Much Ado About Vampires: A Dark Ones Novel

He would have found the idea laughable, but he felt in her a determination to save him.

  You already have, love.

  Saved you? Your soul, maybe, but there’s more to you than that.

  “You wish to talk, messenger? What do you have to say to me that doesn’t include a command of punishment?” Alec demanded to know, gently but firmly moving Cora back to his side. Now is not the time for relationship talk, mi querida.

  I’m a woman—there’s always time to talk about relationships, she answered, digging an elbow into his side when he spent a few moments wishing he had a sword. No decapitating, Alec. It’s not nice, and besides, they really aren’t to blame.

  “I’m thinking that if you’ve got something to say, you’d better hold on to it,” Sally suddenly interjected, strolling over to the mangled remains of a table, leaning one hip on them. Diamond, looking vaguely uncomfortable, trailed after her.

  “Why’s that? ” Cora asked. “Are you going to do something else ‘naughty’ to us? Maybe bring Bael in to torture us a bit? Burn down hell? Destroy the entire planet? ”

  “You see?” Sally whispered to Alec with a little nod toward Cora. “Anger management counseling would do her a world of good.”

  Cora sputtered something extremely rude under her breath, and started toward Sally. Alec caught her and held her tight against his body. “Beloved, I know you are enraged at her—as am I—but as Kristoff pointed out, it can do no good to think about beating her with a two-by-four. Nor dropping her in the La Brea tar pits. No, not even feeding her to a tank of hungry sharks.”

  Sally gasped in horror, her eyes huge. “Sharks! Cora!”

  “It was just a thought,” Cora muttered, crossing her arms over her chest. “A damned good one, too, if you ask me.”

  “No one did,” Sally said, looking decidedly disgruntled.

  “Why should we be quick?” Kristoff asked, clearly curious as to Sally’s warning.

  “And tar pits? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to clean tar off of wool—what? Oh, we’re about to have company.”

  “Who? ” Alec asked, his eyes narrowing on the woman.

  “Some liches,” Sally answered, gesturing to Ulfur. “Other than you, dear boy. Come over here so I can pet your nice horse.”

  “Don’t do it, Ulfur!” Pia warned. “It’s some sort of a trap!”

  “Honestly, I wouldn’t have your mind for all of the minions in Abaddon,” Sally said, giving Pia a look. “Such suspicions!”

  Ulfur moved slowly toward her, the horse, now perfectly solid and not in the least bit ghostly, at his side.

  “What liches? ” Alec asked. “The lichmaster who lives in the caves nearby?”

  “I expect she’ll be here, too,” Sally said, giving Ragnor a pat on the neck. “She’s smart, Jane is. She’ll see Brother Ailwin sniffing around, and know he’s up to no good, so no doubt she’ll follow him here.”

  “Brother Ailwin!” Pia clutched Kristoff. “He’ll use Cora and Ulfur! We have to get out of here!”

  “Too late,” Sally said, waving. “Welcome to Abaddon, Brother Ailwin. Oh, I see you brought your monks with you. Mercy, a whole army of them. Welcome, gentlemen.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  “You ever have one of those days when everything just keeps getting worse?” I asked Pia from where we stood huddled together behind the solid wall made up of two large, angry vampires.

  “I think I’m having one now,” she answered, casting a worried look over to the table where Sally sat with composed grace, her eyes bright with excitement as she watched Brother Ailwin and about twenty men in monk outfits pour into the room.

  “How come Brother Ailwin gets to wear modern clothes while they have to wear the brown robes? ” I asked Pia in a whisper.

  “Dunno. But they have swords and he doesn’t, so that balances things out, don’t you think?”

  “Hmm.” I slid a glance to the side. The two vamps from the Moravian Council stood leaning against the wall, watching everything, but making no attempt to grab either Alec or me.

  “At last I have found where you cower and attempt to hide from me,” Brother Ailwin announced in a bossy voice as he marched into the room, trailed by two lines of sword-bearing monks. “The two Dark Ones will not keep me from you this time, Tool.”

  “I really hate being called that,” I said to no one in particular.

