Men with Balls: The Professional Athlete's Handbook
Bad Publicity Factor (1–10): 10. But you will get random marriage proposals while you’re in the pokey. I suggest marrying the first one to send a decent photo. What’s the downside?
Famous Perpetrators: Mike Tyson (scheduled for 2010)
There’s your guide. Apart from drug possession, which I will discuss later on, this pretty much covers it. You have no excuse to go committing crimes now. Unless you can’t read, in which case you can plead ignorance.
Oh, fuck! You said something dumb!
Think a clean police record can save you from being trapped at the bottom of the media port-a-potty? Wrong. All it takes is one mildly controversial viewpoint on a slow news day (usually a Tuesday), and you may as well write the word CHUM in red marker on your head. Most athletes are smart enough to keep their opinions to themselves. It’s a lesson actors never seem to learn. But there have been a few athletes who have expressed a poorly articulated opinion and then paid dearly for it, usually with a small fine and / or a team-mandated forty-five-minute sensitivity-training seminar. Yikes. You don’t want any piece of that. Read now their tales of woe, and be forewarned!
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DID YOU KNOW?
The worst criminal in the history of professional sports was Earl “Stabby” Jameson, an outfielder for the Red Sox back in 1911. Stabby stabbed more than 700 prostitutes that year alone, but journalistic etiquette at the time dictated that a player’s off-the-field exploits were strictly out-of-bounds.
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Case Study #1: John Rocker
The Quote: “Imagine having to take the [Number] 7 train to the ballpark . . . next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It’s depressing.” (from Sports Illustrated)
The Judgment: Racist! You can’t insult every ethnic group like that and expect to get away with it. Who do you think runs the media? That’s right: purple-haired kids and queers with AIDS. There are still millions of minorities and gays who are routinely oppressed in our country on a daily basis. And when you piss those people off, they stay pissed off. They need an outlet for their frustration, and that would be you. If you insult them, they’ll push for a suspension, a public apology, or anything else that constitutes an ultimately Pyrrhic victory. It’s all they have to hold on to. And to think, all Rocker had to do was say, “It’s amazing!” at the end of his diatribe instead of, “It’s depressing,” and he would have been cast in Rent a week later. Moron.
Case Study #2: Kevin Garnett
The Quote: “It’s game seven, man. That’s it. It’s for all the marbles. Sitting in the house, I’m loadin’ up the pump. I’m loadin’ up the Uzi. I got a couple M-16s, a couple nines. I got a couple joints with some silencers on them. I’m just loading clips, a couple grenades. I got a missile launcher with a couple of missiles. I’m ready for war.”
The Judgment: Insensitive! Not to our soldiers overseas, of course. No one pays attention to them anymore. No, Garnett was guilty of being insensitive to the sport of professional football. Everyone knows that football has the market cornered on war metaphors. Those guys are the real heroes. In the NBA, you get whistled for a foul just for thinking about committing a foul. You call that pretend war? I call it bullshit.
Case Study #3: Derek Bell
The Quote: “I ain’t going out there to hurt myself in spring training battling for a job. If it is [open competition], then I’m going into Operation Shutdown.”
The Judgment: Lazy! You can’t half-assyour job simply because you aren’t happy with your current situation at work. Only fans get to do that. In fact, that’s how they were able to sneak out to the ballpark to watch you play.
Case Study #4: Keith Hernandez
The Quote: “I won’t say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don’t belong in the dugout.”
The Judgment: Sexist! You aren’t supposed to give voice to the blatant sexism inherent in your sport. You’re supposed to let it fester just below the surface, where it remains glaringly obvious to everyone without ever having to be addressed. Let women bring up the subject of sexism in sports. That way, all the male fans and writers can make fun of them for getting their panties in a bunch. Also, note that Hernandez brought up the stereotype of women belonging in the kitchen, but didn’t formally endorse it. My friend, just mentioning the stereotype will piss everyone off anyway. You may as well go all the way with it. Say women belong in the kitchen, wearing nothing but an apron, ready to please your appetite both for a sandwich and intercourse simultaneously. At least you’ll be able to say you were truthful.
