The Randy Romance Novelist

  “You didn’t?” I sat up in bed, placed my hand on his chest, and looked down at him. “What’s wrong?”

  Cupping my cheek with his strong hand, he sadly smiled and said, “Nothing you need to worry about. Now get back down here so I can get lost in your intoxicating scent.”

  I giggled as he encompassed me with his arms and buried his lips in my neck. I wanted to talk more about work, but by the way he shut me down rather quickly, I knew he wasn’t in the mood to talk about it, and I didn’t want to push him.

  “Are you ever going to get tired of me?” I asked, still insecure about my relationship.

  “Never, Rosie. I will never get fucking tired of you. You’re my girl.”

  I sighed and melted into his chest as his hands worked wonders with my breasts.

  “Mmm, are you looking to get some? Because I have some ideas of how we can meet each other over in Pleasure Town, USA.”

  Henry paused for a second and then spoke with his lips hovering over my skin. “We’re going to have to work on your dirty talk, love. I’m not going to lie; it’s not the best right now.”

  “Hey,” I said, offended. “I thought that was clever. Pleasure Town, USA was funny, witty, and exciting. Tell me one person who doesn’t want to go there?”

  “I think everyone wants to go there, love. I just don’t think anyone wants to talk about it in that context.”

  “All right, then what would you say, Mr. I’m-So-Great-at-Dirty-Talk?”

  “You really want to know?” Henry asked, flipping me on my back.

  “I do,” I responded, my chin held high in defiance.

  “Fine, I would whisper in your ear, so my lips barely grazed your skin and say, ‘I am going to fuck you until you can’t see anymore.’”

  Sweet Lady Marmalade.

  “How’s that, love?”

  I cleared my throat and nodded. “Yup, I think that would do it.”

  Chapter Four

  Abs and Schalongs

  HENRY

  I lay awake on the bed, Rosie snoring next to me. Thanks to the incessant crying of Sir Licks-a-Lot, I hadn’t been able to get a good night’s sleep for a few days. Well, that wasn’t true, my mind was also restless because of the meeting I had today with the board and the introduction of the new hire, but I was also irritated with the new member of our apartment.

  Due to his constant scratching on the bedroom door, we’d been forced to grant him access into our room at night. This was terrifying for a couple of reasons. One, I wasn’t entirely sure he wasn’t planning our deaths. I think suffocation might have been on his list of things to do in the near future. And two, he likes to stare . . . a lot. To the point that I felt like he was wearing a secret webcam in his collar and selling our bedroom activities to someone overseas for Internet porn. I would not be surprised at all if I ran into my white ass one day online.

  When I showered, he was right there, peering past the shower curtain, circling the claw foot tub, right on the edge, dancing dangerously with falling in. He insisted upon hacking a hairball onto my shoes every day, which looked like a piece of hair poop. Dude had to stop licking himself, because the hairballs were starting to really grate on my nerves, and it’d only been a few days. I tried talking to him, man to man, about the incessant licking, but he didn’t seem to take any notes. When I was finished with my lecture, he leaned forward and licked his butthole, pretty much a dick move. The little bastard didn’t even bother to hide his defiance.

  I stared up at the ceiling and wondered what today might bring. Who was this new hire they were bringing in? Was she actually going to be good at her job, or was she there to fill a quota?

  It felt like a knife was twisting around in my intestines, breaking everything up, and not in a good way. Anxiety wracked me as I sat there and tried to think of all the good things I had to offer to this job. I tried to think of the future I could obtain if I got this job. Rosie and I could start a life together, a family; we could have everything. She could become a full-time author and really focus on her art, rather than writing about the secret formula of catnip.

  Agitated, I ran my hands over my face, trying to wash away the nerves that continued to take over my body. To my side, Rosie started to wake up. Her arm stretched out over the bed and across my chest, where it landed on my bare skin. I looked over at her to see a sleepy smile caressing her lips.

  That little smile was all I needed. I rolled over and pinned her against the bed.

  “Morning,” I said, a deep timbre to my voice.

  Rosie sighed and sunk deeper into the bed.

  “Mmm, do you know what that just reminded me of?”

  “What?” I asked, kissing her cheek, down to her neck. She wiggled under me with every touch of my lips.

