The Stranger's Woes

  “Well,” said Juffin, “if you say so. I think I already know where you’re headed to refresh your memory of the forgotten taste of kamra.”

  “To the Armstrong & Ella, of course,” I said, putting on my black-and-gold looxi and the Mantle of Death, which I had been missing as much as everything else. “But you must go there with me. The only way I can apologize to Tekki for being away for so long is to bring along a good customer.”

  “As for Lady Shekk, she was the only person who didn’t panic about it,” said Juffin. “To tell you the truth, when Maba told me you were nowhere to be found—not in any of the Worlds at all—I felt the ground sinking underneath my feet. That hadn’t happened to me in a long, long time. But your girlfriend kept smiling mysteriously and saying you were going to be all right.”

  “She did?” I said. “Who would have thought? According to the genre of tragic romance she should have fallen down unconscious and then come to, only to die of happiness in my arms. It’s great that Tekki doesn’t go in for melodrama.”

  “Are you sure you want to walk?” said Juffin, opening the door for me. “It’s a long way to the Street of Forgotten Dreams.”

  “I know, but I’d still rather go on foot,” I said. I carefully put my foot on the mosaic sidewalk. What if it disappeared? But no, the motley colored pebbles were very real.

  While I was away, wandering Magicians know where, fall had come to Echo, and it was beautiful—better than all other seasons, which are also magnificent. A gust of wind from the river almost tore the turban off my head. I laughed.

  “That’s right. A strong, cold wind from the Xuron is exactly what I need right now. Maybe then I’ll finally realize that I really see you, and I’m not dreaming.”

  “Does it really matter whether you’re dreaming or not? What’s important is that you do see me,” said Juffin. “All right, then. If you want to go on foot, we’ll walk. Today is your day. You can be as spoiled as you wish. You know, you look different. Older, maybe?”

  “Maybe,” I said with a sigh. “Magicians only know how much time I spent there. And I promised Melifaro that he wouldn’t even begin to miss me.”

  “Yes, that was an example of poor judgment on your part. He did miss you. But you know Melifaro. He’s a whirlwind. He’s always ahead of himself.”

  “You’re so right, Juffin,” I said, surprised at the mixture of tenderness and causticity in his voice.

  Then I remembered something and gave Juffin a puzzled look.

  “Whatever happened to the undead? I never got around to bringing any holy water. I completely forgot. Gosh, that’s so typical of me. That was the reason I went on the blasted trip in the first place.”

  “Well, let’s just say that that dubious potion was just a pretext, but you probably knew that already. There are many ways of going insane when two Worlds begin to claim their rights to you. Anyway, that was the worst idea you could have come up with, Max. Your so-called holy water can’t hurt any evil spirits in your World, much less ours.”

  “Are there evil spirits in my World, too?”

  Then I remembered whom I had turned into when I was there and blushed.

  “I’m sorry, I said something stupid again. I guess evil exists everywhere and takes many forms.”

  “Is this the opinion of an expert?” said Juffin with a wink. “I should very much like to know what you were doing there all this time. And why couldn’t Maba find you? Usually, if he does something, he does it well, and thoroughly. What was happening to you there, do you remember?”

  “You know, I’m afraid I really didn’t exist and really was nowhere to be found. You see, I was a Tipfinger,” I said. “By mistake, my chatterbox of a mouth set free the creature that had been driving my streetcar. Remember Sir Maba telling us about him, and telling me that sooner or later I’d have to deal with him?”

  “You bet I do,” said Juffin, shaking his head. “Some news, huh? All right, no need to explain anything. I don’t think your incoherent story is capable of satisfying my curiosity. Praise be the Magicians, I have quite a few methods of learning about all the details myself. That’s why you’re spending the night at my place tonight. Chuff will be thrilled, as you might expect.”

  “That would be great, but what about Tekki? Don’t you think she’ll object?”

  “Maybe she will, a little,” said Juffin. “I love it when people object and stand up to me. It makes life so much more interesting.”

  “You’ve always been a tyrant and a despot,” I said, smiling. “But seriously, what happened to the undead? I really want to know because, boy, did they wear me out!”

