Fear of Falling

  I would have sworn that a family of flies could have camped out in Dom’s mouth that hung ajar for a good 30 seconds after my confession.

  “You met a guy? And you’re afraid of him?”

  “No,” I said shaking my head. “I’m afraid because, whenever he’s around, I’m not scared anymore. I feel…safe. Like being near him is the most natural thing in the world.”

  Dominic shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. I couldn’t blame him. I couldn’t believe I was actually saying the words aloud.

  “And I assume you won’t be sharing the name of this mystery man that is so damn scary, yet somehow so damn appealing? I’ll even up the ante with champagne,” he winked.

  I grinned at my little secret and shook my head. I wasn’t ready to say. Not because I was afraid to tell him in fear of judgment. And not because I thought he’d disapprove. But if what Dom said was true about revealing my fears—if saying it out loud somehow made this feeling less real, then I don’t think I could ever be ready.

  For the first time in twenty-three years, I felt something. Something other than trepidation when a man touched me. Something more than the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I had to shatter another heart because I couldn’t let anyone in. Something so much more than the emptiness that filled my chest when I thought about the normal, happy life that I would never have.

  Blaine was my more.

  After spending another day shift with Blaine, I was ready to brave the Friday night crowd at Dive. I wasn’t worried; bartending was one of the few things that didn’t make me nervous. It was fast-paced, lively, and you could be whoever you wanted to be. I could flirt and laugh without reservation. I could be a total bitch if a patron got too ass-grabby. I could exude complete confidence and self-assurance. I could be fearless.

  Tonight, the girls of AngelDust would be in attendance for their live audition. If anything, I was more nervous for them. Sure, they were amazingly talented, but after seeing who they would be up against, my stomach clenched and roiled into a dozen tiny knots.

  All that was erased the moment I saw his face, his mouth rolling his studded tongue in concentration as he filled an order. I tried to focus on filling the beer mug in my hand without collecting too much foam, yet every few seconds, my gaze swept to him. And every glance ignited a jolt in me, making that damn Asian flush creep onto my cheeks.

  “What’s that look for?” Blaine asked, suddenly beside me. Oddly, the nearness of him didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. I only felt…heat.

  I finished up my order of beers and slid them to the customers with a smile. “What look?” I asked innocently, simultaneously taking another order while he worked on filling a tray of shots beside me.

  “The look that says you’re secretly undressing me with your eyes,” he answered without hesitance.

  My mouth was hanging open, unable to formulate even a mutter of defense, when a familiar squeal saved me from further awkwardness.

  “Kam! Holy shit, can you believe the size of this crowd?” Angel yelled over the roar of bar chatter. She leaned over the bar, her cleavage nearly spilling over into a pitcher of beer, and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I greeted the other girls with a wave before rushing to take the next order.

  “So, Blaine, how’s my girl working out here?” I heard her say as soon as I turned towards a group of girls who were blatantly checking out Blaine’s backside.

  “Oh my God, is that Blaine Jacobs? When did he get back?”

  “I’m not sure but–Wow–he’s even hotter! Looks like getting rid of that dead weight worked out for him because, DAMN!”

  “I know! Can you believe what that bitch did to him? I’m not complaining because that means he’s back on the market!”

  “Did you hear what he did to that guy? I heard they released him from prison early for good behavior.”

  “I don’t care. I want him. Look at those arms. I can’t wait to feel them wrapped around my naked body.”

  “Hell no, bitch, I saw him first. Mark my words, Blaine will be between my legs by the end of the night!”

  “Can I help you?” I asked with more attitude than absolutely necessary. I couldn’t help it; the way they were talking about Blaine had my blood boiling and my bitch-slap hand twitching.

  The girls, who had to be in their early twenties, looked at me with stunned expressions. I tried to plaster on a tight smile to ease the tension, but that didn’t make me feel any better. Was I…jealous? No. Of course not. I’d never been jealous a day in my life. I’d never even cared enough about a guy to be jealous. Yet, for some reason, I wanted nothing more than to reach across that bar and snatch those gossipy bitches bald-headed.

