The Sinner

  Oh my god! The room spun and I grew faint.

  “Oh shit, Kylie!” Piper flung an arm around my waist and hauled me out of the bathroom. She dropped me on the couch in the employee lounge and hurried back with a cup of water. “Here, drink this.” I mechanically obeyed.

  What would Rocco do when I told him? Me getting knocked up, unmarried and still in school would give him a coronary. Pull the pin and toss the grenade in his lap that Sebastien St. Clair is the father? Seb spending a month in the ICU at Grady was the best-case scenario.

  A hysterical laugh burst free as I pictured Rocco's face when he found out his “sweet, innocent” little sister carried the spawn of Satan in her womb. The image of a baby with Seb's face and a tiny pair of red horns poking out from a full head of dark hair, waving a little pitchfork in his pudgy fist, popped into my head, and I laughed even harder. Tears trickled down my face and my abdominal muscles strained. Ten minutes later, the truth sank in and gradually, tears of laughter turned genuine, and hysterics morphed into hiccupping sobs.

  “I can't be pregnant,” I whispered. “I just can’t.” I sniffed and rubbed my midsection.

  Piper squatted next to the sofa. “And you might not be.”

  A spark of hope flashed and I clung to it with both hands. Then I looked at Piper and the spark fizzled out. Even Piper didn’t believe what she was attempting to sell. That brought on a fresh round of tears.

  “Oh, Kylie,” she said, “I'm so sorry.” Piper smoothed a hand over my hair as I wept. “I can't promise the perfect outcome, but everything will work out in the end.”

  I was pretty sure I didn’t agree.

  The sound of my heartbeat whooshing behind my ears drowned out Piper, who was calling out my name and pounding hard on the bathroom door. The moisture in my mouth evaporated. As a result, my tongue got stuck to the back of my teeth. I’m not sure if I tried to move, but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t, rooted to the cold marble tiles beneath my feet. All because of the innocuous looking stick in my hands, white with a bright pink plus sign staring at me from its pee-stained window.

  Time passed.

  I have no idea how long I stood there, unblinking, but it must've been a while, because Piper picked the lock with a nail file. She tumbled in, file in hand, frazzled and wide-eyed.

  Piper shuffled up next to me and peeked over my shoulder. I didn't look at her. I didn't have to. Seeing her pity would only shove me over the edge. It wouldn’t take much considering I was already clinging to the cliff above Crazytown by my fingertips, body dangling precariously, dangerously close to loosing my grip on sanity and going on a long, painful drop to the bottom.

  “Oh, Kylie.” She gently pried the test from my hand and set it on the countertop, then guided me out of the bathroom and maneuvered me to sit on the bed. Piper joined me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “I know this isn't what you wanted, but I stand by what I said. Everything will work out. It always does, even when it seems like it’s impossible for things to turn around and there's no light to show you the way.”

  I took a deep breath and lifted my wobbly chin.

  “You're right.” My voice shook, betraying my attempt to pretend I was fine. I plowed on, not that I had a choice. Hiding under my comforter for the next nine months would probably freak Rocco out. “I can do this.”

  Piper smiled. “You can. And I'll help you anyway I can.”

  I glanced away, feeling sheepish for asking. But she did offer. “Do you think, if I need you to, you might be able to be there when I tell Rocco?”

  Piper giggled and gave me a light squeeze. “Of course I can.”

  The road was going to be bumpy to downright rocky at times, but Piper made me believe I could get through it in one piece. That maybe the pregnancy wasn’t worst thing in the world to happen, as unexpected as it was. People had babies all the time, right? People with way fewer resources and money.

  Then I remembered not only did I have to inform Rocco of his impending unclehood, I had to tell Sebastien he was going to be a father, and my blood went ice cold.

  I dashed for the bathroom, dropping to my knees in front of the toilet just in time to lose the cup of tea I forced down at Piper’s insistence. I used the back of my hand to wipe my mouth, then closed my eyes and rested my forehead on the edge of the toilet as fear gripped my lungs.

  If the mere thought of telling Seb had me kneeling at the porcelain throne, what would happen when I had to stand in front of him, look him in the eye, and tell him I was pregnant? My empty stomach heaved again, working in vain as sore muscles clenched over and over until my vision blurred and I was gasping for breath.

