Melancholy

  I press my hand to my mouth. In a matter of minutes, Maddox pummeled Alec to that bloody, pathetic mess lying on the ground.

  Spinning, Maddox takes my arm and drags me down the footpath. He’s bleeding, his knuckles and his face. There doesn’t seem to be any deep lacerations. He’s cut himself on the glass. He doesn’t say another word to me; he just throws me on the back of the bike and gets on himself.

  Then we’re gone, into the darkness.

  I let the tears go freely now; there’s no point holding back.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  2014 – Santana

  The minute we arrive back at Mack’s, Maddox gets off the bike and storms inside. He doesn’t stop; he doesn’t even check if anyone is around. I follow quickly, keeping my head down, ashamed of myself. When we step inside, Mack looks up and his eyes widen. “What the fuck happened?”

  Maddox says nothing, he just disappears down the hall. I watch him go, and swing my eyes to Mack. He gives me a well? expression and I begin to sob again.

  “Hey,” he growls, standing. “Pull your shit together, stop that fuckin’ crying, and tell me what went down.”

  I suck in my crying and nod, swiping my tears. “I went to Alec’s and . . . I . . . we . . . had sex. I said stop, and he didn’t . . .”

  “Fuck.”

  “Maddox beat the shit out of him, Mack. He is lucky he didn’t kill him.”

  Mack runs his hands through his hair, his jaw tight. “Had about enough of this shit.”

  I shake my head, confused.

  Cold brown eyes turn to me. “You care about him, Santana?”

  I nod.

  “Then get your selfish ass in there and fuckin’ make him see that. Grow the fuck up.”

  He turns and storms off, not giving me a chance to respond. My pride is wounded, but his words are true. I’m a selfish cow. I’ve been dancing around this for so long. I’ve been a horrible, crazy brat, and I could have gotten myself killed.

  I turn on shaky legs and I walk down the hall. I see the bathroom door slightly opened, so I push it open and step in. Maddox is leaning over the sink, his head dropped, blood running down the sides of the sink. My heart breaks. What sort of girl am I? What have I done?

  I take a step forward. My hands tremble as I near the shaking man leaning over the sink. He’s shaking with rage—I know he is. I’ve upset him, hurt him, used him, and thrown it all in his face. I stop beside the sink, reaching out and placing my fingers on his hand. He flinches, but he doesn’t look up.

  “Get out,” he rasps.

  “No,” I say, my voice not coming out as strong as I’d like.

  He jerks his head up, and his eyes burn into mine. His jaw flexes as he grinds his teeth.

  “I have had enough of your fuckin’ bullshit for one fuckin’—”

  “I know,” I croak.

  His eyes flicker over my face quickly.

  “You know fuckin’ nothin’, Santana. Nothin’.”

  “I know you care about me, I know I’ve been a horrible little brat, and I know I’ve hurt you.”

  He glares at me. “You. Know. Nothin’.”

  “Then tell me!” I cry. “You dance around this as much as I do. We’ve both been playing games for more than a year now, Maddox. I’m done; I’m fucking done.”

  “You wanna play with the truth?” he bellows, swiping all the items off the sink. They crash onto the floor. “Then tell me why the fuck you ran off when you found out I got my cock sucked by Ash?”

  His words cause me to jerk back. I stare at him, letting the hurt show on my face.

  “I don’t know why I ran,” I say.

  “Get out.”

  “It’s the truth!” I cry. “I don’t know what snapped.”

  “If you would open your fuckin’ eyes instead of lookin’ at me like I’m the worst fuckin’ thing you could have in your life, you would see what’s right in front of you. Now get the fuck out!”

  He roars this so loudly, I flinch.

  I turn and rush out of the bathroom, my chest aching like it’s never ached before. I stumble into my room, and God, it hurts. It hurts so badly. I thought Alec was what I wanted—I thought he could give me the life I so desperately sought, only to find out he was fake. The only real thing in my world is Maddox, and yet I’ve fought so hard against him.

  I always thought I knew, deep down inside, that this life wasn’t for me.

  Maybe I was wrong.

  I don’t know anything anymore.

