Pillowtalk

  “At least shower today, will ya?” Austin said, his patience wearing thin. His brother patted his thigh and Charlie followed him out the front door, tail between his legs.

  Aaron wasn’t sure why the hell he was behaving like this over a woman who had only been in his life like a short blip, but as the visual of her came into his mind like a freight train, he knew exactly why he was so depressed and hopeless. She had not only the power to heal wounds; she had the power to create new, more devastating ones, and there was nothing he could do about it.

  Sure, he’d thought about getting her number from Chelsea, or hopping on a train and going to her place. He’d thought of writing her a letter, sending her flowers, anything and everything in his romantic arsenal…but it was the love he felt for her that had stopped him in his tracks. Her last words to him in that note, besides a flurry of thank-yous for what he’d given and done for her that week, was that she needed to say goodbye. Her heart wasn’t his, and it never would be because she’d saved it for someone else.

  Aaron understood, on the surface, maybe, but deep down was the horrid thought that if he’d been worthy of it, she’d at least let him have the part of her heart that wasn’t Jared’s. One day she might find a man who was worthy, and that ate at him like a ravenous beast all through his waking hours until he got a few moments of reprieve when he slept.

  This was what Jared meant to happen, he thought bitterly. Somehow along the way he’d gotten Aaron to believe in an afterlife, in fate, in how he was in some way forgiving him for what he’d done by letting him believe that falling in love with Kennedy was not just okay, but the right thing. No, it was all a setup, a way to get his revenge on him even after he’d gone, and, boy, it had taken its toll.

  Aaron pulled at the back of his head, trudged his way to the shower, and hoped the hot water would rinse away his thoughts.

  —

  Kennedy’s departure had kicked off a week of dry heat in Lyra, as if the clouds decided to go ahead and leave town as well. Aaron trudged through the long grass in his backyard, the spray from his sprinklers soaking into his T-shirt and spattering across his arms as the wind picked it up and moved it over him. He ran a hand over his freshly shaven face. The lack of wiry facial hair felt foreign, almost as if he was a different man again. He was a wheel, randomly spun and landing on a different version of himself. Before Lissa, after Lissa, before Jared’s death, after Jared’s death, before Kennedy…after Kennedy.

  A fiery torment surged through his blood, heating his skin. Aaron didn’t know if letting it out would make him feel better, worse, or do nothing, but he was one hundred percent positive he couldn’t hold it in any longer.

  His eyes flicked to the dock on his side of the lake, a few yards away, the lake splashing lightly up against the edge. Determination and anger filled his strides, pushing him toward that lake, the only place he was sure Jared would be if he were anywhere.

  “Is this what you wanted?” he shouted, surprising even himself that he was speaking the words aloud. The wind blew spray from the lake across his face, the only answer he received as he set his foot on the cracking and damp wood of the dock. “Because you got it, man.” He threw his arms out. “I ruined our friendship, everything we’d had, and I never got your forgiveness. I don’t deserve that, I deserve this, right? I deserve to feel what you felt that day, don’t I? Don’t I?”

  The hot wind picked up, sending the lake up to his boots, echoing the tide rolling in his chest, his heart crashing against his rib cage and breaking into more pieces each time it thumped. His hands flew to his hair, pulling at the strands, yanking them from the roots, anger rolling off him in waves that rivaled the ones at his feet.

  “You knew I’d fall for her!” he shouted back at the lake, knowing it was irrational and made not a lick of sense. “You were the one to make me feel like life wasn’t enough in L.A. You brought me back here, knowing she’d be in Lyra, knowing that she was too beautiful, too sweet, too…everything. This was a test you knew I’d fail, and then you ripped her away. You took her back just like I took Lissa from you. I get it. Lesson learned. You win.”

  Aaron’s pulse pounded in his head, his words hitting him so hard he fell to his knees at the edge of the dock. Beads of sweat tumbled from the ends of his hair and soaked into the wood.

