Loves Handsome Warren

  Then I put that delicious stuff in my mouth.

  And I chewed and chewed. Only it didn’t actually grind up that good.

  I chewed on it the whole entire morning.

  I was still chewing when that Grace got on my school bus.

  She ran to me very excited.

  “Look, Junie B.! Look what my mother bought me!” she said.

  She holded up her foot.

  “New running shoes!” she said. “See them? See the lightning stripes on the sides! That means I can run as fast as lightning! And so now Warren will love me the best for sure!”

  I pointed at my mouth.

  “Yeah, only I can’t actually discuss this right now, Grace. ’Cause I’m chewing fibers here,” I said.

  I opened up to show her.

  “See them in there? They are stuck in my teeth, I think.”

  After that, I poked all around with my fingernail. And I sucked them out.

  I smacked my lips together.

  “Good news. I think I’m done,” I said.

  That Grace tried to show me her shoes again.

  “Yeah, only sorry, Grace. But I still can’t talk yet. ’Cause I have to do something very important.”

  Then I leaned back in my seat.

  And I closed my eyes.

  And I didn’t move for lots of seconds.

  All of a sudden, I clapped my hands very joyful.

  “Did you see me, Grace? Did you see how calm I was just then? That’s because I don’t have sugar in me today! And I can sit still very excellent!”

  I hugged her real tight.

  “It worked, Grace! The fiber cereal worked! Now I’m not a nutball anymore! And so Handsome Warren will love me just like he loves you!”

  That Grace did not look happy.

  She bended down and dusted her new shoes.

  I bended down there with her.

  “How come you’re not happy, Grace? How come you’re not happy that he will love me, too?” I asked.

  She did a huffy breath.

  “You’re breathing on the shoes,” she said. “Don’t breathe on the shoes.”

  Just then, the bus stopped at school.

  I looked out the window and clapped my hands real thrilled.

  “Grace! Grace! I see Handsome Warren! He’s at the water fountain! And Lucille isn’t even there yet!”

  All of a sudden that Grace’s face got very perky.

  She zoomed off the bus like a speeding bullet. And she ran to Handsome Warren zippity quick.

  I could hear her shouting all over the playground.

  “LOOK, WARREN! LOOK AT MY NEW SHOES!” she yelled. “THEY HAVE LIGHTNING ON THE SIDES! SEE?”

  She was running in circles around that handsome guy.

  “Wanna have a race?” she asked him. “Wanna see how fast I am? Bet you can’t beat me, Warren! Bet you can’t beat me in a race!”

  And so just then, Handsome Warren and that Grace raced all over the playground.

  And he couldn’t even beat her.

  He came back very pooped.

  “Wow,” he said. “You’re the fastest runner I ever saw. Maybe someday you’ll be in the Olympics.”

  “I will, Warren!” said that Grace. “I will be in the Olympics someday! Wanna race me again? Huh? Do you?”

  Just then, Lucille popped in out of nowhere.

  She had on the beautifullest dress I ever saw.

  She spinned all around.

  “Ooooo, Lucille. You look like a royal highness in that thing,” I said.

  “I know it,” she said. “This is the kind of dress that princesses wear. It is made out of rich red velvet.”

  She twirled in front of Handsome Warren.

  “This dress costed over one hundred and fifty dollars…not including tax,” she said.

  All of a sudden, Handsome Warren’s eyes got big and wide.

  “Wow! You must be the richest girl in the whole school!” he said.

  Lucille fluffed her hair.

  “I am,” she said. “I am the richest girl in the whole school, Warren. Guess how much my shoes cost? Just guess, okay?”

  Just then I jumped right in front of that guy’s face.

  “Hello. How are you today?” I said very pleasant. “I am fine. I am fine and calm.”

  He backed up from me.

  “Yeah, only you don’t even have to be afraid,” I said. “’Cause I ate fibers for breakfast. And I am so calm I could go to sleep, probably. Want to see me? Huh, Warren? Want to see me go to sleep?”

  I plopped down in the grass.

  “Look, Warren. See me down here? I am not even laughing and rolling. I am just being calm. And that’s all.”