  And what dead weight were they talking about? And prison? I knew it was quite possible that Blaine had a dark side. Yeah, he was covered in tattoos and had a particular…I don’t know…swagger that spoke of his seamless confidence. Yet, he didn’t seem cocky or douchey. Blaine just seemed completely at home in his ink-adorned skin.

  The boldest of the flock spoke up first. “Oh, I love your earrings.” (She was lying.) “Do you think you could do us a huge favor and get that guy to serve us instead? We’re old friends from high school, and I know he’d love to catch up with us,” she said with a sickly sweet smile that nauseated me. I returned the sentiment with one of my own before spinning around and marching across the bar.

  As if he could somehow feel my presence, Blaine turned and smiled at me while ringing up a patron’s order. However, it quickly faded when he eyed my irritated expression. “What’s wrong?”

  I shook off the annoyance and grinned. “Nothing at all. Some friends of yours are requesting you down there,” I said with a nod towards the group of fan-girls.

  Blaine followed my gaze and I could have sworn there was a trace of a frown on his lips when his eyes fell on the pack of hyenas. Or maybe that’s just what I wanted to see. He turned back to me and nodded. “Thanks. I got this.”

  I followed his fluid movement towards them and could visibly see the girls light up as he got closer. Even over the roar of the crowd, I could hear their squeals and laughter, especially when he brushed his sexy mussed hair from his eyes with a tattooed hand.

  “I never thought I’d see the day that Kami Duvall would get jealous over a guy,” Angel remarked just loud enough for me to hear. I returned my attention to the line of waiting customers and took an order, hoping that my indifference would lead her off the scent of my true feelings. I didn’t want her to see just how much Blaine, or any guy for that matter, affected me. And I damn sure didn’t need to witness Blaine flirting with a group of cock-hungry bar sluts.

  “Who’s jealous?” a deep masculine voice asked, adding fuel to Angel’s accusatory fire. I turned just in time to see Dominic plant a kiss on her cheek. Even though I was annoyed that Angel was on to me, I couldn’t help but beam at the sight of my dearest friend.

  “Dom! You came!” I leaned across the bar to greet him so he could press his lips against mine. The greeting may have been oddly intimate to some, but he and I had always been touchy. Affection amongst the three of us was something that most didn’t understand, but it was simple; it was the only show of love that we found acceptable. Outsiders didn’t understand because they were just that—outsiders.

  “Of course, I couldn’t miss supporting my girls on their big day,” he beamed, his bright white teeth contrasting brilliantly with his caramel skin. Only when his eyes diverted to my right did his smile fade. I looked to see Blaine beside me, damn near scowling at Dom.

  “Hey Dom, this is Blaine. He’s one of the bartenders here at Dive.” I waved a hand between the two of them. “Blaine, this is Dominic Trevino.”

  “The most awesome guy she’s ever had the pleasure to know, love and live with,” Dom added playfully, shooting me a wink. Blaine nodded politely then busied himself with an order without another word. From what I knew of Blaine, which wasn’t much, it seemed out of character. He’d
always been so warm and friendly towards everyone. Before I could really feel the arctic temperature of his mood, boisterous laughter approached us, followed by a barrage of cheers.

  “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Angel Cassidy and her cute, little pussycats,” Ryan Winn sneered, flanked by his band mates.

  Ryan was the lead singer for The Takers, the band that Angel used to play for before she left and started AngelDust two years ago. It was a nasty split, resulting in him sparking up nasty rumors about Angel. To make matters worse, Ryan had been vying for my attention since I got to Charlotte. I knew it was to get under Angel’s skin, which just made me hate him more.

  “And if it isn’t Ryan Winn and his load of unswallowed cum-shots,” she shot back. Even I had to giggle at that one. Ryan acted like he didn’t even hear it.

  “Hey, can we get some service over here?” Ryan shouted loud enough to earn a murderous glare from Dom. I could see Angel and the other girls coaxing him to let it go. The bulging vein in his neck was about to explode.

