Fear of Falling

  “Yes, ma’am,” I nodded, turning just in time to conceal the sight of my swell that was aching to be released. Maybe I should’ve let her get an eyeful. It was, in fact, her fault.

  Moments later, I was cooling off in the refreshing lake water, letting the chillier temperature alleviate my stiff predicament. The majority of the female employees and A.D. were scantily clad in teeny tiny bikinis, splashing and flirting with the guys. CJ had Mindy/Misty wrapped around his waist while she kissed his neck. Even Dom and Angel were chatting up with some cute chicks. I was happy for all of them, but I couldn’t help but feel a bit lonely. Yeah, Kami sat only yards away, but I wanted her wrapped around my waist. I wanted to hear her squeal when I splashed water at her. I wanted to flirt and kiss her while my hands roamed the exposed skin that her itty-bitty yellow bikini couldn’t cover. Shit, maybe even dip inside that bikini under the water.

  “Hey, B, watch this,” CJ murmured suddenly beside me, sans date. He trudged out of the water, casually making his way over to the beer cooler. But instead of grabbing a brew, he changed course and crept up behind Kami who was still engrossed in her eBook. Aw, hell. I knew what he was up to and that Kami would be pissed. I should have warned him, but I secretly wanted to see her reaction. If she hauled off and punched CJ in the face, it would serve him right.

  Before she even knew what was happening, he snatched the Kindle out of her hand and flung it on a towel. In the next instant, her slight body was slung over his shoulder, and he was running towards the water, laughing like a madman.

  “No, CJ! No, please!” she shouted. But the roar of his laughter obscured the seriousness in her voice. Even I was chuckling at the sight of Kami’s tight little ass in the air.

  Instead of letting her down next to me, CJ tossed her into the chest-high water a few yards away, sending her crashing in with a splash.

  “No!” came Angel’s shrill scream the next moment. She and Dominic were frantically wading towards the scene, both donning furious expressions.

  I looked to Kami. She still hadn’t surfaced from the water. Shit. Was she just joking around? Or maybe she couldn’t swim?

  “Kami! Babe, just stand up. It’s shallow,” I called out, wading towards her. Still nothing.

  “Do you know what the fuck you’ve done?” Dom hollered, shoving CJ as he reached Kami just as she finally floated to the surface.

  Face down and unmoving.

  Alarm bells wailed in my ears, as I struggled to get to her unresponsive body. Fuck! Had she hit her head on a rock at the bottom of the lake? Had she choked? What the fuck was going on?

  Dom scooped her up into his arms, her limbs flailing limply like a ragdoll. I reached out to take her from him, my protective instincts kicking in. Dom angrily shoved me with his shoulder. “Get away from her!” he barked, his hostile glare bringing me up short. What the hell?

  The rest of our group was making their way to shore as Dom laid Kami’s limp body on a beach chair. She was pale and eerily still, and her body looked frail and tiny. The back of my eyes prickled with fear and I took a step back, frozen in panic. This wasn’t happening. Not again. I couldn’t do this shit again.

  Angel wrapped a towel around her wet body while Dom checked her vitals. He opened her mouth with the tips of his fingers and pressed his lips to hers. I understood what he was doing, I knew he was trying to save her life, but I couldn’t help the sudden flash of jealousy that flooded my chest. I pushed my way through the onlookers to her still motionless body.

  “There’s no way she could’ve drowned; she was only under for a few seconds,” I said, kneeling in front of her. But I couldn’t touch her. I was…scared. I was scared that history was repeating itself.

  Dom worked to bring her to consciousness, talking to her, shaking her, opening her eyes for any sign of coherency. “Don’t you think I know that?”

  “We need to call 911,” one of the waitresses said.

  “No!” Angel shot back. “Nobody call. She’ll wake up in just a second. Just get back! Give her some damn room!”

  I helped her push back the crowd before turning to a shame-faced CJ, his frightened eyes rimmed with tears.

  “Dude, I had no idea. I was just being a dick. Oh my God, did I kill her?”

  “No!” Dom answered without looking up, still shaking Kami’s lifeless body. “But you could have, asshole. Don’t ever touch her again. Do you hear me?”

