Melancholy

  “You fuck other women all the time, Maddox. I kissed you, it was amazing, but you and I . . . we’re not exactly . . . we’ll never . . .”

  “Don’t fuckin’ bother. Do what you want.”

  He shoves me back and turns to Mack. “Take her now.”

  “Maddox,” I say, my voice shaky.

  He doesn’t look at me; he just walks with slow purpose towards the back door. “I’m goin’ for a ride. Don’t be here when I get back.”

  My heart thumps in rapid bursts as I listen to him go. God dammit, I need to stop shoving my foot in my mouth so often. I turn to Mack, and he’s studying me. He lifts a hand and runs it over the two days’ growth on his chin, his brown eyes traveling over my face.

  “You fuckin’ Maddox, chante?”

  “What?” I gasp. “No.”

  “What about this other man?”

  “No.”

  “Then what the fuck is goin’ on?”

  I sigh. “I . . . ah . . . we . . . shit.”

  “That wasn’t a coherent sentence. You wanna try again?”

  “We kissed.”

  His brows shoot up. “He’s got his knickers in a twist over a fuckin’ kiss?”

  “He slept in my bed last night.”

  “He’s slept in your bed plenty of times.”

  “Yeah, but . . . it was different, Chief. We . . . there was something there.”

  He crosses his big arms. “You care about him?”

  My stomach twists. “I don’t know, and that’s the honest truth. I’m confused.”

  “You reacted badly when you found out he was with Ash.”

  At the very sound of that, my body jerks with pain.

  “I know.”

  “Care to tell me why?” he asks, taking a step towards me, still studying my face.

  “I can’t tell you why. It made no sense to me, either. It came as such a shock, it confused me. I was hurt, inexplicably hurt. Since then things have changed between us—it's like we’ve gone from being close to having sexual tension and it seems . . . wrong.”

  “Why?” he asks, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it.

  “He saved me; he’s taken care of me for five years now. He’s never tried anything; he’s never made any moves towards me. Now suddenly we’re staring at each other like we want to rip each other’s clothes off. I feel as though it’s not right, I mean . . . he’s been taking care of me like . . . like a father . . . for so long.”

  Mack snorts. “Honey, Maddox was never, ever pretending to be your father. That man has had eyes for you from the moment you turned eighteen.”

  “He has not,” I protest.

  “You fuckin’ blind? He’s controlling because he fuckin’ wants you.”

  “If he wants me, why doesn’t he say so?” I ask, throwing my hands on my hips.

  “Because he thinks you deserve better.”

  That slams into my chest like a sledgehammer. I’ve always been a brat to Maddox, sure, but I never knew he cared about me in a sexual kind of way. Until recently, he’d never made any kind of move towards me. He’s always kept his distance and been hard, a little too hard, actually.

  “He’s wrong about that. It's him who deserves better.”

  Mack narrows his eyes, and his expression hardens. “You really think that?”

  I nod, not even hesitating. “Maddox is a good man. He saved my life, and gave me a second chance. I’d be nothing without him, but he deserves a loyal old lady who is going to adore him, not some washed up junkie brat who is a thorn in his side.”

  Mack studies me for so long I squirm. “Do you really see yourself like that?”

  “Not entirely,” I admit. “But I still think I’m not right for him, and that won’t change.”

  “But you’re right for that uppity girl-boy who is takin’ you out.”

  “Alec is a good, caring man. He can make me a good woman, a real woman. If I stay with Maddox forever, I’m always going to be his burden.”

  “You ain’t his burden, chante,” Mack says, his voice going softer.

  “Aren’t I?” I say, my voice shaking. “I’m the one who causes all his heartache. He’s always put everything towards taking care of me, and he still fucks club whores when we know there are plenty of good girls out there to be his old lady. If I move on, and find my own life, maybe he’ll find his.”

  “You really want that?” Mack asks. “You really think it’s going to be easy to see him fallin’ for another woman?”

  At that very thought, my entire stomach twists angrily, but I don’t admit it. The truth is, Maddox deserves a good woman who isn’t always fighting him, and I deserve to get away from a complicated life and just live normally.

