Lady

  ‘Maybe you just can’t be bothered any more,’ yawned Fella. ‘It was all you talked about for months. The Day I Became a Dog.’

  ‘It was a big event. A turning point, you might say,’ said Mitch, and both dogs laughed down their noses.

  ‘After school. In the Tesco car park at Didsbury,’ Fella reminded him.

  ‘I can remember where, I just can’t remember what. Thursday afternoon. I’d just done a shop.’ Mitch paused, leg hovering in the air next to his ear. ‘It was those girls wasn’t it, those Year 10s.’

  ‘With Terry.’

  ‘That’s right. They were making a hell of a racket, laughing and whooping and screeching. I went over to see what the problem was.’

  ‘What problem?’ said Fella. ‘They were having a good time.’ He grinned, and licked his chops. ‘I was watching, I saw it all,’ he told me.

  ‘Terry was grinning and they were laughing, but you could see they weren’t comfortable,’ went on Mitch. ‘They stopped giggling as soon as they saw me. I taught them at school, see,’ he explained to me. ‘Terry asked them who I was, and one of them told him but that didn’t stop him. I think he thought at first I was a parent or something, but when he knew I was a teacher, he just carried right on.’

  ‘Right on what?’

  ‘Well, he was just being filthy. In a really unsuitable way to carry on with a group of girls. They were only about fifteen.’

  ‘Like what?’ I asked.

  ‘Just – filthy,’ repeated Mitch. ‘I don’t know what he’d been saying to them, but he started on me, then. Asking me what it was like teaching a bunch of attractive girls like that. Did I ever get to feel them up? Of course the girls were killing themselves laughing. Which ones had I snogged? Then he tried to put his arm over one of their shoulders. The girl shrugged him off. Totally unsuitable. I had to intervene, didn’t I?’

  ‘They were OK. What harm was he going to do them, Thursday afternoon, people everywhere? They were having a laugh,’ said Fella.

  ‘He could have turned them into dogs.’

  ‘You didn’t know that.’

  ‘What did you do?’ I asked.

  ‘Well, I told the girls to go away, and warned Terry that I might have to call the police if he didn’t behave himself. The trouble is, the girls didn’t respond, didn’t respond at all. It was so humiliating. One of them – Amanda Cabot, she was the ringleader. She got really cheeky. She started telling Terry that he was quite right, I was a dirty old man, and I was always trying it on with all the girls, and all these horrible things I was supposed to have done with various women teachers at school. I told her off of course …’

  ‘“What’s up with you, it’s out of school hours, isn’t it? Why don’t you just mind your own business, we’re having a private conversation,”’ said Fella, in a high-pitched girly voice, in a Manchester accent.

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘So what happened?’

  ‘So I lost my temper and tried to grab hold of Terry. The girls started threatening me with the police. Me! I was their teacher! Then I made my fatal mistake. I grabbed his beer out of his hands.’

  ‘It’s the beer every time,’ said Fella. ‘Terry should have a big sign on him. ‘WARNING! DO NOT REMOVE BEER. DANGER OF CANIFICATION.’

  ‘Yeah, every time. You can kick him in the teeth and he thinks he deserves it. Spit on him and he doesn’t care. Take his beer and he’s as fierce as a tiger. Anyway, next thing, I’m a dog. Bang, on the floor barking indignantly. And that was that.’

  ‘It was the most amazing thing you ever saw,’ put in Fella. ‘Oh, yeah, I was watching the whole thing,’ he said. ‘I knew Mitch …’

  ‘What, were you friends?’ I asked.

  ‘No, I used to go to the same school, Parrs Wood.’

  ‘That was my school, too!’ I barked. That meant I might have even met them, but there were so many teachers and so many students, I had no idea which ones they’d been.

  ‘Fella – well, he was Simon in those days – was one of the best students we ever had,’ said Mitch, which took me by surprise. ‘A stars in Art, Physics and Maths.’

  ‘He has a brain?’ I asked, sarcastically.

