The Traveling Man

  His voice was bored, indifferent.

  “You … you want me to blackmail her?”

  I was incredulous.

  Kes laughed. “No need. I used her phone and sent the photos to her whole address book. All her friends will see this in the morning. And her parents.”

  I swallowed several times, seeing nothing but vindictive pleasure on his face.

  “This is wrong,” I whispered, afraid, because I didn’t know this boy sitting on my bed.

  His eyes glittered dangerously. “She would have fucked me just to hurt you. That bitch has bullied you for years. It stops now. Tonight.”

  I backed away from him until I was scrunched up against the headboard, my knees tight to my chest.

  Kes stared at me and started to look worried.

  “I did it for you, Aimee. I … I wanted to protect you, but I can’t do that when I’m not fucking here! I had to do something so she’d leave you alone. Permanently. Fuck, just … talk to me or something!”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  Wasn’t that the truth.

  I was appalled by what he’d done. I hated Camilla with a passion, but what Kes had planned, it was just too much. I liked Blake and Jesse—they seemed like okay guys, but they were older than us, in their twenties, and I had no idea how far they’d take things.

  “How did you get her to do that?” I asked, my voice rising with disbelief.

  Kes looked at the comforter and didn’t answer.

  “Was she drunk?”

  He nodded. “She brought some stuff with her. I don’t know what, but she was off her face.”

  “Did you kiss her?”

  “Yeah,” he said, without looking at me. “I had to … to make her trust me.”

  I put my hands over my face, hiding from his searching gaze. I felt the mattress shift under me, and Kes tried to pull my stiff body into his arms.

  “I did it for you, Aimee,” he said again. “I’d do anything for you.”

  I believed him. And that scared me.

  “Just … let me hold you.”

  I forced my body to relax against him, allowing him to hold me, but I couldn’t force the images away. I kept seeing Camilla’s glazed, drunken expression, men’s hands in her panties. She wasn’t stopping them, I kept telling myself, but I knew that she’d been set up. I didn’t know what to do.

  Kes said he hadn’t done anything more than kiss her, but even that made my stomach turn.

  He kept holding me, stroking my arms and kissing me softly, acting so sweet. It was confusing. I couldn’t look at him, so I lay with my back to his chest as he tried to soothe and reassure me.

  We didn’t make out that night. I knew that Kes was disappointed and didn’t understand my point of view at all.

  He left at dawn and I was alone with my thoughts.

  I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I lay awake staring at the ceiling. I didn’t know what to think. Kes was trying to help me, to protect me in some weird, warped way. But I was shocked by how far he’d gone, and I had the uneasy feeling that he would have let it go even further without an ounce of conscience. Maybe it had gone further.

  When I heard Mom and Dad moving around downstairs, I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. Jennifer was staying with a friend, so at least I didn’t have to explain to her why I looked like a zombie. I told Mom I was tired, and Dad didn’t even look up from his newspaper before leaving for the golf course.

  When the phone rang, I almost jumped out of my skin. It was Erica, a friend from school.

  “Oh my God! Have you heard about Camilla Palmer?”

  I didn’t even get a chance to answer before she was telling me all the gossip.

  “You know I have her cell number because I worked on the Homecoming committee with her? Anyway, I got this text this morning and it was, wow, I don’t even know what to call it … really steamy photos of her making out with two guys. Like boobs out and everything! It’s been sent from her phone so it’s definitely legit! Everyone knew she was a total slut, but wow! I heard she went with two guys from the football team at the same time and honestly, I didn’t think it was true because she was dating Jamie Larsen, but it looks like it’s her thing, you know?”

  Camilla’s reputation was ruined. I should have been pleased, but that wasn’t in the flux of emotions I was feeling.

  I didn’t want to go back to the carnival, but I couldn’t stay away either.

  When I got there, Kes was in a foul mood, and his temper was making the ponies nervous. Jacob Jones stamped his feet and twitched his ears when I approached.

  I knew Kes had heard me because his whole body went rigid. I also knew that he’d never admit he was wrong.