  I could feel Ryan fix his gaze on me even though I was down the bar helping customers. The prick had always made me uncomfortable. I knew he was just a regular, run-of-the-mill douchebag but I didn’t like how grabby and crude he could be. It wasn’t even funny when he did it. It just made him look like a world-class asshole, and not the sexy kind of asshole either.

  I turned to reluctantly help them when Blaine intercepted me with an outstretched hand. “Hey guys, I’m Blaine. Glad y’all could play for us tonight. What can I get ya?”

  Blaine served the band their beers with a slight polite smile though I could tell he was annoyed with their comments about Dive’s female patrons. When Ryan made a crass remark about my ass when I bent down, I thought I saw Blaine visibly flinch, then ball his fists. I didn’t even want to think about Dom’s reaction. Angel and the girls had to take him to a table out of earshot to calm him down. I was thankful; I really didn’t need my best friend and roommate getting kicked out of the bar I work at for fighting.

  An hour later, CJ took the stage and grabbed the microphone. After greeting the crowd like only he could (I’m pretty sure at least three F-bombs were dropped), he announced the first band taking the stage.

  Crux was a well-known band in Charlotte, known for their infusion of classical and rock music. They were amazing and hard to beat, but they lacked Angel’s sultry stage presence. After playing a few songs, CJ took the stage again.

  “Give it up one more time for Crux! What did y’all think? Let me fucking hear ya!” The crowd clapped and cheered while CJ successfully pumped them up for the next act. I had to give it to him; he was pretty entertaining to watch. “Ok, simmer down, y’all. We got more for ya. Do you want more? Do ya? Then put your fucking hands together for The Takers!”

  I could tell that most of the crowd had heard of them by the way they screamed when the guys took the stage. Ryan Winn was the quintessential hot rocker front man. Hard body, great hair, and eyes that seemed to melt the panties off every woman his gaze touched. After he roused the crowd further, The Takers launched into one of their known hits, a fast paced song with a catchy melody. Ryan owned the stage, moving around, interacting with the other band mates, and flirting with anything in a skirt. His act was undeniably sexual and enticing, and I even found myself entranced by him for a second. That was, until Blaine sidled up behind me.

  “They’re good, huh?” he murmured in my ear. I felt his lip brush my earlobe, causing my eyes to close for a moment. Luckily, the bar patrons were busy watching the act and we were left forgotten for the moment.

  “Yeah,” I nodded. I could feel the heat flooding from his body, could smell his signature scent of mint and a spice that I couldn’t quite pinpoint. I didn’t know what it was, but I liked it. So much that I wanted it all over me.

  “Yeah, they are,” he remarked, his mouth still close to me. I found myself easing toward him. I didn’t even know what we were talking about.

  “Mmmm hmmm…”

  I wasn’t sure how long we stood there in lust-drenched silence before a customer demanded our attention, but I knew one thing for certain: Whatever it was between Blaine and me, it wasn’t just harmless flirting. At least for me it wasn’t. I wanted him. Badly. And wanting him the way I did would only end in tragedy for us. The realization made me want to rip out my traitorous heart and kick it across the floor.

  “Alright, y’all, give it up for The Takers!” CJ was bellowing into the microphone as the band exited the stage. I had zoned out during their entire performance.

  “Ok, this next act is the hottest, sexiest fucking band I have ever seen. Now, girls in the front, you might want to back up and let the fellas through because—I shit you not—you guys are gonna want a front row viewing of this. Give it up, Dive, for AngelDust!”

  The first thing I noticed was that Angel had changed into what I could only describe as a black, strapless leotard. She paired it with fishnet stockings and hot pink 6-inch heels to match her pink extensions and glammed-out guitar. She looked flawless, and the guys of Dive more than agreed, judging by the raucous cheers.

  Angel didn’t even seem fazed by being on stage nearly naked. She was completely calm as she faced the crowd, her tiny fist in the air, as she began the countdown into the first song. It was a popular choice and one of my favorites, speaking of a crush that can’t quite work up the nerve to come clean to the object of his desire. She enticed the crowd, rolling her hips to the beat and locking eyes with every guy and girl. She knew when to bellow out the notes and when to dip into a feather-light, breathy tone that probably had every guy adjusting themselves.