  When the misery ended, I tucked my body against the wall, arms wrapped around my legs, laid my cheek on my knees, and sniffed. Piper came in and sat next to me in silence, her intuition spot on. We both knew there was nothing she could say that would make a difference. Even if Piper—and Rocco if he didn’t toss me out in the street first—stayed by my side every step of the way, I essentially had to do it alone.

  “I’m not ready to tell anyone yet,” I said.

  “Understandable.”

  Mentally drained, I dug the heels of my hands into my eyes. “You don't think it’s selfish? I mean, not telling Rocco or…” My heart stuttered. I couldn't bring myself to say his name. “Him right away?”

  Piper drew up her own legs to mimic my pose. “I don't think there's a right or wrong way to handle this. It's difficult and emotional and you have a lot to work through and think about.” I forced myself to meet Piper’s gaze, and this time, instead of pity I saw sympathy and support and friendship. “You have to trust that when the time is right to say something, you'll know.”

  My eyes began to leak. “I don't deserve a friend like you.”

  Piper pulled a face. “That’s ridiculous. Everyone deserves a friend. Especially when times are tough and we’re too weak to carry on. We need a friend to pick us up and carry us to the other side.” She lifted her chin from her knees and took a deep breath. “I always thought that if I hadn’t isolated myself from everyone, if I could talk to someone I trusted when I went through my breakup and everything, maybe I would be in a better place. You know, mentally. Maybe I wouldn't doubt my judgment when it comes to men. Maybe I would finally be able to get over what happened and put myself out there to meet someone.”

  I sniffed and let out a humorless laugh. “I’m so screwed.”

  Piper tilted her head. “What do you mean?”

  I laughed again. “You're way stronger than me, Piper. You had me fooled, because I thought you were past all that. If you don't have your shit together, I don't stand a chance in hell.”

  She shook her head. “That's what makes the difficult times in our life beautiful, and what makes humans so resilient.” My gaze narrowed. Piper patted my knee. “Adversity, Ky. It forces people to do things they never thought possible. Overcome obstacles they believed were too big to conquer. Some people, like me, get crushed when the pressure turns up, but you…” Piper studied me with her intelligent, all-seeing eyes. “You’re different. You're a fighter. Right now you probably think I'm crazy. Right now, you feel weak and helpless and trapped with no way out. But if there's one thing I'm good at, it's reading people,” Piper gave me a serious look. “And you won't go down without a fight.”

  She was right about one thing. I did feel weak and helpless and trapped. I tried to take her words to heart, even if I didn’t quite trust them. Piper was no dummy, though. If she believed in me, I had to think positive.

  A wave of fatigue crashed over me. Suddenly, all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed, go to sleep, and turn off my brain for a little while.

  After all, I had nine… er, eight, whole months to freak out.

  Seb

  “This is the dumbest idea I’ve ever had,” I muttered as I walked back and forth on the busy sidewalk, dodging a constant flow of pedestrians. When I almost crashed into an old lady and sent her sprawling, she gave me a suspicio
us side-eye. Probably thought I was nuts. Maybe I was.

  An arctic blast slapped me upside the head. The sting and burn from the glacial current was so strong it felt like a sandblaster ground off my top layer skin. The temperature was cold enough that my breath puffed out in front of me in little clouds of mist. Even under my thick knit cap my ears were steadily going numb. I huffed in disgust.

  Some Canadian I am.

  I glanced up at the gleaming tower of luxury condos, then checked the time on my phone. Two hours. I’d been stalking Kylie in twenty-something-degree weather for two hours. Creepy? Definitely. But she wouldn’t return my texts or calls and I couldn’t stop obsessing. I guess what I needed was closure, at least, I think that’s the bullshit term they use. I needed to know what I did to make her cut me completely out of her life.

  The front door of the building opened and, just like every other time since I arrived, it swung ajar. Unlike those times, instead of someone other than Kylie stepping into view, I glimpsed a flash of blonde hair and my breath caught in my throat.

  Kylie.

