Unleashed

  “Honey, he’s a man. You just trounced all over his ego, and after he’s spent all week marking his territory, his territory suddenly up and flew back to the mutt it belonged to before. You have to do whatever it takes to let this go, or you and Evan will never make it. You’ll never make it with anyone.”

  Kelsey nodded, picking at her fingernails. “I know,” she said again. She dared a glance at her friend, whose brow was furrowed in concern. Lisa’s blonde hair was pinned up and she hadn’t a speck of makeup on. She supposed they both looked the same, except Lisa wasn’t wearing the physical manifestations of emotional turmoil on her face. “You look great,” Kelsey told her. “Really. You look happy.”

  “Quit trying to butter me up. Come here, you.” Lisa held one arm out and Kelsey went in for the hug, careful not to jostle Meagan. “I suggest you try ‘happy’ for a change, okay?” Kelsey nodded against her shoulder as Lisa patted her back. “It’ll be okay, hon.”

  “You’ve got this mom thing down, that’s for sure,” Kelsey laughed, pulling back. She wiped her eyes. “We got a ton of stuff for her, but it’s all in Evan’s truck.” Her heart twisted into a painful knot at the memory of how much fun they’d had together picking out the clothes and toys. It seemed like a lifetime ago, though it had only been a couple of days.

  “Well, there’s your perfect excuse.”

  “No, he said he’d leave it all at his house and his brother would let me in to get it. He’s working late tonight, I guess.” Or he could be consoling Courtney all night, you know. Reminiscing over coffee turns into an outpouring of regrets turns into her crying in his arms… It seemed the more time went by, the more those thoughts crept in. Began to take hold and turn her vision red.

  “I just don’t find that acceptable,” Lisa said. “Do you?”

  Kelsey shrugged. The aching knot of her heart had just spun in place at the thought of facing him. “I don’t want to bother him right now. He needs to cool off. You should have seen him. He wouldn’t even look at me.”

  “Quit backing down. You were so close. Isn’t he worth fighting for?”

  He was. He was so worth it. And she was so, so scared. “Worth getting my heart splattered all over hell just like all the others before me?”

  Lisa didn’t reply, only sighed heavily. Kelsey forced a smile and nodded toward Meagan dozing in her mother’s arms. “Now, if we’re done with all that, I really need to hold that baby, if you don’t mind.”

  “Of course. Baby therapy always helps.”

  She tried to shove all thoughts aside as Lisa put Meagan into her arms, but found it wasn’t easy. Newborns always enamored her, from their little wrinkled fingers to unbelievably tiny toes. She could have sat forever holding her. Meagan already had her mother’s lips and just a tuft of her dad’s brown hair. Kelsey smoothed it down, imagining if Evan ever had kids, they’d all have hair just like his—so thick and black it seemed genetically inescapable. Hopefully, they’d be blessed with his green eyes as well. If only she could be lucky enough to be their mom, then maybe that hair would have a bit of unruly curl, and those eyes would have a roundness that somewhat softened the piercing intensity of their color…

  Lisa napped for a bit, and Kelsey took the opportunity to shed the tears she’d been holding back as she stared down into the baby’s tiny sleeping face. Watching her yawn, smack her little lips, wrap her tiny fingers around Kelsey’s own with a surprisingly firm grip. Try happy for a change.

  When she’d said her wedding vows, she’d taken them seriously, and she’d meant them to last forever. She never would have broken them. That was part of the pain of it all. Todd hadn’t felt the same way. So she was adrift, for some reason feeling bound by words to a man who had cut her ruthlessly from his life. Even being with Evan this week, heavenly as it had been, had felt like a betrayal. Wrong. Not because of any lingering love she felt for Todd, but some twisted sense of faithfulness.

  That wasn’t twenty-first century thinking, but it was the values she’d been raised with.

  Lisa was right. Evan was right. Her own heart was right. She couldn’t keep going on like this. Values or no, she had to start letting go. Start standing up for what she wanted.