  CJ grimaced as if physically pained, then let his head drop. He really was mortified, but I couldn’t comfort my cousin. I couldn’t do more than worry about the woman lying still before me. The woman that I was losing before I could even possess her.

  In a gut-wrenching gasp for oxygen, Kami awoke, her delicate hands grasping the air like she was fighting for her life.

  “I’m here, Kam. I’m here,” Dom said soothingly, tentatively pulling her into his chest. She continued to fight until she realized who he was. Then, she broke into a heart-stopping sob, clutching his back like she would die if he let go. Dom squeezed tighter and began to rock her, tucking her head under his chin to shield her from onlookers. Angel covered her with more towels before embracing her from behind, wrapping her arms around both Kami and Dom. And I just sat there. Stunned. Silent. And stumped. Had I missed something?

  Kami continued to wail, her body shaking so badly that the tremors vibrated the beach chair.

  “Shhhh, it’s ok, Kam. You’re safe. It’s over. You’re safe now. I’ve got you,” Dom chanted over and over in her ear.

  The trio sat there for long moments, as I observed like some sick spectator. I wasn’t wanted here. I wasn’t what she needed. But I couldn’t turn away from her.

  “Come on, let’s get her to the car,” Angel muttered, once Kami’s cries had decreased to painful whimpers. The two pulled away but kept Kami’s face and body obscured by towels.

  “Kam?” I said reaching out to grasp her trembling hand. Dom smacked it away before I could make contact. What the fuck? I jumped to my feet, fists tight at my sides. “What the fuck is your problem, man?”

  Dom stood, taking the same offensive stance. “My problem is you and your cousin fucking around with someone you don’t even know. You have no idea what you’ve done. No fucking clue what damaged you’ve caused with your little joke. Well, consider playtime over. You’re not playing with her anymore.”

  “Who the fuck said I was playing with her?” I snapped through clenched teeth. “And who are you to tell me what I’m going to do with her?”

  Angel stepped between us, lightly pushing against both our chests. “Guys, cut it out. This isn’t the time.”

  “You’re done with her,” Dom replied, moving Angel aside. “Do you hear me? Done. Leave her alone.”

  “Fuck that! I’m not done until she says we are.” I looked to Kami again. Her head was down, yet angled towards us. I advanced towards her again before Dom blocked my way with his arm. I shoved him back, bringing up my fists in preparation. Dom did the same.

  “Stop!” Kami’s small, shaky voice called out below us, drawing both our attention. I kneeled before her, my anger towards Dom temporarily forgotten.

  “Baby, are you ok?” I asked, grasping her hands gently.

  Her slightly blue lips trembled as her bloodshot eyes searched my face. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but sighed in resignation as she looked away.

  “For now,” she whispered.

  No. Hell no. I wasn’t going to let her lie to me. Not this time. I needed to make this better for her. For both of us.

  “Kami, talk to me,” I urged. “Let me know what I need to do.”

  She shook her head and brought her gaze back to me, her eyes rimmed with fresh tears. And with pain etched in every inch of her beautiful face, her body quaking uncontrollably, she cracked a sad smile. “There’s nothing you can do. Just let me go.”

  “No,” I all but growled. “You don’t mean that. Talk to me.”

  “Blaine, she said…”

  I gave
Dom a murderous scowl before he could even get the words out. This was between Kami and I, and I’d be damned if I let her friends scare me away.

  Her quivering hand gave mine a small squeeze, and I turned back to her, my expression softening at the sight of her solemn face. “I wish I could.”

  “Then do it. You trust me, right?”

  Kami’s big green eyes fell to our clasped hands, and she nodded faintly. “Just…give me time. I’ll call you, ok?”

  I didn’t argue. Kami was giving me a chance, even if it was a half-hearted one, and I’d be a fool not to take it.

  Slowly, I leaned forward and pressed my lips to her forehead. I knew it very well could have been the last time I ever felt her skin against mine, and that thought ripped me to shreds. But, I would do as she asked; I would give her time. I would have done just about anything for her at that moment.