  “A book I recently read by S.C. Stephens, called Thoughtless. There is a character named Kellan Kyle who is an absolute dreamboat. He’s so dreamy. And every morning when Kiera comes downstairs, he always holds a coffee cup up to her and says, ‘Mornin.’ I think you just made my Kellan Kyle dreams come true.”

  Still kissing her neck and slowly working my way down to her breasts, I said, “I don’t think I like you having dreams about other men.”

  From the nip I made on her upper breast, she gasped. “They’re only fictional dreams, book boyfriends if you will.”

  My mouth hovered over her nipple as I looked up at her. “Book boyfriends?” My eyebrow quirked from my question.

  Her chest lifted, trying to bring my mouth to her nipple, but I didn’t budge until she answered my question. I didn’t care about her book boyfriends, I just enjoyed watching her squirm.

  “Henry, stop teasing me.”

  “Then tell me about this book boyfriend. Is he more handsome than me? Dreamier? Girthier?”

  A small snort popped out of her that she covered up quickly with her hand. She tilted her head slightly to the side and she smiled up at me. “Honestly, no. You are perfect book boyfriend material. If you were in a book, all my book friends would want to steal you from me. You’re sexy, funny, handsome, you have dreamy eyes, and your penis is perfect.”

  “Perfect? How does it compare to your book boyfriend’s?” I licked her nipple just as I asked the question. A sexy whimper escaped her as her breathing picked up.

  She thought about my question for a second and said, “Honestly, all book boyfriends have big penises. It’s a given. Abs and schalongs. I wouldn’t compare yourself to them.”

  “Is that right?” I bit down on her nipple, causing her to yelp. “Well then, I guess I will just take my non-book boyfriend dick to the shower and get ready for the day.”

  I started to move away when she grabbed my shoulders, a look of desperation in her eyes. “No, don’t leave. I was kidding. I can’t talk about your penis enough and all the good things about it. I love how it . . . uh . . .”

  “How it what?” I encouraged her. Rosie was still working on her ability to talk about sex and everything sex, so when I got the chance, I pushed her to go past her limits.

  Her face turned bright red as she bit down on her bottom lip, trying to figure out what to say. She was so fucking adorable it actually pained me sometimes.

  “I love how your penis . . .” She paused, her face turning a deeper shade of red as she cleared her throat. “I love how it fits inside of me.”

  “Oh, yeah?” I asked, moving my tongue around her nipple, making leisurely circles, watching as her breath started to catch in her throat with each lap. “How does it fit?”

  She gulped and started to move her hips against mine. “It fits . . . tight.”

  I sucked in her nipple, rewarding her for a good answer . . . a true answer. “How tight?”

  “Really tight.” She was breathless as she spoke. “So tight that sometimes I don’t think you’re actually going to be able to fit yourself inside.”

  “Want to find out?” I asked, moving one hand down to the breast I wasn’t paying any attention to. I plucked her nipple, rolling
it between my fingers while my tongue danced with the other.

  “Yes,” she moaned.

  “Yes, that feels good, or yes, you want me to fuck you?”

  Ducking her head, she nodded.

  “Say it, Rosie.”

  My finger pinched her nipple, spurring her to say, “Fuck me.”

  Like a lightning bolt to my dick, I was ready to be inside of her. Hearing such dirty words come from my sweet and innocent girl was a huge turn on. I loved how she wanted to experiment in the bedroom and how it took encouragement from me to help her break out of her shell. I especially loved it when she swore, since she never really did outside the bedroom.

  I moved my mouth up to her ear, where I pulled her lobe with my teeth right before saying, “Just what I wanted to hear.”

  I felt goosebumps spread across her skin from the satisfaction in my words. Moving my hand down to her legs, I spread them apart and glided my fingers across her pubic bone, teasing her even more.

  I learned Rosie wasn’t very patient when I was in charge. She didn’t like to be teased, and she hated more than anything taking it slow. Quickly, I glanced at the clock on the side table and noted I had a few minutes before I needed to be in the shower, so I moved my fingers just above her pussy and then pressed down on the outer edges, barely moving my fingers up and down, just close enough to her hole that she could feel the slightest pressure.

  A low moan rolled through her, her hips moved with my fingers, encouraging me to go lower, and her hands gripped the back of my neck, bringing my lips to hers.

