Junie B. Jones and the Yucky Blucky Fruitcake

  “Yeah, only I didn’t even tell you the bestest part yet!” I said. “’Cause Mrs. read me the kind of games they’re going to play. And so now I can practice them at home. And I will be the bestest game winner of anyone!”

  I hurried to the laundry room to get the clothespins.

  “They’re gonna have a game where you drop clothespins in a bottle!” I hollered to Grandma. “Except for I can’t find a bottle in this whole big laundry room. So I’m just gonna drop these clothespins in a bucket. ’Cause that will give me the feel of it, I think!”

  I got the bucket away from the mop. Then I dropped all of my clothespins right in that thing.

  “Hey, Grandma! I did it! I did it! I dropped every single clothespin in this big bucket. And I didn’t even miss one of them! I am a breeze at this game!”

  I ran back to her. “Now I need some pennies to practice the Penny Toss,” I said.

  And so Grandma Miller gave me all her pennies. And I ran back and threw those guys in the bucket, too!

  And here’s another fun thing! When Mother came home from work, she showed me how to putt with a real actual golf club!

  Only no golf balls in the house. So I just putted a grapefruit. And also a dinner roll.

  And guess what? That night at dinner I didn’t even growl about sitting on the telephone book. ’Cause everything was going my way, that’s why!

  After we ate, Mother and Daddy cleaned up the dishes together.

  They weren’t even paying attention to me.

  That’s how come I sneaked into the bathroom to practice another game.

  Its name is Throwing Sponges at Principal!

  First, I got the sponge from under the sink.

  Then I made it soaky wet with water.

  “Ready…

  “Aim…

  “Fire!” I said.

  Then I throwed the sponge with all my might.

  It splashed right in the middle of the toilet pot!

  “BULL’S-EYE! I MADE A BULL’S-EYE!” I hollered real excited.

  Only just then, I heard a knock at the door.

  “Junie B.? What are you doing in there? Open the door.”

  Oh no!

  It was Mother!

  I was in big trouble, I think.

  My heart got very pumping. On account of I’m not actually allowed to play in the toilet.

  So I quick flushed the sponge down the pot.

  Only too bad for me. ’Cause that dumb thing got stucked in the hole.

  And the water kept on getting higher.

  And higher.

  And then it runned right over the top!

  Mother banged harder.

  “I SAID OPEN THE DOOR!”

  I did a gulp.

  “Yeah, only it’s a little bit splashy in here right now,” I explained kind of quiet.

  Mother unlocked the door with the key.

  I smiled very pleasant.

  “Hello. How are you today?” I said.

  Mother hollered the name of ROBERT!

  Robert is my daddy. Except for sometimes he is Bob.

  He came running in there.

  “Well, good night, folks,” I said.

  Then I tried to sneak out of there. But Mother held on to my shirt. And so even when I kept on walking, I kept on staying.

  She made me help her and Daddy dry up the water with towels.

  After that, I had to take a bath. Only I don’t know why. ’Cause I was already wet from the toilet.

  After my bath, Mother tucked me into bed. Me and her had a little talk.

  “Look, Junie B., Daddy and I know you’re excited about the carnival,” she said. “And we also know you’re having fun practicing the games. But you’re worrying too much about winning. Nobody can win all of the time.

  “Right?” she said.

  “Right,” I said.

  “And besides, the fun of a school carnival isn’t whether you win or lose,” she said. “The fun of a school carnival is just playing the games in the first place.

  “Right?” she said.

  “Right,” I said.

  “So we’ll go to Carnival Night on Friday. And we’ll have a great time. And we won’t worry if we don’t win any prizes at all.

  “Right?” she said.

  “Right,” I said.

  Mother kissed me goodnight. “See you in the morning,” she said.

  “Right,” I said.

  After she closed my door, I waited for her feet to walk away. Then I quick took out my flashlight from under my pillow.

  I shined it all around my room.

  First, I shined it on my dresser.

  Then I shined it on my toy box.

  Then I shined it on the brand-new bookshelf Daddy made me.