  I put my head on the ground.

  “Watch me go to sleep, Warren. Watch me. Watch me.”

  I closed my eyes and opened them again.

  “Did you see that, Warren? Huh? Did you see me go to sleep? See? I told you I was calm. Didn’t I? Huh? Didn’t I tell you?”

  Handsome Warren looked and looked at me.

  Then he did the cuckoo sign.

  And he walked away to the swings.

  And Lucille and that Grace walked with him.

  5/Hurray for Princess Clothes!

  That night at dinner, a great idea came in my head.

  It came during my macaroni.

  “HEY! I JUST THOUGHT OF IT!” I shouted. “I JUST THOUGHT OF HOW TO GET THAT HANDSOME GUY TO LOVE ME!”

  I stuffed in more macaroni.

  “HURRY, EVERYBODY! EAT! EAT! WE GOTTA GET TO THE MALL BEFORE IT CLOSES!”

  Just then, two macaronis fell out of my mouth. And onto the floor. And my dog named Tickle ate them.

  Daddy made a face.

  “Hey, hey, hey! Slow down! What’s the hurry?” he said.

  “We gotta get to the mall! That’s what’s the hurry! We have to buy me a princess dress! Plus also I need some shoes with lightning!”

  Mother and Daddy looked funny at me.

  That’s how come I had to explain all about Handsome Warren. And how he loved Lucille’s princess dress. And how he loved Grace’s fast shoes.

  “And so now I will get a princess dress! Plus also I will get shoes with lightning! And then Warren will love me, too!”

  I wiped my mouth with my hand. Then I quick jumped down from my chair.

  “’Scuse me, please! ’Scuse me from the table! ’Cause I’m all filled up!”

  I runned down the hall. And zoomed into the nursery.

  The nursery is where my baby brother named Ollie lives.

  “YOU GUYS DO THE DISHES!” I hollered to Mother and Daddy. “I’LL PUT OLLIE’S SWEATER ON HIS HEAD! ’CAUSE THAT WILL SAVE US TIME, I THINK!”

  I quick climbed into Ollie’s crib.

  Then I tried to pull that baby’s sweater on him. Only his giant head didn’t fit through the hole.

  He waked up from his nap.

  Then he started to cry very loud.

  I heard loud feet running in the hall.

  “JUNIE B. JONES! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?” yelled an angry voice.

  It was Mother.

  She runned in the room. And picked up baby Ollie.

  She patted his giant head.

  “That’s quite a melon he has there,” I said very quiet.

  Baby Ollie kept on crying.

  “Want me to get a leash?” I asked Mother. “Let’s put him on a leash, okay? ’Cause he is all jazzied up, I think. And so how will we even control him at the mall?”

  Mother rolled her eyes way back in her head.

  “We’re not going to the mall, Junie B.,” she said. “We are not going anywhere.”

  I stamped my foot.

  “Yes!” I said. “We have to! We have to go to the mall to get my princess dress! And my shoes with lightning. Or else that boy will not love me, I tell you!”

  Mother closed her eyes. She did some deep breaths.

  Her voice got softer.

  “Okay. I want you to listen
to me. And I want you to listen carefully,” she said. “You don’t make friends by wearing new dresses or shoes with lightning. You make new friends by being fun to be with. And by being nice to people. And by caring about their feelings.”

  She lifted me out of the crib.

  “And honesty is important, too, Junie B.,” she said. “You have to be honest with people. And that means that you can’t pretend to be someone you’re not.”

  She smoothed my hair.

  “You’re not Lucille, Junie B. And you’re not Grace, either. You’re just you. You’re just Junie B. Jones. And believe me, that’s a big enough job for anyone.”

  I did a sniffle. Also I did a snort and a swallow.

  “Yeah, only I know I am Junie B. Jones,” I said. “I just want to be Junie B. Jones in a princess dress.”

  I put my head on her shoulder.

  “Didn’t you ever want a princess dress when you were a little girl?” I asked. “Huh, Mother? Didn’t you?”

  Mother didn’t answer. She was thinking it over probably.