  “Yes,” I answer, but my voice is still shaky. “If she was good for him, yes.”

  He shakes his head, almost sadly. “You’re foolin’ yourself if you think you two don’t belong together.”

  Then he turns and walks towards the front door. “Pack your shit. I’ll wait out front.”

  Great. Now I’ve pissed two men off in one morning.

  CHAPTER TEN

  2008 – Santana

  Pippa trembles in my arms. I rub her shoulders, trying to keep her warm. It’s been twenty-four hours since Kennedy’s mom kicked us out, and we’ve been too frightened to go home. If she’s there, or the police, it could end badly. Instead, we’re huddled behind the bus stop over the road, just watching.

  Pippa is freezing. She really has nothing to fall back on, she’s so skinny, and that’s scary. If she gets too cold, she could die. That’s just how simple this is.

  A flash of headlights causes my head to jerk up. A car arrives at Kennedy’s house, then another, then another. My eyes widen as I peer through the small gap in the middle.

  That’s a whole lot of cars. I pull Pippa closer, staring as a heap of men in black clothes get out. One of them yells in the general direction of the house, “Get out here, Kennedy.”

  They want Kennedy? But he isn’t here.

  “You got three seconds, Kennedy. You owe us, and we’re tired of waiting.”

  My heartbeat races as I stare through the gaps. A man, a really big man, walks up to the windows and raises a gun, shooting. The window smashes and Pippa makes a squealing sound. I press a hand over her mouth. “Shhh, if they hear you . . .”

  “One,” the man yells.

  Kennedy isn’t there, I want to scream it at them, but of course I’m not going to do that.

  “Two,” he yells again.

  Another gunshot is sent through the window.

  “Three!”

  At least eight men charge the front door, kicking it down. I watch in horror as lights come on in all of the rooms. About ten minutes later, they come out and huddle about, chatting amongst themselves. Then they get in their cars and leave.

  That wasn’t good. I know it.

  I tuck Pippa closer, and pull a jacket around us. I watch the house for hours and hours, even when the early light of the morning comes shining through my little gap. That’s when another car arrives. I squint and see Kennedy get out. He looks terrible, but it’s him, and he’s alone. I wait for a minute before shaking Pippa awake.

  “Pippa,” I whisper. “Wake up.”

  She blinks her eyes open, staring up at me. “A-a-a-are they gone?”

  “Kennedy is back.”

  We pack up our things, and rush across the road. Kennedy sees us and his face floods with relief. He looks terrible, with black under his eyes and sunken cheekbones, but he opens his arms to us. “I was worried, my girls. Where have you been?”

  “We were over the road,” I croak. “Someone came here when you were gone, and shot the windows in.”

  Kennedy jerks. “Who? Did you see them?”

  “No, but they said they were sick of waiting.”

  His eyes dart around, and he fumbles about for his keys. “We have to go, let’s go.”

  “Where are we going?” Pippa squeaks.

  ?
??Be calm, sweetheart,” he murmurs to her. “It’ll be okay.”

  He shoves us into his car, and speeds off down the road without any more words spoken. He drives for thirty or forty minutes and pulls up at a secluded hotel. Frantic, he gets out and rushes into the reception. A few minutes later he returns. He throws himself into the car without another word, and drives the car around to an old, crappy room.

  We get out in silence, scared. He ushers us into the room and slams the door, locking it. He points to the bed, and mutters, “I’m making some calls. Order some food, have a shower, and get some sleep.”

  He takes his phone and hurries outside, shutting the door behind him. I turn to Pippa, who is watching him with wide eyes. “Are we in danger, Santana?”

  “No, honey,” I soothe. “Go and have a shower. It’ll be nice, and it’ll warm you up.”

  She nods, and hurries off without another word. She loves to shower—it’s like her little piece of heaven. When she’s gone, I walk over to the window and peer out. Kennedy is pacing up and down the footpath, yelling into his cell. I sigh and walk back to the bed, ordering some food for Pippa and I.

