Outnumbered

  A chill runs through me, but it’s not from the temperature.

  “Who is trying to find her?” I whisper against her hair. “Is Seri…trying to hide from someone?”

  “No, Seri is not,” Netti says quietly. “We needed a fresh start.”

  I tense a little and hold my breath as I contemplate what this information might mean. She said Seri wasn’t hiding from someone, but she didn’t say that about herself or Iris. However, her tone is slightly off, and I’m not sure I want to ask for any more details—not just yet.

  “Why do you call yourself ‘Netti’?”

  “A childhood name,” she says simply. “It is what Iris called Serenity when she was young. It is a bond they have between them.”

  “Do you…do you mean the Iris that’s here now?”

  “Iris is sleeping.”

  “I mean, the one…the one who’s in there with you—with you and Seri—or do you mean the one who died?”

  “They are the same.”

  “But Seri and Iris…they’re sisters, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “So, at one point there were two of them.”

  “They are still two.”

  I roll my eyes, glad she can’t see me in the dark. I’m getting nowhere with this. Again, I wish I had made notes with all the clues I have gathered so far—the differences in personalities and the inconsistencies in Seri’s story about her sister. Now that I have the opportunity to ask Netti to explain, I can’t seem to get a satisfactory answer.

  “But she has always been Seri, right? Iris…Iris used to be…to be someone else.”

  Netti tenses in my arms. Apparently, my question isn’t one she wants to answer. Maybe she doesn’t know. I don’t know exactly who Netti is and decide to change the question entirely.

  “If Seri and Iris are sisters, who are you? How do you fit in?”

  “Iris is our strength. Seri is our heart. I am the negotiator.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I help Seri bridge the gaps when Iris comes around. I fill in her memories with those things that are most important and exclude those that would cause her distress.”

  “Oh.” I don’t know how to respond to that, and I’m not sure how to ask for clarification. Obviously, Netti doesn’t classify my nocturnal activities with Iris as “important,” and I’m debating whether or not I should feel insulted. I kind of doubt I’m going to get any kind of logical answer to such an illogical question, so I move on. “So, you only come out when Seri is scared, right?”

  “Primarily.”

  “There are other times?”

  “Yes. When she was young, I only came when the girl was frightened. I do the same now to protect her from fear and stress, but there are other times. Sometimes, Iris is…difficult.”

  “Difficult?”

  “Iris likes to take the spotlight. She has a tendency to get us all into trouble.”

  “Like the donuts.”

  “Donuts?”

  “Iris is the one who stole the donuts that first day we met,” I say. “That’s why Seri doesn’t know how they got into her pocket.”

  “Oh, yes,” Netti says. “That was Iris. She tends to be more driven by base desires. She’s always been that way.”

  “I guess that’s why they need a negotiator.”

  “Precisely.”

  “What else do you negotiate?”

  “Time,” she says simply, and I have to press her for an explanation. “Iris would like to come forward more often, but that is not in Seri’s best interest. Seri is fragile and must be protected. Iris is more selfish. She’d like more time with you, but I have not allowed it.”

  “Why not?”

  “She would emerge every night if she were able,” Netti says. “She’s quite taken with you, but I can only do so much when it comes to hiding Iris from Seri. Too much time spent and Seri would know something wasn’t right. She must be protected, first and foremost.”

  “Protected from me?”

  “Yes, but not in the way you may be thinking,” she says. “We appreciate what you have done for us—for all of us. I don’t think we would be here now, in this little snow house, if you planned to do her harm.”

  “I wouldn’t hurt her.” The words are out before I even think. As soon as I hear them, I realize I haven’t had any violent thoughts about her in days.

  In fact, I haven’t had any violent thoughts since I spilled my guts to Seri when I was drunk. I don’t know why I didn’t realize it sooner. I’d been with Margot for years, and I never stopped having vile images flash through my head. Maybe they were less frequent than when I first met her, but they never went away completely.

  Now they were just…gone.

