Always With Love

  ‘Amazing.’

  ‘I’ll probably crash out for a bit when I get there,’ he warns, suggesting he’s spent another flight watching films rather than making the most of being able to lie flat and sleep. ‘At least you and your Mum can have some time to get ready together without me interfering.’

  ‘Very true … I’m so happy you’re back.’

  ‘Same. There’s nowhere I’d rather be than on my way to you.’

  His words make me giggle. They might be cheesy, but he’s saying them to me – and I love him for that. No matter how difficult and full of torment the past few months have been, those negative feelings seem to lift dramatically just through knowing he’s so close.

  When I’ve put the phone down I hear a gentle knock on my door.

  ‘Come in,’ I call.

  ‘Only me,’ Mum says as she pokes her head inside my room.

  ‘Who else would it be?’ I laugh.

  ‘Oh yeah,’ she grins.

  ‘Did you get much sleep?’

  ‘Some,’ she shrugs, her face looking radiantly joyous. ‘Breakfast?’

  ‘Definitely!’ I say, getting back out of my warm bed and following Mum as she heads downstairs.

  I make us a spectacular cooked breakfast of bacon, sausage, fried eggs, beans and tomatoes while ensuring Mum takes things easy and sits down with a pot of tea. Something she’s reluctant to agree to, but I physically force her away from the kitchen counter and into a chair so that she has no choice.

  Once breakfast has been eaten we both have showers and start getting ready in Mum’s room. Once it’s blow-dried, I set Mum’s hair in rollers. No, I’m not going to recreate the Little Bo Peep look she wore for her first wedding. She’s still going to have her signature bun, but we’re just going to soften it up slightly and add a little volume – that’s the plan anyway.

  I’ve just finished twirling in the last of the rollers when the doorbell rings.

  ‘Billy,’ I gush at Mum in the mirror, who’s looking equally as thrilled as I feel.

  I turn and quickly run down the stairs, taking them two at a time like an Olympic athlete, and whip open the front door.

  ‘Peter?’ I say, my body jolting to a stop rather than pouncing on the arrival as I’d planned, unable to hide the shock of him being on my doorstep. But there he is, in his Nike running gear, the sweat pouring off of him making it clear he’s already been out for quite a while.

  ‘Sorry,’ he mumbles, rubbing his forehead as though questioning why he’s found himself here, especially on Mum’s wedding day. A look I’m probably mirroring without even realizing.

  ‘Is everything all right?’ I ask, trying to prompt him into saying whatever he’s come to say while pulling my dressing gown around me a little tighter, suddenly cringing at the fact that my hair is half done (I’ve quickly dried it but nothing else – it’s definitely frizzy) and that I’ve not put any make-up on yet.

  I glance upstairs and pray Mum doesn’t come down and wonder what’s going on. Not that I have the foggiest idea anyway. I just know that I really don’t want him here right now.

  ‘I’ve just been out thinking about things,’ Peter tells me, unable to look me in the eye.

  ‘Right …’

  ‘Obviously I understand why you changed your mind about me being there today,’ he frowns at the ground. ‘After the other week …’

  ‘No, actually – that came directly from Rachel.’

  ‘But you must’ve told her to say that?’ he says, looking up at me.

  ‘Nope. I didn’t say anything,’ I say honestly.

  ‘So you do need me today?’ he asks, looking confused.

  ‘No,’ I say firmly, shaking my head.

  ‘Oh …’

  ‘Look Peter, we were seen. Well, I say “we” but really I mean just me,’ I whisper, feeling a hardness come over me, along with the urge to share this information even though I’ve kept it to myself for the last few weeks because I haven’t wanted to contact him. Suddenly I feel as though I want him to know the severity of his hapless little moment and that it could still come with serious consequences. Especially for me. ‘I was spotted in the park being kissed by a stranger …’

  Peter’s eyes widen at me. ‘Shit,’ he swears, looking completely taken aback and apologetic.

  ‘Yeah,’ I nod. ‘I just don’t need that kind of attention in my life.’

