Fear of Falling

In the midst of it all, I realized that my skirt had been hiked up to my hips, leaving my backside nearly bare in my thong. Blaine’s hands were dangerously close, kneading my outer thighs. Did I want to take it there? Could I actually see myself having sex with him in his truck, out in the middle of nowhere?

  As if hearing my internal battle, his lips and tongue still tasting me, Blaine’s hands trailed up my hips, bypassing the exposed flesh of my ass, and rested on my lower back. But, as much of a gentleman as he was trying to be, he was still all man. I could feel his craving, as it pulsed with virility beneath me. He was unbelievably hard and…large. Large enough to cause me to do mental calculations, both excited and scared about the prospect of feeling every inch of him.

  OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod.

  His agile fingers eased their way under my soaked top, his touch searing my skin. They massaged a path up to my bra clasp, stopping momentarily to see if I would object. When I didn’t, still too lost in sensation to do more than moan against his lips and push my already pebbled nipples against him, he unfastened the clasp in a swift, stealthy move. I gasped into his mouth, causing him to pull me even closer into him, pressing my swollen breasts into his chest.

  His hands slid to my front as his lips found my neck. I was already tugging at his wet, shaggy hair by the time I felt his thumbs on my nipples, rubbing them back and forth with perfect pressure. The erotic sound that tore from my chest was pure pleasure and surprise. Blaine, the man that had starred in every one of my fantasies, was fondling my breasts. I had imagined how his skin would feel against mine, had dreamt of fusing our panting bodies together, since the day I met him. And to be honest, I had never really had a fantasy before him. He was the embodiment of everything I had ever wanted.

  And I could have him. Right here. Right now.

  Not able to do much more than whimper as his fingers explored my chest, I shivered as Blaine kissed my collarbone, my chin, my trembling bottom lip, nibbling and licking like I was the most delicious thing he had ever tasted. He was ravenous, like he just couldn’t get enough, no matter how much of my skin he sampled.

  “God, I want you, Kami,” he murmured against the base of my throat. “I want you so bad.”

  That metal studded tongue slid up my neck to my earlobe, and I reflexively rotated my hips, feeling every inch of his arousal.

  “Fuck,” Blaine hissed, pinching my nipples so deliciously hard that I felt a tremor throughout my entire body. “Do you want me, baby? Tell me you want me. Tell me you feel this too.”

  An almost animalistic whine escaped me when he raised his hips into me, the friction of his jeans nearly undoing me through the thin lace of my thong. “Yes,” was all I could find the strength to say.

  “Yeah?” he rasped, finding my mouth again to suck my bottom lip. “Does that feel good to you?”

  “Yesss.” I felt the truck spinning.

  His tongue flicked out to taste mine. “Do you want me to make love to you, Kami?”

  Fuck.

  My eyes popped open, trained on his hooded smolder, as I pushed back into the steering wheel. I was no longer lost in him. I was no longer swimming in a sea of sensation. I had capsized and was hurled onto shore, completely dumbfounded and terrified.

  “No,” I said shaking my head, my face stoic.

  “What?”

  “I said no. I don’t want you to make… I don’t want you to do that to me.”

  Confusion painted his gorgeously flushed face. “But you said…”

  “I do want you, Blaine,” I quickly blurted out, not wanting to hurt his feelings or seem like a cock-tease. “I do. But I don’t make love.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  I grimaced, as I slid off his lap and sat beside him, suddenly freezing at the loss of his warm body against mine. Blaine must’ve felt the same chill because he switched on the heat.

  “I don’t make love, Blaine. I never have. In order to do that, you have to be capable of feeling a semblance of love. You have to be able to return it. I’m not. I can’t.”

  “Kami, I didn’t mean… Wait, what do you mean, you can’t?”

  I kept my glassy eyes trained on the darkness on the other side of the windshield. “I’m saying I’m unlovable.”

  His large hand was cupping my cheek and turning my head to face him just as the first tears welled in my eyes. I wanted to be able to love one day. I wanted to be able to feel pure bliss when someone uttered those three little words to me while gazing into my eyes. I wanted to surrender my broken heart to him so he could mend it, and make it new again.

