. Zara had even stopped pestering her about the shocks—not a good thing, in Lex’s mind. It probably meant she was planning on tattling about Lex’s subversive leanings any minute now in order to reclaim the Junior throne of awesomeness for herself.

  “Will you be joining us?” Lex asked in the friendliest voice she could muster.

  “Maybe later. I have to work until all the food is gone. Save me a Yorick or two. Or ten.”

  Lex honked out a nervous laugh. She slumped back to the Juniors, whose inebriation levels had begun to surge at an impressive rate.

  “No, YOU’RE a platypus!” Ferbus screamed at Elysia.

  “That doesn’t make any sense!” she yelled back.

  “YOU’RE a sense!”

  Driggs sidled up to Lex and handed her a Yorick. “Having fun?”

  “I’m trying not to nod off.”

  Driggs laughed. “That’s the spirit.”

  “You just missed it, you just mizzit,” Elysia told her. “Ferbus swallowed a button.”

  “It fell off my shirt!” he yelled, as if this explained something.

  Lex looked around. “Kloo and Ayjay still aren’t here?”

  “Guess not,” Driggs said. “They might have traded with some of the graveyard shifters.” He pointed at an eccentric-looking gaggle of Senior Grims who were paler than everyone else. “It’s traditional to split up shifts on the Luminous Twelfth so that everyone’s able to come for at least some of it. Juniors aren’t required to work, but maybe they volunteered.”

  “So this shindig is really going to rage all night long?”