  ‘No, obviously. Like I said it was a complete mistake and I’d never do anything like that again,’ he says, his face becoming sterner, as though what I’ve said has given him more conviction to carry on and say whatever is on his mind.

  ‘Glad to hear it,’ I say, knowing he’s unlikely to get the chance to anyway. I wouldn’t be foolish enough to be alone with him again. It’s odd, last time we were together I felt so carefree and comfortable around him, but now I’m aware that both of us have erected barriers. That each of us is keeping our distance. It’s such a shame things have turned out this way, but having time away from him has made me see that however much he felt familiar and like a long-lost friend who had returned to my life, he wasn’t. He was still a stranger. A stranger who put me in an awkward position and overstepped the mark.

  ‘Actually, that’s why I’m here,’ Peter says, coughing slightly.

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘I would’ve told you when I saw you later on but seeing as that got changed … well, I’m moving back,’ he says, his eyes finding mine once more, perhaps looking for a reaction of some kind.

  ‘To Australia?’ I ask, the pitch of my voice raising slightly higher than normal. Even though I knew it was going to happen at some point I hadn’t expected it to happen so soon.

  ‘Yep. The opening of the London office has gone smoother than anyone expected, so I’ll be packing my bags and heading back to the waves pretty sharpish.’

  ‘Back to your surfboard?’

  ‘I can’t wait.’ He shrugs.

  ‘I bet,’ I say, feeling foolish that, when I first opened the door, part of me thought he was here to declare his undying love to me. ‘When do you go?’

  ‘Tuesday.’

  ‘That soon?’

  He shrugs in reply. ‘As good a time as any, right?’

  ‘I guess …’ I say sadly, as it dawns on me that he’s only come here to say goodbye.

  ‘You know me, I don’t like to stick around.’

  ‘You like to fly away.’

  ‘And be free as a bird,’ he winks, his voice sounding cheerier than his face looks as it continues to search mine.

  I’m still mulling over his sudden departure when I see a black car pull on to the driveway.

  My eyes widen and my heart freezes.

  Noticing that something’s up Peter swivels on the spot just as the back door of the taxi opens and Billy places a foot on the driveway.

  For a split second I notice the look on Peter’s face, one of pure guilt and shamefulness.

  ‘Billy,’ I exclaim, trying desperately to get a hold of myself as the taxi driver jumps out and starts unloading his luggage.

  There seems to be a slight pause before Billy steps out of the car and bounds straight over. Ignoring Peter, he puts his strong arms firmly around my waist and holds me tightly, kissing me hard on the mouth.

  ‘God, I’ve missed you,’ he says, loud enough for Peter to hear.

  ‘You too,’ I reply, glancing towards the other man on my doorstep. ‘Erm, this is Peter …’

  ‘Molly’s son?’ Billy asks, looking surprised as he looks between the pair of us.

  ‘That’s the one,’ Peter says, the previous expression on his face replaced with a forced smile as he extends a hand to shake. ‘Pleasure to meet you, mate.’

  ‘You too, bro. Wow, I see what you mean,’ Billy says, grabbing Peter’s hand with a firm grip while glancing back at me. ‘You are just like your Mum.’

  ‘So people keep saying,’ Peter mumbles.

  ‘Soph wasn’t lying,’ Billy laughs, grinning at me. ‘It’s u
ncanny.’

  It dawns on me that Billy is being tactical in his reaction to Peter being here. He’s not shown any signs of being put out, instead he’s made a huge display at being reunited with me (which I’m sure he would have done anyway) but also made a point of letting Peter know that he’s aware of him. Putting Billy in a slightly better position than if he’d been caught totally off guard by the sight of me in my dressing gown saying goodbye to a complete stranger.

  ‘Well, I’d better go,’ says Peter, offering his hand out again to Billy.

  ‘See you around?’

  ‘No, actually. Peter’s going back to Australia,’ I say, sharing the information I’ve just heard as though it’s lovely news for us all – which I guess it is, really. Peter moving eliminates all sorts of problems and possible complications.

  ‘Already?’ Billy frowns.

  Peter shrugs in response. ‘Work.’