  “I can imagine. Bad timing, huh? But you were great. Kofa still can’t calm down after what you did. I think he wouldn’t mind if you stayed in my chair forever. Your working methods rattled him to the core. Especially all those breakfasts, lunches, and dinners.”

  “Are you making fun of me?” I said.

  “A little. As for the undead, they’re quite all right. I’ll introduce you to them tomorrow.”

  “To the corpses?”

  I was so surprised that I didn’t notice the thick trunk of a Vaxari tree. I bumped my head on it and moaned.

  “They are not corpses. I guess I was wrong—you haven’t changed at all,” said Juffin, laughing. “That’s the good old Max I know so well. Anyway, Sir Nanka Yok, Grand Magician of the Order of the Long Path, desperately wants to meet you. He’s very eager to meet the man who almost ruined his plans, and then made things right again.”

  “Plans? What plans?” I said. “He’s a bit confused, your Nanka Yok. I can guarantee you that while you were away, I wasn’t fighting any Magicians, grand or not so grand.”

  “You still don’t get it, Max. Whatever happened to your quick wit?” Juffin shook his head in disapproval. “There were no corpses. What you saw at the Green Petta Cemetery were the members of the Order of the Long Path. A few dozen millennia ago, almost as far back as the time of Xalla Maxun the Hairy, they voluntarily descended underground to become immortal. Don’t ask me to explain how they did it. I’ll let Nanka himself tell you about it. He’s quite fond of confabulating on this subject.”

  “Fond of confabulating?” I said. “When I tried to communicate with him, all he said was ‘U-u-u-u-u-uh.’ That was the end of our fruitful confabulation, if I remember correctly.”

  “But of course,” said Juffin. “They needed to stay on the surface a few days to become human. Instead, you kept killing them: you burned them, you buried them, you did Magicians-know-what with them. So they had to start all over again, every time. But your idea about the statues was only to their advantage. They simply stayed in their stone clothing a few days and finally became human. Nanka himself, however, had already visited Kofa at the House by the Bridge and explained to him what was going on.”

  “But how?” I said. “Did he walk around Echo clad in liquid stone? I’m sure it was quite a spectacle. Too bad I missed it.”

  “Oh, no,” said Juffin. “Nanka had escaped from you earlier—not from you but, rather, from the police. Lieutenant Chekta Jax lost him, but was afraid to tell you.”

  “I’m going to kill him,” I said.

  “Easy does it, boy,” said Juffin. “I’ve already discussed the matter with him, so your little vendetta can wait. He’s already been put through the mill. By the way, you should have caught a glimpse of a guilty secret in the depths of his eyes. You’ll learn in due time, I suppose. Sir Nanka Yok is indeed a powerful creature. A true Grand Magician, one of the Ancients. Even in the twilight state he was in, he managed to escape the terrified policemen and crawl off to a safe distance beyond your firing range. Then he lay in the bushes for about six days. When he had finally become human, he went straight to the House by the Bridge.”

  “But how did he know about the House by the Bridge? As far as I know, it didn’t exist back when he was alive.”

  “A hole in the heavens above your scruffy head, Max! As you might have guessed, a creat
ure as powerful as Magician Nanka Yok was easily able to read the minds of the policemen who were hanging around.”

  “Of course. I guess I’m not in the best shape right now. Mackie was right.”

  “You saw Mackie?” Juffin’s eyebrows shot upward and almost disappeared underneath his turban.

  “No, I didn’t see him, but I talked to him. Twice. Once at the very beginning of my foolish undertaking, and then again recently, right at the end. The second time, Mackie sent me a call himself and told me how to get out. Maybe I could have figured it out myself, maybe not. I don’t know. But I think I’m forever in his debt.”

  “Well, I’ll be,” said Juffin. “That sly old Mackie Ainti never helps anyone. Congratulations, Max. His affection for you knows no bounds. The fundamental philosophy of my dear mentor has always been to leave people to their own devices and watch what happens.”

