Story of a Sociopath

  “You mean, you wouldn’t work with me?”

  “Don’t ask me to, Thomas.”

  “Is there any chance that you’ll say yes?”

  “I don’t think so. I’d prefer to continue living in New York. And in case you were wondering, I’m against fracking. Besides, you don’t really need me. Call that Philip Sullivan guy you introduced me to. He’ll do whatever you ask. He admires you.”

  “All right. And what do you think about Janet McCarthy?”

  “The television communications professor? She seems like a nice woman, so I don’t know if she’ll run for the hills as soon as you propose something that she considers not right. You’re running a risk.”

  “Esther, I need you.”

  “Maybe you do.”

  “If you don’t want to work with me, at least accept my first proposal. Let’s get married.”

  “You want to have someone at home you can talk to about everything that’s happening and who will give you good advice. But that’s not love.”

  “For God’s sake, don’t keep repeating that! I don’t know what love is, at least not the way you understand it, but I do know that I don’t want to be with anyone else but you for the rest of my life. Is that not enough?”

  “I’m afraid not. Call me any time you want. I’ll listen to you and give you my honest opinion.”

  “I still haven’t said yes to Roy and I don’t know if I want to keep living in London either.”

  “Of course you do, that’s why you stayed in London. You’ll say yes.”

  “I want you to marry me.”

  “We’ll talk about that later. We have time to make that decision.”

  —

  I had to accept her answer. At the time it was the most I could get from her. But I started to realize that Esther was becoming an obsession. I thought that she was the only one who would be loyal and would help me, come what may. It would be difficult to convince her to work for me, but at least if we got married I would have her by my side. I was surprised at her romantic streak, but if I wanted to get her to accept my marriage proposal I needed to behave like an idiotic person in love. That same day I went to a flower shop with branch offices in New York and arranged for them to deliver a dozen red roses every day. It was a start. I’d think of something else later.

  Roy took me to dinner to tell me he was annoyed with me.

  “You’re a brat. You nearly ruined everything.”

  “You know, Roy? I’m sick of your games. Either you tell me the whole truth or I’m out. I don’t like being taken for a fool.”

  “I’ve told you everything you wanted to know and I introduced you to my partners, what more do you want?” he snapped.

  “Those are not your partners, Roy. Those men represent a conglomerate of different interests. You are a pawn. Nothing more. Don’t be mistaken. Of course you’ll reap some benefit, but if you think they consider you to be one of them, then the joke’s on you.”

  “I’ve done well until now. I’m a lot richer than when I met them and now I’m mayor.”

  “They’ll clip your wings when they don’t need you anymore. You’re not one of them,” I insisted.

  “No, I don’t go skiing in Switzerland, nor do I get invited to dinner parties where men do business over a glass of champagne. I don’t rub shoulders with the ‘big boys’ yet, but I’ll get there soon. Give me time and you’ll see.”

  “What are you after, money or power?”

  “Aren’t they one and the same?”

  “Not exactly. There are men who have fought for power without caring about money.”

  “I don’t believe that; in the end, money and power always converge.”

  I didn’t argue. I could have given him a few examples of men who fought for the power to change things, but never cared about money or simply enjoyed the thrill of imposing their will on others. But there was no way I could persuade him, so it wasn’t worth trying.

  “Are you going to work at GCP with Lerman?”

  “Roy, I have a problem with you: I don’t trust you anymore.”

  “Come on, Thomas, I can’t always show you all my cards. I needed to make sure I could trust you, to see whether you really are worth what you think you are. Nobody in their right mind would have told a stranger everything you now know.”

  “And you’re not worried about what I know?”

  “Were you worried about ruining Frank Wilson and Jimmy Doyle? One of them you presented as an adulterer and the other almost as a thief. Not only did you manage to get them out of the election, but you also ruined their lives. Now we both know what kind of shit we’re made of.”

  “Touché.”

  “It’s surprising that you, being so young, could be so evil. I’m no saint myself. That doesn’t mean we don’t love our families. I love Suzi and the children and you love your family, but that does not make us good people.”

  I was about to retort that I doubted he loved Suzi; he didn’t seem to give her much thought when we went to see Madame Agnès. And he couldn’t imagine how little I cared about my family. But I kept my mouth shut.

  “Get that appointment with their man, Bernard Schmidt, and I’ll see what I decide. But my advice is that you shouldn’t try to fly too high, or they’ll clip—”

  “My wings. You said that already,” he cut in with a smirk.

  “All they need is your in-laws’ land, they don’t need you,” I said.

  “You think I don’t know that? I’ve hopped onto the wagon and I’m not going to let them push me off when they don’t need me. Don’t worry, I know how to look after my interests, and I will also know how to look after yours.”

  “Make no mistake, Roy, our interests are different. It may be that I work at GCP for a while, but I won’t be your slave or theirs.”

  —

  Esther was right. I stayed in London because I planned to accept Roy’s offer. I didn’t know why. Still, it all depended on the interview with Schmidt.

  I’d started to think about whom I could hire among those who had already worked for me. One thing I was sure of: Philip Sullivan would be the first person I’d turn to.

