Not A Hero: A Bad Boy Marine Romance

  She handed him a glass of water and he took his medications, one at a time, slowly chugging to get them down. He coughed and sputtered a few times, his breathing making it more difficult.

  “You sure you’re going to be able to eat those brownies?” she asked. “You haven’t been keeping much down lately.”

  “I’m sure,” he confirmed. “Especially if it has that caramel swirl you put in last time. Mmm-mmm.”

  When he was finished with the medication, she helped him lean forward and unbuttoned his pajama top before also helping him scoot out of the rest of his clothes. Using hospital-grade sanitizing wipes, she helped him wash and then get re-dressed in fresh pants and his favorite shirt, which he’d insisted on wearing today. The shirt was from his days as an active duty Marine, the logo prominently displayed, and he seemed to sit taller and prouder whenever he had it on.

  “He’s doing better—don’t you think?” Walter spoke, startling her slightly as they’d spent the last ten minutes or so in silence as they’d focused on getting him clean and changed.

  “Who?” Zoe asked, heading to the master bathroom to toss out the used wipes and wash her hands.

  “Miles,” he answered when she re-entered the bedroom. “The last couple weeks…he’s been better, right?”

  “I haven’t really thought about it,” she replied, not completely truthful, as she opened Walter’s chart and updated his vitals for the morning.

  She had promised herself several weeks ago she was moving on with her life, and so she’d been trying not to dwell on him. It had kind of worked…kind of. She didn’t go out of her way to avoid him as much anymore, and with his job, she rarely saw him anyway.

  By the time he got home from work, he had dinner with his father and helped get him to bed after, which had given her a nice break in the evenings the last few weeks. Miles also spent every weekend, all day both days, with Walter, and they seemed to be bonding again, which made her heart warm.

  He was putting in an effort to be there for his father, and even though her chest ached every time she saw his sad eyes, she was no longer holding on to the hope he’d turn it all around and be the man she wanted him to be. All she wanted now was for him to be happy within himself.

  “You know what, now that I think about it, I think you’re right,” she finally agreed.

  “He’s stepped up, really been here for me.”

  “He has,” she said, smiling at the happiness on Walter’s face.

  “He’s in therapy, you know,” Walter continued. “Started a couple weeks back, and I think it’s helping.”

  “Really?” The news surprised Zoe, but her heart warmed at the thought. She’d begged him to go a few times, but she’d tried to be understanding of why he hadn’t been ready. Dealing with his demons was something he had to do on his own schedule. “That’s wonderful.”

  Walter nodded, and then his face darkened. “He did something awful over there, Zo. He finally talked to me about it last week, and…” His voice trailed off, and she saw him swallowing hard before reaching for a tissue. “I mean, it’s not his fault. He did what he had to do, you know? War is…hell. That’s why I’m glad he’s getting help, even if it’s only for my sake. The demons he’s carrying are too heavy to bear alone.”

  Zoe sank down, sitting on the foot of the bed as she studied Walter’s face. Memories of when she’d asked Miles if there was anything he was ashamed of flooded back to her. He’d never actually answered her questions, sidestepping them and distracting her as things heated between them. She felt a renewed sense of sadness in her heart knowing Miles had been carrying this around for so long.

  And then, a renewed sense of anger that he hadn’t let her help carry it.

  She’d begged him to let her in and let her help, and he had in a small way, but he’d always kept a barrier between them. He’d kept his secrets, and that had hurt him…but it’d hurt her, too.

  “I didn’t know,” Zoe finally admitted, staring down at the sheets over Walter’s legs. “He never told me.”

  “Took him a while to tell me,” Walter admitted. “When he came home at the start of the summer, he wasn’t the boy I remembered, or even the boy who’d come home every once in a while over the last eight years. He was…lost.”

  “I remember,” she agreed, because while she had not seen him since high school, the Miles who had entered her life a few months ago was not at all the Miles she knew as a kid.

