Life on the Level: On the Verge - Book Three

  If he wants to avoid me, fine.

  I just want to explain that I do love him. It’s just that I don’t know how to say it.

  The girls decide to get dressed together in Vilma and Jermania’s double room. Vilma paints herself a unibrow to look like Frida Khalo. I part Jermania’s hair and give her two Princess Leia Buns. Julie spins in her reused prom dress, smiling like I’ve never seen before.

  “What are you supposed to be?” she asks me.

  I stand up and hold my arms out. I spin, and my pink skirt billows around me. I’ve covered my skin in glitter and confetti, and brushed my hair into a high bun at the top of my head. Vilma decided to do my makeup with things from our pooled supply.

  “I’m a cupcake!” I say.

  She makes a face, like she doesn’t see it.

  We head down early. I’ve never gotten somewhere early for anything. Look at me! I’m responsible.

  Helen comes over and puts her hand on my shoulder. “Great job, River.”

  I dip into a little curtsy and go to the food table to stuff my face with sugar, while keeping an eye out for Hutch. Ransom declares himself DJ for the night, which is fine because, if it were anyone else, I’m sure all we’d be listening to is Hank Williams.

  Randy is dressed in the same clothes he wore on family day.

  “What are you supposed to be?”

  He leans into me and smirks. “I’m my father when he was younger.”

  “You don’t need therapy at all.”

  He pulls me onto the dance floor and spins me around to a Michael Jackson song. He keeps glancing over my shoulder.

  “What do you keep looking at?” I ask.

  He tries to hold me in place to keep me from turning around, but I know who he’s watching. And Pete’s watching us back. He looks pissed off, and his eyes are on me. Randy and I are not dancing sensually at all, but by the look in Pete’s eyes we might as well be naked.

  I spin back around and grin at Randy. “Oh my God.”

  Randy rolls his eyes. “Shut up.”

  I grab him by the shoulders. “Relax, I’m not going to say anything. But it totally makes sense.”

  He deflates and shakes his head. “I guess. Pete’s really cute and sweet. He’s the person I wish I could be if I wasn’t so fucked up.”

  I grab his face and make him look at me. “Listen to me, I’m not going to give you any life advice because I’m pretty terrible at life myself. But you shouldn’t hide who you are.”

  “You know, the first time my dad caught me with a guy was in junior high. I thought he was going to beat the life out of me. Almost did. So I told him it was a mistake, and then I just figured out a way to start having sex with girls.”

  “Viagra?”

  “For the past ten years.”

  “That’s the most horrific thing I’ve ever heard, and I watched a guy get tortured for owing twenty grand to the Italian mob. How has your heart not given out?”

  “You don’t get it. You’re from New York, where anything goes. My dad won’t give me my trust fund unless I get clean and find a wife.”

  I stop laughing. “It was ten years ago. Don’t you think… he might be ready to listen again? I watched my uncle get married to another man surrounded by his Catholic Latin family. Don’t be an idiot.”

  “Drop it, River.”

  “No. This is your life. I’m just saying. Don’t hurt someone just because you’re afraid to be who you are. Straight people don’t ‘come out.’ So why should you?”

  The music changes to something slower. He grabs my waist and puts our hands into waltzing positions. I look at the terribly handsome, terribly arrogant guy in front of me. His whole life is a front for someone he doesn’t know how to be.

  “You know, my dad wasn’t perfect,” I say, “but I know he loved me. That’s the only unconditional love we can count on.”

  “My dad’s not like your dad.”

  “I could also say there’s more to life than money.”

  He rolls his eyes. “That’s what poor people say.”

  I try to stop convincing him that he’s making a terrible mistake. I know better than anyone that you can’t make someone change their mind.

  “What about you?” Randy says. “You and Nick seem pretty close.”

  I must look confused, because he doubles over laughing. I stumble on the steps of the waltz, never having waltzed in my life.

  “I’m just kidding. Mostly he just walks around drooling over you. You’re too busy looking at someone else.”

  My heart seizes. “You’re crazy.”