  I smiled and smiled.

  “That’s where I’m going to put them,” I whispered to just myself.

  “That is where I’m going to put my hundred prizes.”

  5/Stupid Dumb Carnival Games

  Carnival Night was Friday after dinner.

  Daddy drove me and Mother there in the car. Only not baby Ollie. ’Cause he is a fussbudget, that’s why.

  I unbuckled my seat belt and looked out the window.

  “Hey!” I said. “Look at all the lights on the playground! It looks like a real alive carnival out there!”

  I looked harder.

  “And guess what else? There are clowns at this place! Only don’t let them get near of me, okay? ’Cause clowns are not normal, I think.

  “HEY! THERE’S MY BESTEST FRIEND NAMED LUCILLE!” I yelled.

  I hurried up out of the car.

  “LUCILLE! HEY! LUCILLE! LOOK! IT’S ME! IT’S JUNIE B. JONES! I’M AT CARNIVAL NIGHT!”

  Me and Lucille runned at each other.

  She had red hearts painted on her face.

  “Look at me, Junie B.! Look how beauteous I am!” she said. “I just got my face painted by Mrs. Hall, the art teacher!”

  She puckered her lips at me.

  “And see my lips? My nanna put red lipstick on them so they would match my hearts!”

  Lucille’s lips were shiny and slickish. I tried to touch the bottom one. But Lucille said, “Don’t smudge me.”

  Just then, Mother and Daddy caught up with me.

  Daddy had bought tickets for all the carnival games.

  “Ready to get started?” he said.

  “Yes!” I said. “’Cause I’ve been waiting for this exciting evening my whole entire career!”

  I runned and runned till I found my most favorite game. Its name was Putting the Golf Ball.

  There was a long green carpet there. The carpet had a little hole with a flagpole in it. And also there was a man holding golf clubs.

  I ran up to him.

  “Guess what? I’m going to win a prize at this thing,” I said. “’Cause I’ve been practicing my putting very hard.”

  “Good for you,” said the man.

  Then he gave me a golf club. And he put a teeny white ball in front of me.

  It was the teeniest ball I ever saw.

  I looked at it for a real long time.

  Then I tapped on him.

  “I mostly just putt grapefruit,” I explained.

  The man did a frown. “Hurry up, okay? There are other children waiting,” he said.

  “Yeah, only I can also use a dinner roll,” I told him.

  “Please!” he grouched. “Just hit the ball.”

  And so that’s how come I felt pressure inside me. And I swinged the golf club way far back. And I hit the teeny ball very hard.

  It zoomed right off the green carpet.

  Then it flied in the air.

  And it bounced and bounced.

  And people shouted the word of ouch.

  I quick gave the man back his golf club. Then me and Mother and Daddy rushed out of there very fast.

  Mother looked upset.

  “Why don’t we try a game where she can’t actually kill someone,” she said.

&nb
sp; “HEY! I KNOW A GAME WHERE I CAN’T ACTUALLY KILL SOMEONE!” I shouted. “AND ITS NAME IS CLOTHESPINS IN A BOTTLE!”

  I runned and runned till I found it.

  “Clothespins, please!” I said to the lady.

  She gave me five of them. Then she told me all the ’structions.

  “Just hold the clothespins at waist level and drop them—one at a time—into this milk bottle,” she said.

  She put an empty milk bottle down at my feet. It had a little hole at the top where the milk pours out.

  “Drop two clothespins in the bottle and you win a prize,” she said.

  I stared and stared at the little hole.

  “How come that hole is so little do you think?” I asked the lady.

  “I don’t know,” she said. “Just go ahead and start.”

  I scratched my head.

  “Yeah, only I don’t even know how cows can squirt their milk into such a teeny thing,” I said.

  The lady tapped her foot. “There are other children waiting,” she told me.

  I looked up at her.

  “Have you ever thought about using a bucket?” I asked.

  “Just go!” she grouched.

  And so then I felt pressure inside me again. And I hurried to drop my clothespins into the teeny hole. Only every single one of them fell right on the floor.