  I looked over at Blaine, who appeared to be just as enraptured by Angel’s charms. A tiny fragment of my heart cracked. I could never be that bold and brave. I could never be as free and confident as Angel. He’d never look at me while I performed. No one got turned on by a timid field mouse. Angel was a lioness. She ate chicks like me for breakfast. No pun intended, though she would say otherwise.

  By the time AngelDust moved on to their next selection, a song about slutty chicks that ruin good guys, the crowd was eating out of the palm of Angel’s petite hand, and no one was requesting drinks. That’s when I realized just how enthusiastically I was singing along behind the bar.

  “Enjoying yourself?” Blaine asked with an amused grin. He leaned against the bar comfortably like he had been watching me intently for a while.

  I stilled my little dance moves and snapped my mouth shut. “Uh, yeah. Angel is amazing. AngelDust is one the best bands out right now,” I beamed proudly.

  “Well, don’t stop now. I was enjoying the show.”

  “There’s a live concert going on right in front of you,” I said waving towards the stage.

  “Yeah, they’re great,” he nodded. “But I’d rather watch you.”

  I couldn’t stifle the warmth that flooded my belly at his confession. And I didn’t want to. Blaine pushed away from the bar and closed the distance between us. Again his lips were at my ear, sending the delightful shivers of his breath down my neck.

  “Can I ask you something, Kami?” Even with the pounding drumbeats and Angel’s voice flooding the speakers, all I could hear was him. His voice was smooth, level and just above a whisper. Blaine didn’t have to yell over the noise. He had my full, undivided attention. And he knew it too; his question didn’t even warrant an answer.

  “That guy that you kissed earlier…is that your boyfriend?”

  I turned my head to assess his face, but he was too close. So close that his lips brushed against my forehead when he stood up straight. I took a step back, though everything inside me wanted to melt into him.

  “Who, Dom? No, of course not,” I said with more vehemence than necessary. I knew I sounded too eager to set the record straight, but the cat was already out the bag.

  “But you live together.”

  “Yeah, and I live with Angel too. Dom is my best friend.”

  Blaine looked unconvin
ced, but being so close to him, feeling like we were alone on our own little island off the coast of Dive, I couldn’t find the words to explain further.

  “You kiss all your friends like that?” A small, playful smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

  “Some of them,” I jibed as flirtatiously as I could. I was horrible at flirting in one-on-one situations like these. I was awkward and nervous, and my palms sweated profusely. But in that moment with Blaine, with AngelDust in the background creating our very own soundtrack, everything just seemed right. Natural and seamless.

  He smiled, his mouth slightly ajar, and I could see him rolling the metal in his tongue. “Can I be your friend?”

  God, how I wanted that. I wanted it more than I ever wanted anything or anyone before.

  “Now what do we have here?” a southern drawl interjected, causing me to swiftly move away from Blaine. He frowned at my retreat, then cut his cousin an annoyed glare.

  “What do you want, CJ?” Blaine barked at him.

  CJ raised his palms in defense. “Easy, B, I just need a beer. Didn’t mean to intrude.”

  “You’re fine, CJ,” I found myself saying, pulling a beer from the cooler and popping the top. “There was nothing to intrude on,” I said with an assured smile.

  Just like that, my mask had fallen right back into place where it should have been the entire night. Yet, anytime Blaine was near, it slipped off easily. I didn’t feel the need to hide or protect myself. Deep down, there was an impulse that wanted to reveal the real me. I was tired of hiding. I wanted Blaine to be the one to make it better. To make it ok to be me. And that scared the hell out of me.

  I refused to look at Blaine, but I could feel his eyes burning into me. Whatever was going on between us had to stop. I knew it from the first time I saw him. Blaine forced me to let my guard down. I couldn’t afford for that to happen. My sanity depended on it.