  “Always listen to your mom, little girl. She gives good advice, even if it hurts to hear.” Meagan cracked open one blue eye to gaze up at her and gave a tiny cry of agreement.

  God knew she was ready for a change. And some happiness.

  Kelsey’s scent still lingered in his truck. Evan slammed the door and gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles were white, fighting himself. He really should go in and get her; he shouldn’t have left her like that. He’d promised not to abandon her again and he’d done just that. But this was where she wanted to be, or else they would still be in Hawaii right now. He would call her later, try to sew his heart back together and continue being there for her no matter what, like he’d told her. It would be the hardest thing he’d ever done in his entire life.

  He sat in silence while it seemed all hell raged inside his head. It hurt. God, it hurt. More than it had when Courtney betrayed him, more than it had ever hurt when a relationship ended. He’d usually been the one ending them, anyway. Kelsey had been like his lifeline through all of that. His one hope, his only assurance that maybe there was someone else like her out there. That maybe that elusive she really existed, just waiting for him to find her.

  It had been her all along.

  If that was the case, then bachelorhood for life was looking pretty appealing right now. He would learn to listen to his damn head one day. The one that could pick apart the most intricate details of a case, argue them and win. Not the one that kept screwing up his life.

  He’d wanted to tell Courtney that if she truly loved Todd she needed to fight for him, and may the best woman win. But somehow that seemed like a betrayal of Kelsey. If Todd was who she wanted, if he was who would make her happy, Evan didn’t want to sabotage that for her. Maybe Todd had learned his lesson and they would work it out this time. Have their happily ever after. But they’d do it without Evan anywhere near their white-picket-fence-two-point-three-kids American dream…

  Of course, that would mean going back on his promise to her. Shit.

  Taking a deep breath, he started his truck and busied himself adjusting the mirrors, though they were fine already. Work. He would throw himself into work, his old defense mechanism, always there for him when his personal life was in shambles. There would be a ton of it waiting for him. He could spend most of the weekend at the office if he had to, just to keep his mind off her.

  He only hoped she wouldn’t prove to be a force too powerful to shove away with indictments and motions and graphic offense reports.

  She’d told Evan she couldn’t deal with losing him, but Evan had always been the one telling her she could deal with anything. It was time to prove him right.

  Once she’d expended the benefits of kitty therapy that weekend, Kelsey ambled through her bedroom, past the luggage she hadn’t yet opened, and to her closet. It was past noon on Saturday and she was still in her pajamas with her hair half-falling from a sloppy bun. She planned on staying that way. There was work to do, and probably a lot of tears to shed, if her supply wasn’t already depleted. Lisa was busy with her new baby. Kelsey’s mom and dad were on vacation themselves. No one she knew needed to listen to her weeping and whining right now. She was on her own.

  The box on her closet’s top shelf hadn’t been disturbed since she’d shoved it there months ago upon moving in. She’d thrown out a lot of artifacts and reminders from her marriage—most of them, actually—some during fits of blind rage. But even then, the mementos in this box alone had remained untouched, because they were the most precious to her. She finally understood why.

  As she slid the cardboard box down from its safe place while her cats swirled around her ankles, her mouth was dry and her pulse throbbed. She carried it to her bed and settled herself cross-legged on the mattress, thinking she probably ne
eded a box of Kleenex before she got started. But what was the point? She was home, she was alone, no one would be knocking on her door. Evan’s solitary text message early this morning asking if everything was okay was proof that he was in no hurry to speak to her, especially since he hadn’t responded to her reply. He was merely trying to assuage the sense of obligation he felt to her, to their friendship. He’d promised he would always be there for her. But he wouldn’t be there in the capacity she needed him, not unless she made some changes.

  And even if he would never be there—a thought that made a panicky fullness rise in her chest—this was something she had to do for herself.

  Inside the box were letters, pictures, printouts of e-mails… She dug deeper, finding her old college journal and a scrapbook. There were silly things like a napkin from a restaurant she and Todd had eaten at on their honeymoon. A couple of stuffed animals he’d given her. Typical fossils of a long-dead relationship. But she began to detect the pattern she’d suspected all along.