Case Study #5: Jason “White Chocolate” Williams
The Quote: (to an Asian fan during a game) “I will shoot all you Asian motherfuckers. . . . Do you remember the Vietnam War? I’ll kill y’all just like that.”
The Judgment: Antagonistic! Don’t antagonize fans. Stadium personnel already have an obnoxious PA announcer and the entire Technotronic catalog on hand to do that job for you. Besides, those Asian motherfuckers are quite well trained in shooting people themselves. Do you remember the Vietnam War? They’ll kill y’all just like that.
Case Study #6: Latrell Sprewell
The Quote: (wanting a new deal while then making $14 million a year) “Why would I want to help [the Timberwolves] win a title? They’re not doing anything for me. I’m at risk. I have a lot of risk here. I got my family to feed.”
The Judgment: Insulting! You can feed a family for far less than $14 million a year, unless that family is Prince Fielder’s. This quote is also incomplete, because what Sprewell really said was, “I got my family to feed . . . to my pack of voracious pit bulls.” Don’t publicly complain about your salary. Fans already despise you for who you are. It’s what they live for. There’s no need to give them extra kindling for their burning pyre of hatred.
Case Study #7: Garrison Hearst
The Quote: “Aww, hell no! I don’t want any faggots on my team. I know this might not be what people want to hear, but that’s a punk. I don’t want any faggots in this locker room.”
The Judgment: Homophobic! Look, we already know that gays are not welcome in professional sports. The longer you keep that fact quiet, the longer your league can continue to do nothing about it. It’s just like sexism. Don’t spoil the rampant homophobia for everyone else. Dick. Bashing gays, especially when using a word as insensitive as faggot, will earn you fines, and suspensions, and keep reporters and GLAAD protesters badgering you for months on end. Now you’re the one being buttfucked. Not so much fun now, is it, Mr. Macho?
Case Study #8: Elijah Dukes
The Quote: (to his wife, via voice mail) “You dead, dawg. I ain’t even bullshittin’.”
The Judgment: Stupid voice mail! Elijah Dukes obviously failed to understand that voice mail exists to replay exactly what you said, often multiple times if necessary. If you’re going to threaten someone, for God’s sake, don’t do it over voice mail. For one thing, it’s impersonal. For another, it’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. Seriously, Elijah Dukes might just be the dumbest man on the face of the Earth. I ain’t even bullshittin’.
Case Study #9: Mike Tyson
The Quote: “My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat [Lennox Lewis’s] children. Praise be to Allah!”
The Judgment: Insane! Eating children is only acceptable to the Lau’ii tribes of Papua / New Guinea. The rest of the world will not stand for it. Besides, children are resourceful. One minute, you’re getting ready to enjoy a little Hansel and Gretel Stroganoff, the next minute Hansel’s big poppa is throwing your ass in the oven. Not fun.
Case Study #10: Carl Everett
The Quote: “God created the sun, the stars, the heavens, and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve. The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can’t say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someo
ne actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex.”
The Judgment: Retarded! Seriously, what a fucking dumbass. Step aside, Elijah Dukes. I’ve found me a bigger idiot.
Saying the wrong thing isn’t an automatic career killer. Many athletes have bounced back from the ill-timed faux pas. If you apologize publicly for your comments, keep your big piehole shut, and get back to playing ball, you should find yourself back in everyone’s good graces in no time. After all, we are a country that loves to give people second chances, largely because it gives us a second chance to tear you fuckers down again.
Clippable Motivational Slogan!
Young athletes today lack the cognitive ingenuity and verbal adroitness necessary to be able to pontificate in front of a microphone with any semblance of sagaciousness. HOLY SHIT! LOOK AT THAT LITTLE MONKEY RUN DOWN THE FIELD!
— HOWARD COSELL
Oh, fuck! Reporters! Your guide to the media news cycle.
If you did something wrong, you aren’t immediately going to know it. No, the media enjoys building stories to a long and excruciating crescendo, as a way of punishing both you and the viewer. A quick timeline for you.