  “You will be mine, and with you, I will—” Brother Ailwin’s eyes, which had been on me, widened as he glanced toward Sally. Both Ulfur and Diamond were next to her, and I knew the moment he realized that they were the other two Tools. His jaw dropped down a good couple of inches for the count of ten; then he gave a triumphant crow and pointed at them. “The three Tools of Bael! Together! God has indeed cast his blessings upon me, for with the three Tools, I will rule the mortal and immortal worlds! Brothers, you are witnessing an historic event! With the joining of the three Tools of Bael, I will become the most powerful being to ever exist! A new age is dawning, the age of the lich, and as its leader—”

  “Christ, don’t you ever shut up?” Alec interrupted, and, to my utter amazement, pulled out a gun and shot Brother Ailwin.

  Alec! I yelled.

  Hmm?

  You shot him!

  Brother Ailwin looked down at his chest in surprise. As he was clad in a navy suit and pale blue shirt, the dark red stain that blossomed across his middle was clearly visible. He touched a hand to it, his expression full of disbelief as he examined the red on his fingers. “I’ve been shot.”

  Yes, I did.

  My mind spun around like a hamster wheel for a few seconds. Oh. Well done. Although where did you get the gun?

  Kristoff gave it to me. He thought we might need it.

  “That is a gun. I’ve been shot. With a bullet,” Brother Ailwin said, turning to show the blood on his fingers to his mini-army. The monks looked back at him in confusion. “The Dark One shot me.”

  “Liches,” Sally said in an aside to Diamond.

  “They always state the obvious,” Diamond added, and nodded.

  How come you didn’t shoot the vamps?

  It wouldn’t have done anything but make them angry.

  Brother Ailwin evidently got over his stupefaction, for he straightened up and glared at Alec. “You will die for that—”

  Alec shot him again, this time in the leg. Brother Ailwin lurched to the side, his leg buckling.

  “You can’t kill a lichmaster, can you? ” I asked, watching as Brother Ailwin stared for a moment at his leg.

  “No, but I can put him out of commission for a bit,” Alec answered, his mind filled with grim determination to keep me safe. “Kristoff?”

  Love swelled within me. I couldn’t deny it any longer—it was love that I felt for him, this bloodsucking fiend, this nightwalker, this utterly adorable, sexier-than-sin man who I knew would literally give up his life to keep me safe.

  With a sigh, Kristoff pulled out a small gun.

  “This is intolerable!” Brother Ailwin yelled. “I will not be—”

  Kristoff shot him in the other leg.

  “Stop that!” Ailwin screamed as he fell to the ground. “Stop shooting me! I will not be treated in this manner! I am a powerful lichmaster, and the wielder of the three Tools of Bael, and—oh, bloody hell, I’ve lost the feeling in my left leg. Brother Anton, assist me to a chair so that I might destroy those two Dark Ones.”

  “This is almost as good as watching the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but I think we should probably not wait around until he’s nothing but a torso,” I suggested with a wary look at the two vampires lounging against the wall, watching the scene with identical expressions of polite interest.

  “’Tis but a flesh wound,” Pia quoted, nodding.

  “Get them!” Brother Ailwin said, waving toward us as one of the monks hefted him up and set him less than gently down on a mangled remains of what was once probably a quite pretty dining chair.

  T
he other nineteen monks started toward us, but paused when Alec and Kristoff leveled their guns. “We have enough bullets to shatter the bones in all your legs,” Alec told the monk army. “You won’t make it ten feet.”

  The monks looked at the two vampires holding guns, down at their swords, then over to Brother Ailwin before turning back to our little group.

  Alec smiled.

  The monks, as a group, turned and in perfect formation marched out of the door.

  “Wait!” Brother Ailwin screeched, glaring furiously at them. “I did not order—you cannot leave now, not when I’m about to claim the greatest victory known to lichkind! I demand that you come back here! I demand that you destroy the Dark Ones! What’s a few shattered thighbones when it comes to . . . damnation! You cowards! Come back here! ”

  “I told you that a lich army was a bad idea, if you recall,” Sally said, getting to her feet as two women burst into the room. “They just have no backbone, any of them, and collectively, they’re sponges. But I’m sure you see the wisdom of my advice now, don’t you, Ailwin? Oh dear, your blood is going to stain the floor if it keeps up like that. You really should stanch the flow of it. Jane, my dear, how lovely to see you again. Is that the new T-shirt design? You must send me a gross or two, and I’ll order my minions to wear them.”