  But I couldn’t. My past, my pains, had ripped that away from me. Fear had claimed me before love ever got the chance to.

  “Kami, I find it hard to believe that you’re unlovable. I know for a fact that isn’t true.”

  I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to absorb the tears before they had a chance to fall. “That’s because you don’t know me. And if you did, I guarantee you’d agree with me.”

  His hand dropped from my face as his brows knitted together. It was all coming together for him. He was slowly getting it. I was broken. And no one wanted to play with the broken toy.

  “It’s getting late,” I said turning my face away from him, so he couldn’t see my trembling lip. I slid on my side of the car and reached for my seatbelt. “I better get home.”

  “Yeah. You’re right.”

  I know I am, Blaine. No matter how bad I wish I could be wrong.

  I heard him open his door and jog out to the back of the truck to secure it. The rain had let up, but inside I was battling a tsunami. When Blaine returned, he cranked up the truck without another word. A stubborn tear slid down my cheek, which I quickly batted away. It was an angry tear. I hated myself more in that moment than I ever had. I would have given anything to be someone else, someone normal, for Blaine.

  We pulled up to The Madison without any more words exchanged. Blaine unbuckled his seatbelt, but I stopped him before he could open his car door.

  “Don’t get out,” I said, grasping his forearm, thinking it would still his movements. Instead, Blaine slid his arm up so his fingers could tangle with mine. He looked at me expectedly, flipping the barbell in his mouth – the same one that I had sucked into mine and longed to feel again.

  “Blaine,” I began, worrying my lip with my teeth. “What I said… it has nothing to do with you. And because I actually like you, I had to tell you before we ruined everything. Before it all turned to shit before it began.”

  “What are you talking about, Kami?”

  I took a deep breath, my eyes trained on our clasped hands. I wanted to pull mine away. I wanted to run and hide in my room for week to nurse the ache of regret. But then again, I wanted to touch him. Needed to touch him. I just didn’t understand why that need was so strong.

  “When I told you that I wasn’t the girl you were looking for, I wasn’t lying. I’m not. I’ll never be. I can never give you more than this right here. And you don’t want more. Trust me; it’s not worth the hassle.”

  I flicked my gaze up to his warm, brown eyes and bit back the sob at the confusion he still wore. Then came a flash of resignation, causing him to pull his hand from mine. But he wasn’t done with me yet. He unbuckled his seatbelt, leaned over to unclick mine, and pulled our bodies together.

  “You’re wrong,” he whispered, his lips mere inches from mine. One arm snaked around my waist, imprisoning my frame to his, as the other raked my still damp tresses. “You’re so wrong. And I’ll prove it to you. I’ll make you believe it one day.”

  “That’s impossible,” I replied, holding his gaze.

  “It’s not, Kami. Just no one has been man enough to stick around to show you. You scared them all away before they could. But I assure you, I’m not afraid. I’m not scared of whatever it is you think will send me running. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “For now. But eventually, you will,” I murmured, pushing away from him before he could see the tears in my eyes
. No one liked a chick that cried all the time.

  I grabbed my purse, careful to keep my head down, and opened the door to the truck.

  “Hey,” he called out, right before I jumped out. I kept my eyes fixed on the sidewalk below, afraid of completely losing it if I looked back at him.

  “I mean it, Kami. I’ll prove it to you. I’m not afraid of this, and you shouldn’t be either.”

  I didn’t respond. I simply nodded before swinging my legs out of the cab to hop down. Then I walked away from the only man I ever wanted. The man who had both owned me and set me free with just a kiss. The man who had broken me down and put me back together again with his touch.

  Blaine. The scary-beautiful man I was terrified of loving.

  This was bullshit.

  Complete bullshit.

  I was an ass for letting Kami walk away from me. I should have stopped her. I shouldn’t have let her go. But I couldn’t make her stay, no matter how bad she needed to. I couldn’t make her believe that I was different from all the other guys that had turned away from her. But I could show her. I could give her what they hadn’t.

  I just didn’t know what that was.