  Philip kept calling me to ask what my plans were and whether I intended to stay in London. But neither Janet nor my former assistant, Richard Craig, had called me after I’d returned to London. I had been someone of no importance who had passed through their lives. Neither ever entertained the possibility of having me as a friend. Janet, because she was a prude who spent her life fussing over her cat and the minutiae of university life. As for Richard, he didn’t see me as an equal. He was an aristocrat who thought I was nothing but an American rich kid with no class. And he was right. Richard was always horrified by my clothes, which usually displayed brand logos. He considered this to be in bad taste. He never told me so, but he didn’t need to: the look on his face was enough.

  In addition to Philip Sullivan, I planned to make Maggie an offer. She was a good secretary. A skeptic, and efficient. And she needed money. If I offered her a good salary perhaps she would consider leaving Scott & Roth. And of course Neil would be key. He’d proven himself to be an exceptional researcher who didn’t mind sticking his nose where it shouldn’t be. I didn’t care about his alcohol and drug problems. That was his business as long as he did the work I asked of him.

  For a couple of days, I had nothing to do. I was waiting for Roy to call me to confirm my appointments, first with Leopold Lerman, then with Bernard Schmidt. The inactivity was making me anxious, so I decided to go to New York to see Esther. If Roy called me, I’d tell him that both Lerman and Schmidt would have to wait.

  —

  It was snowing in New York. But that wasn’t a surprise. When I arrived home only María was there. My father was at the office and my brother, Jaime, had returned to Harvard, where he was now attending law school while combining his studies with work at a prestigious firm in Boston.

  María wasn’t happy to see me, nor I her. She said my room was ready. ?
??Your father instructed me to keep your room ready, in case you turned up,” she said. I didn’t reply. I unpacked, took a shower, and phoned Esther, who didn’t seem surprised that I was in town. She was at the agency and in the afternoon she had to go and teach at Paul’s academy, so we arranged for me to pick her up there and go out for dinner.

  I had a few hours to kill so I got into bed and fell asleep. It was around four when María entered my room. It infuriated me that she did so without knocking.

  “Your father just arrived. He says he’ll see you in the study and that I should make you a bite to eat.”

  “No need, I’ll be going out for dinner.”

  “Sure, but you need to eat something, you haven’t had anything all day.”

  “I’ve been asleep,” I reminded her.

  “That’s what I mean.” She left, slamming the door.

  John was sitting in his old armchair reviewing some papers with a whiskey in his hand. When he saw me he got up and tried to give me a hug, which I avoided by extending my hand for a handshake.

  “I’m happy to see you,” he said.

  “I’m only here for a couple of days,” I replied.

  “This is your home, you can stay as long as you want.”

  “Just two days, then I’ll be back in London.”

  “I thought you’d decided to set up camp in New York, find work here.”

  “I’ve received a job offer. If we reach an agreement I’ll stay there.”

  “What about that girl, Esther? You said you wanted to marry her.”

  “Yes. But we still haven’t decided on it. Getting married is a decision that requires two people, you know. Anyway, I’m going to get ready. I’m going out to dinner with her.”

  “It’s still a few hours till dinner and María told me you haven’t even had coffee.”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  At that moment, María entered with a tray. I was tempted to say I didn’t want anything, but I couldn’t resist the warm ham and cheese sandwich.

  “I’d like to speak with you. We have a few things to discuss,” said John.

  “There’s not much to be said, don’t you think?”

  “Who are you angry at, Thomas? Me? Your brother? What have we done to you?”

  “You’ve made me live a lie.”

  “Jaime didn’t know anything.”

  “Maybe he didn’t.”

  “As for Carmela…Your mother and I agreed that the best thing would be for you to live a normal life. I accepted you as my son, I’ve loved you and still love you like a son. There was no reason to tell you…that I was not your biological father. Do you really think it matters? I don’t think so, Thomas.”

  “Well, it does. So much so that my mother didn’t want to die without telling me.”

  “Your mother suffered a lot, yes; she never forgave herself for what happened to her when she was young, but she never regretted bringing you into the world. She didn’t understand the reason for your attitude. The more she tried to be near you the more you rejected her. That led her to believe that she had to wash away her sins, and that if you only knew you’d be able to forgive and even love her.”

  “Well, she didn’t achieve that.”

  “Why are you so cruel to everyone and to yourself? You have no right. We’ve always loved you: your mother, your grandparents, your brother, me. You’ll never be able to say you weren’t loved.”

  “It was all a huge lie.”

  “No, no, it wasn’t. That’s where you’ve got it wrong. There hasn’t been one shred of a lie in the love we all feel for you. Whether you like it or not, to me you are my son; that’s how I feel, that’s what I want. My parents and Aunt Emma feel the same way. You are their grandson, her nephew. They can’t think of you any other way. Grandma Dorothy is devastated because of your attitude. You didn’t even let her give you a kiss. And Emma…You were always her favorite nephew, and you know it.”

  “Do you want me to thank you all for your pity?”