  “Hi,” I said.

  He grunted, which may or may not have been a greeting.

  “I know you think you were protecting me…” I began.

  Kes whipped around and glared at me. “I was protecting you!”

  I sighed and looked down. “It was too much. What you did was cruel.”

  He spat at my feet, his chest heaving and his face twisted with fury.

  “She’s a bitch and she got what she deserved. Why are you defending her?”

  Good question—why was I? Because it was too much? Because he could have ruined her life? And if she ended up hurting herself because of it? But at the heart of it, I wondered how Kes could be so sweet one minute, and so vicious the next. I wondered if he’d turn on me one day. But my heart begged me to give him the benefit of the doubt.

  I hated that the last 12 hours had put an ugly distance between us—it hadn’t been there before he decided to take Camilla down.

  Kes looked at me like I was a puzzle he couldn’t solve, and I’m sure my eyes gave away my concern that I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did.

  And I couldn’t stay away from him. How dark would those stormy eyes become before I had to run away? I hated what he’d done, but I couldn’t hate him.

  Our time was running out—I wouldn’t waste it on anger. So in the end, there was no decision to make.

  “Can you just hold me now?” I asked.

  His storm-cloud eyes softened and he wrapped his arms around me.

  “I love you, Kes.”

  It was the first time I’d said it, but far, far from being the first time I’d thought it.

  Kes’s face was shocked, and he pulled back to look at me. I could see him working to keep the emotion off his face, but in the end, he looked more confused than happy that I’d declared myself to him.

  “I thought you hated me,” he said at last, his forehead wrinkling as if that idea was painful. “I thought we’d broken up?”

  I shook my head, surprised. “No! Why would you think that?”

  “But you wouldn’t do any stuff with me last night.”

  I gaped at him.

  “Kes! We had a fight. I was upset, that’s all. But it doesn’t mean we have to break up. And that other stuff, well, I’ve got to be in the right mood, you know.”

  A slow smile spread across his face.

  “I could get you in the right mood,” he said, pressing his hips against me suggestively.

  “Hmm, I think it’s working.”

  “Yeah?” he said, sounding surprised.

  I laughed. “Oh yes! I’m really wishing you had your own bedroom right now.”

  “Hell yeah,” he sighed. “Can we go to your place?”

  I shook my head. “Nope, Mom’s at home. All day.”

  Kes looked irritated. “I can’t even borrow the truck. Dono’s gone into town and he won’t be back until the first show.”

  “We could go for a ride?” I suggested.

  I rather liked the idea of sitting behind him on Jacob Jones as we wandered the fields and lanes, but Kes shook his head.

  “Dono would kick my ass if I took the horses out before a show.”

  I could hear the sound of another fantasy crashing down.

  “I know!” I said, sudden
ly feeling excited. “Let’s go on the Ferris wheel!”

  “We can’t do stuff up there,” Kes said, his eyebrows shooting up.

  I smacked his arm. “No-oh! Of course not. But we haven’t gone for a ride on it yet because you’ve been so busy. I’d just like to.”

  Kes rolled his eyes. “Is this that romantic stuff that girls want to do on dates?”

  I laughed, thrilled that he’d used the word ‘date’.

  “Maybe, but we had our first kiss up there. That’s where the magic started.”

  His eyes softened. “Yeah. Okay, one Ferris wheel ride coming up,” and he held my hand and started pulling me toward the midway.

  “I didn’t mean right now—the carnival isn’t open,” I huffed as he towed me along. “None of the rides are operating yet.”

  He glanced at me, his smile condescending. “Seriously, Aimee. You think Gilligan will say no to me?”

  “Oh,” I said, feeling silly. “I guess not.”

  He winked, and my happy heart flip-flopped.

  Gilligan was a greasy-looking carnie that you’d cross the street to avoid. He didn’t talk much either, staring cold-eyed when Kes asked him to start the wheel for us. But he didn’t say no either, just jerked his head at the empty cars. I suppose that meant we could sit down.