  Fella took no notice of me. ‘I saw him turn into a dog, and I was just – I dunno, sorry for Mitch of course, but at the same time I was so pleased. It was partly because I realised at that moment – yeah! A dog! That’s what I want to be! And I was jealous of him, you know? I thought, You lucky bastard! It was such a relief because I was stuck in that old human way of thinking, like, you have to know everything, you have to understand everything. You know what I mean? Everyone has to be right. It was such an effort, being right all the time about everything, doing the right thing. And now at last, here it was, something that was utterly impossible, something no one could explain – something useless and haphazard and crazy, and it was such a relief! I just knew there was more going on in the world than met the eye. It was a revelation to me. You know, you watch the cars going up and down the street, you watch the sun coming up each morning. Plants growing, people thinking and feeling. I used to think you could explain everything if you just work it out – but now, I realised that actually I knew nothing at all. I thought – yes! Here it is. This is the big one. I’d never thought about it but now I knew I’d been expecting something like this to happen for years!’

  ‘I just had to get involved,’ he went on. ‘I thought, OK, I hadn’t got a clue what was happening, but Terry had obviously done something to the man, so I went over and started shouting at him. ‘How dare you? How dare you turn that man into a dog? Turn him back this instant! Who do you think you are?’ Fella giggled at the memory of his telling Terry off like that. ‘And you know what? It might have worked. Terry was so appalled that anyone had the temerity to mention what he’d just done. I mean, plenty of people must have seen it over the years, but I think they just must have kept their mouths shut or blocked it off or something. And there was I shouting it out at the top of my voice! I really think he might have done something about it – anything just to shut me up, you know – but those girls got in on it. One of them chucked a stone at him. He’d picked up his can, which Mitch had dropped when he lost his hands. It still had some beer left in it, but when the stone hit him on the neck, he cried out and dropped it. The trouble was, for some reason, he thought I’d done it. I was expecting that girl to get dogged, but it wasn’t her – it was me. One minute I was standing there shouting, the next, I was on all fours barking. The girls ran off, screaming. I jumped at Terry and bit him hard on the leg. He fell over, and I tell you, I’d have had his throat out. I had him down, I had my teeth clamped on his shirt front and I was snarling, “Turn me back, you bastard, turn me back or I’ll eat you!” but then some people came running over and I had to run off.’

  ‘You weren’t so keen on being a dog at first, then?’ I asked.

  ‘Actually, you know, I think I was, but it just took a few days to sink in. Right at that moment, I just thought he’d done this to me without my permission. That’s what I was cross about.’

  I looked at Mitch, who’d lain dejectedly down. ‘What about you? How did you react?’ I asked.

  Mitch sighed. ‘I was devastated. I still am. I think I could almost get used to it if it wasn’t for just one thing. My family.’ He gulped and raised his head. ‘Every day I go to see if I can catch a glimpse of my wife and children. I miss them. I’d give anything for just one night back in my family home, with my wife by my side and my two boys curled up in front of the TV, together again. I miss them so much.’

  Mitch whined again, and laid down his head. Fella and I went over to lick his face and sniff under his tail to try and cheer him up.

  ‘Come on,’ said Fella. ‘It’s just what happens. We’ve all lost something – everything, in one way. But look what you’ve gained! Think about the fun we had earlier tonight! Eh? Now, what about that?’ Mitch’s tail wagged and he lifted up his head.

  ‘What have you been
doing? Do you have masters, too?’ I asked them, but both growled and shook their heads.

  ‘Masters! Who’d want to be owned by one of those things?’ said Fella.

  ‘We look after ourselves,’ said Mitch proudly. ‘Did you know that dogs are nocturnal? It’s only people who’ve trained us to trot about during the day, because it suits them. But in the wild, we like the night. What could be better than to run in cover of darkness. To run with the pack!’

  ‘A pack?’ I barked excitedly. ‘How many are there?’

  ‘Well, others come along most nights, but they’re just dogs. We’re waiting for more members. We’re waiting for you, baby,’ said Fella, and he stretched his lips into a terrible parody of a grin, that looked more a snarl on him and made me raise my hackles.

  ‘We were on the trail of a fox tonight,’ said Mitch suddenly. ‘Nearly got him too.’

  ‘All the way up the railway line as far as Hulme,’ said Fella.

