Junie B. Jones and Her Big Fat Mouth

  Contents

  1. Punishment

  2. The Cop and Dr. Smiley

  3. Me and My Big Fat Mouth

  4. Dumb Ollie

  5. Shining

  6. Tingling

  7. Jobs and Jobs

  8. Gus Vallony

  1/Punishment

  My name is Junie B. Jones. The B stands for Beatrice. Except I don’t like Beatrice. I just like B and that’s all.

  I go to kindergarten. My room is named Room Nine. There are lots of rules in that place.

  Like no shouting.

  And no running in the hall.

  And no butting the other children in the stomach with your head.

  My teacher’s name is Mrs.

  She has another name, too. But I just like Mrs. and that’s all.

  Last week Mrs. clapped her loud hands together. Then she made a ’nouncement to us.

  A ’nouncement is the school word for telling us something very important.

  “Boys and girls. May I have your attention, please?” she said. “Today is going to be a special day in Room Nine. We’re going to be talking about different careers you can have when you grow up.”

  “Yeah, only guess what?” I said. “I never even heard of that dumb word careers before. And so I won’t know what the heck we’re talking about.”

  Mrs. made squinty eyes at me. “A career is a job, Junie B.,” she said. “And please raise your hand before you speak.”

  Then Mrs. talked some more about careers. And she said Monday was going to be called Job Day. And everybody in Room Nine would come to school dressed up like what kind of job they wanted to be.

  After that, Room Nine was very excited. Except for not me. ’Cause I had a big problem, that’s why.

  “Yeah, only guess what?” I said. “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. And so that means I can’t come to school on Monday. And now I’ll probably flunk kindergarten.”

  “Hurray!” shouted a mean boy named Jim.

  I made a fist at him. “How’d you like a knuckle sandwich, you big fat Jim?” I shouted right back.

  Mrs. came over to my table. She bended down next to me.

  “Please, Junie B. You simply must try to control yourself better in class. We’ve talked about this before, remember?”

  “Yes,” I said nicely. “Only I hate that dumb guy.”

  Just then my bestest friend Lucille—who sits next to me—stood up and fluffed her ruffly dress.

  “I always control myself, don’t I, Teacher?” she said. “That’s because my nanna taught me to act like a little lady. And so Junie B. Jones should act more like me.”

  I made a growly face at her. “I do act like a little lady, you dumb bunny Lucille! And don’t say that again, or I’ll knock you on your can.”

  Mrs. did a frown at me.

  “Just kidding,” I said very quick.

  Except for Mrs. kept on frowning. And then she gave me punishment.

  Punishment is the school word for sitting at a big table all by yourself.

  And everybody keeps on staring at you.

  And it makes you feel like P.U.

  That’s how come I put my head down on the table. And I covered it up with my arms.

  ’Cause punishment takes the friendly right out of you.

  And so at recess I didn’t speak to Lucille. And I didn’t speak to my other bestest friend named Grace, either.

  I just sat down in the grass all by myself.

  And I watched Janitor paint the litter cans.

  And I played with a stick and an ant and that’s all.

  “I hate Room Nine,” I said very grumpity.

  Except for just then I saw something very wonderful in the grass! And its name was two cherry Life Savers!

  “Hey! I love those guys!” I said.

  Then I quick picked one up. And I blowed off the germs. And I put it right in my mouth.

  “WAIT! DON’T DO THAT!” shouted a loud voice at me. “SPIT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW!”

  I turned my head.

  It was Janitor! He was running at me speedy quick. His jingly keys were jangling all over the place.

  “SPIT THAT OUT, I SAID!” he yelled again.

  And so then I spit the cherry Life Saver on the ground. ’Cause the guy was scaring me, that’s why.

  Janitor bended down next to me.

  “I didn’t mean to frighten you, sis,” he said. “But I spotted a bunch of dirty candy in the grass. And I was going to clean it up when I finished painting.”

  He looked serious at me. “Don’t you ever eat anything you find on the ground. Do you hear? Not ever.”

  “But I blowed off the germs,” I told him.

