My Forever

  I clicked my eyes back over to the monitor in front of me. “I miss you,” was all it read. I lost track of how many times my eyes scanned those three words over and over; tears stinging the back of my eyes. It was addressed to Parker. I swallowed deeply; scrolling anxiously down to see what she had written that in response to…

  “You should move here. I went bowling with my best friend Dylan yesterday, the weather was perfect. Mid-70’s, not a cloud in the sky. You would love it here. I just kept thinking how much better yesterday would have been if you were there with me…” That was it. I couldn’t take it. My head fell into my hands, and I was sobbing uncontrollably. I wasn’t sure how long I had been sitting there sobbing when I suddenly became aware of the creaking of the door. The creak I knew all too well…followed by footsteps.

  “You wanna order a pizza…” Parker came waltzing out of the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel. He trailed off when he saw my face; a look of sheer horror mixed with the most unbearable pain etched across it.

  My face twisted in agony. “Who is she?”

  He looked like a deer in the headlights. “Maddy,” he began gently.

  “Who—is—she?” I barely got out between sobs; my heart breaking with every tear.

  “She’s just a friend,” he answered simply.

  “Those emails sounded a lot friendlier than that!” I exclaimed, angrily.

  “You read my emails?” The accusatory tone his voice took on pierced through me. He was right. I had forgotten that I had only found out about her because I overstepped my boundaries. I wasn’t sure if I should be angry or sad, feel guilty or wrong.

  “You know what? I think I should go.” I stood up from the computer, grabbing my backpack and throwing it over my shoulder.

  “Let me explain.” Parker grabbed me by the arm, stopping me from taking another step forward.

  “That could take days,” I hissed. “There must have been over 3oo emails in there!”

  Pain was etched all across his face. “I needed someone to talk to…after Bo…you know what a train wreck I was.”

  “So you couldn’t have talked to me?” My voice cracked, and I stifled another cry.

  “I needed someone else…someone who wasn’t around during my childhood; someone who didn’t know Bo; someone who was an outsider.”

  The thought of him wanting or needing anyone else blurred my vision even more. “Well you can have her then!” I shot back finally before brushing past Parker and out of his room.

  “You’re making the biggest mistake of your life you know…” My best friend Kendall Walker stated as we approached the front doors to our High School.

  “About what?” I asked, my hand on the door handle, but frozen, waiting for an answer.

  “You pushing Parker away. You’re going to regret it Maddy, he’s amazing and you know it.” Her green eyes twinkled when she spoke about him. Kendall had always had a soft spot for Parker because his best friend was also her boyfriend. We had all spent countless hours together growing up.

  “Kendall, you have no idea what I’m going through.” I snapped at my best friend, causing her to jerk backwards, her blond curls whipping back with her.

  “Oh, I’m sorry I don’t know what it’s like to lose a brother in war…but you forget I lost my mother when I was four years old. Try experiencing that and then come back and tell me I have no idea what you’re going through.” Her tone was hurt; I instantly felt guilty.

  “Kendall.” I reached for her arm to stop her from going in the building. “I didn’t mean it like that I’m sorry.”

  Kendall stared back at me, her icy green eyes piercing through me; I couldn’t have moved a muscle if I tried. “You know what Maddy? Save it. I’m tired of your bitchy attitude and your selfish ways.” And with that she turned on her heel away from me and tore open the front door, stomping inside.

  I sighed. I hadn’t planned on a confrontation with my best friend. I didn’t even want to be in school yet, I wasn’t sure I was ready to be facing the human population but my parents decided it was best. They didn’t want me to fall anymore behind than I already was. It made sense, but it didn’t mean I stopped resenting them.

  They had not gotten any easier to live with either. In fact, they had only gotten worse. My usual routine had become isolation and loud music. But I couldn’t avoid the world around me forever so I pulled open the big red door and walked inside. The hustle and bustle of my peers was a little overwhelming, so I kept my head down as I hurried to my locker.

  I wasn’t expecting him to be there. I wasn’t sure what to expect anymore. His chocolate eyes were sad and distant, it pulled at my heart strings. “Parker…”

  “Do you really want to do this?” he asked, his lip quivering as he talked. I had to look away, he was going to break me.

  “Do what?”

  “Don’t play dumb—you know exactly what I am talking about,” he hissed.