  “I might act like a fool, but I see things. Besides, Nick is so high most of the time, the drool just comes naturally.”

  “Wait, you know?”

  Randy nods. “Yeah. Julie tried to get me to go to the barn the other night. Like I said, I need to be clean. Now I just have to work on the bride. Want to be my beard? I’d totally take care of you. You wouldn’t even have to sleep with me. My father only had kids for his legacy. If you really think about it, why should I be any different?”

  I slap his chest. I can’t tell if he’s serious or not. Right now I’m still thinking about what he said about Julie. I’ve never seen Julie at the barn. I feel like I did the time I tried to hotwire my dad’s car after he hid the keys from me. I failed.

  As the waltz comes to a crescendo, Randy dips me. He must’ve taken lessons, while I don’t like to be led, and I look so awkward trying not to fall onto the floor.

  “Don’t look, but someone’s pretty jealous.” He spins me in a circle and then walks away. I’m facing Hutch, who’s leaning against the wall with a cup of punch in his hand. He’s the Indiana Jones of my dreams in his hat and vest, and, oh my God, he’s even got a whip hooked onto his belt. I feel caught, standing in the middle of the crowded dance floor with patients of all ages dancing to pop from 2001. I want to run to him. I want to say the words he wanted to hear when it mattered. I was just afraid.

  One of the front desk clerks, a pretty girl wearing glittery devil horns, stands in front of him. She twists her hair around her fingernail. Her smile is sweet, and the laughter that cuts across the room is flirtatious. She’s asking him to dance. He shakes his head, but she’s not as shy as I would have pegged her as being. Despite there being no alcohol in the room, there’s a drunk energy filling the air. People are dancing, not caring if they look silly. The staff is deep in conversation. It’s like a reprieve from the usual seriousness.

  I’m unable to move, despite Vilma and the other girls dancing in a circle around me to a Pitbull song I regrettably know all the words to. All I can focus on is Hutch and the girl now pulling him onto the dance floor. His strong brow crinkles, like he’s still saying “no.” But the rest of his face is smiling.

  Don’t be stupid, I tell myself. You’re not allowed to feel jealous.

  Yet, I am.

  I want to dance with Hutch in the middle of the floor. I want to be able to look at him any way I want and not be afraid of others suspecting. I want to kiss him and hold him and tell him that I’m in love with him. Maybe I loved him the moment I set eyes on him and decided he’d be mine.

  The devil clerk puts her hands on his hips. He shakes his head and says something to her. She’s trying to make him move.

  Would it be so terrible if I danced with a counselor?

  I know it would be terrible if I went up to that girl and shoved her out of the way for touching my man.

  Who are you right now? I ask myself.

  I take a step in their direction and find I have a new obstacle. Nerd Boy Nick. He’s either doing the robot or the electric slide and maybe even some moves from kickboxing. He grabs me by my waist and throws me into the air. He catches me, like we’re something out of Step Up 2.

  “You’re so pretty, River. You’re like the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen. You’re mysterious and funny and I love the way you laugh, because you only laugh when something is really funny. You don’t give people pity lau
ghs, and that’s what I like about you, you know?”

  Nick stumbles into me, and I catch him.

  “Hey, are you okay?”

  He brushes me off with a wave of his hand. “Pfft. Yeah. Did you know that my graduating class only had thirty people in it?”

  “Mine had 1000.”

  His eyes are wide. In the florescent light, I can see how wide his pupils are, too. He grabs me around the waist, just in time for the music to slow down. Right, because Boys II Men is something I want to dance with Nick to. I can feel how hard he’s holding onto me, and I realize it’s not because he’s making a move on me. It’s because he’s got no balance.

  Fuck.

  “Easy now,” Vilma says.

  “Get a room,” Fran whistles.

  Hutch has stopped swaying, though Devil Clerk is awkwardly trying to make the shift from party dancing to sexy dancing. He glances at me, and the look I see there is full of disappointment. He shakes his head, turns around, and leaves.

  Great.

  “Nick,” I say. “We have to get you to bed, okay?”