  ‘Then he took off across the streets and into the park, us on his tail. We gave tongue …’

  ‘… barked like bastards, he means. Ran through the park right on his stinking heels. Then he turned off …’

  ‘Dived into the side streets. We followed, but then …’

  ‘Then what?’ I asked.

  ‘We smelled a bitch on heat and got distracted,’ said Fella.

  Both dogs found somewhere to scratch while I had a think about that.

  ‘And did you …?’

  ‘Nah, she was locked up,’ said Mitch casually. ‘There was half the dogs in Manchester barking round her yard.’

  My aunt had a spaniel bitch that was on heat once and she didn’t dare take her into the park in case she ran off with a dog. I was a bitch. I thought about that phrase – bitch on heat.

  ‘How often does, er, a bitch get on heat?’

  ‘Few times a year.’ Fella winked at me. ‘You’re gonna love it, baby,’ he told me. ‘And so am I!’ I growled at him to show him – Don’t mess with me, brother!

  I had a lick down there just to check that there was nothing different, when a thought occurred to me. ‘Hunting – hey! Did you ever get a cat?’

  ‘Cats?’ said Mitch in offended terms, but Fella was up and wagging.

  ‘Oh, yeah, I’d love to get a cat – and I could do it with you, baby! This old bugger won’t touch them.’

  ‘Cats!’ said Mitch again, in disgust. ‘You can’t eat them, they run on the roof. Don’t bother with cats. It lacks …’ he paused, looking for the word. I cringed down, ashamed of myself.

  ‘Dignity,’ said Mitch.

  ‘I suppose,’ I said.

  Fella groaned. ‘Save dignity for the bloody old human race!’ he barked. ‘I wanna get a cat!’ But all I could think about was being human again, and I closed my eyes and shook my head and tried not to think about it.

  We sat for a while, all three dogs together, until there was barking some way off, and in a second, without a word, Fella and Mitch were on their feet and gone like the wind.

  I was alone with my master again.

  five

  Terry woke up as the sun crept round the building and lit up the yard where we slept. His face was swollen, his breath was foul, but I was so happy to see him, I licked him into the morning. He groaned, took my face in his hands and kissed my nose. I could feel the cold of the ground in him. For the first time ever that morning I thought I was lucky to be a dog. I could sleep out and wake up refreshed, but the man …! It looked as if the Earth was killing him.

  He pulled himself upright and took a can out of his pocket.

  ‘Good morning to you, Lady,’ he told me. He took a drink, and as the liquid hit his stomach, he retched. I think he was sick, but if he was, he managed to hold it and swallow it back. He waited a little before taking another little sip, and the same thing happened. Drinking in little sips like this, Terry gradually forced enough booze down his throat to be able to face the day.

  ‘Now then,’ he said. ‘Now then.’ He stood up shakily, patted his pocket and came up with a few scraps of bread he’d saved for my breakfast. He stood grimly over me while I wolfed them down and sat up, looking for more.

  ‘We have to earn our keep today, Lady,’ he told me. He sat down and finished his can. It was like watching a piece of old machinery slowly coming to life as the oil crept round its gears, or watching the sun warming up a beetle that had stayed out too late at night. When the can was empty he got down on his knees by me and kissed me and patted me and stroked me and made such a fuss of me that I thought he lived only for me. And me – I was so grateful and so happy! Mitch was right, Terry really knew how to treat a dog! As it went on I became happier and happier until I was yelping and whining and crouching in excitement. Then he stood back up and stretched himself, and set about teaching me how to earn my keep.

  Terry didn’t have any great ambitions for me. He just wasted me, really. I could have walked or danced or talked about the weather, or discussed EastEnders – you name it! When you have a girl’s brain in the body of a dog, everything is a miracle. But all Terry wanted me to do was learn how to say one simple phrase. He found it hilarious. It took him five minutes getting it out, he was laughing so much.

  ‘Thanks, mate!’ he burst out at last. That was it.