  ‘Too bad,’ Billy replies, although I can’t tell whether he’s genuinely a little bummed out that Peter’s not going to be around (I had spent weeks declaring how great he was) or whether he’s just using his magnificent acting skills to make it seem that way.

  ‘OK. Well … have a great day, guys. Give my love to your Mum and Colin,’ Peter says, turning and walking back down the garden path before picking up pace and continuing on his morning run.

  ‘He seems nice,’ Billy says casually, before turning back to me and lifting me up, nuzzling his face in my neck and smothering it with kisses. Continuing with the reunion we should have been celebrating right from the moment he got out of the car. It’s been two months since I saw his handsome face in the flesh, melted into his safe arms and felt his soft lips on mine.

  Yet, although I’ve been yearning for his embrace for so long, it now feels tainted and messy thanks to my mind guiding me to think about the man in dodgy lycra running away from me and my life.

  The guy I’ll probably never see again.

  I know it’s for the best. I know it’s what I want.

  But I wasn’t prepared for the heavy feeling of guilt he’s carelessly left behind.

  He’s gone, I reason to myself. It’s over.

  And with that thought I let out a long, slow sigh of relief.

  I’m in the arms of the man I love and hopefully that’s where I’ll stay … if the future is kind.

  ‘There you are,’ my mum giggles as she comes down the stairs and sees Billy.

  ‘Mrs May,’ he grins, putting me down and hugging Mum instead.

  ‘Not for much longer,’ Mum says, biting her lip. ‘Gosh, I’m going to be Mrs Banks. That sounds very grown up.’

  It’s so strange to think me and Mum are no longer going to be sharing a surname, but I’d rather it be her that changed her name first than me getting married and leaving her on her own. There’s something about it that’s just that little bit easier to cope with, knowing I’m not leaving her with the burden of being the last one to ditch a name attaching us to another lifetime. But perhaps that’s me overthinking things. It could be that a small part of Mum is pleased to leave the name behind and feels the same as we both do about leaving our home and living somewhere new. After all, names have shadows, just like houses do.

  ‘Interesting hair choice,’ Billy says, gesturing up to Mum’s rollers and making her laugh.

  ‘I couldn’t resist coming down to say hello. Feels like you’ve been away far too long. And just look at you,’ she says, her hand reaching up and feeling his bicep (I swear I see her blush).

  ‘All those gym sessions have paid off,’ I praise, suddenly looking at his body properly for the first time since he’s arrived. There’s no denying he’s really put in a huge amount of effort to get rid of his so-called ‘Dad Bod’ and transform it into something more solid and sturdy. On top of that he’s also got a really healthy tan which makes his skin glow with radiance. Or maybe he looks so great because he’s spent the last few months doing what he loves and it’s literally caused him to light up from the inside out. He looks, quite simply, drop dead gorgeous and, despite the long flight, refreshed and fully energized. I’m sure Rachel’s going to be a bashful mess when she’s properly introduced to him later on.

  ‘Now ladies, stop,’ he says, holding up his arms. ‘You both know I’m not good with attention.’

  ‘You’re selling that line to the wrong crowd,’ I laugh, my arm gesturing between me and Mum who genuinely aren’t great with having the focus on us.

  ‘Feeling nervous?’ Billy asks Mum.

  ‘Not yet,’ she replies, really emphasizing the ‘yet’.

  ‘No need to be anyway,’ I wink.

  ‘Well, I’d better keep getting ready. I’d hate to be late,’ Mum says, feeling the rollers on her head. ‘Thank you so much for coming back.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have missed it for the world,’ Billy says softly.

  ‘That means more than you know,’ Mum says, clamping her hands on his cheeks and pulling his head down so that she can kiss his forehead, as though he’s a little boy.

  It’s a beautiful exchange.

  As she walks away and back upstairs, I see Billy’s nostrils flare as he bites on his lip. When he looks up at me I notice a shine to his eyes and know, without him having to say a word, how sorry he is for what he said on the phone last month. He loves my mum, loves my patchwork family … and that means everything to me.

  I take hold of his hand and kiss him on the mouth, feeling so happy to have him back in my life and here for such an important day. There’s no one I’d rather share it with.

