With the Band

  Her breathing is thick and heavy, and her eyes gloss over with lust.

  Fuck. I pounce.

  TEXAS

  SATURDAY, JUNE 27

  ONTARIO, CANADA

  It's been four days since the incident at the airport. Kitt shouted at a lot of people, and now, he has even more big, burly men with us. The photo of me tripping and making a twat out of myself is all over the web. If I become a meme, I'm going to lose it.

  I try to stay positive because, really, there's nothing we can do, and I won't let anyone else dictate a thing in my life, but Kitt isn't okay. I hate the stress lines around his eyes, the permanent clench of his jaw, and the dullness in his eyes. I also stay positive because the way things have exploded is my fault. There wouldn't be half of the problems we'd been having if Kitt wasn't in a relationship.

  When Kitt is seen with me, it becomes about our relationship and then about how I'm handling the news. He went to the shows in Tennessee and Illinois alone, and the crowds were mostly about him and the band. I'd stayed at the hotel with Ted.

  I'm the trigger, but I can also defuse the bomb.

  So, I know what I need to do. But the very idea makes my heart ache so hard that it leaves me breathless. Not only would I be away from Kitt and my dad, but I'd also be pretty much alone. I don't like being alone. I'd do it for him though. I see how crazy worried he is every time I have to go out in public.

  He has to leave for sound check in ten minutes, and he's pacing our hotel suite.

  "Kitt!"

  "I'll have Ted bring someone else along with Lars and Hank for you."

  "Kitt!" I snap. "Will you stop?"

  He's turned into a version of my dad. And I think he might be worse. He won't let up on anything, and he's obsessed with making sure I'm never hurt again. Seriously, I only tripped and grazed my hand, but he acts like I was knocked unconscious.

  "How can I stop? You were hurt!"

  "I tripped."

  "Because of the crowd, Texas."

  Oh my God, we have this argument on repeat.

  "There is always a crowd and always will be." I step forward. "Kitt, you have to get past this. My life will never be normal, and I'm fine with that. Why aren't you?"

  "Because you were hurt!" he shouts. "You don't know how bad that fucking feels. I wanted to kill every bastard who'd hurt you."

  I rub my forehead. No one hurt me, but he's not getting that.

  "Kitt, I'm going home."

  His head rears back, as if I hit him. "You're fucking, what?"

  "Please, hear me out before you turn swear-y."

  "You're not running. We have nothing to be ashamed of!"

  "I'm not ashamed of you. I believe you when you say you've not done something, Kitt, and I'm on your side. But can you honestly say that you're enjoying the tour right now? Whenever we step outside, you're practically paralysed by fear of something happening to me. You should be living life to the fullest. Filthy Sound is everywhere right now, and that's what you have to focus on. Forget that woman because her lies will come out by her own choice or through DNA. Enjoy this, Kitt. Please, please go back to a few weeks ago when you were having the time of your life."

  He steps closer, pressing his forehead to mine. He's determined and a bit pissed off. His eyes are burning a hole in mine. "The time of my life has you in it."

  "I'm not going anywhere--well, except to England. But I'll be waiting for you when you get back. You have a month in the States and Canada, and then you're home for a while before Australia. It's not like you don't have time off coming up. This is how it works for a lot of people. Not everyone can drop everything and tour."

  "I don't give a fuck how other people do things. I won't have you being chased away because of some fame-hungry bitch."

  "She's not chasing me away. I'm choosing to do the best thing for you and the band. We can't be selfish, Kitt. This affects everyone."

  He pushes away and stalks back and forth, his chest expanding in long, hard breaths. I hate to see him like this, but I keep myself locked in place, not sure if it's best to leave him when he looks like he's about to go off.

  Kitt has never been the best at handling his emotions or even understanding them half of the time.

  Soon after we first met, it was the anniversary of his parents' deaths, and he spent the whole night ignoring Milo's and Cooper's pleas to stop drinking and go with one of them to talk. He told everyone he was fine, and he ended up puking on himself outside the club before passing out.

