Fear of Falling

  Love wasn’t for me. Fear eclipsed that possibility a long time ago.

  “Kam, say something.” Blaine’s hand was over mine, slipping the knife from my trembling grasp.

  I forced myself to meet his gaze. “Like what?” I croaked, my throat suddenly parched.

  “I don’t know. Anything. I can see you’re freaking out, and I need to know you’re ok. That you’re still here with me.”

  “I’m ok,” I whispered through the sand in my mouth.

  Blaine pulled me closer to him. “No, you’re not. Talk to me.”

  I looked away. I couldn’t look at his gorgeous face and mar it with the ugliness of truth. Because I wasn’t ok. I never would be, no matter how wonderful Blaine was. All the love in the world couldn’t undo the damage left behind by my past.

  You could cover shit with roses; you could hide all the vileness and make it seem beautiful and good. But no matter how badly you wanted to mask it, underneath it all, it was still shit. Putrid, disgusting shit.

  “Blaine…” I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. What do you say to the man you know you have to destroy?

  A finger slid under my chin and gently guided my face to his. “Kam, I just told you that I think I love you, and it scares you, doesn’t it?”

  “No,” I lied. I wasn’t even sure if any sound came out.

  “Well…I’m sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  Huh?

  Reflexively, I frowned, though I should have been relieved. Blaine said he was wrong. He really didn’t feel that way. That fact should have erased my unease, but all I felt was a hollow, endless ache in my chest.

  “I was wrong, Kami,” he continued, taking in my expression. “I don’t think I love you.”

  The empty ache spread into the pit of my stomach, twisting like the knife in my crumbling heart.

  Blaine pulled me into his lap, and though his words were ripping me to shreds, I let him. I was too weak from the assault to stop him.

  “I don’t think it; I know it,” he murmured into my hair, his warm breath fanning down my neck. “I love you, Kami.”

  Again, I waited for the relief that I was sure to come. Blaine loved me. Loved. Me. But the knife kept twisting. The pain kept spreading. Sorrow blanketed the joy that I should have felt when he uttered those words. I was so unbelievably conflicted about my feelings, and I didn’t know why.

  Yes I did. I knew exactly why.

  Fear #2.

  Falling in love.

  The only thing that terrified me more than falling in love, and the very reason I was so afraid of that magnitude of affection?

  Fear #1.

  My father.

  “No,” I said in a hoarse whisper. It was my voice, but it sounded strangled. As if it hurt just to say the word. “No.”

  “No?”

  Against my better judgment, I turned around to face him. Maybe I was a sadist. Maybe I needed to see the pain that I would undoubtedly cause.

  “You can’t love me, Blaine.”

  “Why not?” he frowned.

  “Because I told you; I’m unlovable. I don’t do love. I’m incapable of accepting or returning it.”

  He shook his head. “You don’t mean that.”

  “And why’s that?”

  He grasped my shoulders, pegging me with his unforgiving glare. “Because I know you love me.”

  I jumped out of his lap and was across the dining room before he could blink.

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I sneered.

  Blaine climbed to his feet and crossed the room to face me in four wide strides. “Yeah, I do. We both know it. You love me, Kami. And dammit, I love you too. More than anything.”

  Angry tears pricked the back of my eyelids. “No.”

  “Yes. And it’s ok. You know I could never hurt you. You don’t have to be afraid.”

  Blaine went to grab my hands but I quickly pulled them out of reach. “That’s ridiculous. I hardly know you. And with what you do know about me…how could you feel that way?”

  “You know me, Kami, better than anyone else. And yeah, I get that you’re dealing with a lot of shit. And honestly, that makes me love you even more. It makes me want to take away all the pain and ugliness so you never have to feel that way again.”

  I pursed my lips and placed a hand on my hip. “So that’s it; you pity me. Well, newsflash, Blaine: You can’t fix me. You can’t save me. So just stop trying.”

  “I don’t pity you, Kam,” he replied shaking his head, taking a step towards me.

  “Then…why?”

  “Why?”