  ~*~*~*~

  I’m curled up on the floor of the shower, sobbing so loudly my entire body aches. My sex burns, and there was a lot of blood in my panties when I stripped to get in. I’ve been sitting down here for twenty minutes now, letting emotion and rage burn inside my belly.

  I’m angry at myself.

  I’m angry at Alec.

  I’m angry at Maddox.

  Everything is just a jumbled mess of emotions, and my heart hurts every time I think about what Maddox said to me. I slowly shove to my feet. I’ve already heard his bike disappear, and the very sound made my heart shatter into a thousand pieces.

  I step out of the shower, pulling a towel around myself. I dry quickly, and lift a brush, dragging it through my hair, and then I slip into a nightie. I walk over to my bed, throwing the covers back and sliding in. More tears make an appearance as I stuff my face into the pillow, feeling like a fool. I hurt Maddox, he hurt me, and together we’ve made a royal mess of things.

  The door creaks but I don’t bother to turn. The bed sinks beside me and the covers are flicked back. I already know it’s Mack; I know because he used to do this when I had nightmares. If Maddox wasn’t around, Mack was my rock. A strong body wraps around mine, and he pulls me into his arms.

  “I was a cunt,” he murmurs. “Sorry, chante.”

  I shake my head. “You weren’t. It was my fault you were put in this situation.”

  “He’s hurtin’.”

  “I know,” I croak.

  “And so are you.”

  I don’t answer.

  “You okay?”

  I swallow, and my eyes burn from all the crying I’ve done in the last few hours.

  “He hurt me, Mack,” I whimper.

  “Maddox?”

  “No. Alec.”

  He strokes a hand over my hair. Not many people see Mack like this. He’s usually hard and broody.

  “I was a virgin,” I whisper. “And he was so rough.”

  “Fuck,” Mack grunts. “That fuckin’ piece of shit.”

  “Will you stay with me?”

  “Yeah,” he murmurs, pulling me closer.

  We lay like that until sleep takes both of us, and in that moment I’m so grateful to Mack for being my friend.

  God knows I need him.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  2008 – Santana

  Kennedy strokes his hands over my hair as the warm rush floods my body. He makes a soothing sound, filling my veins with his disease. That’s what these drugs are like, a disease that sinks into your soul. He is preparing me. He told me I have to do something very special for him tonight.

  I couldn’t go without the drugs. I needed them.

  Kennedy gave them to me, but not enough. By the time he lets me go and I’m on my feet, I already know I need more. He refuses, telling me I need to focus. “There is going to be a man that will meet you. All you have to do is give him this package, and then leave. Can you do that?”

  I moan, but nod.

  Kennedy hands me the package, and goes over and over what I have to do as he drives me to the location where I’m supposed to give it over. He drops me off five blocks away. “Go and wait. I’ll be at home with Pippa, keeping her safe. You trust me, don’t you, Tanie?”

  “Will you take care of her? Promise me she’ll be safe,” I slur.

  He nods. “I promise.”

  I nod, shoving myself out of the car.

  “Tanie?”

  I turn to him, staring through blu
rred vision. “You know I love you?”

  I nod again.

  He smiles and drives off. It’s the last time I see Kennedy.

  ~*~*~*~

  I shouldn’t have opened the package, but I’m desperate. I need a hit, and I already know what’s in here. One pill, one pill is all I’ll take.

  I take one, then another, then another. It’s not working. Why isn’t it working? My mind is already spinning, so I don’t notice it progress to the next stage. Suddenly, I’ve gone from feeling it mildly to wishing I’d never taken them in the first place.

  I drop to my knees, clutching the package to my chest, my head spinning. Vomit rises in my throat, and I struggle to keep it down. My entire body feels as if it’s going to explode. God, what is this stuff? I gasp, trying to breathe as vomit blocks my throat. I fall flat on my back, still clutching the package. Oh God. Oh God. I’m going to die right here, and Pippa will be left alone.

  Pippi . . .

  I jump in and out of consciousness, vaguely hearing the sounds of cars on the street, the sounds of bars and the music blaring from them, and then the sound of a chuckling male voice. I try to roll further into the alley, but I can’t move my body. Everything is heavy. Everything hurts.