  “Nope, nope, nope.” He shakes his head, and his wide smile makes his face looked old and wrinkled. “Nick wants to dance. Nick is feeling brave. Nick has you and that’s all there is. Can’t you feel it?” He pulls back and starts dancing crazily. At first, people hoot and whistle. Sure, it’s all good fun when a Midwestern boy tries to breakdance. But slowly, he changes. He stomps his feet harder and louder than anyone. He rubs his hands all over his body. He rips his Captain America T-shirt.

  The dancing comes to a halt around him. Helen and Nurse Jean set their cups down and turn toward us.

  Nick starts to yell. He grabs my wrists and pulls me against him. “Can’t you feel it, River? Can’t you feel that music? It’s like a prism of lights and stars! It’s—oh damn—”

  He falls.

  Someone screams.

  He starts to seize. Chairs slam to the ground as Hutch and Nurse Jean run to steady him. He’s foaming at the mouth. Hutch holds him down, and Nurse Jean shoves something into his mouth.

  “Call 911!”

  Screaming.

  Crying.

  I look around the room for Taylor, but I can’t find him. I know where he is. I know he did this. I run out of the room and race towards the barn. The cold wind licks at my bare shoulders. I rip the elastic out of my hair. The sun is only just starting to set.

  At first I think it’s strange that the clouds are so black. Then I realize it isn’t the clouds. It’s a fire in the distance.

  Chapter 35

  I get halfway there before I hear hooves pounding the ground. When I turn around, Hutch is riding Elphaba as fast as he can. He reaches me and pulls on the reins.

  “What are you doing?” He swings a leg over and jumps down to the ground. He looks from me to the fire.

  In a panic, I tell him everything I know. I tell him about the drugs, and Taylor, and the things I’ve seen and heard.

  “I just wanted to have some proof that wouldn’t get you in trouble.”

  His face is hard and unforgiving. I know I’ve fucked up even before he says anything.

  “You lied to me.”

  “Hutch, I’m sorry.” I run my hands through my hair. Despite the cold, my adrenaline has me burning up. “I was trying to fix things.”

  “Well, you didn’t! If you had said something, Nick wouldn’t be getting toted off to the hospital for overdosing right under our noses. Why wouldn’t you trust me enough to tell me?”

  “It’s not that!”

  “You have more faith in some bizarre code of honor for criminals than in me.”

  “How can you say that? Everything I’ve done has been to protect you.”

  “Why am I supposed to let you do that when you won’t even let me in?”

  I shake my head. My head is spinning. “Because! That’s not how I’m built, okay? Don’t you understand? If I care too much—if I love too much—it’s like setting us both up for a world of pain. I can’t do that.”

  “I would never hurt you.”

  “I know.”

  “No, you don’t. You think you know, but the only person you’re trying to protect is yourself. This ends tonight.”

  He turns to get his foot in the stirrup. I grab his arm and pull him back towards me.

  “What do you mean it ends tonight?”

  “I mean I’m going to tell Helen everything.”

  “No. Taylor knows about us!”

  “Then let them find out, River! I don’t care if the whole world knows it because clearly they would be more ready to believe that I love you than you are.”

  • • •

  It takes half an hour for the fire department to get there. By then the barn is burned to a crisp and so is the patch of woods behind it.

  While Hutch and Simmons talk to the firefighters, Taylor drives up to the barn.

  “What’s going on?” He slams the door and runs up like he’s out of breath. Yeah, it must be real taxing to start a fire.

  Hutch turns to him like he’s ready to pounce. I’ve never seen him this angry.

  “What’s going on is someone setting property on fire,” Hutch tells him. “You know anything about that?”

  Taylor’s serious. He’s got the best poker face I’ve ever seen. Perhaps better than my own. “Nope. I was in the kitchen getting more food when I heard the commotion. Was anyone hurt?”

  “No,” the fireman says. “The place was empty. I smelled an oil-based accelerant, but there’s nothing much in there but splinters now.”

  Taylor stares at the barn for a moment. Hutch puffs up his chest and gets in his face. Simmons looks confused. I manage to get in between them. No matter what, Hutch isn’t thinking straight.