  The brief moments when he’d been open and vulnerable with her had been the only moments she was sure she’d seen his true self. The rest of the time, it had been like he was acting the part of someone he thought he should be, or someone who didn’t deserve better, and she’d never understood why until now. He was punishing himself.

  But, in doing that, he was also punishing her.

  “He’s not so lost anymore,” Walter said. “I’ve been waiting for him to find his way.”

  “I have, too,” Zoe admitted, even though it hurt her heart to say it.

  Walter didn’t say anything for a minute, then he took a slow breath. “Can I ask you for a favor?”

  “Of course,” Zoe replied quickly, he could ask her anything and she’d move heaven and earth to get it for him.

  “Don’t close that door completely.” Walter gave her a pointed look, and she knew he was talking about Miles. “Do what’s best for you, but if maybe there’s a chance he could be that, don’t miss it because of hurt feelings. Don’t close your heart to love a second time just because love broke it the first time.”

  Zoe felt tears welling in her eyes, but blinked them away and forced out a small smile. “I promise. The door is open—maybe only a crack, but it’s open.”

  He smiled and nodded. “Good. I needed to know that today. He’s a good man.”

  “Now, how about some brownies?” Zoe tried to lighten the subject, standing and heading for the door.

  “Sounds perfect,” Walter agreed. “Hey, can you ask Miles to have breakfast with me? He’s probably still sleeping since it’s so early.”

  Zoe chuckled. “I’ll ask, but I don’t know how excited he’ll be for brownies at six o’clock in the morning.”

  Walter shrugged, his smile never fading. “Never a wrong time for chocolate.”

  “That’s true,” Zoe said with a laugh before heading out the door.

  The brownies didn’t take too long to whip together, a simple out-of-the-box recipe with her own addition of swirled caramel ribbons on top. Popping the batter in the oven, she headed back up the stairs to Miles’s bedroom and knocked on the door.

  No sound came from inside after she’d knocked two more times, so she gently pushed open the door and peeked inside. “Miles?”

  She saw a big lump under the covers, but again, no movement. Leaving the door ajar behind her, she walked over to the bed and stared down at him. A memory hit her of the last time she’d done this, and how he’d panicked at her sudden presence and yanked her into bed with him. She’d been so startled, she hadn’t even objected, and then, of course, the night had taken on a very different tone.

  Her cheeks flushed slightly as she pushed away the memory. He looked a lot more peaceful this time than she’d seem him before, and she almost didn’t want to wake him.

  Reaching forward, she tapped him on the shoulder with a bit of force, then quickly stepped back to avoid being grabbed again. “Miles?”

  He groaned and stretched, yawning as he blinked his eyes open to look at her. “Oh, hey.”

  “Um, your dad asked me to wake you to have breakfast with him.” She shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other as he sat up, the blanket falling to his lap to reveal his bare chest. Her body immediately responded to the sight, and she crossed her arms over her chest so he wouldn’t see her nipples pressing through her shirt. “So, yeah, that’s why I’m here.”

  His lips twitched slightly as he stared at her, then he pushed off the blankets entirely and climbed out of bed. “All right, I’m coming. Let me get
dressed.”

  She focused her gaze on the ceiling the moment she realized he was only wearing a pair of deliciously tight boxer briefs. “Good. We’re having brownies.”

  “What?” Miles asked, looking perplexed.

  She shrugged and headed for the door. “That’s what he asked for.”

  Miles laughed. “Brownies it is, then.”

  Zoe didn’t reply, leaving him to change. She hurried back down the stairs to the kitchen, busying herself as the brownies finished baking. Her mind was whirling as she tried to figure out her emotions. After everything Walter had told her this morning, she’d felt a part of her resolve begin to crumble, her walls lowering ever so slightly.

  Now that she was looking for it, she could see the big changes he’d been making lately—the way he was focusing on his father and other people, excelling in his job so much he’d already been trusted with extra clients, or even in the simple things, like how he had looked calm in his sleep this morning, and woken up the same way.