  “You!” Brother Ailwin spit, glaring up at Jane as she stopped next to him, giving him a confused look. “I might have known you’d find out about the Tools. No, no, Brother Anton, not that leg, you fool, this one. The one that’s bleeding all over the place. Wrap it tight so I can stand up long enough to wield the Tools.”

  “What . . . the Tools?” Jane looked even more confused as she glanced around the room. “Hello, everyone. Er . . . is this a Dark One convention or something? ”

  “Tools as in plural?” asked Eleanor, who stood with Jane in matching Liches rule, others drool, especially revenants T-shirts. She frowned at me for a moment before narrowing her eyes on Sally. “I could swear I know you.”

  Sally batted her lashes and gave a little smile and shrug, but said nothing.

  Great, just what we need, Brother Ailwin clueing in Jane as to what we are, and how to use us. Can you shoot him again? I asked Alec.

  I would gladly, but it would serve no purpose. I simply wanted to frighten away his monks and disable him, albeit temporarily. Jane, I believe, will pose us no threat.

  I caught the whisper of a thought that Eleanor might be an entirely different subject, but wasn’t sure if that was just my inner devil being snarky, or something he was truly worried about.

  “You have the Tools of Bael?” Jane asked Brother Ailwin.

  He looked furious with himself, and shoved away the poor monk who was trying to bind up his left leg. “I do. You may bow down before me now, before the rush to curry my favor.”

  “Oh, for the love of—no one has the Tools,” I couldn’t help but say, moving around to Alec’s side.

  Beloved, please stand behind me, so that I can protect you.

  Pfft. I’m a frickin’ Tool. I can protect you, I answered with bravado.

  He sighed into his mind, and pulled me up against him, which I had to admit was what I wanted all along. Just the feel of him, so warm and solid, and bristling with indignation, made my inner self sigh with happiness.

  Dammit, Alec, I’ve gone and fallen in love with you, I told him.

  He almost fell over. You what?

  You heard me.

  His eyes glittered with a combination of ire and desire, so green they almost glowed. “And you pick now to tell me? This exact moment?” He waved his gun toward the liches. “You couldn’t wait until we were alone?”

  “Tell you what?” Pia asked.

  Kristoff shot her a look.

  “Oh. That.” She giggled and gave me a thumbs-up. “I’m so happy for you both. You’ll have to invite us to the wedding. Kristoff didn’t want to marry me, because he said it was a human thing, and meaningless to Dark Ones, but in the end, he gave in, because my family would have gutted him if he didn’t.”

  Kristoff rolled his eyes, and murmured something in her ear. She giggled again.

  I eyed Alec.

  “I will be happy to marry you in a mortal ceremony,” he answered the look.

  “In a church? ” I asked. “My family is like Pia’s—they’re big on weddings.”

  “In a church,” he agreed solemnly, but his lips twitched.

  “A wedding!” Sally said, clapping her hands excitedly. “Oh, I love weddings! You have to let me do your hair and makeup, though. When May—she’s a doppelganger and the sweetest wyvern’s mate you ever did meet—when she was becoming the consort to a demon lord, which really is the same thing as a wedding, you know, I did her makeup and hair, and she looked absolutely gorgeous. Well, except for the little nothing that Magoth made her wear as a wedding outfit, but you know how men are—if a few leather straps and bit of fur covering the naughty bits aren’t included in the ceremony, they just lose interest.”

  If you even think of asking me to wear—

  Don’t worry, my tastes are quite different from those of a demon lord, he answered, adding after a moment’s thought, Although if you wanted to wear a little nothing made up of leather straps and fur, I wouldn’t object.

  I pinched his hand and twined my fingers through his.

  “I’m so confused,” Jane told Eleanor.

  “I’m not, unfortunately,” the latter answered, shooting both Alec and me a testy look. “Although I don’t understand why all of the Tools have been brought together. That seems foolhardy to me.”