  At first, having this woman in my cabin was just mildly annoying. Strangely enough, I’d grown comfortable with her presence. Watching her move around the cabin, make dinner, wash dishes, play with the cat—it all felt normal—or at least what I thought normal was supposed to feel like.

  I swallow hard as I think about my decision to build a snow cave. What would I have done if it were just me out here in a snowstorm? Granted, I wouldn’t have wandered into the marshes and fallen through the ice, but even then, I wouldn’t have gone into strict survival mode. I would have tried to make it back to the cabin, and fuck it all if I died along the way.

  I wasn’t trying to save me; I was trying to save her.

  Them.

  Whatever.

  I squeeze my eyes shut. All of this talk about how many people are inside of the woman wrapped up in my arms has made my own head go soft. Obviously, I need some sleep, but there’s one more question I need to ask first, one that’s been bothering me for a while now.

  “Netti?” I have to clarify the name once again, just in case.

  “Hmm?”

  “Is Iris…is she dangerous?”

  “Only to herself.”

  I sigh. I’m not sure I’ve accomplished much of anything despite the opportunity to speak with the most rational of the personalities. Every answer raises more questions, and every thought seems more ludicrous than the last.

  “Is this even real?” I mutter.

  “Of course it’s real.”

  For the first time, I hear something resembling emotion from Netti, but I’m not sure if she’s insulted or just annoyed by all of the questions.

  “But it’s all in her head, isn’t it? I mean, you aren’t really three different people.”

  Netti turns her head toward me, and though I can only see the dim outline of her profile, I have the feeling she’s scowling at me.

  “Fear is only in our heads, but we still feel afraid. Anger exists inside of us, but we still lash out. Only inside of us does love exist…or devotion or emotional pain. Does that make it less real?”

  She turns back and rests her head against my arm again.

  “I hadn’t thought of it like that,” I say softly. “Sorry.”

  Netti presses her back against my chest, and I hear her sigh quietly. She grips my forearm and turns her cheek to press against mine, and I think I’m forgiven for my ignorance.

  Holding her tightly, I shift to try to get a little pressure off my hip and shoulder, but the hard-packed snow beneath the cloth is uncomfortable, and there’s nothing to be done about it. I’ve slept in worse conditions.

  I hear Netti’s breathing, deep and regular, and I know she’s fallen asleep. I wonder who she is going to be when she wakes up. If she is Seri again, will she remember anything of my conversation with Netti?

  If she doesn’t, should I tell her?

  Chapter 17

  My sleep is restless.

  I’ve managed to sleep in all kinds of places, from cold, metal bunks in solitary confinement to cold alleys while surrounded by thieves, but I prefer a nice, warm bed. The ground is hard, and the cold seeps through the coat I laid below us.

  I don’t try to adjust my position much since Seri—or Netti—is sleeping soundly, and I don’t want
to disturb her. Or them.

  I’m starting to realize that pronouns are an issue.

  I open my eyes though I can’t see much of anything aside from vague shapes in the dark. I also can’t hear anything, but that’s a good sign. I think the storm has passed, and if there is starlight, I’ll be able to find the cabin. I just need to wake Seri up so I can check, but what do I call her?

  Nouns are also an issue.

  “Hey,” I say quietly as I shake the woman’s shoulder. “Wake up. I think the storm has passed.”

  “What?” The sound from her voice is more of a croak than a word, and it’s immediately followed by a fit of coughing.

  “You okay?” I ask when the cough quiets down.

  “I think so.” She coughs a bit more and then tries to sit up.

  “Low ceiling,” I say, reminding her. “Be careful.”

  She lifts herself onto her elbows, and the parka falls off her head and shoulder. She shivers and presses close to me, coughing again.

  “You sure you’re all right?” I ask. I grit my teeth, trying to figure out who I’m talking to. “Do you know where you are? What’s my name? What’s your name? What’s the cat’s name?”

  “Ha ha,” she says. “Bishop, Seri, and Solo. Can I get up now?”