  He took another step forward, causing me to back into the wall. Rational thought abandoned me, as I went into defense-mode like a wounded, frightened animal, cornered by its predator. A predator that was fashioned to be beautiful and alluring, deeming its prey susceptible to its charms.

  “Why even deal with all my bullshit?” I said, squaring my shoulders, preparing for the emotional battle. “What is it, Blaine? Does it make you feel good about yourself? Does it validate your manliness to save the broken girl? Or do you just get off on going after the damaged ones?”

  I sucked in my bottom lip before I went for his jugular. I wanted to stop myself. I wanted to fall into his arms and tell him I loved him too, and let him kiss away the hurt. But, we fear what we don’t understand, and I didn’t understand the feelings I had for Blaine. I couldn’t fully grasp that depth of devotion and trust. I had never had it before and experiencing it now…scared the living shit out of me.

  “Does it make you feel less guilty about not saving your mother?”

  Blaine glared at me through the narrow slits of his eyes, and his jaw ticked with irritation. Good. He should be mad. He should be utterly disgusted with me. Hate me even. At that moment, I surely did. Maybe he’d even loathe me enough to get out now. To leave and never look back.

  No. Please, don’t go. Don’t leave me.

  “I know what you’re doing,” Blaine gritted, interrupting my contradicting inner monologue. “I know you’re just trying to say anything to push me away. Well, it’s not going to work, Kam.”

  “You don’t know anything,” I snarled, though my heart totally agreed with him.

  “Oh, I think I do, Kam. I know you’re afraid of this. I know you think that you’re too messed up for someone to love you. You think that I’ll hurt you. That I’ll end up being just like your dad. I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong on all accounts. You’re wrong and I plan to spend every day proving that to you.”

  I pushed against his chest but it was hard as stone and just as immovable. “You don’t know anything! I don’t think any of those things.”

  Blaine raised a brow, a smug half-smile on his lips. “Really?” He looked down at my hands still on his chest. I hadn’t even realized I was still touching him and I quickly pulled them back and balled them at my sides.

  “Kam, why are you so afraid of love? Do you really think I would do something to hurt you? I’m not him. You have to know that by now. I’m. Not. Him.”

  My mouth went dry, making it impossible to form a response as I looked up into his intense brown eyes. Eyes that shone with warmth and understanding. Eyes that exuded patience and gentleness. And love. Eyes that made me believe that, without a shadow of a doubt, the scary-beautiful man in front of me loved me.

  I tried to blink the image away. Gazing into those chocolate depths only made it hurt more. It only made the jagged pill of the inevitable that much harder to swallow.

  Blaine cupped my cheeks, forcing my eyes back to his face. He wouldn’t let me hide. He wouldn’t let me find solace in denial and avoidance. He made me face my fear head on, and I wanted to hate him for that.

  “I love you, Kami. And I’m going to keep saying that until it stops being scary. Until you accept it. Until you believe me when I tell you that I will never, ever hurt you. I. Love. You.”

  His thumb brushed along my bottom lip as he searched
my face, his brows furrowed and eyes glassy. “The only one that should be afraid is me,” he whispered. There was pain there. Pain and fear and vulnerability. The same things I felt at that very moment.

  I didn’t know what was stronger—the guilt of knowing that I was hurting him, or the fear that made me continue the charade. But, I knew one thing for certain: Blaine was too good for me. He deserved so much more than what I could give him. There was no way he could be happy with my pseudo heart. Eventually, he would see that for himself. He would need more. I just had to make him realize that before it was too late.

  “Don’t. Please. Please don’t love me.”

  He frowned. “Why not?”

  “Because…”

  “Because what?”

  “Just…because.”

  Blaine let out an exasperated breath and shook his head.

  That’s right. Get frustrated. Get upset. Tell me I’m stupid and petty. Tell me that I don’t deserve your love. That I’m a lost cause. That I’m unlovable, just like I knew all along.

  “You’re gonna have to do better than that, Kam.”