  My eyes got tears in them.

  “See?” I said. “I told you that dumb hole was too little.”

  Just then a clown saw me being sad. And he grinned a giant smile at me.

  I hided behind Mother’s skirt. “Don’t let him get near of me,” I told her.

  Only the clown runned right over. And he peeked his white face close to me.

  His teeth were big and yellowish.

  “BACK OFF, CLOWN!” I shouted.

  Then Daddy closed his eyes. And Mother said the word oh my.

  After that, me and Mother had a little talk. It was called—no screaming back off, clown. Only I never even heard of that rule before.

  My nose got sniffly.

  “Carnival Night isn’t being fun,” I said very sad.

  And so that’s how come Daddy bought me an ice cream cone. And Mother bought me a red balloon.

  Only too bad for me. ’Cause when she handed me the string, my ice cream dropped on the ground. And my balloon string slipped right out of my fingers.

  I bended my head back and watched my balloon float up to the sky.

  Then my eyes got more tears in them.

  And I said the word of poop.

  6/Bull’s-Eye

  Carnival Night was being the worstest night of my life.

  That’s because I kept on losing at every single game.

  I lost at Penny Toss.

  And I lost at Ring Toss.

  And also I lost at the stupid Fishing Booth. Except all you have to do is hang a fishing pole over the table. And somebody puts a toy on your pole. Only I just got a stupid dumb comb on my pole and that’s all.

  “Hey! What kind of stupid dumb prize is this?” I said. “A stupid dumb comb isn’t even a toy! ’Cause I can’t even play with this stupid dumb thing!”

  Daddy sat me down on a bench.

  Me and him had another talk. It was called—stop saying the words stupid and dumb. And also I have to appreciate my comb.

  Just then, I heard a voice holler at me.

  “JUNIE B. JONES! HEY! JUNIE B. JONES! I’VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER THE PLACE FOR YOU!”

  I turned around.

  It was my other bestest friend, that Grace. She was holding lots of stuff in her hands.

  “Look, Junie B.! Look at all my prizes! I won a shiny plastic car, and some pretty barrettes, and a delicious red lollipop, and two rubber bugs, and an eraser that looks like a hot dog! See them? See all my good stuff?”

  “Yeah? So?” I said.

  That Grace did a frown at me. “How come you said yeah so? How come you’re grouchy at me, Junie B.? And why are you just sitting here on this bench?”

  I did a mad breath. “I’m appreciating my comb, that’s why. Don’t you know anything, Grace?”

  Just then, Daddy walked me away from that Grace. And he said I better shape up, little missy, or else we’re going home right now.

  Mother told Daddy to calm down his blood pressure.

  “We have three tickets left,” she said. “Let’s all take some deep breaths and start all over again. What do you think, Junie B.? Do you want to try the Sponge Throw? That sounds like fun, doesn’t it?”

  Then Mother held my hand. And me and her went to find the Sponge Throw. And Daddy kept on doing deep breaths.

  The Sponge Throw was right in the middle of the playground.

  Principal was there.

  He was standing behind a board with a big clown suit painted on the front of it. Only instead of a face, there was a round hole cut in the board. And Principal’s head was sticking out of it.

  His face and hair were very drippity. That’s because kids kept on hitting him with sponges.

  It looked like the funnest game I ever saw!

  I hurried up and got in line.

  Except for just then something very terrible happened. And its name is, that Jim I hate got in line right behind me.

  “Boo!” he said.

  “You did not scare me, Jim,” I said.

  “Yes, I did too.”

  “No, you did not.”

  “Yes, I did too. And anyway, you shouldn’t even be in this line. ’Cause girls can’t throw sponges as good as boys,” he said.

  “Yes, they can too!” I said. “’Cause I even practiced this game at my house. And I made a bull’s-eye right in my toilet pot. So there!”

  That mean Jim laughed real loud.

  “P.U.! JUNIE B. JONES PLAYS IN HER TOILET!” he hollered.

  And so all the other kids started laughing, too.