  I smirk at my own cleverness, glad she isn’t able to see my expression.

  “Yeah. You’ll have to crawl out before I can.”

  “All right.” Seri shuffles around for a moment. “Feet first?”

  “It’s the only way.”

  “Got it.”

  “Put my socks on first. Your boots are still wet.”

  “Okay.”

  Seri shuffles her way out of the cave and I follow, bringing with me our boots and my inner coat. Loose snow covers the area, but I don’t think it’s any deeper than it was before. I pull my boots on and stand up straight to stretch my back and get my bearings.

  The sky is bright and still, and the half-moon is visible. I can clearly see the outlines of the barn and the cabin in the distance.

  “It doesn’t even look that far away,” Seri says.

  “It’s not,” I reply. “The problem is finding it when you can’t see through the storm. The worst thing to do is to get yourself lost.”

  “How long have we been out here?”

  “Just a few hours. With your boots still wet, I’m going to carry you. It will be slow going, but at least you’ll stay dry. We’ll be back in the cabin with a fire going in no time.”

  Seri holds her wet boots, socks, and my axe, and I carry her piggyback style, slowly, toward the dark shape of the cabin in the distance. When we get to the door, I can already hear Solo howling from the other side. Beyond the door, it’s dark and cold.

  “Poor kitty,” Seri says as I set her down on the floor inside. Solo runs around in a circle, screaming in his little kitten voice. She picks him up and holds him to her chest as he continues to meow. “Were you scared? I was scared, too.”

  After shedding my winter gear, I light the kerosene lamp so Seri can see well enough to get Solo some sustenance while I get the fire going again. I find a few hot coals buried in the ashes, and the fire lights quickly after I pile them together and toss some kindling on top. I make cold sandwiches so we don’t starve waiting for the coals to provide enough heat for cooking.

  I head into the back of the closet and bring out the bearskin and lay it down on top of the braided rug for a little more warmth. All of us sit close to the fire, Solo on Seri’s lap, to try to ward off the chill while we eat. I’m tired, but all I can think about is the wood still sitting on the sled by the barn. I need to get back out and haul it to the cabin.

  “My stomach is killing me,” Seri says as she rubs her belly. “I guess lunch didn’t agree with me.”

  A few minutes later, she jumps up and runs to the bathroom. Solo races after her, but she closes the door, and he turns to yell at me.

  “Nothing I can do about it,” I say with a smile. I tap my fingers on the floor, trying to coax him over, but he’s far too pissed about the door in front of him. He whines and paces.

  Seri is in the bathroom a long time. When she finally comes out, she can’t meet my eyes. She picks up Solo and coos at him.

  “Feel better?” I ask.

  “Yeah, a little.”

  “Did you get sick?”

  “Um, not vomiting, no. Just, uh, trying to avoid TMI.”

  “TMI?”

  “Too much information.”

  “Oh. Okay, I get it.”

  “You never owned a cell phone, did you?” She snickers. “That’s a pretty common abbreviation for texting.”

  “Never had use for one. I don’t have anyone I want to call, and everyone seems to just play games on the things anyway.”

  “I have to admit, I was definitely one of those people.” Seri places Solo on the floor and then sits down in the chair with her hand on her stomach. “My phone was rarely more than a couple of feet away from me. Lots of social media and silly games. It still feels a little strange not having it. Every once in a while, I start to grab for it, and then I remember I lost it.”

  “Is it in your backpack?”

  “Yeah, I think so. The battery had been dead for a while though.”

  “We could try to find it.”

  “I’m not sure I want it anymore.”

  “Why not?”

  Seri looks at me for a long moment and then shakes her head.

  “I guess I’m getting used to this rugged living.”

  “A few hours in a snow cave, and you’re ready to join the Inuit?”

  “Not exactly.” Seri leans forward and holds her hands out toward the fire. “But it does put the important things into perspective. Phones no longer make the list.”