  He was supposed to be okay, like he's supposed to be okay now. When he can't control something, he spirals.

  He reaches for the mini bar, and I know what's coming next. His coping mechanism has always been to drink. It's effective until it wears off.

  "Do you think that will help?"

  "Yep," he grinds out through his teeth. The muscles in his arms look like stone as he grabs a tiny bottle of Jack Daniels.

  "Stop."

  Spinning around, he steps toward me, and his eyes darken. And he erupts. "What the fuck do you want me to do, Texas? I'm trying. I'm trying to make things better. I'm trying to be strong for you. I'm trying to give you a fucking normal relationship, but obviously, I can't fucking do it, so just tell me what I'm supposed to do here!"

  With my stomach tossing over, I pad closer, keeping my eyes fixed on his. Midnight blue softens, the closer I get, and some of the tension leaves his shoulders.

  "Kitt, I love that you're so passionate and that you think from here," I say, placing my hand over his thumping heart. "But, sometimes, you have to think with your head. It will never be as magnificent or soul-searing, but on occasion, it's the only thing to do. You can't always lead with your heart. There has to be balance."

  My throat seals closed, and tears prick my eyelids. "I know you, and I know you understand why I have to go home. The more you fight it, the more it hurts us. It's a month, and as much as I don't want to be apart from you for a second, you're worth it. You were worth the two-year wait, and you're worth this. I love you so much, and I need you to have the best tour experience you can. If that means I can't be an active part of it, that's okay with me because I know I'll get everything when it's over."

  "Tex, babe," he rasps, slamming his chest against mine.

  My arm is crushed between us, but I don't care. In his embrace, I feel strong--strong enough to leave for him. He can't do the right thing--he'd never be able to send me home--but I can.

  "I know. Our forever will start when you get back."

  His head dips. "No, Tex, our forever started in Paris."

  Jesus. The things that boy does to me. I'm breathless and apparently struck dumb because I can't think of a single word.

  "Cat got your tongue, sweetheart?" His hands trail down my back and over my butt.

  My head falls on his shoulder, and I moan.

  "Oh, I'll be making you scream in a few minutes. First, I want to make sure..."

  I look up and curl my arms around him. "Yes, I'm definitely going home. No, it won't change a single thing between us. You're going to rock these shows the way I know only you can, and you're going to love every second in between. Have fun with your boys, and for the love of God, make sure you don't lose Cooper!"

  He laughs and closes his eyes. His shoulders sag with relief. Leaving should hurt, but I know it's not about me.

  "You shouldn't have to do that."

  "But I will, and nothing will change us. It's fine, Kitt. Our plans will sometimes require...modification."

  He presses a soft kiss to my mouth. "What will you do?"

  "I'll stay with Jennifer for a little while."

  His eyes go wide.

  "I know, I know." But I don't like to be alone, and I'm due a visit there. "Just for a week or two, and then I'll go home and wait for you guys to get back."

  "You've had it all planned since..."

  "Yesterday. I hate that you're so stressed. This is your tour, Kitt, and you should be living it up. The start was so
much fun, but it's not now. Is it?"

  He opens his mouth and closes it.

  "You can't lie to me, and I can't ruin this for you."

  "You're not ruining it, Texas."

  "You know what I mean."

  "I do. I don't want you to go. Maybe we can do something though? Travel without the rest of them, arrive at different times?"

  "Kitt, it won't work. The only answer is me going home, and you rocking the tour. When it's over, you'll come home to me, and we'll start our life together, the way we want."

  "What does that look like, Tex? Because this right here is what my life is."

  "This is your working life. I'm talking about our life. Me and you."

  His lips part, and he takes a breath. "Are you telling me, you want to move in with me?"

  "No. That would be ridiculous. We've not even been together for two months."

  He smirks. "Doesn't mean you're not going to do it."

  No, it doesn't.

  His strong tattooed arms hold me close. "Texas, will you move in with me?"

  I nod, and his lips find mine.

  TEXAS

  SATURDAY, JULY 4

  NOTTING HILL, ENGLAND

  In the grand scheme of things, coming to Jennifer's hasn't been the best choice. She's been acting like she's the perfect mother while being my friend.