  “Parker.” I turned to face him. He looked as handsome as ever with a Quicksilver t-shirt and shorts on. He could still make me blush with just one glance. But nothing felt right anymore. “I don’t even know how to live right now…throwing in a boyfriend is too stressful. I have so much on my plate right now.”

  I turned to open up my locker and throw my books in.

  “That’s such a cop out, you know that?” His sad expression had turned to anger.

  “My brother just died…how dare you say that to me!” I pointed my finger in his face.

  “I know! You don’t have to keep reminding me. I lost him too.” Parker swung his backpack he had been holding over his shoulders and began to walk away from me.

  “So that’s just how it’s going to be?” I called after him.

  He stopped walking and turned to face me. His expression looked so sad, I could have sworn there were tears if he was closer. I swallowed, my heart pounding wildly. I loved Parker Grant with every inch of my being. But lately, all I wanted to do was curl up in a little ball and set things on fire. I couldn’t see past my rage of losing my brother.

  “You see, I still believe in us and that we can get through this…but I’m not willing to put up with your bitchy attitude. Get over yourself and then come find me.” And then his back was turned once again to me.

  “Fine then! Go! It’s not like I care!” I shouted out the empty, mean words, my eyes stinging with tears ready to pour down. The few people in the hall were now completely fixated on me with shocked expressions across their faces.

  “What are you looking at?” I screamed, and then slammed my locker shut and raced into the bathroom.

  As soon as I was inside I sighed and then fell against the door, virtually blocking the entrance. And then I sobbed uncontrollably for what felt like an eternity when I heard a noise from inside one of the stalls. I hadn’t even thought of the possibility that I might not have been alone.

  I rose hesitantly, wiping off my jeans, and picking up my purse. I rounded the corner further into the bathroom when I saw them, a set of three urinals.

  There was no way.

  Without realizing it I had sprung myself into the boy’s bathroom and surprisingly no other guys had entered since I had made the mistake…but someone had heard my entire breakdown.

  I wasn’t myself…it became very obvious when I began pounding on the only locked stall. “I know you’re in there and you heard everything.”

  I didn’t expect the door to immediately open but it did and inside stood a guy around my age. He had blond hair and bright hazel eyes. His hair was shaggy and his attire made him look like a skater.

  “Look, I’m not here to judge,” he said softly, his hands in the air. Then he slowly reached one of his arms into his back pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. “You look like you could use one.”

  And even though I had never been attracted to smoking in my life I found myself welcoming the distraction; the new experience.

  “Thanks,” I said as I reached for one. And then with nothing fu
rther I ran out of the bathroom as quick as possible, throwing the lone cigarette in my purse and heading to my first class of the day.

  I stared at the door for a few minutes, attempting to will my legs to move…but I was frozen in place.

  I was already tardy. Would a full absence really be that bad?

  Before I knew it, I bolted in the direction of the doors and out to my car without another glance back.

  Four – You’re Damn Lucky I Love You

  Parker

  She thought I didn’t see her leave that day. But I did. Oddly enough, I saw her exit the boy’s bathroom and then swiftly slip out the side doors virtually unnoticed. She continued to do that the next few days as well.

  She wanted space. I gave her space. But it didn’t mean I stopped paying attention. That I stopped caring.

  It was Friday night and my best friend Dylan had talked me into going to a party with him to get my mind off of her. I was about as excited as throwing myself into a pool of sharks…but he had a point. Ever since Madalynne had made the stupid decision to push me away, I had stopped caring about anything—my appearance, my friends, my studies, my life. I needed this.

  For the first time in close to a week I took time and care in picking out what I would wear, I even put a little gel in my hair, and shaved my small amount of facial hair that had begun to grow. Lastly, I put on the cologne Maddy had gotten me for Christmas the previous year—Fierce by Abercrombie and Fitch. Although it sucked to be reminded of her, it was something that always gave me confidence.

  “You’re seriously like the equivalent to a woman,” Dylan droned from my bed. He was lying on his back staring at a Rolling Stones magazine I had lying around.

  “Shut up. Are you ready to go?” I asked him.

  Dylan shot up instantly. “Ready to go? I was ready to go thirty minutes ago…but you had to try on—“

  I threw my hand over his mouth muffling his words. “Grab your jacket and let’s get out of here.”

  He nodded without another word, following my instruction. Before I even knew it we were in his car on the way to the party. “So where’s Kendall tonight?” I asked of Dylan’s girlfriend, who was also coincidentally Maddy’s best friend.