  Janitor shook his head. “You can’t blow germs off,” he said. “Eating things that you find on the ground is very, very dangerous.”

  Then Janitor picked up the dangerous candy. “Now run along and play,” he said.

  I did a big sigh. “Yeah, only I can’t,” I said. “’Cause I shot off my big fat mouth in kindergarten. And then I got punishment. And now I hate my bestest friend Lucille.”

  Janitor smiled a little bit sad. “Life is hard sometimes, isn’t it, sis?” he said.

  I bobbed my head up and down. “Yes,” I said. “Life is P.U.”

  Then Janitor patted my head and he walked away.

  And so guess what?

  I just like Janitor.

  And that’s all.

  2/The Cop and Dr. Smiley

  When we came in from recess, Mrs. was clapping her loud hands together again.

  “Boys and girls, please take your seats quickly! I’ve got a wonderful surprise for you!”

  Then I got very excited inside my stomach! Because surprises are my most favorite things in the whole world!

  “IS IT JELLY DOUGHNUTS?” I shouted.

  Mrs. put her finger to her lips. That means be quiet.

  “YEAH, ONLY GUESS WHAT? JELLY DOUGHNUTS ARE MY MOST FAVORITE KIND OF DOUGHNUTS! EXCEPT I ALSO LIKE THE CREAMY KIND. AND THE CHOCOLATE KIND! AND THE KIND WITH RAINBOW SPRINKLES ON THE TOP!”

  After that, my mouth got very watering. And some drool fell on the table.

  I wiped it up with my sweater sleeve.

  Just then there was a knock on the door.

  Mrs. hurried to open it.

  “HEY! IT’S A COP!” I hollered very excited.

  The cop came into Room Nine.

  He had on a blue shirt with a shiny badge. And shiny black boots. And a shiny white motorcycle helmet.

  Mrs. smiled. “Boys and girls, I would like you to meet my friend, Officer Mike. Officer Mike is a policeman. Who can tell me what policemen do?”

  “I can!” I called out. “They rest people! ’Cause one time some cops rested a guy on my street. And so that means they made him take a nap, I think.”

  Just then that Jim I hate laughed very loud.

  “They didn’t rest him, stupid!” he hollered. “They arrested him! That means they took him to jail. And so your neighbor’s a dirty rotten jailbird!”

  Then the other kids laughed too. And so I hided my head.

  “Yeah, only I hardly even know the guy,” I said to just myself.

  After that, Officer Mike took off his shiny white helmet. And he told us some other stuff that cops do. Like give our dads speeding tickets. And rest drunk guys.

  Also he let us play with his handcuffs and his shiny white helmet. Except for the helmet was very too big for my head. And it covered my whole entire eyes.

  “HEY! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?” I said.

  ’Cause that was a funny joke, of course.

  Then another knock came at the door.

  This
time it was a lady in a long white jacket. She was carrying a giant red toothbrush.

  “Boys and girls, this is Dr. Smiley,” said Mrs. “Dr. Smiley is a children’s dentist.”

  Dr. Smiley hung up some posters of teeth. Then she talked all about Mr. Tooth Decay. And she said to brush our teeth at night. And also in the morning.

  “Yeah, ’cause if you don’t brush in the morning, your breath smells like stink,” I said.

  After that I showed Dr. Smiley my wiggling tooth.

  “Losing baby teeth is exciting, isn’t it?” she asked.

  “Yes,” I said. “Except for I don’t like the part where you cry and spit blood.”

  Dr. Smiley made a sick face. Then she passed out minty green dental floss. And all the kids in Room Nine practiced flossing.

  Flossing is when you pull strings through your mouth.

  Only pretty soon an accident happened.

  That’s because a boy named William winded his floss too tight. And his teeth and head got in a tangled knot ball. And Dr. Smiley couldn’t undo him.

  Then Mrs. had to call Janitor speedy quick. And so he runned to Room Nine. And he shined his giant flashlight in William’s mouth.

  And then Dr. Smiley got the dangerous floss right out of there!

  Room Nine clapped and clapped.