  I hadn’t been able to sleep since she jumped out of my truck Monday night. I couldn’t shake the image of those sad, green eyes from my head. I hadn’t stopped thinking about the feel of her petite body in my arms, her full lips moving against mine. The way she tasted, the way she mewled and squirmed on my lap when I flicked her nipples.

  Shit.

  I needed that again. I needed her again. But more. So. Much. More.

  I was the asshole that let her get away. I should’ve demanded she hear me out. I should have made her look me in the eye and tell me how she felt in return. Because though her mouth was telling me one thing, her body, her eyes, her lips…they told me an entirely different story.

  Kami wanted me. And it wasn’t just some superficial physical attraction. She felt how good we were together. She knew that whatever she was afraid of, whatever kept her running from me, could never win out over my feelings for her. Because, dammit, I fucking had feelings for her. And it was complete bullshit that I didn’t tell her, in fear that it would scare her even more.

  It was Wednesday, the first day I would see Kami after our date. Maybe she spent her day off thinking about me. Maybe she was just as tormented by her feelings as I was. And maybe, just maybe, she’d run right back to me, finally ready to let me in.

  If only I could be so lucky.

  I was talking to CJ when she walked in for her shift. Well, more like listening to sordid stories of his latest conquest: a 38-year-old divorcee with three kids, a sex drive that wouldn’t quit and a thing for bondage.

  “So this crazy-ass broad handcuffs me to the bed and leaves! Fucking leaves me butt-ass naked while she goes to pick up her fucking kids from school or some shit like that. And it wasn’t until one of those little brats walked in and caught me, my dick flapping in the wind, before someone set me free!”

  I shook my head. “Dude, that’s fucked up. Where do you meet these women?”

  “Milfs.com?” he shrugged. “It’s cool. She actually has a pretty hot daughter that lives at home. She’s 18, too…”

  “You didn’t.”

  “Shit! Why not? She was hot and legal! And her mom had left to go to some recital for one of her little crumb snatchers!” CJ exclaimed, downing his beer.

  “So you had sex with her daughter?” Again, I shook my head in disbelief. CJ could really be a douche.

  “Hey, it wasn’t like she was a virgin. Not the way she hopped up and down on my…”

  Before I could stop him from elaborating further, Kami walked in with Lidia, one of Dive’s servers. The girls were laughing about some private joke and didn’t even bother to look our way when they passed. Not even a wave or a smile. Not even a nod in my direction. Kami fucking ignored me like I wasn’t even there.

  “Dude, you totally just got the brush off. Damn!” CJ chortled, once they had disappeared into the back to clock in.

  “Shut up and drink your damn beer,” I replied, slapping one down in front of him with more force than necessary, causing it to slosh out of the bottle. I didn’t care if he was right; he didn’t need to point it out.

  When Kami walked behind the bar, her black apron causing her tee to ride up a bit around her hips, I could feel the shift in the atmosphere. The air was thick with unspoken words and unasked questions. I’d never been the type to not say what was on my mind. Not anymore at least. But with CJ sitting just feet away and the Hump Day crowd filtering in, I didn’t know when I’d get the opportunity.

  “Hey, Kam,” CJ shot out before I got the chance. I turned and pegged him with a murderous scowl. I knew exactly what he was doing, and if he wasn’t careful, he would be outside on his ass. CJ was family, but he knew me well enough to know when to shut the hell up.

  “Hey CJ,” Kami smiled. Then she turned her gaze to me, her mouth settling into a tight line. “Blaine.”

  “Kami,” was all I could muster without wrapping her in my arms and dragging her to the back, caveman style.

  She flew into helping customers and straightening everything in sight, obviously trying to busy herself to avoid talking to me. I didn’t get it. I thought we had left things sorta decent. But the way she barely looked at me had me second-guessing everything that went down between us two nights ago. Had I imagined it all? Had I only dreamt that she had been straddling me, fisting my hair, while I tried to slide my tongue over every bit of her neck and mouth?

  She had felt it. I know she had. The craving. The need. The sheer madness of desire that made me want to rip off her clothes and taste every inch of her. She wanted me that night just as bad as I wanted her. Yet, now, she acted as cold and distant as a stranger.