  “Fuck.”

  Warm hands press against my cheeks. I want to open my eyes, but I can’t. They won’t work.

  “Hey, wake up.”

  I can’t wake up. Vomit rises higher and higher, until I feel it choking me. Gasps and splutters leave my throat, but it’s not enough. I’m going to die.

  “Hang on, I’m goin’ to get you help.”

  That’s when it all goes black.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  2014 – Santana

  “Take me to the club,” I say three days later to Mack as he prepares to leave.

  He turns to me. “Why?”

  “It’s been three days. He’s not spoken to me, and he’s not going to unless I go in there and fix this.”

  “There ain’t nothing you can do, short of tellin’ him you love him, that can fix this.”

  I shake my head. “You’re wrong.”

  “I’ll take you, but listen to me, Santana,” he says, stepping closer. “Don’t go in there and make this worse. You wanna be with Maddox, then fuckin’ be with him. You don’t, leave him be, and make it clear you’re not interested. Quit playin’.”

  I nod. “I swear.”

  “Fine, then get in the car.”

  We get into the SUV in the garage, and I drop down as Mack drives towards the compound. We arrive in good time, with no issues. It’s just on dark, and the club is in full swing. I get out of the car and walk with Mack inside. I see the guys, and they all give me a grin and a wave as I walk past.

  I head straight towards Maddox’s office.

  I’ve had a lot of time to think about this, considering it’s been three days and he’s not said a word. He’s right, Mack’s right, and I’m an idiot. Maddox does care about me, and if I’m not lying to myself, I care about him. Can it work? I truly don’t know. Do I want it to? I don’t know that either. All I know is I hurt him, and he deserves me to apologize for that.

  I open his office door when I reach it, only to see Krypt and Ash . . . Jesus. I squeal and spin around, pressing a hand to my eyes. “Oh my God, Krypt, I think I just saw your . . . thingy . . .”

  Krypt laughs, and Ash cries out in shame.

  “Lucky girl.” He chuckles. “And it ain’t a thingy, honey, it’s a co—”

  “Krypt!” Ash cuts him off with an embarrassed scoff.

  “Where’s Maddox?” I ask, still covering my eyes.

  “Out.”

  “Okay, carry on.”

  I step out, closing the door. My God. I’ll never un-see that. I walk back down the halls, disappointed. Maddox isn’t even here. I go back out and sit at the bar, getting a drink. Austin, the new prospect, comes over and joins me. He’s only young, maybe twenty-six, and has messy blond hair and gorgeous brown eyes.

  “How you doin’, Santana?” he asks.

  I shrug. “Not too bad, how are you?”

  “Aside from being a biker slave, pretty good.”

  I laugh. “The life of a prospect, huh?”

  He snorts. “Yeah. How’s your leg?”

  “It’s fine.” I smile. “All healed.”

  “Gettin’ shot sucks.”

  I laugh. “Yeah, that’s one way of puttin’ it.”

  We chat for more than an hour. Austin tells me about his life, and where he came from. I tell him about mine. We get along quite well. Maddox comes in when I’m on my third drink, and his eyes shoot straight to me. “What the fuck is she doin’ here?”

  Still mad, I see.

  I go to say something, but he storms off. With a sigh, I get up and walk down the hall after him. He’s gone into his office, and I hesitate outside the door for a few minutes before going in. He’s sitting on the couch, head dropped, a glass of something amber in his hand. He looks up when I walk in, and his eyes are furious.

  “Why the fuck are you here?”

  “To talk to you,” I say, closing the door behind me.

  “Nothin’ to talk about. Get out.”

  “Jesus, Maddox, can you stop?”

  “Stop,” he snorts. “That all you’ve got to say? Are you goin’ to sit here and blame this shit on me, too?”

  I shake my head, leaning against the door. “You never told me how you felt.”

  He glares at me. “And you didn’t stop to fuckin’ see it.”

  “I’m not a mind reader,” I whisper.

  “Doesn’t fuckin’ matter; it’s done with. Now leave. I got pussy waitin’.”

  “No,” I bark. “Don’t you push me away!”

  “Why?” he roars. “You’re fuckin’ doin’ it to me.”