  “I’m just lucky,” I said. Then I added, “You know, Juffin, I was in such a scrape that I think even Mackie got curious.”

  “You can bet he did. I am burning with curiosity myself. I can’t wait for you to start dozing off so I can learn all the details of your fact-finding expedition.”

  “I’m sure I’ll be dozing off sooner than you think,” I said, yawning. “I just need to say hello to Tekki and then hit the sack. I feel like I haven’t slept for years. Maybe you’ll be able to find out about that, too.”

  “About what? About how long your were awake?”

  “About how many years I spent there,” I said. “I feel I’ve been away for a very, very long time. Much longer than forty-nine days.”

  “I’m sure I’ll be able to find that out,” said Juffin. “We’re here, Max. Don’t you recognize the place?”

  “Of course I do,” I said. I smiled and rushed through the slightly open door of the Armstrong & Ella. How could I not have recognized it!

  “What swamp did the werewolves drag you off to this time, sweetheart?” werewolves drag you off to this time, sweetheart?” said Tekki, smiling at me from behind the bar. “Sinning Magicians, you’re under convoy! Sir Juffin, are you taking him to Xolomi? How sweet of you.”

  “Don’t get your hopes up,” said Juffin. “I’m not going to let him loaf around in Xolomi. He’s had enough loafing for years to come. But don’t get too excited, girl. Even if this connoisseur of long walks has managed to drag his feet to your tavern, he’s not likely to be in the kind of physical condition you’re counting on.”

  “I see you’ve become good friends,” I said, giving Tekki a hug.

  “Oh, goodness! You reek of other Worlds. I could smell it a mile away. Still, better that than somebody else’s perfume,” she said, burying her face in my shoulder. “Of course we’ve become friends. I needed someone’s shoulder to cry on, and Sir Juffin’s looxi was just the thing to dry my tears.”

  “Right,” said Juffin, settling down on a barstool. “If anyone, it was I who cried on her shoulder and dried my tears with the fold of her skaba. And wise Lady Shekk stroked my hair and told me you were going to be all right.”

  “And I was right, as you can plainly see,” said Tekki, bending over a small burner. “I know why you’re here, sweetheart. And it’s not for hugs and kisses. You’re dying to have a mug of my kamra.”

  “I am literally dying to have it,” I said, sitting down next to Juffin. “But you’re wrong about hugs and kisses. They go very well with your kamra.”

  “I so want to believe that,” said Tekki with a smile, and she raised her eyes to look at me.

  Her eyes were so sad that I couldn’t feel the floor under my feet, no matter how much she smiled. For a split second, her face seemed much older to me. It looked so much like the face of the kind lady from Nuremberg that I almost fell off the stool.

  “So it was you, Tekki?” I said, quietly. “You caught me chatting with the stone lion on the bridge and then gave me your pocket mirror. Or did I just imagine it?”

  Tekki didn’t say anything. She put a jug of kamra before us and turned away. She went to great lengths to show me that she had no idea what I was talking about.

  “I knew you’d be bold enough to send your Shadow after him, girl,” said Juffin. “I was almost sure of it.”

  “My Shadow?” said Tekki. “What are you talking about? I have no idea what you mean. You must be mixing me up with my infamous daddy again, sir.”

  Her black eyes looked at us warily and even flashed a bit with anger.

  “Okay, you can keep your secrets,” I said. “I just wanted to thank you . . . or your Shadow.”

  “I don’t have any secrets, I’m telling you.” She was smiling again, and her eyes were no longer wary or sad. “How do you think I could have pulled that off, Max?” she said. “I’m not too keen on running after men myself, and to send my Shadow chasing after them—that would be simply ridiculous.”

  “Not after ‘them,’ just me,” I protested.

  “Well, it might chase after you,” said Tekki, quite unexpectedly. “But my Shadow would never be so frivolous as to drink wine in the company of a stranger. Even one as cute as you. It must have been someone else’s Shadow.”

  “A cute one, huh?” I said.

  My hearts were beating like crazy. So she knew that I had treated Theia to a glass of wine. Not tea or coffee or beer, but wine. She can say all she wants about just guessing, and I’ll pretend that I believe in coincidences, I thought.