  Dr. Smiley did a bow.

  Then Mrs. said that maybe some of us might like to dress up like dentists or police officers on Job Day.

  “Yeah, only what if you don’t like drunk guys or bloody teeth?” I asked.

  Mrs. rolled her eyes way up at the ceiling. Then she walked Officer Mike and Dr. Smiley out into the hall.

  That’s when Room Nine started buzzing very loud.

  Buzzing is what you do when your teacher leaves the room.

  “I’m going to dress up like an actress on Job Day,” said a girl named Emily.

  “I’m going to dress up like a princess,” said my bestest friend Lucille that I hate.

  I did a giggle. “I’m going to dress up like a bullfighter!” I said.

  Then I ran speedy fast around the room. And I butted that mean Jim in the stomach with my head.

  And guess what?

  I didn’t even get caught!

  That’s what!

  3/Me and My Big Fat Mouth

  After school was over, me and my bestest friend named Grace walked to the bus together.

  Except for that Grace kept on wanting to skip. And I didn’t.

  “How come you don’t want to skip?” she said. “Me and you always skip to the bus.”

  “I know, Grace,” I said. “But today I’ve got a very big problem inside my head. And it’s called I still don’t know what job I want to be when I grow up.”

  “I do,” said that Grace. “I’m going to be Mickey Mouse at Disneyland.”

  I did a big sigh at her. “Yeah, only too bad for you, Grace,” I said. “’Cause there’s only one real alive Mickey Mouse. And you’re not him.”

  That Grace laughed very hard.

  “Mickey isn’t real, silly. He’s just a mouse suit with a guy inside,” she said.

  And so just then I felt very sickish inside of my stomach.

  ’Cause I didn’t know Mickey was a suit, that’s why.

  “What did you have to tell me that for, Grace?” I said real upset. “Now I feel very depressed.”

  Then I hurried up on the bus. And I scooted way over by the window.

  Except I couldn’t get any peace and quiet. ’Cause everybody kept on talking about dumb old Job Day.

  “I’m going to be a famous singer,” said a girl named Rose.

  “I’m going to be a famous baton twirler,” said another girl named Lynnie.

  Then a girl named Charlotte said she was going to be a famous painter. “Famous painters are called artists,” she explained. “And artists are very rich.”

  After that I felt a little bit cheerier. ’Cause guess what? Grandma Miller says I paint beautifully, that’s what.

  “Hey. Maybe I’ll be a famous painter too,” I said.

  “I’m gonna be a prison guard,” said a boy named Roger. “My uncle Roy is a prison guard. And he gets to carry the keys for the whole entire prison.”

  Then my mouth did a smile. ’Cause one time my dad gave me the key to the front door. And I unlocked it all by myself. And I didn’t even need any help!

  “Hey. Maybe I might carry keys too, Roger,” I said. “’Cause I know how to use those things very good.”

  Just then William raised his hand very bashful. “I’m going to be a superhero and save people from danger,” he said.

  And so then I jumped right out of my seat! ’Cause that was the bestest idea of all!

  “Me too, William!” I hollered. “’Cause that sounds very exciting, I think. And so I’m going to save people from danger too!”

  Then that mean Jim jumped up at me. “Copycat! Copycat! You’re just copying everybody else. And anyway, you can’t be three jobs! You can only be one!”

  I made a growly face at him.

  “I am just being one job!” I said very angry. “It’s a special kind of job where you paint and you unlock stuff and you save people! So there! Ha-ha on you!”

  That Jim made a cuckoo sign at me.

  “Goonie,” he said. “Goonie B. Jones. There’s no such job like that in the whole entire universe!”

  “YES, THERE IS! THERE IS TOO, YOU BIG FAT JIM!” I yelled. “AND IT’S THE BESTEST JOB IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!”

  He crossed his arms and did a mean smile.

  “Okay. Then what’s the name of it?” he said.

  Then the bus got very quiet.

  And everybody kept on waiting and waiting for me to say the name of my job.

  Except for I just couldn’t think of anything.

  And so my face got very reddish and hottish.