  “You win,” he repeated, his body wiped, his soul drained. He pushed a hand over his face, his anger evaporating into the immense grief that he’d tried so hard to push away and hide. It consumed and crippled him, prickling at the backs of his eyes and eating away in his chest. It wasn’t just losing love so quickly after finding it; it was the years of loss he’d felt before his best friend was truly gone. How he’d never made it right, how he never could, how he didn’t know where to go from here. He wanted a break, no matter how undeserving he was of one.

  His forehead touched the dry and cracked dock. He’d had one brief moment when he hadn’t felt so empty, when he’d felt completely opposite. Kennedy’s body next to his, curled up in him…It was his only reprieve from the guilt and sense of loss that came despite his fight to fill it.

  She was his only cure, the only person in years to make him into the man he wanted to be. Chelsea had said it was okay….Austin even encouraged Aaron to go for it, but as Aaron crumpled in the dry summer air, he realized he needed only one person to tell him it was okay to fall in love when he didn’t deserve to ever have that feeling.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice barely heard in the cocoon he’d created for himself. “I miss you. And damn it, I’ll do anything, anything, to make it right.”

  He sat huddled at the edge of the dock, letting the heat, his grief, and his guilt all drown him, the love he still had for Kennedy his only life support. Even if it was brief, only a speck on his lifeline, he was grateful for it, grateful that he had the chance to feel something that strong for someone. He’d hold on to it for as long as he could, no matter how undeserving he was.

  A soft plink of water fell onto his hand, and his eyes shot open, rain sprinkling down and covering his back. The sun was still as bright as ever through the summer rain, not unusual in Lyra, but unexpected all the same. A calm ran under Aaron’s skin, resting on his shoulders, replacing years and years of guilt. He blew out a steadying breath, blinking against the small amount of precipitation that liked to come out of nowhere. Aaron felt a laugh slip out, his brow furrowing as he gazed up at the sky. If this was Jared’s way of telling him to stop being so damn dramatic, he was starting to get the message.

  His phone vibrated against his thigh, and he let it ring as he had all week, never really wanting to talk with anyone. But now…he just wanted a few minutes in the quiet solace he suddenly found himself in. He internally chuckled to himself, recalling a conversation he’d had with Jared when they were fresh into high school.

  “If it’s meant to be, there will be a clear-cut sign,” Jared had told him as they passed Chelsea in the hallway and Aaron got more than a little tongue-tied. “The universe speaks in billboards, not Post-its.”

  Aaron had secretly agreed with him, always using it as an excuse never to make a move on Chelsea until he got that giant sign. When Austin asked him to pose as her boyfriend, he’d thought that had been it. Obviously, it wasn’t, and it wasn’t meant to be, either.

  For a while after that, Aaron had argued Jared’s point, telling him that not everything was going to be slammed in your face. And he thought of that now as he leaned back on his knees and reveled in the sudden, soft rain. It might not be the loudest sign in the world, but Aaron got the quiet message, his heart pounding as he realized that maybe Kennedy wasn’t a punishment. She wasn’t a temptation or someone sent to torture and test him. She was the love of his life, and maybe…well, maybe he was one of the only people who could understand how she needed to love Jared, too. If only she’d come back, he’d tell her all of that and more.

  A solitary bing echoed around him, and he sighed, ripping his eyes away from the sky and pul
ling out his phone to read the text he’d gotten from Chelsea.

  Kennedy’s on a train. She’ll be here at 7:35. I suggest you get your lovesick butt down there.

  Aaron’s heart stuttered, and he pushed to his feet, tripping over himself just to get back to his. Jared just had to make it a billboard, didn’t he?

  Chapter 21

  Kennedy

  Would he even want to see me? Kennedy thought as she sat on the train, the heat from the sun streaming through the window and making her sticky and uncomfortable. She was so grateful that Chelsea had the sense not to listen to Kennedy’s request to spread the ashes; the moment she changed her mind, Chelsea had been her first phone call.

  She’d begged Chelsea not to tell Aaron she was heading back—she wanted to spread Jared’s ashes first, to grant him his last request, to give him peace, to let go enough to hold on to someone else.