  Desperation turned to irrational rage, and I shrugged out of his touch, pushing him away. “Because! Because I don’t fucking want it! Because I don’t need it. So just stop, ok?”

  I turned on my heel and tried to escape to the refuge of my bedroom. I needed to get away, but of course, Blaine was right behind me, utterly perfect with the patience of freakin’ Job. I wanted to scream until my lungs collapsed.

  “You don’t mean that,” he retorted shaking his head. “Everybody needs love, including you. Especially you. And I know you want it. You’re just too afraid to admit it.”

  My balled fists shook at my sides as fury misted my eyes. “I’m not afraid of love, Blaine. I loathe it. Love is cruel and unforgiving. It beats you. Tortures you. Smashes your face into a mirror and tells you that you’re disgusting and ugly. That no one else will want you. Love whips you with a belt until giant, red welts are left on every inch of your body, leaving you too sore to even sit for days.”

  Hot tears streamed down my face, leaving me blind to Blaine’s reaction. It was too late to stop them. He had opened the floodgates.

  He wanted the truth. He wanted a reason for all my crazy. Well, now he was getting it.

  “Love rapes your mother right in front of you while she weeps, telling you that Mommy’s ok,” I hoarsely whispered, my throat strangled with years of emotion. “It touches you in ways and in places that it should never, ever touch you, trying to murder the last bits of your innocence. It kills you, cripples you. It leaves you damaged beyond repair.”

  I stood before him, naked and bleeding, my impaired soul exposed for him to witness every ugly scar. “That’s love, Blaine. Why the fuck would I want that? Why would anyone want that?”

  Blaine stepped towards me, his arms outstretched, ready to fix the broken girl. But I didn’t want his sympathy. I didn’t need him to save me. I wanted him to save himself.

  “Kam, baby…” he rasped, his horror-stricken eyes glazed with tears. “Baby, I’m so sorry. Please, let me…”

  “No,” I deadpanned, moving out of his reach. “No, don’t try to make this better. You can’t make it better. And I don’t want you to.”

  “Just let me…”

  “Seriously! Stop it, Blaine! I don’t want your charity! I’m not your little pet project! Stop trying to push me into being what you want me to be! I am not your mother!”

  Blaine stopped his advance and looked at me with confusion and pain marring his face. He was just as open and injured as I was, plagued by my horrid account. I had him right where I needed him. And, as excruciating as it was, I said goodbye to the man I loved more than I hated myself before slipping on my cold, unfeeling mask and I went in for the kill.

  “I am not what you want, and I don’t want to be. I don’t love you, Blaine, and I never will. So let’s stop wasting our time and face the inevitable,” I spat as I gestured between us. “This is over. Done. There was never a future for us. Never a happily-ever-after. And the more we keep pretending there is one, the more I despise the thought of it. Goodbye, Blaine. It was fun while it lasted. But let’s not keep forcing something that’s not meant to be.”

  Blaine’s expression was completely solemn as he looked back at me, waiting for the punch line to a cruel, tactless joke. But he knew just as well as I did that it would never come. He knew that what we had had crumbled into a heap on the floor leaving nothing but a mess of ashes. In a matter of minutes, I had managed to taint countless tender kisses, heated caresses, and longing stares. Things that we both held onto like lifesavers in the tumultuous storms of our pasts. Things that gave us hope for a future without pain and guilt and fear.

  All of it. Gone.

  I had successfully pushed away the only man I ever gave a damn about because I was too afraid to love him. But not only that, I was too afraid of what his love would do to me. I knew how shitty life could be. I knew, sooner or later, his love would hurt me. And being that I was now so vulnerable to him, my heart exposed and on display for him to see and crush in the palm of his ink-adorned hand, there would be no coming back from that. I would have no chance of survival.

  Without a word, Blaine turned and walked out of my room while I stood there, steeped in my own hatred and affliction, numb and completely still. I didn’t move after I heard the front door close. I didn’t even blink as reality began to set in. I couldn’t. I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t let myself believe it, even though it was what I caused.

  Blaine was gone. And he was never coming back.

  The mind is a tricky thing.