  Just then, the sponge lady tapped on me. She handed me two soaky wet sponges.

  “Your turn, sister,” she said.

  Only I just kept standing there and standing there. ’Cause all those meanie kids wouldn’t stop laughing.

  “Guess what? I don’t even know if I can throw these things now. ’Cause all that laughing is ruining my self-steam,” I said.

  “Sorry, sis. Either throw the sponges or get out of line,” the lady told me.

  And so finally I took a big breath. And I aimed my sponge at Principal’s baldy head. And I throwed with all my muscles.

  “MISSSSED HIM! YOU MISSSSED HIM! HA-HAHA-HA-HAAAA-HAAAA,” sang that Jim I hate.

  That’s how come my temperature boiled over.

  And I quick spun around.

  And I throwed my other sponge right at that meanie boy’s face!

  It hit him right in the kisser!

  “BULL’S-EYE!” I shouted very happy.

  Then I runned out of that place as fast as I could. ’Cause I was in big trouble, that’s why.

  “Junie B. Jones!” yelled Mother.

  “Junie B. Jones!” yelled Daddy.

  I runned and runned till I saw the giant Moon Walk Tent.

  Then I quick climbed inside of it. And I throwed my shoes out the door. ’Cause of no shoes allowed in there.

  The Moon Walk Tent is like a big puffy house. You can jump far and wide in that place.

  I jumped and jumped till sweat came on my head.

  “This is the funnest jumping I ever saw!” I said very springy.

  Except for just then the tent lady blew her whistle.

  “Time’s up!” she yelled.

  I peeked out the door.

  Mother and Daddy were waiting for me.

  They weren’t smiling.

  “I think I’ll stay in here,” I said.

  Only just then, Daddy came over. And he lifted me right out the door.

  I smiled very pleasant.

  “Hello. How are you today?” I said.

  But Daddy didn’t say hello. He just carried me right back to that mean Jim.

&
nbsp; Then he made me say a ’pology to him. And also to his mother.

  “Sorry I throwed a sponge at your meanie boy’s face,” I said.

  Daddy rolled his eyes way far back in his head. He carried me back to the Moon Walk Tent again.

  “Get your shoes,” he said. “We’re going home.”

  “Yeah, only I was just starting to have fun,” I said. “Plus I didn’t even do the Cake Walk yet. And it is in my very own Room Nine.”

  “I told you to get your shoes,” said Daddy very grumpity.

  And so I went to the shoe pile. But I could only find one shoe. And not the other one.

  I tapped on the tent lady.

  “Can you help me find my other shoe? See what they look like? They are shiny and black with a strap that buckles. Their name is pat-and-leather.”

  Then me and her and Mother and Daddy looked for my other shoe. But we couldn’t find it anywhere.

  “Darn it,” I said. “Now my feet are ruined.”

  I started to cry a teeny bit.

  Then Daddy smoothed my hair. And he said the word don’t worry.

  “You and Mother go on to the Cake Walk,” he said. “I’ll stay here and find your other shoe.”

  And so then Mother holded my hand.

  And me and her walked to Room Nine.

  With just pat.

  And no leather.

  7/Winning!!!

  Room Nine looked very fun. Music was playing in that place. And children were marching in a circle.

  They were stepping on big squares of paper with numbers on them.

  “That’s the Cake Walk,” Mother explained. “You walk around in a circle until the lady stops the music. Then she pulls a number out of a hat. And if you’re standing on the square with the same number, you win a cake.”

  Mother pointed to a table with cakes on it.

  “See all the delicious cakes you have to choose from?” she said.

  I looked at all the delicious cakes.

  Then my mouth got very watering. And I did a little bit of drool on myself.

  All of a sudden, the music stopped. And all of the children stopped, too.

  The cake lady reached into a hat. She pulled out a number.

  “Number five!” she said very loud.

  “HEY! THAT’S ME! I’M ON FIVE!” shouted a boy with red hair.

  Then he ran right to the cake table and picked out a chocolate one for his prize.

  “Yum!” I said. “This looks like the most delicious game I ever saw!”