  All of the letters and e-mails had been sent while she was still in college and Todd was back home waiting for her to graduate. She picked up the very first one her fingers brushed—a printout of an e-mail he’d sent her—and began to read it.

  I just got off the phone with you two hours ago but I can’t stop thinking about you. I would call you again, but I’m afraid you’re asleep by now. I’m also afraid I’m going to go crazy before I get to see you again…

  And more of the same from all the others…

  Yesterday was so amazing. It’s hard to believe I’m back here now away from you. I have to look at your picture a dozen times just to get through the day, Kelsey. I can’t wait until we can be together every day. I’m counting the days.

  “Ugh, sappy bastard,” she grumbled. Taking a deep breath, she furiously wadded each letter into a tight little ball. It was as she’d suspected. She’d been in love with the way Todd made her feel about herself. Evan had been her best friend, but his treatment of her, in a way, had been a rejection. Every single day for two damn years, she’d felt rejected by him. It was no wonder her self-esteem had been so beaten down she’d fallen for the first sweet-talker to come along.

  The whole box had to go, but she made a point to look at each thing inside it and remember why she’d kept it. After that, it went back in the box bound for the Hefty bag waiting in the kitchen.

  Except for one thing: her journal. Throughout all the letters and photographs, she’d shed not one tear until she opened the little book and began to read. A couple of hours later she was halfway through it, and she was a sopping wet mess her cats regarded with concern.

  When it felt as if the walls were about to close in on her, she took a break, dug her bikini out of her suitcase and headed down to sit by the pool. It was empty except for a few kids and evening swimmers. One of them was the guy down the hall who had asked her out about two months ago. She’d taken the chicken way out and claimed one excuse after another until he finally got the hint. He seemed nice enough, fairly good-looking. The kind of guy she might have eventually gone out with, when she was ready. But there were no sparks there. Evan’s words floated through her mind: Doomed to contentment.

  That’s what she wanted—no, that’s what she wanted desperately—to avoid. If a guy couldn’t do to her body the things Evan had done mere days ago, if he couldn’t send scores of chills up her arm just by brushing it, make her wet just by letting his gaze wander down to her breasts, she had no use for him. Evan had ruined her for anyone else, damn him. He was going to have to reap the consequences of that.

  Phase One of her plan was over. Phase Two she would tackle tomorrow. God give her strength.

  Todd was wrapped almost from head to toe, but Kelsey would lay bets he didn’t feel much worse than she did at the moment. His entire right leg was in a cast, as well as his left wrist. His head was bandaged and the left side of his face was purple. Thank God she hadn’t run into his mom or Courtney on her trek to his room, but they were lurking somewhere, she was sure. She had to make this as quick and painless as possible.

  “Hey,” he said—it was more like a croak—and there was as much surprise in his voice as she figured he could muster.

  “I’m not going to ask how you feel. I imagine that’s a pretty stupid question right about now.” He grunted some response that might have been a laugh if he hadn’t recently had surgery on his ribs. “They say you’re going to be just fine.”

  His gaze followed her as she approached the side of his bed. “Yeah, it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. You…look tired.”

  You have no idea. “I’m all right.”

  Todd was silent for a moment. She couldn’t see enough of his face to discern what emotions might be crossing it. “My mom told me that when she called you, you were in Hawaii with Evan,” he said.

  Good. He’d had time to prepare. She’d been afraid Sandra wouldn’t tell him. “I was.”

  “Are you and he…?”

  “He invited me, and I went, it’s pretty much as simple as that. Or it started out that way, at least. It was the trip he should’ve taken with Courtney, as their honeymoon. But that didn’t work out, did it?”

  It was hard not to look away from him as she uttered those words, but she forced herself to keep her gaze fixed on him. To not retreat from what she had to tell him. She looked him up and down and felt…well, nothing was too harsh a word. There was sorrow at seeing such a strong man in a nearly helpless state. But he would heal over time. Lisa’s words about begging him to take her back floated through her mind. That was, indeed, the absolute last thing she wanted in the world, especially after the beauty of last week. It would be like…tasting Rocky Road ice cream for the first time after only knowing plain vanilla, only to be told she had to go back to vanilla from now on. The vileness of her reaction to that thought seemed to give her the strength she needed.