  ‘Jesus, what do you think, eh, Lady? Isn’t it totally bloody brilliant? Eh? Eh? Oh, God, I’ll kill myself!’ he howled. He kept breaking into giggles as he explained. I had to say it whenever someone dropped money into the dog bowl. ‘Just when they drop money in mind, not before,’ insisted Terry. ‘It’s a sort of reward for them, you see,’ he told me. ‘God, they’ll kill themselves laughing!’ And he fell around laughing himself, all over again. God knows why. I couldn’t see the joke. Maybe it was the idea of giving people a reward; maybe it was just the talking dog, I don’t know. I mean! Thanks, mate? Was that it? All those boring years being educated and learning about igneous rocks and square roots and what the Romans did on their days off, and all I was going to do was say thank you nicely! But I couldn’t argue; Master knows best. And who knows, maybe he was right. I had to spend half the morning learning to get my stiff dog’s mouth around just those two words.

  By mid morning I made a passable imitation of human speech, and we went off to try it out.

  Terry took me further down the Oxford Road to the University. As we walked along he explained to me that students were suckers for a laugh. ‘They’ll laugh at anything,’ he said, ‘and they’re too dopey to think it’s anything more than a trick. Mean, though,’ he added. A few people glanced to see a man chatting familiarly to his dog in the street, but it was only a poor man with no home and too much beer inside him. How could they know I understood every word? After the first glance, they carried on. Nothing unusual there.

  ‘We must find the right spot. Every trade has its skills,’ said Terry, and he went off on a long explanation of the advantages of begging at railway stations, Arts Centres, cinemas, shops and cash machines. To hear him go on you’d think he had a PhD in the subject, but at last we got ourselves settled down in between Abdul’s and the Lloyd’s Bank cash machine on the Oxford Road. Terry put the dog bowl out, sat himself down, and we waited for our first customer.

  And waited and waited. Students came and went, but no money.

  ‘Selfish little shites,’ growled Terry. ‘But you wait until they catch on, the money will come raining down. You’ll be eating steak tonight, Lady. Good girl!’ He rubbed my head and I wagged my tail and tried to look cute, but cute don’t catch no carrots. Finally Terry got fed up waiting and started going through his own pockets, looking for a coin.

  ‘We need something to start ’em off,’ he told me. He got out a two pence, all he had in the world, and dropped it in the bowl as a couple of girls walked past. ‘Go on,’ he hissed.

  ‘Thanks, mate,’ I said. One of the girls glanced down at me, then at Terry.

  ‘What?’ she said.

  ‘It wasn’t me, it was the dog. He
re …’ He picked the coin up. ‘She always says thank you. Although 2p – not even a cocktail sausage for that,’ he said, and started giggling and blushing at the same time.

  The girl scowled. ‘I didn’t put any money in.’

  ‘Oh, someone must have.’

  ‘Well, how does she say thank you, then?’

  ‘Try her,’ said Terry, and he wrapped his arms round his legs and grinned like a madman.

  The other girl was getting impatient. ‘Come on, let’s go,’ she said.

  ‘I thought that dog said something.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Thanks, mate. It said, “Thanks, mate.”’

  ‘It’s a she,’ said Terry.

  The girl slapped her bag and laughed. ‘She can’t have …’

  ‘Try her! Try her!’ insisted Terry. So the girl did as she was told. She dug out ten pence, dropped it in …

  ‘Thanks, mate!’ I said loudly.

  ‘Oh my God!’

  ‘Did you hear that!’

  ‘Oh my God!’

  ‘Make her do it again,’ begged the second girl, who couldn’t believe her ears.

  ‘She needs some money first.’

  The girls rummaged about in their bags and came up with more coins. ‘Minimum of ten pence,’ insisted Terry.

  ‘She did it for two pence before,’ said one of the girls, but her friend told her not to be mean. A ten pence dropped in.

  ‘Thanks, mate.’

  Another.

  ‘Thanks, mate.’

  Another.

  ‘Thanks, mate!’ I barked, and they fell around roaring with laughter, just as Terry said they would.

  ‘Thanks, mate, did you hear her? She says thanks!’ spluttered the girls. And the fuss was attracting attention. Other people stopped, a couple of boys, another girl …

  ‘Listen!’ said the first one. ‘It’s a talking dog, listen!’ She chucked in another ten pence.

  ‘Thanks, mate!’ I barked. And it was the same thing all over again. At first they didn’t believe they’d heard right and had to put more money in to be sure; then they killed themselves laughing and had to put more in to get more laughs, and then they wanted to try it on their friends. Everyone wanted a go!