  “They were just getting popular when I started high school,” I tell her. “A couple of my friends had them, but they weren’t the fancy ones people have now. Mostly it was a way for parents to keep track of their kids after school.”

  “That’s how I conned my father into buying me one.” Seri smiles, then frowns. “Well, Iris did, anyway. She was late getting home, and no one could find her. Our parents were worried sick. It turned out she was still at school—late soccer practice or something like that—and she finally called from a friend’s phone. After that, we both got phones of our own.”

  I listen to Seri’s musing, but I need to get the sled back, so I excuse myself and gear up. It takes some time to get the wood from the sled stacked up on the far side of the fire, and having the door open during the task has cooled off the cabin again. I place the fish up on the kitchen counter to thaw and hang the caribou hide on a hook at the back wall. I’m completely exhausted by the time I’m done, but I go back to building up the fire with dense wood for extra heat. When the fire is blazing, I haul the sled back to the barn, then return to the cabin, ready to drop.

  “You should get some sleep,” Seri says.

  “Yeah.” It’s the only word I get out before I drop to the bed and close my eyes.

  When I wake, Seri is standing by the fire, and Solo is curled up in his box. There’s no sunlight coming through the window, so I know I’ve slept through the rest of the day. Considering how little sleep I got last night, I must have needed it.

  I sit up and ask Seri if she’s eaten yet.

  “Yes, I fried some of that fish you brought back,” she says. “Solo has eaten, too. I made enough for you as well. It’s in the kitchen. Shall I warm it up?”

  “I’ll get it.”

  As I sit on the bed and eat, I watch Seri. She’s not doing anything—just standing by the fire—but I can’t stop looking at her while I think of the last time I was with Iris. I’m continually shocked at how normal it feels to have Seri here with me, and Iris...well, Iris certainly keeps me on my toes when she does choose to appear. My mind wanders to how it felt to be inside of Iris and wonder if it would feel different with Seri.

  I lick my lips and glance away. I wonder wh
at might happen if I start asking about Iris. Would she hear the conversation and maybe make an appearance? Would she do the sort of things she did to me before, like holding me down on the bed and riding me until I couldn’t think?

  Before I can come up with something to say to cause Iris to appear, Seri pulls me from my thoughts.

  “I’m still cold,” she says. “Only the side of me facing the fire can get warm enough.”

  Without thinking, I get off the bed and step up behind her. I press my chest to her back and wrap my arms around her waist.

  “Is this better?”

  “Yeah,” she says quietly.

  I hold her close to me, trying to keep just enough distance to stop my cock from being obvious. She leans her head back on my shoulder and tilts her face to look at me.

  “Thank you,” she whispers. She grips my forearms with her hands. “I do feel a little warmer.”

  “My pleasure.”

  She turns around in my arms until she’s facing me. I feel the transferred warmth of the fire on her body and press myself against the heat as I wrap my arms around her back. She reaches up to place her arms around my neck and looks at me, wordlessly, until my skin is tingling. I watch her closely as she glances at my mouth and licks her lips, and my heart begins to beat faster. I tilt my head and move forward until my lips meet hers.

  The kiss is slow at first, but when Seri weaves her fingers into my hair, I press harder, opening my mouth and finding her tongue. Our bodies press together, and I can no longer hide how much I want her. I drop my hand to her hip, holding her against me, and she tilts her head to deepen the kiss as her fingers grip my shoulders.

  After a few minutes, we release each other, breathless. For a moment, we can only stare into each other’s eyes. Seri’s cheeks redden, and she presses her face into my chest. I’m sure she can hear the rapid beating of my heart as I hold her close to me.

  I have no idea how far Seri wants this to go. My cock aches to be inside of her, and I want to smack myself for not asking Netti how I could summon the other entities inside of this woman. If Iris were here, I know I’d get some relief, but I’m not sure what Seri wants. If she is seeking only the comfort and warmth of our closeness, it might not be enough for me. I want more, but the idea of summoning Iris, even if I knew how, doesn’t feel right.