  By the time our food arrives, Kennedy is back, and still frantic. His eyes are darting around the room, not really focusing on anything. His lips are a fine line, his skin pale. Pippa and I eat in silence as he sits, tapping his foot over and over. Then he turns to us, staring at me. “You trust me, don’t you, Tanie?” he asks.

  I nod. “Yes,” I whisper.

  “Then you know I’ll try and keep you safe?”

  Try.

  “Yes.”

  He nods sharply, and points to the bed. “Get some sleep. There’s no point worrying over this.”

  Pippa and I crawl into the bed.

  This feels bad. Really. Really. Bad.

  ~*~*~*~

  2014 – Santana

  I pack as many things as I can, without taking too much. I have all the essentials—clothes, shoes, toiletries, and all my creams and makeup. I stuff it all into one big suitcase and drag it down the stairs. My heart hurts, even though I know it’s not forever. The idea of being without this house frightens me.

  The idea of being without Maddox frightens me more.

  “You ready?” Mack asks, dropping a smoke and crushing it out with his boot.

  I stare at him, then his SUV, and nod. He takes my suitcase, and tells me to stay at the door until he’s got it in, and he’s sure we’re not being watched. Then he shrugs his jacket off and then his bandana and puts both on me. He tucks my hair down behind the jacket and tightens the bandana over my head. Then he slinks his arm over me and walks out.

  It’s not really a disguise as such, more a precaution. When I’m in the car, with its dark tinting, I hand the items back. He checks around, and then points to the floor. “Down you go.”

  “Seriously?” I gape.

  “Seriously, now.”

  I growl, and drop onto the space on the floor. I tuck my knees up to my chest and glare at nothing in particular. Mack pulls out, and the rumble of the car radiates through my bottom. “How will you know if someone is following you?”

  “There ain’t a single person behind me now. If someone comes in the next twenty miles, I’ll drive around in random places to see if they follow, but the fact that no one has popped up already tells me they’re probably not there.”

  “Maddox has had watches all night; they probably know that.”

  “Won’t stop them. I’d say they’re regrouping.”

  Great.

  “How far is your new place?”

  “About half an hour.”

  “And you haven’t moved in yet?”

  “Nope.”

  “Where will we sleep?”

  He smirks. “Side by side in the cubby house out the back.”

  “Ha ha. Maybe you can build us a fire, too. Eh, Chief?”

  “Smart ass,” he grunts.

  “You started it.”

  He snorts. “I’ve ordered some new stuff that will come in this afternoon.”

  “I’m sorry you have to do this for me.”

  He shrugs. “I was doin’ all this anyway, chante. You’re just makin’ it more fun.”

  I know he’s just saying that, and it makes me feel worse. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I pull it out, staring down at the screen.

  “You’ll need a new one of those. I’ve got one coming.”

  I frown, but don’t answer. Instead I stare at the message. It’s from Alec.

  A – Hi beautiful, how are you?

  I hesitate, just staring at the screen. He’s good for me, he really is. I shouldn’t push him away because I’m confused about Maddox. Right? I reply.

  S – I’m okay. How are you?

  A – I’ll be good when I can see you again. When will that be?

  S – It might not b for a few days, but hopefully soon.

  A – Thursday night? Did you still want to talk to my sister about that job?

  I sigh, knowing that’s not going to happen right now. Damned biker life.

  S – I can’t, sorry. I’ll explain in person. I have to get a new number, I’ll call you tonight.

  A – So I can’t see you before then?

  Wow, he’s being kind of pushy.

  S – Sorry, things are bad.

  A – Right. I’ll talk to u later then.

  I sigh and go to shove the phone into my pocket, but stop and decide to text Maddox. It’s probably not the best decision, but I feel bad about how he left.

  S – I just wanted you 2 know I’m safe.

  M – Wonderful.

  Really? I can almost hear the sarcasm in that message. Men. I put the phone away. I don’t want to respond when it’ll only be nasty. Besides, Maddox hates texting, and he only does it when he’s too lazy to make a phone call. He’s clearly angry at me, which is fine. I’ll leave it for now.