  She exchanged a few quick words with the doorman and trotted down the short flight of stairs without noticing me yet. At the bottom, Kylie paused and her expression grew confused. Slowly, as if she knew I was there, Kylie turned her head in my direction. Her shocked gaze locked onto me and my body ached with longing, lust and loss and need and a bunch of other shit I didn’t want to think too hard about. The flash bang of desire crackled and popped. It flickered and burned, consuming me from the inside out until I was on fire. A myriad of unfamiliar feelings swelled until they crowded my lungs and made it difficult to get enough air.

  Kylie glanced around and I held my breath. The soft skin of her throat flickered as her pulse leapt and she tensed up, like she was about to do a repeat of that awful night and pull a runner.

  Too fucking bad I had no intention of letting her get away. I hurried to close the distance between us until we stood almost nose-to-nose, er, nose-to-chin. Less than a minute exposed to the cold air and Kylie's cheeks and nose turned a rosy shade of pink. Her eyes sparkled and the sun backlit her hair so it shone like a golden halo around her head. She was breathtaking. An angel.

  Kylie shifted from foot to foot and I realized she probably wanted to know why I ambushed her.

  “Hi.”

  I wanted to smack myself. Jesus. Fucking smooth, St. Clair.

  Kylie blinked. “Hi. Umm, w-what are you doing here?”

  Again, her eyes darted around, as if she were avoiding looking at me. She seemed nervous, reminiscent of the moment before she took off and left me high and dry. Kylie twitched and fidgeted, and my internal alarm blared. Something was wrong, as if she felt guilty. Maybe for leaving. Or avoiding my calls. Or not answering my texts. Hell, maybe she should feel guilty.

  “I, uh, I know you don't want to talk to me,” I stammered. “But, uh…” Fuck. I couldn’t form a sentence out to save my life. I rubbed the back of my neck just to have something to do. “Shit, this is awkward.” My arm fell back to my side and I gave Kylie my biggest, saddest puppy dog eyes. “Can you, I mean, can we talk? I only need a minute.” Kylie frowned, and I knew she was about to say no, so I pulled out something I never say to anyone. “Please?”

  I saw the exact moment Kylie gave in. Her shoulders crumpled and she kind of shrank into herself. She appeared, I don't know, weary. I hated that I did that to her. I wanted to make Kylie laugh and smile and shout my name in ecstasy, not hunch over and get sad.

  “There's a coffee shop at the end of the block.” Kylie jerked her head to the left.

  I nodded. “Let's go.”

  Neither of us spoke during the three-minutes it took to walk to the café. The silence was suffocating, like a heavy wool blanket tossed on my head, its weight smothering my mouth and nose. We stepped into the café, greeted by a much appreciated blast of warm air. My nose and ears burned as they thawed out.

  “Why don't you sit and I'll get the drinks,” I suggested. “What do you like?”

  See? More proof I was halfway off my damn rocker. Nothing made a lick of sense anymore. I didn’t know Kylie well enough to know how she took her coffee. Or if she even liked coffee. But I stood outside her home and pounced when she came out.

  Fuck, I’m such a self-centered prick.

  “Okay. A small coffee, please. Cream no sugar.”

  A few minutes later I sat across from Kylie at a tiny two-seater table. Our knees kept accidentally bumping and I dug my fingers into my thigh to hold back a moan as my leg tingled and burned where we touched.

  Kylie took a perfunctory sip of her drink and pushed it away.

  “Does it not taste good?”

  Kylie blushed and got flustered. “No. I mean, yes. It's good. I-I just forgot, I'm trying to lay off caffeine.”

  “Oh.” I gave her a smile I hoped came across as a charming. I might be an asshole, but I could be a fucking charismatic bastard when I wanted to. “I could never do that. I’m so dependent, if I could, I'd walk around with a caffeine IV hooked up 24/7.”

  She didn't laugh, but the corners of her lips twitched. The tiny, sort-of smile only lasted a fraction of a second. Still, I took it as a win. Once the moment passed, the uncomfortable silence stampeded back in and barreled into us, like that big fuck Calloway in a ballet class. It was this tangible thing that sat on the table and shoved us further apart.

  Well screw that. I was sick and tired of being driven away.