  “He doesn’t talk much,” I muttered, watching Gilligan operate the machinery out of the corner of my eye. “Cat got his tongue?”

  Kes nodded. “Yeah, got his tongue cut out in a bar fight. We’re not sure what happened to the tongue.”

  “You’re kidding!” I squeaked.

  Kes laughed loudly.

  “You’re full of shit, Kestrel,” muttered Gilligan, throwing Kes a filthy look.

  I jumped when he spoke, accidentally-on-purpose elbowing Kes in the ribs.

  “That wasn’t funny!” I hissed.

  “Nah, but your face was,” he said, rubbing his side and grinning at me.

  I didn’t like being teased, but I couldn’t resist that grin.

  Kes slipped his arm around my shoulders and I leaned against him as we were lifted into the air. I sighed, enjoying the illusion of safety that his arms around me always created.

  “I love the Ferris wheel,” I said, almost to myself.

  Kes shrugged. “It’s alright.”

  “You grew up with it, but to me … I can see so far. I’ve never been anywhere, I’ve never even left Minnesota, but here I can see for miles and miles. Everything looks so small. It makes me sad and happy all at the same time.”

  Kes was silent for a few seconds.

  “I like it because it’s peaceful,” he said at last. “There’s no privacy in the carnie. Everyone’s up in your business all day long, so you have to be private in your head, you know? But up here, no one bothers me. I remember coming up here with my mom…”

  I looked up at him cautiously. He’d never willingly mentioned her before.

  “How old were you?”

  He shrugged. “Four, maybe five. I don’t remember.”

  “Did you grow up in the carnival?”

  “Yeah. Mom’s Dono’s daughter.”

  I don’t know why that surprised me, but it did. And then I wondered: did he say is his daughter or was? Nothing Kes said was ever simple.

  I chewed my lip, wondering whether I could risk another question.

  “What happened to her?”

  Kes didn’t answer and his face took on a closed look. I guess that meant the conversation was over. I sighed, wishing he’d give me more pieces of himself.

  The wheel turned slowly, only the faintest breeze taking the edge off the ruthless sun. The fields around us were red from the dusty earth, or brownish yellow where sweet corn grew. I could see my house and our hickory tree; I could see the road into town, straight and boring; and the cluster of utilitarian buildings in the distance. I could see the string of lakes leading down to Amber Lake, glittering like polished glass.

  But I couldn’t see my future; I couldn’t see which road led to Kes.

  As if he sensed my sadness, he wrapped his arms around me more tightly. I wished the strength I felt in those arms would keep the world away.

  “Let’s do it tonight,” I said. “I want to go all the way. With you.”

  His voice was rough when he answered. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, I’ve never been more sure. Make love to me tonight, Kes.”

  He kissed my hair lightly and I felt his chest heave.

  When the ride was over, Kes thanked Gilligan, doing some complicated handshake and a promise that he “owed him”.

  Then without even needing to discuss it, we walked hand-in-hand to the dry grass behind the Ghost Train and lay silently in each other’s arms. Enjoying the heat, enjoying the solitude, another countdown to goodbye.

  Kes’s shows were sold out again, and people who’d missed buying a ticket were bitching and complaining, or so Zachary cheerfully reported. The overspill meant that all parts of the carnival were reaping the rewards, and Dono was cautiously optimistic that they’d make a decent profit, if they could keep the momentum going in the next town.

  It turned out that Zachary was a bit of a whizz with computers, and beefed up their online presence significantly. It all helped.

  Despite his tiredness, at the end of that long difficult day, there was an unrestrained energy that I could see pulsing through Kes. I felt an echo of it in my own body. I was glad I’d waited for almost two weeks, because I finally felt ready.

  “I’m going to walk Aimee home,” Kes announced.

  I saw the knowing smiles, and Sorcha scowled. Dono just nodded.

  “Be safe,” he said, giving Kes a pointed look.