  37

  The short journey to the church is a silent one. We sit in the back of the black Mercedes – an upgrade from the retro mini but not too flashy – holding hands and letting our thoughts take over. I know Mum probably has a million thoughts whirling through her brain so I don’t push a conversation. I understand that this moment isn’t about me, so it’s not for me to ambush it with my own ramblings, although I can’t help but wonder what she’s thinking about in her last few moments as Mrs Jane May.

  Pulling up outside the church, Mum waits for me to get out first, her eyes fixed out of the window and on to the building next to us. Once the driver has opened her door I carefully help Mum out and hand over her bouquet, a beautiful arrangement of the same flowers people will see in the shop later on (if they’ve not wilted overnight).

  Charlotte comes running over in her pale pink bridesmaid dress, the colour matching my own but the cut much puffier, younger and fun than my slinkier number that hugs my figure while still being floaty and free. Our flowers are similar to Mum’s but smaller, and in her free hand Charlotte is clutching hold of Minnie Mouse – obviously. She couldn’t be expected to miss the big occasion.

  Charlotte isn’t jumpy or chaotic, instead she’s giddily calm. By that I mean she’s wearing the biggest smile on her face as she greets us with cuddles, but manages to keep her body under control and not fidget and jump around afterwards. She may be young but it’s clear she understands the significance of the day, and that makes her look so much more grown up than she is.

  The three of us slowly walk up the concrete path towards the church. It’s only once we’re standing at the doors, waiting for our cue to enter, that I suddenly have an urge to say something to the utter vision of resplendence to my right.

  ‘I love you so much, Mum,’ I whisper, looping my arm through hers.

  ‘And I love you so much,’ Mum responds, squeezing my arm and giving me a loving smile.

  She looked incredible in the shop, but now she looks otherworldly. She’s poised, calmly composed and serene – the opposite to the shell of a human she was for a huge period of our lives.

  As we take our steps behind beautiful little Charlotte and start walking down the aisle towards Colin, I experience a powerful surge of honour at walking my Mum into Colin’s arms. It gives me the greatest delight to be by the side of this strong woman and seeing just how much she’s blossomed and been transformed by the love of a great
man. It’s with deep pleasure and satisfaction that I am about to give her away, and I have never and could never be prouder than I feel in this precise moment.

  As I slowly guide us both down the aisle in front of Mum and Colin’s closest friends and family, I notice they’re all visibly choked with emotion at the sight of Mum and the promises of love they’re about to witness.

  Colin’s face is a picture when he eventually turns around – something he leaves until we’re only a few feet away. His face pings into action as though it’s been physically whacked with emotion. His chin wobbles and his mouth opens as he audibly sucks in a lungful of air.

  Darling Aaron puts his arms around his dad and pats him on the back of his smart navy blue suit. He might only be a young boy, but the gesture of support is incredibly sweet and touching.

  When Charlotte gets to Colin he bends down to kiss her. However, she wraps her arms tightly around his neck and then pulls his face to hers, gently rubbing their noses together before she kisses him on the cheek and stands next to her brother, where the two of them hold hands.

  Colin takes a deep breath and, when he finds himself back on his feet, stands taller than before as he lovingly gazes at Mum. He glances at me with smiling eyes, but his attention is all on her. As it should be.

  I take Mum’s soft hand and place it into his, feeling tears run down my cheeks as I back away from the altar and go to my seat beside Billy, who is looking extremely smart in his tailored three-piece suit. He protectively puts an arm around my waist and pulls me into his warm body.

  I’m so thankful he’s here. Not just so that I don’t have to sit here on my own, but because I realize he understands me more than anyone else ever has before. And that’s important in any relationship. We all come with our quirks and idiosyncrasies – it’s inevitable. But the key to having anything long lasting is finding someone who doesn’t mind the twisted traits you possess. Or who sees them but loves you anyway …

  The service is beautiful. What stuns me most is the outpouring of love in the room, and not just between the bride and groom. Everyone here is radiating love from their core, and it creates such an intimate and special atmosphere inside the large, cold church.