  They may seem miniscule to most, but these were big steps for him, and she couldn’t help but feel proud, and happy for him. Sure, they hadn’t worked out, but she had always wanted the best for him.

  The timer buzzed, and she pulled the brownies out then turned off the oven. Giving them a minute or two to cool down, Zoe prepped a few plates with cut strawberries—her attempt at something sensible for breakfast—and arranged the plates nicely on a tray with some napkins and silverware. Transferring a few brownies to each plate, she then carefully drizzled extra caramel across the tops.

  Satisfied with her work, she picked up the tray and carried it carefully to Walter’s room. He wasn’t getting out of bed much lately, feeling weaker and weaker every day. She’d actually been surprised he’d been so talkative and lively this morning, because he’d definitely been slowing down and she’d been in touch with his doctor more than once to prepare for what was coming.

  Walter was as much a planner as she was, and had already made sure his paperwork was up-to-date and his wishes were known by everyone months ago—just another thing she loved about him.

  Raucous laughter was coming from the bedroom when she arrived, and she smiled to see Miles stretched out across the foot of the bed, his hands behind his head as he looked at the ceiling and joked around with his father.

  “Oh, let me help you with that,” Miles said, jumping up to take the tray from her. “Dad, brownies? Really? I thought she was kidding when she told me.”

  “Yes, really,” Walter replied, unfazed at the strange request. “Who doesn’t love brownies?”

  “You got me there, Pops,” Miles said with a chuckle as he took a plate and handed it to his father, along with a fork and napkin.

  “Especially when Zoe makes them,” Walter added. “Can’t beat ’em.”

  “No, you can’t.” Miles smiled at her, appreciation in expression.

  Zoe shrugged, grabbing another plate off the tray and handing it to Miles. “It’s not me,” she insisted. “It’s the caramel.”

  “I think it’s you…and the caramel,” Miles disagreed, his gaze holding hers as he took the plate from her.

  It wasn’t the usual sadness or moping, or even the distance that had settled between them the last few weeks. There was genuine engagement in his eyes, and it made her nervous her walls might not be strong enough.

  “Thank you, Zoe.”

  “You’re welcome,” she said, swallowing hard at the butterflies in her stomach that she both didn’t understand and didn’t want. “Come on, let’s eat.”

  Miles rejoined his father on the bed, and Zoe took a seat in the armchair she normally sat in when she was with Walter. Everyone ate their first brownie in silence, as if savoring the moment, letting the rich taste at barely seven o’clock in the morning wake them.

  It didn’t take long for conversation to spark as they all dove into their second piece and Walter began telling them stories about his life, his time in the war, or marrying his wife. He told them stories they’d both heard before about Miles as a child, and some Zoe hadn’t heard before too.

  Those were always her favorite moments over the last year she’d spent working with Walter. He had stories for days, and he could even repeat the same story he’d told her ten times, but still make it sound new and funny each time. She might know more about Miles’s childhood than he even knew by now, and she loved every second of it. His stories from his own childhood or his time in the service, none of it was ever dull. Hearing about how Walter fell in love with Miles’s mother—it was inspiring.

  She’d spend the rest of her life, although hopefully it wouldn’t take so long, looking for a love like that. A love filled every part of her until it defined her, and her life could be marked by the milestones of their moments together.

  That was the kind of love she thought she’d found once, and the small crack in the door of her heart pushed just a little bit wider.

  25

  Eating brownies for breakfast had woken Miles more than a cup of coffee ever could. It wasn’t even the sugar, but the breakfast itself—lively and happy. He hadn’t seen his father looking so energetic in a while, and he’d loved the chance to reminisce and hear all his father’s old stories he’d heard a hundred times but still not enough.

  It felt really good having Zoe there for that—natural, even. She belonged with his father as much as he did, and he saw that even more clearly this morning. It gave Miles a whole new level of appreciation for the woman who’d been caring for his father long before he’d ever come back home.