  I noticed John was struggling to hold back a tear. He’d grown old and his face bared his desolation. If I was another kind of person I would have felt moved.

  Yes, I should have reached out and hugged him, made him feel like I loved him. The scene could have been like this:

  “I’m sorry, Dad, I never intended to make you suffer. It’s just that Mama’s confession was so painful…But I love you, and I loved her too. I love you all—you, my brother, my grandparents, Aunt Emma. You’re my family and you always will be. I would never be able to love another father who isn’t you. You are the best in the world. Thank you for accepting me as your son.”

  —

  I could have said this. I could have made him aware of how important he had been to me, and still was. But I didn’t; I didn’t say any of those words because the resentment that I held within was a thick fog that kept any other feeling from emerging. I couldn’t even feel pity for that man who loved me so sincerely.

  I finished eating my sandwich, completely ignoring his pain. I was tempted to say that I would take all my things out of the apartment and that they would never see me again. But I thought it was better to be practical. I didn’t know what the future might have in store and it was better to keep one foot here…making him and the rest of the family, of course, feel like they owed me something for their deceit.

  “What do you want me to do, Thomas? Tell me. If I have to ask for your forgiveness, I will.” I heard John’s voice falter.

  “Why don’t we leave it be? There’s nothing that can be done. Things are what they are.”

  And I went out of the study, leaving him alone with his despair. I thought I heard a whimper and I picked up my pace to get to my room as quickly as I could. I had another shower and went out with no destination in mind. I needed to kill time until I picked Esther up. I don’t know why I ended up in front of Tiffany. I looked in the shop window, remembering the movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I didn’t think that Esther could remain indifferent if presented with one of those Tiffany rings.

  I’d earned enough money to be able to spend a good amount on the gift. But it had to be a discreet ring: Esther was discreet, and she would never wear a big, flashy stone. I spent an hour with a nice saleslady whom I got to try on an endless number of rings to see what they’d look like when worn. In the end, I went for the most modest one, an engagement ring with diminutive diamonds. Esther would be able to wear it without fearing that it would draw too much attention.

  I asked the saleslady what kinds of things a girl might like on the day she is proposed to. She gave me a few ideas. Thankfully, with a cell phone and a credit card you can make miracles happen. I went into a café and made a few phone calls. Then I went to Paul’s academy. I was early. Esther was still in class, but Paul welcomed me, delighted.

  “Wow, it’s good to see you. I’ve been told that you’ve triumphed in Europe. I never doubted you’d make it. You have some survival instinct. Tell me all about your adventures.”

  I told him about the Green operation and Paul laughed heartily.

  “So you deceived a few villagers and a Chinese guy. Well done.”

  “Well, I didn’t really deceive them. Everyone won in the end.”

  “Especially you.”

  I didn’t say anything, but I thought that if one day I had my own business I’d hire Paul. He was a washout, but had talent. Of course, I didn’t know whether he was unscrupulous enough to be able to do certain things. Maybe he was. Paul was always short of money and the academy made barely enough for him to survive. His teachers were always leaving because he paid them too late. Esther was owed her last two months’ pay.

  “Brands are advertising less and keep asking for lower prices. Even the big agencies lay off people from time to time. You don’t know how many old colleagues have knocked on these doors begging me to let them teach a couple of classes,” Paul told me.

  Esther came out of class. She smiled when she saw Paul and me chatting like old friends.
She barely brushed my cheek when she kissed me.

  Paul insisted on the three of us having a drink, but I refused.

  “Another day. Today I need to talk to Esther about something important.”

  “Are you going to propose?” he asked, curious.

  “If I were I wouldn’t tell you before her.”

  We found a taxi two blocks away from the academy. I’d booked a table at one of the trendy restaurants in SoHo, which I thought Esther would like. I couldn’t wait to give her the ring.

  We had dinner and laughed, talking about all sorts of things. I insisted on ordering soufflé for dessert.

  “But you don’t usually eat sweet things,” she remembered.

  “But this is a special evening.”

  She looked at me, intrigued, and was surprised when I took the box wrapped in Tiffany paper out of my jacket pocket. I had asked the saleslady not to give me a bag so as not to spoil the surprise.

  “And what is this?” she asked, staring at the little package.

  “Open it.”

  “But…I don’t know…”

  “Please!”

  She tore the paper off and looked at the box before opening it. Her eyes shone with astonishment when she saw that symphony of tiny diamonds. She wouldn’t dare take the ring or even try it on. It was me who took it out and put it on her finger.

  “I’d like this to be the engagement ring, but if you are determined not to marry me I hope at least you never take it off and remember me always.”

  Esther looked at the ring and then at me without knowing what to do, but I realized she’d been moved; not so much by the diamonds as by what I’d said.

  “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget you,” she whispered.

  “Then I won’t give up on the hope that you won’t need to forget me simply because we’ll be together. I feel…Well, I wish I could be more romantic, but I am what I am and I can’t deceive you. If it’s any use to you, I’ll say these days I’ve thought about you so much my head hurts, and you know what? I think you’re the most adorable woman in the world.”