  The heat in my cheeks could have powered Minneapolis for a month. Kes grinned to himself as we walked through the empty midway.

  “That was so embarrassing,” I muttered.

  Kes laughed. “He’s been saying that since Con got his first pube. Dono’s had to look after us all of these years, I guess two bastard kids is enough.”

  His voice had become bitter.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “Why? You didn’t do anything.”

  “No, but…”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  But I did.

  Once we were home, Kes waited under the hickory tree while I let myself into the house, praying that everyone had gone to bed. I listened intently, but all I could hear was my father’s rumbling snore and the quiet creak of the timbers as the house settled into sleep.

  I crept upstairs and shoved a chair under the handle of my bedroom door as a makeshift lock, something I’d done since Kes started sleeping in my bed. Then I yanked open the window and nearly fainted when Kes’s grinning face popped up in front of me.

  I don’t know how long he’d been hanging onto the sill, waiting for me to open the window. I shook my head in disbelief—always the showman.

  His muscles bunched and he flipped inside, his body unwinding from the floor in a flowing, liquid movement.

  My mouth hung open as he prowled around my bed, wild, free, alive—his dangerous beauty, panther-like and predatory.

  “Come here,” he growled.

  Here, now, in my childhood room, we were going to do it; we were going to make love. I’d give myself to Kes, and he’d give himself to me. No more waiting, no more wondering. Questions didn’t belong in this place, it was only us.

  I threw myself at him, literally, hearing the breath gush out of his lungs as I slammed against his body.

  If his kisses were hard, mine were bruising. In an instant, he met me stroke for stroke, bite for bite, moan for breathless moan.

  My hands roamed freely across his taut, tight body, feeling his muscles ripple and shiver under my touch, the hard planes of his stomach trembling.

  When I rubbed the bulge of his erection firmly, he growled against my neck.

  “Make love to me, Kes,” I gasped.

  He didn’t even answer but simply pu
lled a condom out of his back pocket and laid it on the bedside cabinet.

  His t-shirt was yanked off and fell to the floor. Mine followed as he snapped my bra free, tugging the straps over my shoulders roughly. I pressed my breasts against him and he immediately ducked his head to suckle and tease, using his teeth and tongue with all the lessons learned over the past two weeks.

  “Are you wet?” he asked, his voice shaking.

  I rubbed my thighs together. “I think so.”

  He reached down and unbuttoned my shorts, pushing them down with my panties, then running his finger over my clit, making my hips buck to meet his.

  “Shit, yeah,” he whispered.

  With shaking hands, I fumbled as I yanked his zipper down, and then he was out of his jeans, his heavy cock bouncing slightly as he pressed me backwards onto the bed.

  Surprising me with gentleness, Kes rolled me onto my back, his body hovering above mine. I think he was waiting for me to say no, to change my mind, but I was sure of this.

  I nodded and licked my lips.

  He reached for the condom, sliding it on with familiarity.

  Then he took a deep breath and held his cock in position. He pushed inside an inch, and I thought, that’s nice.

  As he pushed in further, I sank my teeth into his shoulder, making him arch against me so he entered with one complete thrust. Pain burned inside, and for a second I wanted him out, I wanted him gone; I didn’t want this invasion.

  “God, that’s so good,” he groaned, circling his hips cautiously.

  Somehow he managed to brush against my clit, and a surge of pleasure pushed the pain to the back of my mind.

  “Aimee?”

  His voice quavered when he said my name.

  “I’m fine,” I hissed. “I’m fine.”

  I felt full and adult, the strange and satisfying sensation of him all around, inside, above me. I wanted to laugh and cry and scream and yell and kiss him and touch him and tell him I loved him. It was so much. So much.

  His head dropped to my shoulder and it was clear that he couldn’t hold himself back. Soft, desperate grunts broke from his throat.

  My hips lifted to meet him and the change of angle made him frantic. Kes lost any semblance of control. His eyes flashed to mine, and for once I could see everything: I felt wanted, desired, needed; abandoned and found; washed with emotion and sensation—born again.