  But never forget. She would never do that, and she finally realized that loving someone else wouldn’t mean forgetting the way she’d felt for Jared.

  The conductor’s voice fuzzed out over the intercom, announcing the next stop. Kennedy blew out a breath, excitement coupled with nerves as she grabbed hold of the handlebar above her head and pulled herself up. She’d gone over what she wanted to say at least a few dozen times, each explanation falling flat. She knew she’d been a complete pendulum while she stayed here…pushing away and falling forward, never knowing where she would land. But she was firmly set in her decision now, and she could only hope and pray Aaron would be just as forgiving as he was patient.

  She let out a weary laugh as the train pulled into the station, a light rain spattering across the windows. Of course it was raining. Hopefully this time it wasn’t a hunker-down type of storm brewing. She had things to do, apologies to make.

  Another long breath escaped her, and she tried to calm her nerves by reminding herself that she still had a few hours’ drive ahead of her before she saw him. Plenty of time to go over the perfect apology.

  She stepped onto the platform, eyes searching around for a colorful scarf and—if she was being honest—a look of death for leaving in the first place. But the first pair of eyes she found weren’t the oceanic blues that every member of the Porter clan had, but the warm, honey eyes that had haunted her dreams from the moment she’d noticed them just a few weeks ago.

  And she stopped dead in her tracks.

  Aaron stood there on the platform, his white T-shirt peeking out from under his signature plaid. His hair was mussed, the tips glistening in the sun that shone through the rain falling from the sky. Her feet were glued to the wood beneath her, but her heart…her heart was sailing through the air, hoping against all hope that he would catch it before it fell and spattered at his feet.

  “You’re back,” he said, his voice low, his lips parted, his eyes so unsure.

  Kennedy could almost taste the heartache she’d caused him, and it gutted her. She’d wanted Jared’s ashes spread before she told Aaron how sorry she was, and how much she loved him, but as the rain pelted down onto his shoulders, soaking into the fabric, his eyes hesitant and nervous, but still trying desperately to understand her, a sense of urgency swept through her, and she dropped her luggage and grasped for him, needing him to know now.

  He jolted at her touch, and she reached up, threading her fingers through the hair at the back of his neck, and then she crashed her lips to his. A sound of surprise vibrated from his throat, tingling her anxious, wet lips and making her worry that she’d jumped the gun. She pulled away, her voice immediately out the moment they parted.

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I was so scared and confused and I ran and it wasn’t fair, and I’m so—”

  His mouth covered hers so quickly that her words were sucked into oblivion, her thoughts quieted, and her heart jumped into her throat. His hands slid up her back, pulling her body flush against his, warming her from the inside out in the summer rain around them.

  She still had to tell him…she wanted him to hear it out loud and know and understand how much she meant it. He thought he was undeserving? This man who’d just forgiven and understood her with just a babbled nonsensical apology? No, if anyone was undeserving of this new love branching out between them, it was her.

  But his lips were such a sweet addiction that she lost herself in them, in him, and she could have been standing there for two seconds or two years and she wouldn’t have known the difference.

  “I…” she managed to get out during the small break in their kiss for much-needed air. “I love…”

  She felt his head shake, and she slowly opened her eyes, blinking away the rain. His forehead was bunched in the middle, his brows pulled low, his expression stricken with the same sense of urgency she felt running through her.

  “I know you love him,” he said. “You’re always going to love Jared. I get that. I promise you, I get it, and I understand it, and if you need time to work things out, I can step back—”

  Her brows pinched together, and she pressed a finger to his lips. She shook her head hard, locking eyes with him so he paid attention. He had to know that that wasn’t what she was going to say. He had to know that while she’d been so torn before, she wasn’t anymore. He’d completely sewn her together.

  “Yes,” she said, then set her hands on his cheeks. “I loved him, and a part of me still will.” She searched his eyes, the honey color swirling. “But…I love you, too.” A quiet, two-second beat fell between them, enough to make her worry about it. “Is that okay? Will that be okay?”