  Um, hello? Your sexual conquests are not a suitable discussion topic to have with your daughter!

  I wanted to jab knives into my ears. She didn't stop, not even when I'd turned cold because I was seconds away from puking.

  Kitt and Dad have been constantly messaging me since I arrived two days ago. I miss them both so much. I feel like I'm missing a limb, but it's only just bearable.

  It helps that I still speak with them all the time. Kitt calls me every night and talks to me until I fall asleep. I'm not sure whom he's doing it for the most, but we both need to fall asleep with each other.

  Jennifer is brewing a pot of coffee when I walk into the kitchen. Her hair, makeup, and outfit are flawless, and it's not even eight in the morning yet.

  How does she do it? She must get up at six a.m.

  "Good morning, Texas," she says, taking another mug from the cupboard for me.

  "Morning."

  "How are you doing?"

  She asks me that every morning and evening. I think she asks because she cares, but I can't make myself believe it. Whenever we talk, I feel like there's an agenda.

  Is she only doing it because she feels guilty for not being around? Does she only like me because I don't require feeding, changing, teaching?

  "I'm okay. I've not seen much more about the woman's baby, so I think it's dying down."

  She gives me a smile. "It always does."

  She'd know. When it came out that I was living with Dad and she'd gone back to London, she got a lot of shit for it. People couldn't understand why she'd left me. I still can't even though Dad has explained. I can't say that I'm okay with it, but I don't hate her. I would never call her terrible names, like the way others did.

  "Do you think you'll return on tour for the next leg? You love Australia."

  "I'm not sure. As much as I hate being away from Dad and Kitt, I kind of want to find out what I'm good at. I don't think I'll do that if I'm forever tucked away in the tour bubble."

  Jennifer flashes her perfect teeth in a Hollywood smile and hands me my coffee. "Let's sit in the drawing room, and we can talk through your options."

  I don't know why the kitchen isn't good enough for coffee consumption, but apparently, it's not, so I follow her into the next room. It's huge, painted light grey with high ceilings, dark wood floor, stylish vintage seats, and a massive marble fireplace.

  There is no TV. It's the only flaw.

  She sits opposite me and puts her drink down. I keep hold of mine. There's not much that will get me to pry my fingers off my coffee until it's drained.

  "Have you given it much thought?" she asks.

  "To?"

  "To what you'd like to do. Texas, you're beautiful and intelligent. You can do whatever you want."

  "Yeah, no idea."

  "Well, would you like to pursue something in the field of your studies?" The distaste drips from her words. She never liked that I studied something so gruesome.

  "I'm not sure. I chose that because it interested me, but I don't think I want it to be my career."

  "Lovely." She raises her eyebrows. "What about modelling? You have the face and the figure."

  I blink. "Um..." My modelling background is limited to a few shoots with Dad over the years. I don't know if I'd have the patience to do what Jennifer does.

  "Why not give it a try? There is no harm in having a go. It's the only true way to know if you enjoy something."

  "Okay," I reply, not entirely sure how we got here.

  She brightens, and her green eyes sparkle. "Fabulous."

  Is it?

  "I have a shoot at noon and then dinner with friends tonight. I would love it if you accompanied me. You've seen your dad at work a million times over. I'd like to share that with you, too."

  I lick my lips. She would? I look down and mutter, "Sure."

  God, why is this so awkward?

  I have no trouble with talking to Dad about almost anything. With Jennifer, I want to keep things to safe small talk.

  "Thank you, Texas," she replies, her voice wobbling with emotion.

  Shit.

  I'm not good with this. My skin is buzzing, signalling for me to get the hell out of here. But I won't let myself. I won't run from my relationship with her, not now that I'm trying the adult thing. No matter how hard it is to connect with her, I'll try. Maybe we'll both get something out of it, or maybe not, but it's worth a try.

  Like modelling?

  Yeah, I'll see how that one goes.

  "It'll be nice to spend some time together," I say.