  As I watched Angel and Dom usher her away, all the little pieces of my reformed life, the parts that had finally fallen into place, were left scattered in disarray.

  Kami said she couldn’t be saved, but I still needed to save her. She said she was broken, and I desperately wanted to fix her. She claimed she was unlovable, but…shit…

  I needed to love her.

  I once was a believer in wishful thinking. I thought if I told myself that I was ok enough times that I could actually start to believe it. That somehow, I would eventually morph into the perfect picture of normalcy. That I could be somewhat happy.

  I was wrong.

  I wasn’t ok.

  Not even a little bit.

  This…sickness. This affliction… it ensured that I’d never be normal. That I’d never find contentment. That I would live out my days alone and unloved. And I honestly thought I was fine with that realization. I was resigned. No one deserved to have to deal with my shit. I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy. Especially since my worst enemy was me.

  I lay curled up in a ball on my bed, humiliated and mortified beyond belief, staring at the glass jar of tiny paper stars.

  253.

  I know I should have added one. I know I should have brought that number to an even 254, but I wasn’t afraid. It wasn’t fear that consumed me. It was rage.

  Why couldn’t I have just fought through it? Why did I have to freak the fuck out like I always did? Why couldn’t I be normal for one damn day?

  Angry tears leaked from my tired eyes, trailing saltwater over my nose and onto the comforter. I brushed them away furiously. I was so sick and tired of crying. Of feeling sorry for myself.

  Fuck me. That’s right—fuck me! Fuck my stupid, hurt feelings. Fuck my inability to get over my past. Fuck my fear and all the things it crippled me from doing. Fuck it all!

  I punched the pillow in frustration, wishing I could be brave enough to take my anger out on the person who deserved it. It was all his fault. All his doing. If he hadn’t been such a disgusting, sadistic piece of shit, I wouldn’t be like this. I could lead a normal life. I could find happiness. I could find love.

  That was a lie. I had found happiness. Hell, maybe I had even found love. I just couldn’t accept it. I couldn’t let myself believe it. I couldn’t feel it. Bad things happened when I let myself feel. There was ugliness in love, at least for me there was. It wasn’t the same for regular people as it was for me, Dom and Angel. We were exempt from the romantic type of affection that movies and books boasted about. Life had ruined us for that type of ardor. Now we could only love each other. It was better that way. There was no pain or deceit in it. There were no expectations or regrets. It was safe. It was selfless. It was all we had.

  No, that wasn’t true either.

  “Kam? You awake?” Angel whispered from my doorway. I ground my teeth. I wished I could close and lock that damn door.

  “No.”

  As if my answer was an invitation, Angel entered and climbed onto my bed, spooning me from behind.

  “You ok, love?”

  “No.”

  “But you will be, sweetie. You will be,” she replied, squeezing me tight. I wanted to pull away from her embrace, but I knew it was more for her comfort than mine. I had scared her today. Dom had witnessed more of my meltdowns than he could count, but Angel was still new to them. Sure, she’d learned the hard way when it came to enclosed spaces and darkness, but she had never experienced my reaction to water. We had warned her about it so she was somewhat prepared. She and Dom had made it their mission to make sure I was comfortable all day, but I couldn’t do that to them. I couldn’t allow them to babysit me in the hot sun while everyone else enjoyed themselves in the water. Why should they have to suffer for my idiosyncrasies?

  Maybe Dr. Cole was right about my fears. Maybe they were irrational.

  I hated that know-it-all bitch.

  “Don’t blame yourself,” Angel said suddenly, disrupting my diabolical plan to key the good doctor’s car. Or egg her office. Or just suck it up and admit that she was right all along.

  “I’m not.” I was.

  She held me for a few more silent minutes before the elephant in the room plopped its big, ugly ass on my avoidance.

  “Blaine call you yet?”

  A lump attacked my throat, taunting the sob I had been swallowing for the last six hours. “I don’t know. I don’t know where my phone is.” I knew where it was. It was with my Kindle and the rest of my things, abandoned at the lake in my haste to escape. But even if I did have it, I doubted he’d call. Who would call after witnessing a scene like that? Who the hell would want to deal with a total basket-case?