  And I felt like P.U. again.

  “See? Told ja!” said that mean Jim. “There is no such job! Told ja! Told ja! Told ja!”

  After that I sat down very quiet. And I stared out the window.

  ’Cause the sickish feeling was back inside my stomach again, that’s why.

  Me and my big fat mouth.

  4/Dumb Ollie

  I got off the bus at my corner. Then I runned to my house speedy quick.

  “HELP! HELP! I’M IN BIG TROUBLE!” I yelled to Mother. “’CAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY SHOT OFF MY BIG FAT MOUTH ON THE BUS! AND NOW I HAVE TO PAINT AND UNLOCK STUFF AND SAVE PEOPLE FROM DANGER! ONLY WHAT KIND OF STUPID DUMB JOB IS THAT?”

  “Back here,” called Mother.

  Back here means the nursery. The nursery is the place where my new baby brother named Ollie lives.

  I ran there my very fastest.

  Mother was rocking Ollie in the rocking chair. He was a little bit sleeping.

  “I NEED TO TALK TO YOU VERY BAD!” I shouted some more. “’CAUSE I DID A BIG FIB. AND NOW I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF IT!”

  Just then Ollie waked up. He started crying very much.

  “Great,” said Mother very growly.

  “Yeah, only sorry, but I’m upset here,” I explained.

  Ollie screeched louder and louder. His voice sounded like a scratchy sore throat.

  Mother put him on her lap. Then she rubbed the sides of her forehead with her fingers.

  That’s ’cause she had a mybrain headache, I think.

  “You’re just going to have to wait until I get the baby settled again,” she said, still grumpy.

  “Yeah, only I can’t wait, ’cause—”

  Mother butted in. “Not now, Junie B.! I’ll be out to talk to you as soon as I can! Now please go!”

  Then she pointed at the door.

  Pointing means O-U-T.

  “Darn it,” I said. “Darn it, darn it, darn it.”

  ’Cause that dumb old baby takes up all of Mother’s time.

  And he’s not even interesting.

  He doesn’t know how to roll over. Or sit up. Or play Chin
ese checkers.

  He is a dud, I think.

  I would like to take him back to the hospital. But Mother said no.

  After I left the nursery, I went outside in my front yard.

  Then I sat in the grass all by myself. And I played with a stick and another ant.

  Only this stupid ant bited me. And so I had to drop a rock on his head.

  Finally my daddy’s car came into the driveway. And my heart got very happy.

  “Daddy’s home! Daddy’s home! Hurray! Hurray!” I yelled.

  Then I ran to him. And he picked me up. And I gave him my most biggest hug.

  “I’m very glad to see you!” I said. “’Cause on Monday I have to dress up like what job I want to be. Except for I accidentally said I’m going to paint and save people and carry lots of keys. Only what kind of dumb bunny job is that?”

  My daddy put me down. His eyebrows looked confused at me.

  “Can we talk about this at dinner?” he asked.

  “No,” I said. “We have to talk right now. ’Cause I’ve already waited all I can. And I’m getting tension in me.”

  “Well, I’m afraid you’re just going to have to wait a little while longer,” said Daddy. “Because right now I’ve got to see if your mother needs help with the baby.”

  Then he did a kiss on my head. And he walked right into the house!

  And guess what?

  Sometimes I wish stupid dumb Ollie never even came to live with us.

  5/Shining

  When I went back inside, Ollie was still very screaming.

  That’s ’cause Mother couldn’t find his pacifier.

  Pacifiers are what babies like to suck on. Except I don’t know why. ’Cause one time I sucked on Ollie’s. And it tasted like my red sneakers.

  Just then Mother runned out of Ollie’s room.

  And her hair was very sticking out.

  And her clothes were all wrinkly.

  And she was wearing one sock, and that’s all.

  “WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS THE PACIFIER? IT JUST DIDN’T DISAPPEAR INTO THIN AIR, YOU KNOW!” she hollered very loud.

  Then me and Daddy had to help Mother look for the pacifier speedy quick. ’Cause she was losing her grip, I think.