  "I'm so pleased to hear that. I've wanted to show you off and take you to see what I do for years. Perhaps we can go shopping, too, and get you some new clothes."

  I look down at my ripped denim shorts and System of a Down T-shirt. "What's wrong with my clothes?"

  "Oh, nothing. I've always loved your sense of style, but you don't have a lot here, and I'd like to help you pick out a few things."

  That's her way of saying she wants to choose my outfits because she's not happy with what I wear.

  I shrug one shoulder. "Sure. I'm just going to try Dad," I say, holding up my phone.

  I step out of the room, and the phone rings a few times before I hear Dad's voice.

  "Texas, are you okay?"

  "Yeah. Are you?"

  "It's different," he replies.

  "Things calmed down?"

  He clears his throat, and that means they have, but he doesn't want to say because that'll be admitting that I was the problem. Dad has never seen me as a problem.

  "Things are going well," he replies.

  "I'm glad. It's not bad here either. Plus, Jennifer has, like, thirty bodyguards."

  He chuckles. "Yes, she does go over the top there. But it allows me to sleep easier, knowing you're well protected."

  "Always have been, Dad. Where are you now?"

  "About to hit the sack."

  "Oh, sorry."

  "No, don't go yet. Have you spoken to Kitt?"

  My heart stops. "Not yet. Why?"

  "No reason. You always assume the worst. He misses you."

  "I miss him, too."

  "I know, love. Don't tell him I told you, but he has a countdown on his phone."

  I laugh and bite my lip. "He does?" God, even from halfway around the world, he still makes me feel like the only person on the planet.

  "He would kill me if he knew I'd mentioned it."

  "I'm glad you did."

  "Me, too. How is Jennifer? Are you enjoying your time with her?" He sounds scared to ask and scared for my reply. It would really hurt him if he thought I hated it here.

  I lea
n against the wall because this is as shocking to me as it will be to him. "Actually, it's okay."

  "Wow."

  "I know. Not sure how or when it happened, but I feel different being here compared to when I visited before. I'm trying, and so is she. She's taking me to work with her today. Said she'd like to show me what she does, the way I've seen what you do." Nerves are buzzing in my stomach. "I didn't know I had so much hope for a relationship with her."

  "Tex," Dad says on a sigh, "of course you do. She's your mum."

  I clear my throat. "I'll let you know how it goes."

  "Enjoy it. Anyway, I'm sorry to run so soon, but we have an early start. Unless there's something else you need?"

  "No, I'm good. Just wanted to say hi. I'll speak to you later, Dad."

  "Love you, pumpkin."

  If he loved me, he would drop that fucking nickname.

  "Love you, too, Dad."

  I hang up and immediately fire a text off to Kitt.

  How many days now?

  His reply comes fast.

  I'm going to fucking kill him.

  I laugh and squeeze my phone. God, I miss him.

  Sleep, rock star. I'll speak to you tomorrow...when we're a day closer.

  I'm going off you, Tex.

  No, you're not. Love you. x

  He sends back a single kiss, which makes my heart race. He doesn't need any more than one letter to let me know how he feels.

  "Everything all right?" Jennifer asks when I go back into the drawing room.

  "Yeah, fine," I reply with a smile. "Dad's good, and so is Kitt."

  "Glad to hear it."

  I down the last of my coffee. "So, where to first?"

  Her smile makes me wish we'd done this sooner. I'm not naive enough to think that one outing together will fix a lifetime of rejection and confusion, but it's a start. I want to understand her.

  Kitt lost his mum before he was old enough to even remember her. It puts things into perspective. If Jennifer and I can work out a way to have a relationship deeper than the odd phone call and short visit, then I'm all in.

  "Thank you, darling. We'll start with breakfast and shopping. Come, I know the perfect place. You'll love the food."

  With hope in my heart, I return her smile.

  KITT

  SATURDAY, JULY 18

  DENVER, COLORADO

  I'm exhausted. Walking to my hotel room took every last ounce of energy I had left. I feel like we've been doing back-to-back shows for a year. It was always going to be full-on, and we chose for it to be like this, but it's not easy.