  Jane leaned to the side and whispered in her ear. Eleanor shrugged her off with a harsh word.

  “I demand that you leave this instant!” Brother Ailwin shouted. “They are my Tools, and I don’t intend to have any upstart lichmaster get her grubby hands on them! Brother Anton, smite the two women, and then bring the Tools to me.”

  The poor monk glanced hesitantly at Jane. “Er . . .”

  “Must I do everything?” Brother Ailwin looked mean enough to do as he threatened.

  Maybe you should shoot him a few more times. He looks like he’s recovering.

  That’s not a bad idea, Alec answered, raising the gun.

  “Really, you know, you’re such a disturbing force here, I just can’t take it any longer,” Sally said wearily. “Normally I like disturbing, but now . . . no. It’s intolerable. Sable, please return them to the mortal world.”

  At the name, a thickly muscled man appeared out of nothing, obviously one of Sally’s minions. He had absolutely no neck, and muscles on his muscles, all clearly evident because he was clad only in a leopard-print G-string.

  We all gawked as Sable picked up a now-swearing Brother Ailwin under one beefy arm, and Brother Anton under the other, before he did that fabric-ofbeing tearing thing, and stepped through the tear, taking the two men with him.

  “Ailwin can be delightfully entertaining sometimes, but other times . . . well, I’m sure no one here will complain at him being removed. Now, where were we? Oh, yes. As delightful as it is to chat with all of you—and, Cora, I’m quite, quite serious about my offer to do your hair and makeup for your wedding—I do have other things to attend to, and would like to wrap up this business now. So if you don’t mind, please join the other two Tools of Bael, and we’ll be out of here in a few minutes.”

  I stared at Sally in abject disbelief. “You have got to be out of your ever-lovin’ mind!”

  “Not really, no, although sometimes I admit it’s a tempting thought. Come here, Cora,” she answered with a little gesture.

  “There is no way in hell that I’m going to let you use me after what you did!”

  She gave me a look that was filled with disappointment.

  “No!” I said again, pressing into Alec. “And that’s an ‘over my dead body’ sort of no!”

  “Really? That’s an awfully definite statement.”

  “Yes, it is. I’m definite that I’m
not going to let you use me to destroy everyone.”

  “Oh, I won’t destroy everyone,” she said with an airy wave of her hand. “Just the people who annoy me most.”

  I clung to Alec’s arm. “I don’t think so! Diamond, you really should move away from Sally. She’s clearly a nutball.”

  Sally sighed. “Such abuse from you, when really I’m just trying to help.”

  “Yeah, but the question is, who are you trying to help?” I snarled. “It’s certainly not us!”

  “Beloved, this is not doing any good. Cease baiting Sally,” Alec said with a little squeeze. “The seneschal promised us that she would assist us with our plans, and despite the recent events, I expect she will do so.”

  Sally giggled. “Well, as for that—”

  “Right. I think I’ve had just about enough of this,” Eleanor interrupted as she strolled forward to Sally. “I know I’ve had enough of your inane comments, and as for you . . .” She turned to face Alec and me, her eyes narrowed slits. “I’ve definitely had all I intend to take from you two. Wedding, indeed. Not with my Dark One, you don’t. It sounds cliché to say this, but I’m going to nonetheless: If I can’t have him, no one will.”

  I screamed as Alec shoved me away from him, not so much because of the fact that I stumbled over a bit of twisted floor tile and ended up careening into the tangled legs of a piano that lay upside down, but because Eleanor grabbed Diamond and, holding her in front of her, directed a massive blast of black-edged light from Diamond directly at Alec.

  “Nooo!” I shrieked as Alec was thrown backward a good forty feet, blood flying in an arc, splattering against the wall as he hit it before sliding down to slump into a pile on the floor. My heart stopped dead in my chest as I stared at Alec, the dark power channeled by Diamond having torn open his chest and shoulder, and ripped away half his throat.

  Kristoff and Pia ran to him as I slowly turned to look at Eleanor, my heart, my blood, everything in me, frozen in horror as I realized she had just killed the man I loved.

  I started toward her, my movements at first jerky, but by the time I took three steps, I was running, bent on nothing more than her utter and complete destruction. She killed Alec! My Alec!