  Just then, I looked over her shoulder.

  I saw a new toy on baby Ollie’s shelf.

  “Hey! What’s that, Mother? What’s that on that shelf there? Is that a new teddy bear I see?”

  I runned and pulled that guy down.

  “Look, Mother! Look what this bear is wearing! It is a ribbon made out of rich, red velvet! And that is ’zactly the kind of cloth I’ve been looking for!”

  I took the bow off the teddy. And I held it next to my hair.

  “How do I look? Huh, Mother? Do I look like a beautiful princess? Do I look gorgeous? Huh? Do I?”

  Just then, I felt happy and sparkly inside.

  I quick kissed Mother and zoomed out of the room.

  ’Cause maybe there was more princess clothes right in my very own house!

  6/Speechless

  The next day, that Grace saw me on the bus.

  Her mouth came all the way open.

  I smiled very gorgeous.

  “I know why you’re looking at me like that, Grace,” I said. “Mother said when people saw me, they would be speechless.”

  I fluffed my hair.

  “Speechless is when your mouth can’t speech,” I explained.

  That Grace pointed at my neck.

  “What is that? Is that a dog collar you’re wearing?” she said.

  I laughed and laughed at her.

  “You sillyhead, Grace!” I said. “Don’t you know anything? This is a lovely collar of jewels! It is the kind of jewels that princesses wear! Only I didn’t even know we had this gorgeous thing! I found it where Mother keeps the dog food. Only I don’t actually know why it got put there.”

  I holded out my arms.

  “And did you notice these, Grace? Did you notice my long white princess gloves? They are the kind of gloves that Cinderella wears. And Cinderella is a real, actual princess. Plus also she does floors.”

  I pointed at my head.

  “And what about this golden crown I am wearing? It is from a real actual Dairy Queen! Plus, also I have red velvet bows on my sneakers! And Mother even drew lightning on their sides. Just like yours!”

  I twirled all around.

  “Just wait till Handsome Warren gets a load of me now! Right, Grace? Now that guy will have to love me! ’Cause who wouldn’t?”

  Grace slumped down in her seat.

  She didn’t talk the whole rest of the way to school.

  And guess what else? When the bus got to school, she didn’t even wait for me again.

  She ran right straight to Handsome Warren without me.

  I tried to race her. But my collar of jewels scratched my neck. Plus also my golden crown fell off my head.

  Handsome Warren was sitting on the ground.

  His face was hiding in his knees.

  I pushed my way in front of Lucille and that Grace.

  Then I tapped him on the head.

  “Hello. How are you today? I am wearing princess clothes.” I told him.

  Handsome Warren didn’t look up.

  I tapped on his head again.

  “Yeah, only I actually think you should get a load of me. ’Cause Grandma Miller says I am quite a sight,” I said.

  Lucille rolled her eyes.

  “It won’t do you any good to talk to him, Junie B.,” she said. “He’s not talking to anyone.”

  “Not even to me,” said that Grace.

  I squatted down next to that guy. And stared real hard.

  “How come you’re not talking? Huh, Warren? Does the cat have your tongue?”

  I waited very patient.

  Then I leaned closer to his ear.

  “I SAID, DOES THE CAT HAVE YOUR TONGUE, WARREN?”

  All of a sudden, Handsome Warren raised up his head.

  “GO AWAY!” he shouted. “ALL OF YOU! GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!”

  I stayed squatted a real long time.

  Then I stood up very quiet. And I looked at that Grace and Lucille.

  “Good news,” I said. “He talked.”

  After that, all of us kept on standing there and standing there.

  ’Cause we didn’t actually know how to handle this situation, that’s why.

  Finally, Lucille did a huffy breath at him.

  “You’re not being nice, Warren. You used to be nice. But now you’re not. And so I don’t even want to be your friend today.”

  “Me, either,” said that Grace. “I don’t want to be your friend today, either!”

  Then both of those guys held hands. And they stomped away from there very furious.

  Handsome Warren raised up one eyeball to see if they were gone.

  I quick bended down and looked into it.