  “I’m not pushing you away,” I cry. “I didn’t know. I . . . I fucked up, Maddox. I fucked up, because I’m scared. I care about you . . . I do . . .”

  “Words,” he snarls. “They mean fuck all to me. You’ve done nothin’ but make it clear pretty boys are what you want, not some fuckin’ biker.”

  I take a shaky step forward and his eyes widen. “Then I’ll show you that you’re wrong.”

  He watches me with that dark, angry expression as I walk towards him. I stop in front of him, and then I slowly climb onto his lap. My heart is pounding—he could throw me off at any second.

  Just being settled over Maddox’s big body is doing things to me, strange things. I’ve never felt anything like it in my life. He stares at me, not moving, not even attempting to.

  “I made a mistake,” I whisper, placing my hands on his chest. “I fucked up, Maddox. The truth is, I was hurt when you were with Ash because I care about you. It confused me, my feelings confused me, and they still do, but I won’t deny that it hurt because you matter to me more than I first thought. What I did with Alec . . . it was wrong . . . and I paid for it. He took something from me I can’t get back, and the sad thing is I gave it to him. He made it hurt, but I know with you . . . it won’t. Show me, Maddox. Show me what we both can’t say.”

  His eyes flash, and the ice in his glass rattles as he reaches out and places it on the small table beside the couch. “There ain’t no takin’ this back. Once I’m inside you, that’s it.”

  “Show me,” I whisper. “Make him go away, make it . . . make it you . . .”

  “You were a virgin.”

  It’s a statement, not a question.

  I nod.

  “He hurt you?”

  I nod again.

  “How bad?”

  I open my mouth, and my cheeks go pink.

  “How bad, baby?” he demands.

  “I . . . it hurt . . . it hurt a lot. There was blood, and—”

  “Fuck,” he cuts me off. “Can’t fuck you, honey. Not when you’ve been hurt.”

  I shake my head. “But . . . Maddox . . . we’ve both wanted this. I want this. With you. I want you to make it feel how it’s s
upposed to.”

  He takes my hand, pressing it down between us and over his . . . holy shit . . . extremely large cock. “You feel that, honey?” he growls. “Ain’t no way that won’t hurt.”

  I lean forward, pressing my forehead to his. “Today, tomorrow, or a month away. We can’t change that. I made a mistake with Alec, but I want you, Maddox. I. Want. You.”

  He pulls back, his eyes hard. “And I’ll fuck you, just not here. Not tonight. Not when you’re still raw.”

  I open my mouth to protest, but he cuts me off.

  “I don’t need to fuck you, to make you scream.”

  Oh, boy.

  I meet his gaze and he gives me a sexy lip quirk that makes me want to lean forward and devour his handsome face.

  “Well then,” I breathe. “Take it away.”

  His eyes slide over my body, slowly, and when they meet mine again, they’re filled with heat. “Slowly. He fucked up by hurtin’ you, sweetheart. I’m goin’ to show you just how beautiful this can be.”

  “O-o-okay,” I whisper.

  He lifts a hand, running the backs of his fingers down my cheek, so softly and gently it takes me by surprise. He brings his face closer, puffs of breath warming my cheeks. I close my eyes; just taking him in, letting him show me everything he’s wanted to show me for so long. His fingers continue to stroke down my face, going down my neck and over my shoulder.

  Then he replaces his fingers with his lips, and my entire body comes alive. He scatters the softest, sweetest little kisses over my cheeks and face, gently grazing my lips before moving down to my neck. Tiny prickles of pleasure break out over my skin and warmth shoots through me at the feeling of his lips tickling my neck. It feels amazing, and so damned real.

  “Your skin smells like honey,” he purrs against my throat, little vibrations travelling through me.

  I laugh softly. “It’s the soap I wash with.”

  “Mmmmm,” he growls. “Keep washin’ with it.”

  His hands move, sliding up my sides. His fingers tickle over my body, warming a path as they go. Then he glides them over my dress, stroking me, caressing the soft swell of my breasts through the fabric. A whimper escapes and his mouth captures mine, giving me a kiss so mind consuming it takes my breath away. It’s so gentle, so perfect...exactly how it should be.