  After breakfast, his father had beckoned him to the side of the bed and given him a hug. Miles had been caught off guard, since his father had never been big on physical affection, but he’d loved the gesture. Walter had continued on to tell him he was proud of him, how he could see the progress Miles was making in his life, and was excited for his future. It had taken all of Miles’s self-control to keep from tearing up, his heart soaring at his father’s approval.

  He promised his father he’d keep working hard, and he meant it. Therapy hadn’t been nearly as awful as he’d thought it would be. In fact, he was surprised he actually felt more in control of himself than ever before. His emotions had been going haywire ever since he’d returned home a few months ago—yo-yoing from angry to guilt-ridden to happier than he’d ever been and in love. All of that at one time had been more than he could handle properly.

  He only wished he hadn’t hurt Zoe in the process, even though he was still certain that the decision to end their relationship—if you can even call it that—was still the right choice. She deserved a lot better than he could provide right now, and he was certain if she ever found out about his past, she’d hate him.

  He wouldn’t blame her one bit.

  Miles sighed as he finished pulling on his suit jacket, ready to head out for work. He normally wouldn’t have been up so early and would be rushing to not be late, but having breakfast with his father had been nice and given him plenty of time before he needed to be headed out the door.

  Yawning slightly, he brushed his fingers through his hair and checked his reflection in the mirror one more time, straightening the lapels on his jacket. His new job required professional, but not attention-grabbing, attire. He was supposed to blend into the background whenever needed, and he liked it that way. His client list had grown much faster than the company had expected from him, and he found himself not only providing security for private events and high-profile people but coordinating and managing a team.

  Shoving his wallet and keys in his pocket, he exited his room and headed down the hallway to his father’s room to say goodbye. Zoe’s door was open when he passed, and he paused in front of it when he saw her sitting on the window seat, her feet tucked under her as she read a book.

  “Hey,” he said, leaning against the doorframe. “I’m headed out.”

  She looked up from her book, nodding. “Okay.”

  “Thanks for breakfast.” He felt some s
ort of draw to stay, to not rush out so quickly, and he wasn’t sure why. Part of him wondered if it was her, if the interaction with her and his father this morning had made him miss what they could have been.

  “No problem,” she said with an appreciative smile. He found himself hoping there was something deeper underneath it, but no, she was just being polite. “Your father wanted to take a nap after we ate, so he’s sleeping, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you woke him briefly to say goodbye.”

  Miles nodded. “Yeah, I think I’ll do that. Thanks.”

  She smiled her polite smile again and turned back to her book.

  He waited another moment, but then pushed off her doorframe and headed down the hallway to his father’s room.

  Tapping on the door a couple times, he pushed it open and headed over to his father’s bed. “Hey, Dad. I’m headed out.”

  His father didn’t move.

  “Dad?”

  Miles leaned down and tapped his father’s shoulder, but Walter’s eyes didn’t open.

  His chest didn’t rise and fall.

  “Dad? Oh, my God, Dad!” Grabbing his shoulders, he shook him gently, willing his eyes to open and his lungs to breathe. One single sob left his throat, and he fell to his knees at the edge of the bed. His father’s hand in his, still warm but unquestionably lifeless.

  Small hands touched his shoulders, squeezing gently. Zoe stepped around him, placing one hand on his father’s chest that was no longer lifting and falling, and the other on his wrist, checking for a pulse.

  After a quiet moment, she frowned and shook her head slowly.

  Miles began to sob harder.

  He was gone.

  “Miles, you out here?” Zoe called, sticking her head out the porch door and glancing around.

  He could see her out of his peripheral, but didn’t bother to turn his head and look completely. He raised his half-empty glass of whiskey and nodded. “Here.”

  “Oh, good.” She stepped out and closed the door behind her, walking over to him. She perched against the railing, crossing her arms over her chest. “The funeral home has everything he requested, and will have him ready for the wake in two days. I’ve boxed up all the medical equipment, and the company will be here get it in the morning.”