  Like I said. Bullshit.

  It was nearing the end of the dinner rush when Lidia made her way to the bar, propping herself on a stool and bubbling with excitement.

  “So guess what my boyfriend just told me?” she asked Kami. “His cousin from New York is coming into town on business and will arrive this weekend. He’s some hot-shot, young investment banker and, ohmygod, totally hot!”

  Kami poured the overly zealous waitress a soda and set it in front of her. “Okay?”

  “Well, I thought it’d be a good idea if we hung out tomorrow night. You know, the four of us?”

  “Kami works Friday night,” I interjected before good sense could stop me. Shit.

  Kami’s green eyes plunged into mine, a mix of surprise and embarrassment in her gaze. They held me where I stood, testing me, challenging me to say more.

  “Anyway,” Lidia scowled, before turning back to Kami. “They’ll be here to see A.D. play and then we’re hanging out after work. So what do you say? He is really cute, Kami. And rich!”

  Kami flashed a nervous smile before looking down and fiddling with the container of sliced limes. The image gave me a welcomed flashback of the night we met. Her tongue on my neck, slowly licking the salty trail. Her lips on mine, the barrier of lime the only thing stopping me from drinking her in… I got hard just thinking about it. Almost as hard as I was when she unknowingly sucked my bottom lip into her mouth.

  Crimson painted Kami’s cheeks as if she was recalling the same memory, and she quickly pushed the container away. “Geez, um, Lidia, that’s really sweet of you to ask, but–”

  “You’re not seeing anyone, right?” Lidia asked, cutting her off.

  Kami chewed her bottom lip nervously, as I looked on with rapt attention. “Um, no, I’m not…”

  Bullshit. Total. Fucking. Bullshit.

  “Good! What’s stopping you?”

  I waited for her answer, every second passing slower than the next. Her shaky fingers worked over a paper napkin, absentmindedly tearing and folding. She was panicky and reverting to her coping ritual. My hand flew out to hers, stilling her movements before I even knew what I was doing. Big, green eyes widened with surprise as she
looked up at me, yet didn’t pull her hand from my grasp.

  “Lidia,” I said, never tearing my gaze away from those emerald pools. “I think your customers need you.”

  Lidia huffed, murmuring her irritation under her breath, as she hopped off the stool. I didn’t care. She could’ve called me every name in the book, and I still wouldn’t have turned away from the contact I currently possessed.

  “Kami,” I breathed, stepping in closer. She angled her body towards me, her t-shirt clad nipples just barely brushing against my chest.

  “Where’d you go, roadrunner? I thought you were done running,” I whispered. I lifted a hand and slipped a tendril of hair behind her ear, my fingers lingering on her skin. I needed to touch her. In that moment, it had become as necessary to me as air.

  “I’m not,” she stammered, her voice unsure. “I mean, I am.”

  I smiled pensively at Kami, stepping in to close the distance between us. I wasn’t going to ask her why she hadn’t returned any of my messages. I wasn’t even going to question her distant behavior towards me. Questions would have sent her running again. I had her now, and I wasn’t ready to let go.

  But the Kami that I knew, the Kami that was warm and soft and as sweet as candy wasn’t in front of me. Whoever this beautiful stranger was knew nothing of dancing in a field as lightning bugs swirled around her bare legs. The sound of her laughter didn’t make heat spread deep in my chest like lava. I had never tasted her lips while warm summer rain slid down our bodies.

  No. This girl wasn’t my Kami.

  “Blaine,” she began, the wavering uncertainty gone from her voice. The sound was harsh and foreign, and something inside me sunk into my gut. “We had fun; I’ll admit. But that’s all it was. We’re coworkers. Let’s just leave it at that.”

  Then she pulled her hands from mine, turned, and never looked back to see my stunned expression.

  The next day brought a fresh blanket of bullshit when she came in for her shift with the same cold demeanor. But I was over it. She wanted to be left alone. She wanted to pretend like there wasn’t shit between us. Fine. I’d play along. If that was what she needed, I’d give her just that. I wasn’t going to keep chasing a chick that obviously didn’t want to be caught.