  I sit in silence until Mack pulls up. I look over to him, and he’s glancing around, double checking we’re not being followed. Then he opens the garage and drives in. He shuts the car off and turns to me. “Stay here.”

  He gets out and I hear him shuffling about, a door slamming, and then a moment later he’s back. “We’re good, you can get out.”

  I shove the door open and leave the car, stretching my legs with a groan. We’re in a dark garage, but I can see light through the open door at the front right of the room. I walk towards it after Mack, and we step straight into a really nice place. It’s super gorgeous and modern.

  It’s got grey tiles and white walls. The kitchen is the first thing I see, and it’s massive, with granite countertops and shiny white laminate. The rest of the apartment is all walls and floors, because it has no furniture. The living area seems to have loads of space, and then it narrows off to a hallway that holds all the bedrooms, bathrooms and a laundry. I walk down the halls, checking it all out.

  “This is really nice,” I say to Mack, staring around.

  He nods. “Yeah, it’ll do. You can have the room on the right.”

  He points to a closed door, and I rush over, opening it. The room is large, and it faces the backyard where no one can sneak in because there are blocks of apartments restricting access. Smart man. I can see quite well out of the large, double windows. I smile, and turn back to Mack. “Thank you, it’s lovely.”

  He nods. “The furniture will be here soon, so until then we’ll just wait.”

  I follow him out, checking out the new bathroom and laundry as we walk. We both stop in the empty kitchen and stare at each other. Well, this isn’t awkward at all. I walk over to the window that faces the front yard, but Mack grunts at me to get away from it. With a sigh, I find a spot on the cool floor, and pull out my phone to read while I wait.

  The furniture arrives two hours later, and I stand back while Mack lets them through, ordering them about. He’s gotten some really nice stuff. There is everything from lounge chairs to full kitchen appliances. This must have cost him a lot. I begin pulling
plastic off and unpacking appliances while Maddox sets the beds up in the rooms.

  We work well into the night, until we finally have the lounge and dining room set up, the kitchen appliances and necessities out, and the bedrooms all ready to sleep in. I make us both some coffee after the groceries are delivered, while Mack showers. He comes out in only a pair of jeans, and I have to keep my eyes trained on the coffee cups to keep myself from looking.

  Mack is a stunning man, in clothes and out. I wouldn’t be a red-blooded woman if I didn’t think that he was extremely gorgeous. I turn, keeping my eyes on his face, trying to avoid staring at his well-built body, with his smooth clean skin. I’m a fan of tattoos, but there’s something so beautiful about Mack’s bare, muscled body that’s completely ink free.

  “You hungry?” he asks, taking the cup out of my hand.

  “Sure. Did you want me to make something?”

  He shakes his head. “Nah, tonight we’ll order in.”

  “I don’t mind.”

  He grins. “I know. I’ve got it.”

  He dials for a pizza and we both flop down onto the couch with a sigh while we wait. It’s a nice, leather couch. Super comfortable and squishy.

  “This is a good couch,” I say.

  He snorts. “You uncomfortable bein’ here?”

  I sigh. “Yes.”

  “Don’t be. It ain’t forever, and I’ll hardly ever be here. Don’t be scared to make yourself at home.”

  I nod, sipping my coffee. “So, Chief, tell me what’s been happening on all your travels as a nomad?”

  He snorts. “Nothin’ much. Same old shit that happens here. Club life, pussy and a whole lot of drinkin’.”

  I roll my eyes. “Any pussy worth talking about?”

  I expect him to laugh, but his face hardens and he barks, “no,” before standing and stalking into the kitchen.

  Okay, then.

  This will be fun.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  2008 – Santana

  Kennedy strokes my hair, his fingers moving softly yet constantly. I close my eyes, pressing myself closer to him, needing his comfort. I’m high, so high my mind is spinning, but he’s got me. He’s always got me. I curl my fingers around his leg, and my face is pressed against his firm belly.