  “She and Maddy decided to have a girl’s night. Good thing too. This can be our bros night out.” Dylan tapped on his steering wheel as he said that.

  I nodded. I was actually kind of relieved. Not having to worry about running into Maddy and just being able to enjoy myself for once.

  There were cars parked all over the grass. “It’s a barn party!” Dylan exclaimed excitedly as he parked and quickly hopped out of the car.

  I stared at the red barn in the distance filled with people inside and out mulling about. I took a deep breath and closed the car door. You can do this.

  As we approached I noticed an odd assortment of characters. The first thing that really caught my eye was the keg. I wanted to begin the night off right.

  “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Dylan asked, grinning at me as we closed in.

  I nodded, smiling back.

  Apparently I hadn’t been on the same page because before I knew it I was upside down on the keg chugging beer until I thought I might puke. I gave the signal to drop me and instantly felt all the blood rush back through my body. But I had to admit, I took it like a champ.

  “That was fucking awesome!” Dylan slapped me on the back and then jumped up to do one himself.

  I was still unsteady from the keg stand I had just done when I heard my name from behind me. “Parker? Parker Grant? Are you the Parker Grant?” It was a female’s voice but not one I recognized.

  I spun around, wiping any remaining beer remnants like foam from my face. “Excuse me? Do I know you?” The strawberry blond hair, short stature, and freckles did not ring a bell.

  Her baby blue eyes looked upset when I asked that. “I can’t believe you don’t remember me.”

  Contrary to popular belief at my school, I was not an asshole and she had me feeling terrible that I had no recollection.

  “Aria…” she trailed off as if waiting for me to pick up some sort of hint.

  “Aria…Aria…” and then it clicked. Aria Hunt. We had grown up together, we had the same babysitter, Nina Phillips. “Aria Hunt.” I let a surprised breath out of my mouth.

  She nodded, her blue eyes glistening as she did so. We had grown up as babies together until about the age eight. Aria used to chase Bo around like he was some prize to be won. Bo always said she had cooties. Now I know it was because Bo had already figured out his preference.

  “I haven’t seen you since...” Aria trailed off.

  “Nina’s funeral.” I finished.

  She nodded, a sad look taking over her face. “I heard about Bo. I picked up the phone a million times to call you but I couldn’t ever figure out the right words…and then one day I just stopped.”

  I shrugged, Bo’s death was always an uncomfortable situation for me to discuss with anyone. I had been the one to find him; to rip him down.

  “You want a drink?” I asked, hoping to change the subject from Bo to something more pleasant.

  “Heck yes!” She pumped her fist in the air. She was more of a nerd than I remembered.

  I chuckled softly to myself then poured us both cups of the amber colored liquid. After handing one to her I motioned towards the haystacks that were conveniently placed everywhere. “Wanna sit?”

  She nodded then followed me to the closest one.

  “So, tell me, what have you been up to since I last saw you?”

  She scrunched her nose like she was thinking and then took a sip of her beer. “Let me see, I haven’t seen you since I was eight years old. A lot has happened…I don’t even know where to start.”

  “How about this—are you dating anyone?” I wasn’t even sure where the question had come from…or why I even cared. But something about her made me curious.

  “No actually.” She sighed before taking a long swig of beer. “I was recently dumped.”

  “You too?” I asked, tapping my cup against hers as a cheers and then swallowing a gulp. Technically I hadn’t been dumped…but Maddy was making it more of a reality every single day she took her space.

  “What happened?”

  “She cheated on me. Found a newer model.” I had practically choked on my sip of beer when I heard her answer.

  “She?”

  She remained calm and collected in the eye of the storm, even grinning back at me. “What? You didn’t know? I’m a lesbian.” And then she downed the rest of her beer.

  “But you chased Bo around like a cat in heat our entire childhood!” I choked out.

  “I knew he was different, like me. I wanted to be his friend, Parker. Just his friend.”

  I shook my head, taking it all in, digesting it. “I really had you pegged as another unrequited love case.”

  “Give me more credit—you know I’m spunkier than that!” Then she punched me in the arm. “Now I’m going fishing…you coming?”

  “Fishing?”

  “Yeah, are you blind? There’s a whole plethora of girly fish out there to choose from. Let’s go fishing!” She grabbed my arm and began pulling me inside of the barn.