  “Easy, counselor,” Taylor says, flicking his eyes to me. “I was coming to get you because Ransom needs you back at the main building.”

  “Tell him I’m a little busy,” Hutch says through gritted teeth, then low, so only the three of us can hear, “cleaning up after your mess.”

  Taylor smirks. “I’d be careful about throwing accusations around. That’s how people get hurt.”

  “You threatening me?”

  “Not just you,” he says, looking at me. “Anyway, Ransom needs you. The sheriff’s here. They’ve made an arrest.”

  “Arrest?” I feel the ground falling out from under my feet.

  “They found drugs in someone’s room. What a shame.”

  Hutch grabs Elphaba’s reins. He gets me up first, and shouts to Simmons to hurry back when he’s done. He rides close to Taylor, who’s as cool as the late fall breeze.

  “This isn’t over,” Hutch tells him.

  “You might want to sleep on it, before you do something you’ll regret.”

  Hutch shouts at his horse, and we race through the dusk back to the main building. Jillian takes Elphaba back to the stables, and we run into the ranch. Ransom looks grave as he tries to usher people back to their rooms, but no one listens.

  “Those aren’t mine!” Randy screams at the top of his lungs. Two officers have him by the arms and a third is carrying a large plastic bag of something.

  Randy catches my eye. “River! You know those aren’t mine! Tell them! Tell them! Get your filthy hands off me, you pig!”

  Pete and some of the others run out of the building to watch him get taken away. I can’t bring myself to move.

  Ransom is shouting, “I said get back in your rooms!”

  “Go,” Hutch tells me.

  “But—”

  “River, please.” He looks exhausted and hurt. “I have to talk to Steve.”

  I swallow my words and worry, and go to my room. There’s nothing I can do for anyone right now. I pace until I think I’ve worn two inches into the ground. I go stand in the hall and press myself into a corner where I can’t be seen. There is crying coming from different hallways. I hit my head against the wall.

  I see someone slinking in the shadows into the
library. Julie. She’s no longer in her costume, and she pulls her hoodie over her head. I follow her in and close the door behind us.

  “River.” She places a hand over her heart. “You scared me.”

  “I’m a little on edge.” The smell of smoke and hay and disappointment cling to me like smog. My hair is wild and my makeup runs down my cheeks.

  “Are you okay?”

  I push her against the wall, pressing the side of my arm into her neck. She whimpers. Shuts her eyes. How many times have I seen people do this? I walked in on my old man a couple of times. Bouncers I’ve worked with. Bad men I was unfortunate enough to know. I wonder if I look as crazed as they did.

  “Who put the drugs in Randy’s room?” I know the answer, but I need her to say it.

  “I don’t know!”

  “He told me you invited him to the barn. Why?”

  She shakes her head. Her panicked eyes search for an escape. I press my arm harder. “You’re hurting me.”

  “How many people have been hurt because of you and Taylor?” I could’ve stopped it though, couldn’t I? If I had trusted Hutch. If I hadn’t been too scared. If I had stopped thinking like a con artist for just one second. A terrible grumble escapes my throat. I give her one last push and then let go. She falls to the floor in hysterics.

  “I’m sorry! He told me I had to keep an eye on you. After Maddie stole from him I was the one who found the pills in your room and returned them to him. You don’t know what it’s like to be me, River. Everybody wants you. I can’t even get someone to look in my direction. But Taylor, he’s not always bad. Nick wasn’t supposed to take too much.”

  I can’t look at her. I breathe deep and hard. A hard pulse settles in my temples.

  “You walk around like you own everything. I have nothing except for Taylor.”

  “Taylor is using you.”

  She shakes her head in denial.

  “You want to know what it’s like to be me?” I ask. "Imagine waking up one morning and finding out that the woman who gave birth to you can’t stand the sight of you. Imagine spending nights and days clinging to the only person who wanted you, and then having him just wither away and die. There is nothing in the world that can get him back, and sometimes it feels like being asleep is the closest thing. Better, even, because no one will be capable of loving you unconditionally ever again.