  “I think you may have left it,” Angel remarked, reading my thoughts. “I’ll go call one of the girls to see if they grabbed it.” She slid off the bed and made her way to the door, turning to shoot me a sympathetic smile before disappearing down the hall. In that moment, I wanted to slap her. I was so tired of people looking at me like that.

  Some time during my wallowing, I had drifted off to sleep, only to be awoken by noises outside my cracked door. Shuffling. Voices. Male.

  Blaine.

  I heard my bedroom door open wider but decided to feign sleep, too chickenshit to face him.

  “Naw, man, she’s still asleep,” Dom whispered.

  “Ok. I’ll just leave her stuff,” Blaine replied in an equally hushed tone. I heard him pad across the room and set down my things on the dresser as quietly as he could. Then his footprints grew louder as he made his way towards me. I tried not to flutter my eyelids and kept my breathing heavy and deep. Oh shit, I must look horrible. After showering, I had thrown on a pair of old cotton shorts and an oversized t-shirt, not even bothering to brush out my ratty hair. Great. I was just a hot mess all around.

  His scent hit me first, causing my mouth to reflexively salivate. It had grown familiar to me. Comfortable. Safe. It made me feel…home. Something I had never had before. Something I had always craved.

  When he drew close enough to me that I could feel his warm breath, I thought I might break. I still wanted him. Dammit, this wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to feel like this. Not this strong.

  Warm, soft lips accompanied with a bit of stubble brushed across my forehead ever so lightly. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from melting into the touch. I wanted to pull him down onto the bed with me and nuzzle into his arms. I wanted him to squeeze me tight and tell me he’d never leave me, no matter what. That no matter how fucked up I was, he wouldn’t abandon me. Then I wanted him to make sweet love to me for hours and hours until I was too exhausted to do more than smile…

  No. I didn’t want that. What was I thinking?

  As I was losing my internal argument, Blaine retreated from the intimacy of my bedroom, closing the door behind him.

  No! I can’t…breathe…God…no

  Before panic seized every muscle and joint, the door quickly clicked back open. I breathed an audible sigh of relief, clutching my chest to ease the jolt of my heart rate.

  “Hey man,” Dom began on the other side of m
y bedroom door. “Sorry about earlier. I panicked. Emotions were high, and I jumped to conclusions. We good?”

  A pregnant pause before what sounded like a hand clap. “Yeah man. We’re good.”

  “Thanks for bringing her stuff back. Appreciate it.”

  “No problem,” Blaine answered. “I would have come sooner, but I wanted to give her space since she said she’d call…”

  “Yeah, um. I wanted to talk to you about that.”

  Oh no, Dom. Don’t. Please don’t.

  He took a deep breath. “I don’t know how much Kam has told you about her past…”

  “She hasn’t told me anything,” Blaine interjected.

  “Ok. Well…I think there are things that you need to hear from her, if she wants you to know. Outside of Angel and me, plus…professionals, she hasn’t told anyone. But you…you’re different. Well, she’s different with you, I should say. I’ve never seen Kami with anyone. Like really with them wholeheartedly. Not like she is with you.”

  “Sometimes I can’t tell if she really is.” I could hear the pain in Blaine’s voice. Was he hurting in all this? Did he even care enough to be hurt?

  “She is, dude. She’s with you. You have… her. No one gets her—not the real Kami. But with you, she’s natural. She’s carefree. She laughs because something’s funny, not because it’s expected. She smiles because she’s happy, not because she’s trying to hide her pain. She can be herself. That’s pretty major for her.”

  Silence passed, and my strained ears were aching to hear a response from Blaine.

  “What happened to her?” he finally whispered.

  “Not my story to tell,” Dom answered. “But I will tell you this: that girl is the strongest person I know. It may not seem like it, but if you knew the heavy burden she carries every single damn day and still manages to crack a smile, you’d understand.”

  “Well…help me understand. Help me be what she needs me to be,” Blaine urged.

  “I can’t. Only she can show you that part of her. But something tells me the pieces are finally coming together. You’ve seen what happens to her, right?”