  His grip tightened on the small of her back, a long breath of relief falling from his lips. “I love you, too.” A grin began to grow under her fingers, and her heart sped up with the words hanging between them. “Of course it’s okay,” he said, meeting her gaze. “More than okay.”

  He tapped a sweet kiss to her forehead, to the tip of her nose, and he added, “Just…please don’t leave me again. This week has been absolute hell.”

  She nudged away her embarrassment, offering him up an apologetic frown that he must have found amusing because his lips turned up and a small laugh fell between them. She wouldn’t dare leave again, and the promise was written all over her face, enough that Aaron didn’t seem to need an answer. His lips caught hers, locking her again in euphoric, unreal bliss that she couldn’t believe she’d found not once, but twice. She knew how precious it was, how fleeting it could be, and so she held on, and promised herself and secretly him that she wouldn’t run from it when she could have it.

  “Hold me,” she said as they broke apart. “Please…will you hold me when I let him go?”

  His brow furrowed. “You want me to spread the ashes with you?”

  She nodded, closing her eyes and resting against the comfort of his shoulder. She wanted him near, knowing now that it was okay…that everything was okay. Her falling in love with him, him being there when she spread Jared’s ashes. It felt so right, so fitting, so imperfectly perfect with Jared’s best friend and now the man she had given her heart to for safekeeping.

  She felt the softest of kisses land on her forehead.

  “Kennedy, I will hold you whenever you ask me to.”

  —

  “Wait,” Aaron said, covering Kennedy’s fingers as she went to pop the lid of the urn open. She lifted her gaze, blinking away at the sprinkles of rain that fell between them. Aaron tightened his grip on her hand and pulled her farther down the lake, to a spot right behind his house. A grin flickered in the corner of his mouth and he said, “Right here. This was where Jared…cheated death the first time.”

  Kennedy pressed her lips together, fighting the urge to clarify that this was the spot where Aaron had saved Jared’s life. She liked his description just as much.

  “I’m sorry it took me so long, baby,” she said, shivering against the wind that suddenly blew over her back. She pressed a long kiss to the smooth surface, letting it linger as the rain slowed around her. Her heart skipped as she waited for the hesitation,
the sorrow that usually came every time she’d attempted this, but it was gone, replaced with something much more peaceful. She was finally giving Jared what he wanted, and a sense of calm fell over her as her fingers tucked under the crease of the lid. Aaron’s hands slid around her waist, his chest strong and sturdy against her back. The wind blew around them, jostling her on her feet, but Kennedy hadn’t felt more safe or sure than she did in the moment she put the urn up to her lips and whispered, “Goodbye, love.”

  Then she turned it over and let the ashes swim with the wind, the rain, and the lake.

  She leaned back into Aaron, his heart a comforting beat to her ears. His fingers ran up her arms as she capped the now empty urn.

  “You’re all wet,” she said, her laugh silent, yet so real in that moment it took her a bit by surprise. Whenever she had pictured finally giving Jared his last wish, she had imagined herself broken and alone without him. Instead she felt the absolute opposite—content and loved.

  Aaron’s grin pushed against her hair. “You, too.”

  “Can I change in your bedroom?”

  “Only if I can join you.”

  She laughed, her body shaking against his. After one final glance at the lake, she whispered another goodbye to her first love, then spun in Aaron’s hold, wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and nodded.

  A wicked grin spread on his lips and her feet were lifted from the ground, her legs wrapping easily around his waist. He coaxed her lips down to his, then he kissed her and carried her inside, where she welcomed the start of a new love.

  Epilogue

  Aaron

  SEVERAL YEARS LATER…

  A beam of sun streamed through the open window, shining directly on Aaron’s sleepy eyes. He groaned, rolling over and tucking into the soft comforter that smelled of apple and cinnamon, thanks to the hotel’s choice of laundry detergent. Kennedy was still snoozing, her breathing heavy and deep in the early morning, her back facing both the window and Aaron, allowing her not to be awoken by such harsh lighting.