  “But whatever happens with Evan and me, I—I have very strong feelings for him, yet I basically left him to come here. I’ve been asking myself why. You made it quite clear you didn’t want me in your life, but I’ve possibly ruined something wonderful over you. Why would I do that?”

  “I didn’t crash my truck into that idiot on purpose to make you feel bad, you know. It’s not always about you—”

  “I’m going to stop you right there, because I heard a lot of BS from you for weeks after we split, and now I have you where you can’t run from what I have to say, don’t I?” Surprise rounded his brown eyes. “But I’m sure the doctors wouldn’t want me getting you upset. I’m not here to do that, and I hope you understand. I’m done with yelling and screaming at you about how you ripped my heart out and turned my life upside down, and you’ve heard it all before anyway. I’m just going to tell you that you’ve done it for the last time. You’ve had some kind of sick hold on me ever since what you did, and now I hear—whether it’s true or not—that you might actually miss me.”

  “I know what I did to you was wrong. I just feel like…I need to make it up to you somehow.”

  “That’s just guilt talking. I know I said some things that have probably stuck with you all this time, if you have a heart at all. You can forget all that, it was just my own anger and pain and frustration talking, wanting to hurt you like you’d hurt me. The problem was, I couldn’t do it, because you simply didn’t care. If we got back together you know as well as I the same thing would just happen again.”

  “I wouldn’t—”

  “I would never be able to make myself believe whatever you’re about to say. There was a time when I was pathetic and weak and desperate and I might’ve given us another chance, but no more. No more. I’m going to walk out the door, find Evan and try to be worthy of him. I’m afraid it’s too late, but at least I don’t have your shadow hanging over me anymore.”

  His throat constricted as he swallowed, and it seemed to pain him. Her natural wifely instinct was to move toward him, try to make him more comfortable, ask if he needed anything.
But she stood her ground. He was fine. She had to keep telling herself that. He would be fine, she would be fine, everything would be fine.

  For a moment she thought he wasn’t going to reply, but when he did, it momentarily stunned her. “He’s a good guy.”

  She nodded. “He’s the best of us all. He was at his office on his vacation just to be sure the motion to revoke gets filed as soon as possible on the guy who hit you.”

  Todd swallowed again, and she wondered if that glistening in his eye might’ve actually been a tear. God forbid he showed any emotion. “I miss him. Wish I could see him. Will you…tell him I’m sorry? And thank him for everything he’s done?”

  Her heart softened. He sounded more genuine talking about Evan than he ever had talking about her. “Of course I will. But I don’t know if it’ll do any good.”

  “I know. Courtney and I…we’re not together anymore, you know. She’s here and she’s hardly left my side, but…I don’t know.”

  “I imagine you’ll work it out. You should, anyway. You seem well suited for one another. She loves you, but I think you two can’t really see one another without your guilt getting in the way. You need to get rid of it.”

  Todd’s jaw flexed in a smile. She could tell from his drooping eyelids he was getting sleepy. Probably pain meds kicking in. “I’ll work on it.”

  “Good.” She adjusted her purse strap on her shoulder. “I should get going. I wish you the best in everything, Todd.”

  “You, too. Kelsey? You look beautiful.”

  She gaped for a moment. For all his praise in the beginning of their relationship, she’d hardly heard those words throughout their marriage. “You did take quite a hit on the head, didn’t you?”

  “Yeah, I think it knocked some sense into me.”

  She laughed, moving toward the door. “Well, let’s hope that’s the case.”

  And as luck would have it—her luck lately, at least—she came face-to-face with Courtney in the hall outside the elevator. She almost had to chuckle at the way Courtney’s eyes rounded and her body seemed to go on full alert, as if anticipating a physical attack. The Styrofoam coffee cup in her hand shook visibly.