  “Listen,” I said. “If I did anything to hurt or offend you, I wanted to say I'm sorry.”

  As she thought about what I said, Kylie tugged her bottom lip between her teeth, and chewed on it. A host of conflicting emotions slammed into me head on. Lust sent a rush of concentrated heat to my groin while intense longing flopped around inside my heart like a fish out of water.

  I coughed and forced myself to stay on topic. “Um, I figured, you know, with the way you ran out of my place, I must've done something wrong.”

  Kylie dropped her gaze to the table. The urge to keep talking, to fill the silence with chatter, was so strong I had to concentrate on keeping my mouth shut. After weeks of failed attempts, I had Kylie in close physical proximity. I wasn’t about to ruin it because she needed a little time to work out what she wanted to say. It was the most excruciating moment of my life. Like waiting for an axe to fall and chop off a chunk of my soul.

  Finally, she looked up, eyes glistening with tears.

  Fuck. Whatever I did was that bad?

  “You didn't do anything, Seb.” Kylie sniffed and shook her head back and forth, lips pressed together. “It sounds like such a cliché.” She glanced back up at me. “But I swear, you did nothing wrong. It's all me.”

  It’s not you, it’s me. Really.

  My pulse stuttered, skipped a beat, then took off at a sprint, as if I topped it off with a shot of high-octane fuel. I figured I would get Kylie to talk to me, she’d explain what happened, tell me I acted like a jerk, that when I did XYZ it made her upset. I'd apologize, she’d forgive me, and everything would go back to how it was before.

  “I don't understand,” I admitted.

  “And I-I’m sorry… I can't tell you any more.” The moisture in her eyes overflowed in two damp trails that trickled down her cheeks. Without thinking, I reached out and used my thumb to wiped one away. Kylie’s breath hitched and her pupils dilated.

  She still wanted me. The knowledge sent my heart soaring, yet only made me more confused. Her mixed messages were killing me.

  “I know we can work something out,” I pushed. “I want to see you again.” With my arm still stretched across the table, I opened my hand and pressed my palm against the side of her face. Whether she knew it or not, Kylie leaned in to my touch and rubbed against my hand as if seeking comfort. “You said you wanted to stay with me, at my place that night,” I explained. “That’s what you said before you left. If you wanted to stay, then why leave? I don't understand. I didn't want you to go if that's w
hat you thought.”

  Kylie pulled back and left my arm hanging stupidly in midair. I tucked it into my lap. Her bottom lip trembled. “It's complicated, Seb. Just… trust me. We can't keep seeing each other.” With no further explanation, Kylie stood and I fucking panicked.

  I jumped out of the chair and grabbed her arm. “Why are you doing this? What is so bad that you're willing to throw away something we both know is amazing?” She continued to shake her head. I crowded close to whisper in her ear and Kylie’s scent filled my nose. My eyelids drooped and my cock took interest. God I missed her. “Kylie, this isn't like me. I don't beg, and I swear, I've never been interested enough in a woman to do it, but I'm doing it now. For you. Please. I’m begging you not to leave. You're the first, the only, woman I've wanted this way. You're special and I don't know why because I hardly know you. That's what I'm asking for, the chance to know you.”

  Kylie's voice was low and cracked periodically, like she was about to break down for real. “You're a good man, Sebastien St. Clair.” She stepped away and I let her go. “Goodbye.”

  Once again, I watched Kylie walk out on me.

  This time for good.

  12

  Seb

  It took a good three minutes of standing in the hall, going back and forth in my mind, trying to figure out if I was making the right decision, before I finally said, "fuck it" and knocked. Loud footsteps approached from inside and I snorted. Evvy isn’t exactly light on his feet. On the ice maybe, but on land, the guy’s about as graceful as a charging rhino. I was wound so tight, I flinched at the slide of the deadbolt, then cursed myself for being such a pussy. The door opened to reveal my best friend—distant best friend as of late, but still my best friend. I hoped so anyway. Hell, after the way I'd acted the last couple months, I wouldn’t blame Ev for kicking my ass to Vancouver and back.

  We must've drifted farther apart than I thought, because from the way Ev’s eyes narrowed and he crossed his arms over his chest, he wasn’t thrilled to see me.