  “Hello. How are you today?” I said. “I am wearing princess clothes.”

  Handsome Warren did a groan.

  Then he closed his eyeball. And he hided his face again.

  7/Knock Knock

  I sat down next to Handsome Warren.

  “Guess what? I’m not even going to bother you,” I said. “I’m just going to sit here. And mind my own personal beeswax. And that’s all.”

  I thought a little bit.

  “Plus here’s another good thing. You don’t even have to look at my princess clothes if you don’t want to. ’Cause clothes is not how I make friends,” I said.

  Handsome Warren didn’t move.

  I looked at his head.

  “Guess what? There’s something in your hair,” I told him.

  I looked harder at that thing.

  “I think it’s a teeny leaf. Or else maybe it’s a piece of Kleenex,” I said.

  He still didn’t move.

  “Want me to brush it off for you?” I asked. “’Cause that would not be any trouble. And I would be happy to do it.”

  I waited very patient for him to answer.

  Then I tapped on him some more.

  “Yeah, only I really think you should do something,” I said. “’Cause what if somebody blowed their nose on a teeny Kleenex? And then it flied in the wind. And got stuck in your hair. Did you ever think of that? Huh? ’Cause that would not be pleasant.”

  He didn’t answer.

  “Whoever wants me to get the Kleenex out of his hair, raise your hand,” I said.

  All of a sudden, Handsome Warren uncovered his angry face.

  “I thought you weren’t going to talk!” he hollered. “I thought you were going to mind your own personal beeswax!”

  I smiled very cute.

  “Yeah, only I am minding my own personal beeswax, Warren,” I said. “I just needed to tell you about the teeny Kleenex. And so now I’m all done talking. Period. The end.”

  Handsome Warren rolled his eyes way up at the sky. He covered up with his arms again.

  I waited some more.

  “Okay, here’s the problem,” I said. “The teeny Kleenex is still there. And so how would you like me to handle this?”

  Handsome Warren put
his hands over his ears.

  “Stop it!” he yelled. “Stop talking to me! Why are you sitting here anyway? Why don’t you just go with your stupid friends and leave me alone?”

  “’Cause I am being nice, that’s why,” I said. “Plus also I am understanding your feelings. On account of Mother said that is how I make friends.”

  Handsome Warren did a grouchy face.

  “I’m not your friend,” he said. “I don’t have any friends at this school. All my friends were at my other school. But then my dad made me move here. And now nothing is the same. I hate this place! I hate it! I hate it!”

  Then he quick hided his head in his knees again. And he started to cry.

  He tried to be quiet.

  Only I still could hear him sniffling in there.

  It made me feel sad inside.

  I patted him very gentle.

  “Sorry, Warren. Sorry you feel bad. Sorry. Sorry,” I said real soft.

  Just then a good idea popped in my head.

  “Hey. I know. Maybe I can get you a Band-Aid. Would you like that, Warren? ’Cause sometimes Band-Aids make things better…

  “Or else here’s another good idea. Maybe I could tickle you. ’Cause tickling makes you laugh, right? And so I would be glad to give it a try.”

  I jiggled him.

  “Want to try on my golden crown, Warren? Huh? Want to? ’Cause a golden crown makes you feel like a million bucks.”

  I took it off to give to him.

  He didn’t take it.

  I put my golden crown on the ground.

  Then I took off my princess collar and my Cinderella gloves. And I put them on the ground, too.

  After that, I sat very still. And I listened to Warren being sad.

  Finally I did a sigh. And I tried my very last idea.

  “Knock knock,” I said.

  Handsome Warren didn’t answer.

  “Knock knock,” I said a little bit louder. Then I kept on saying knock knock, until that guy got sick of it.

  “OH, ALL RIGHT! WHO’S THERE?” he grouched.

  “Hatch,” I said.

  “Hatch who?” said Handsome Warren.

  “HA HA! MADE YOU SNEEZE! GET IT, WARREN? GET IT? YOU SAID HATCHOO! DO YOU GET IT?

  “Knock knock,” I said again.

  Handsome Warren peeked one eye at me.

  Who’s there?” he said.