DAY 1. This is the day you did something stupid. Because you were stupid enough to do whatever stupid thing it is that you did, chances are you are also too stupid to know that what you did was stupid. Sound complicated? This is because you are stupid. You will spend your day skipping around in a blissful state of ignorance. I suggest going outside and tossing an Aerobie around. It’s like a Frisbee, only gayer!
DAY 2. Still no sign of trouble. You hang out, read TV Guide, and take a nice steam bath. Everything seems to be okay! Cherish this day, because you’re about to get totally reamed.
DAY 3. Your remark / crime / illegal canine mixed martial arts federation is noted deep inside a small local paper with a relatively limited circulation, like the Newark Star-Ledger. You worry for a moment about your transgression going public. But hey, it’s a small paper. Maybe, just maybe, this whole thing will blow over. After all, few people will notice this item. The problem is that the ones who do will say to themselves, “Holy shit! He [raped a puppy / insulted the ambassador to Cambodia / beat a tranny]? What an idiot!” And they will all be journalists.
DAY 4. Your little story is listed in the headlines section of ESPN.com. Uh-oh.
DAY 5. That little ESPN.com story is now a headline on all major AP sports newswires and sports Web sites. The blogs have now picked it up and immediately make the first round of obvious jokes about your incident. Things like, “Well, he does play for the Bengals.” I suggest booking a ticket to Curacao immediately.
DAY 6. Don Yaeger talks to your mother on the phone for an hour before she realizes that he is (a) a reporter, (b) interviewing her for an extended piece about your mistake, and (c) not you.
DAY 7. Yaeger’s scathing blow-by-blow account of your fuck-up is posted on SI.com. It’s one of those five-thousand-word pieces that no one reads. But the AP will do a news story about that news story, gathering together all the most damning quotes from the piece (“That boy was crazy with that shovel!”) in one concise, easy-to-read item. And that will be enough to drive your story into Stage 2 of media overkill. This is when the media takes your story and uses it as a platform to discuss larger social issues. Were you caught with a gun? Then the media will discuss gun control. Arrested on a domestic violence charge? Then the media will discuss society’s endless coddling of athletes. And, no matter what you did, you can expect people to pull the race card and to be outraged that the story has been blown out of proportion (if you’re black) or not blown out of proportion enough (if you’re white). Either way, you are now fucking miserable.
DAY 8. The media camps outside your home, your team’s practice facility, your parents’ house, the courthouse, and your urologist’s office. Remember: if you give them a quote, you’re only adding extra life to the story. So run! Run for your car as fast as you can! You should be able to easily outrun any member of the media.
DAY 9. Your arraignment. You plead no contest. Always plead no contest. It’s what every athlete does. What does no contest mean? No clue.
DAY 10. You issue a press release that serves as both a half-assed apology and a denial. Be sure to mention God in there somewhere. Christians are real suckers for forgiveness when they think you’re one of them. You shut yourself in your home, turning off all the lights and duct-taping the blinds shut, vowing never to come out again.
DAY 11. Another player just choked a stripper! The media retreats and goes off to pick a fresh rotting carcass.
HEAR IT FROM AN ATHLETE!
Obstructing justice in a murder case is especially hard on the person who obstructed justice in a murder case
by Ray Lewis
You come into this league, you’re gonna be dealing with some haters. Oh, you can’t see them now. They ain’t found you yet, like they found me. But they’re out there. These haters . . . these hateraters . . . these agents of hateration . . . these hatemongeraters . . . they’re lying in wait for you. I know. Because they came after me. And you know why? All because I was at the scene when two men were stabbed to death, then fled in a limo rather than call for help, then obstructed justice, then turned rat on my two friends who were there with me.
All because of that.
These haters don’t understand my pain. They don’t believe in God, like I do. They don’t believe in salvation, like I do. These haters in the media, and on the Internet, and in the stands, and in the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and in the way-back of my conscience, they’re not interested in learning the deeper truth.
They don’t understand that obstructing justice in a murder case is especially hard on the person who obstructed justice in a murder case.