  I took a small sip of kamra from my mug and smiled. Forget coffee. Nothing could be better than Tekki’s kamra.

  Half an hour later, I couldn’t keep my head up or my eyes open. I could hardly move my tongue in my mouth.

  “I wish you knew how much I love you guys,” I mumbled, falling asleep.

  I could have come up with something less banal, but as I already mentioned, I wasn’t in the best shape and couldn’t manage anything but the truth.

  “Right, now you only have to marry us both,” said Juffin, and he laughed so loudly that the panes in the windows trembled. But even that didn’t wake me up.

  In my sleep I heard Juffin talking to Tekki. He said something about taking me with him solely because it was absolutely necessary.

  “Solely because he is absolutely insidious,” I mumbled to their utter delight. Then I fell asleep for good. I slept so soundly that poor Juffin, I’m sure, had to drag me to the amobiler by the scruff of the neck. Then again, he could have dragged me by the feet. I wouldn’t put it past him.

  I woke up because someone was licking my nose. I couldn’t remember Tekki ever doing that to me before. Where have I ended up this time? I thought, opening my eyes.

  Chuff, Juffin’s fluffy canine with the endearing face of a bulldog, was sitting on my chest. I laughed and kissed him on his small, moist nose.

  “Well, I’ll be. Not only did you occupy my bed, you also stole the heart of my trusty old dog.”

  Sir Juffin stood in the doorway shaking his head.

  “Sinning Magicians,” he said. “I was obviously better off without you. What’s true is true.”

  “Let this be a lesson for you. Next time you’ll think twice before taking me away from my beloved, especially after a long separation.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” said Juffin. “Then I’ll write a book. A popular guide to handling Sir Max. It’ll be a big hit among university professors and petty criminals.”

  “So, what do you think about my adventure? Did you get to the bottom of it?” I said, trying to remain serious. I didn’t succeed. I still couldn’t believe that what was happening was real. It was simply too good to be true.

  “Quite an adventure it was, let me tell you,” said Juffin. “In all honesty, you should quit the Minor Secret Investigative Force and found your own Order. It’s too bad the Epoch of Orders has been laid to rest once and for all.”

  “So, we’ll just leave everything the way it is, then?” I said. “Do I have thirty minutes to wash up and get ready?”

  “Ten minutes,” said Juffin. “I
t’s almost noon, and I’m still babysitting you. Knowing you, you won’t leave the house without a mug of kamra, so I don’t know when we’re going to get to Headquarters. And everybody’s waiting for you there. Sir Melifaro is itching to give you a shiner, I’m sure. Your disappearance shook him to the core. He was gloomy and sad for almost a dozen days. It pained me to look at him. I’m willing to bet that you’re going to have to pay dearly for it now.”

  “I guess I am. I’m going to have to hide behind the back of Sir Lonli-Lokli. I once saved Shurf’s life, so it’s time for him to return the favor.”

  I set a meaningless personal record and managed to dip myself into all eleven pools in Juffin’s house in just under ten minutes. I put on a black skaba while my body was still wet and took a close look at my reflection in the mirror.

  I didn’t see anything extraordinary there. I did, however, look somewhat older. I could make out a few shallow but visible wrinkles at the corners of my mouth, and there was another much deeper vertical crease between my eyebrows. But it was still my face. Well, almost. I looked closer. Yes, there was something indeterminate, something unfinished in my face now. Something that didn’t quite let me focus.

  “Do you like what you see, handsome?” Juffin asked from behind my back.

  I looked around, embarrassed. “It’s not bad. But don’t you think there’s something wrong with it?”

  “Let’s eat breakfast,” said Juffin. “Do you remember what your friend Mackie looks like?”

  “As if it’s possible for anyone to remember his face. You know that yourself,” I said, heading upstairs into the dining room. “Wait, are you saying that it’s the same with my face now?”

  “That is exactly what I’m saying. I can only assume that when he was young and foolish, Mackie got himself into similar trouble. Funny.”