  You can tell it to ignore the signs. To play dumb and let shit happen, even though you know it will only screw you in the end. To continue on like a damn fool, setting yourself up for failure.

  Ignorance is bliss.

  And the mind is a bliss-seeking, stupid motherfucker.

  I knew all along that it was coming. I knew Kami would selfishly hang on to her insecurities like a shield in an attempt to protect herself. And in the process, she would hurt anyone that attempted to penetrate the armor.

  She was smart. That was what I should’ve done. But instead, I was a sucker. The sucker that fell in love with the girl who was terrified of the mere mention of the word. The fool who sacrificed his heart time and time again, thinking someone would actually see that he was so much more than the rough exterior.

  Love was a bitch. And she was squeezing me by the nuts.

  I didn’t realize I was at Dive until the smells of beer and fried food assaulted my nostrils, making me even more aware of my afflicted state of mind. I bypassed the questioning looks and whispers, grabbing a beer from the cooler and slid onto a barstool without so much as a cordial greeting. I didn’t care. I was done caring. Caring got you nowhere. And that’s exactly where I was. Nowhere.

  Uncle Mick spotted me and furrowed his brow, not expecting to see me in on my day off, especially alone. I pretended not to notice him but I knew he was already making his way towards me.

  “Didn’t expect to see you here tonight, son,” he said gruffly, clapping me on the back. “Everything ok?”

  I took a swig of my beer, not even bothering to face him to answer. “Fine.”

  Maybe it was the flat, dead tone of my voice that served as an invitation, because the next thing I knew, he was climbing onto the stool next to me. I kept right on staring at nothing. Thinking of nothing. Feeling like nothing.

  Minutes ticked by without either one of us saying a word. I was used to it. Silence I could deal with. It blanketed the words I didn’t want to say. It numbed the ache that seemed to radiate from my chest like a gaping bullet wound.

  “You always did feel more than anybody else,” he said out of the blue, his voice rough and permanently hoarse from decades of smoking. “Couldn’t help taking on everyone’s pain like it was your own. Would even bring home old, banged up strays when you were just a youngster. Your ma
ma used to say you were empathetic. Said you had a heart bigger than your brain.”

  I continued to sip my beer, trying to block out my uncle’s mindless ramblings. What was his point? Did it look like I was in the mood to take a walk down memory lane?

  I knew coming here was a bad idea. There was no way I could sit undisturbed to wallow in my misery, but I only had two other options: Ms. Patty’s or my place. Ms. Patty’s was out of the question. She would no doubt expect me to spill my guts and wouldn’t take no for an answer.

  Going to my place first had been a huge mistake. It just didn’t feel like home anymore. Not without Kami there. She had ruined it for me. Every surface and corner was laced with a memory of her. Her warmth and light had given those bricks and wood life. Being without her, knowing that those four walls would never exude peace and happiness again, seriously had me thinking about moving.

  Uncle Mick cleared his throat and scrubbed a hand over his face. “You’re a lot like she was. We used to fight like cats and dogs when we were kids. Hell, she was a scrappy little thing,” he laughed, his voice echoing with nostalgia. “But she had a heart of gold. Like you. She couldn’t help it and neither can you. Sometimes, loving people can be just as much of a gift as it is a curse. Because some people…you can’t help but love. Even when you know it will hurt you in the end.”

  I couldn’t tell if he was talking about my mother, or me, or even himself. But I knew that every word was true. Some people you couldn’t help but love. You loved them without reservation or fear. You loved them hard and fierce, because they deserved it. They deserved to be loved just as much as you deserved for them to return it.

  But life – love—didn’t work like that. It was rarely rational or just. It destroyed relationships and brought even the strongest people to their knees in agony.

  It was exactly what Kami believed it to be.

  “Is there a point to all this?” I snapped, suddenly annoyed by his presence. I still refused to look at him. Seeing him, a face that housed features similar to my mother’s, similar to mine, would only bring my tormented emotions to the surface. It would make me feel. I couldn’t have that. Not now. Not anymore.