Yeah, those guys that got stabbed probably aren’t too happy about being dead. But what about me? What about what I went through? My God. There were nights . . . I couldn’t sleep. No joke. All I could think was, Is this gonna be the end of my career? Am I gonna have to forfeit the prorated portion of my signing bonus? What will become of Ray Lewis and his lucrative endorsement deal with Converse? Did Richard Lollar and Jacinth Baker ever have to worry about that? HELL 2 DA NAW! No, they probably went straight up to heaven and are just sittin’ pretty now. Okay? They didn’t have to deal with all this media-circus bullshit. They didn’t have to go look their teammates in the eye and say, “Brother, I let you down.” They didn’t have to receive a huge contract extension a year later. They didn’t have to do any of that. Ray Lewis did. They got off clean. Me? I had to spend two whole days repenting for what I did. What did those two guys know about personal anguish? Nothing. They ain’t lived through what Ray Lewis has had to live through. Probably because they are dead now.
This is what you’re gonna have to deal with now that you’re a professional. This is what the media does. They build you up into a bigass hero. Then, when you obstruct justice after two people are stabbed, they knock your ass down. Like those reporters don’t have anything to hide. No skeletons in their limos. Well, they’re liars. Hippopotamuses.
See, these people don’t have God inside them. They judge me, without seeing the whole story. They don’t see Ray Lewis, the Super Bowl MVP. They don’t see Ray Lewis preaching at church every third Sunday of the month. They don’t see all that I’ve done to atone for my sins, and then some. No, all they do is keep their minds closed and judge me based on one mistake I made. Well, two mistakes.
(rises up)
BUT I AM NOT ABOUT TO STAND FOR THAT HATE, MY FRIEND! I AM NOT GOING TO LET THOSE HATERS GET TO MY SOUL, ASSUMING THAT I HAVE ONE! NO, I AIN’T! I AM NOT GOING TO LET THEM CHANGE WHO RAY LEWIS IS, EVEN IF THAT COULD POTENTIALLY BE FOR THE BETTER! I AM NOT GOING TO LET THE FAMILIES OF THE VICTIMS CONTACT ME EXCEPT THROUGH MY LAWYER! CAN YOU FEEL ME NOW, MY BROTHER? CAN YOU FEEL THE REDEMPTION? PREACHER RAY IS PUTTING ON A SHOW FOR YOU! PREACHER RAY IS SHOWING YOU THE TRUE PATH TO SALVATION! IT IS NOT THROUGH HATE! IT IS THR
OUGH LOVING YOURSELF, AND NEVER FINDING ANY FAULT WITH YOURSELF! HALLELUJAH!
How you feel now? You feeling me? Now, I’ve learned how to block all that shit out. I don’t read the papers anymore. I don’t listen to the radio or to fans or to my own inner monologue. I don’t have room for haters in my life. I am all about the positive, the now, the future. I just keep my nose to the grindstone and keep on goin’ with God.
And by God, of course, I mean me, Ray Lewis.
DAY 12. Almost all the media have abandoned the story and dissipated from your home. A few tenacious ones remain, but they can be easily frightened by a hungry Rottweiler.
DAY 13. You step out of your home and witness sunlight for the first time in seventy-two hours. You breathe in the fresh oxygen. Ahhhhhh! Finally, your ordeal is over.
DAY 14. FUCK! SOMEONE HAS VIDEO!
DAY 15. Repeat the past two weeks. Search for a sturdy rafter in your basement.
Oh, fuck! You took performance-enhancing drugs!
You already know performance-enhancing drugs have the potential to petrify your testicles. But here are ten other things you may not know about them.
1. THE PRESSURE TO TAKE THEM CAN BE ENORMOUS. There is great pressure in professional sports to take illicit substances that can help you become faster, stronger, and douchier. After all, the league minimum salary in most sports is only in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. That’s not enough money to live an unnecessarily opulent and shallow lifestyle. You’re going to feel an awful lot of peer pressure when Gary Sheffield comes strolling through that clubhouse wearing an actualsize gold medallion of his own head. Steroids could mean the difference between just scraping by and living in a house with its own rotunda. Is that worth possible side effects such as infertility, severe rectal acne, and making the sport of baseball more interesting? For many, the answer is yes.