  She was soft, yet tough with her movements. Her tongue was demanding, but also timid once I opened my mouth for her. She knew what she wanted, but when she got it, she shied away for a second, still wondering if I was hers for the taking. What she still didn’t get was that I was hers until the day I took my last breath.

  With her tongue searching mine, I couldn’t help but slip my fingers inside of her just an inch and then pull them out. She groaned in frustration, releasing my mouth from hers. Her hands went under the pillow where she grabbed it and moved her hips again, trying to force my fingers inside of her, but I held my ground as she twisted from annoyance.

  Since her arms propped her head up from behind now, her breasts pushed up toward the sky, giving me amazing access to do what I wanted with them.

  Rosie’s body was indescribable, incredibly curvy in all the right spots, a damn near perfect version of Jessica Rabbit. Her breasts were just the right weight for my hands, perky, yet rotund. I couldn’t explain it. I’ve always appreciated breasts before, but with Rosie, I wanted to lay down a red carpet for each one and be at their beck and call. All she has to do was not wear a bra and I was sunk. Yup, I was that guy when it came to Rosie, no self-control.

  That’s why I couldn’t get enough of her nipples, her pink little nipples that harden when I looked at her. My hand gripped her left breast, and brought it to a point, where I lower my head and sucked in her nipple . . . whole. My tongue lapped at the hardened peg, teasing and testing its sensitive nerves. I was rewarded with cries of pleasure escaping from those two stunning lips that I’d been blessed to call mine.

  Never one to pick favorites, I moved my mouth over to her right breast and performed the same routine; this time, her cries grew louder, because with each nip of my teeth, I pressed my fingers deeper inside of her until I couldn’t go any farther.

  Like the naughty little girl she was, she started rocking her hips on my fingers, and I let her. I let her ride them until she brought herself to the brink of climax and to the point that I couldn’t take it anymore.

  Sweat was coating both of our bodies as the sun shone in our window, letting us know it was the start to a new day.

  Not wanting to wait any longer, I grabbed a condom from the nightstand, slipped it on, and then guided myself inside. I hovered above her, happy with her no nonsense attitude this morning, just letting me take charge, doing what I did best . . . worshiping her.

  We both studied each other’s eyes as my hips moved in a perfect rhythm that matched our beating hearts. How could I not love this woman with everything in me when she looked up at me as if I were her knight in shining armor? As if I were her prince charming? The one man who could fulfill her every fantasy? Dare I say it . . . her book boyfriend?

  With each thrust, we both grew closer to our all-consuming climax. Our bodies rang out through the room, our moans echoed off the old plaster walls, and our scents mingled together, adding an erotic flair to our lovemaking.

  Everything about this woman I cherished, and I would be damned if I ever gave her up.

  “Yes,” she called out shyly, grabbing a hold of my ass and pulling on it with my movement.

  Fuck, just like that, my balls tightened, my toes curled, and an explosion burst from my chest, straight down my body. Rosie called out my name and I pushed in and out of her a few more times, riding our orgasms out until our bodies were completely sated.

  Out of breath, I rested my forehead on her shoulder and her hand went instinctively to my hair, where she played with the short strands on the back of my neck.

  “I love you,” I whispered. “So damn much.”

  “I love you, too.” She sighed and said, “Is it still weird for you to think that we are a couple?”

  She asked that question often; I wasn’t sure why because to me, being with Rosie was the most natural and honest relationship I’d ever experienced.

  I lifted my head from her shoulder and pressed it against her forehead. My lips quickly pecked hers and I said, “Rosie, I’ve never felt more comfortable or in love with another human being than I do with you. Our relationship isn’t weird to me; it’s natural, logical, and essential to my well-being.”

  “How did I get so lucky?” she asked, shifting to the side to look at the clock. I was about to answer her when she screamed right in my ear.

  Bringing my hand to my broken eardrum to prevent any further damage, I asked, “What the hell, love?”

  Without saying a word, she pointed to my side of the bed. I turned to find Sir Licks-a-Lot, leg extended in the air, toes spread, and his tongue very slowly and methodically licking his little kitty balls.

  I turned back to Rosie, so beyond disturbed with the sight to the side of us. “Was he there the whole time?”

  “I don’t think we want to know the answer to that question.”

  We both looked at him again, watching him continue to swat himself with his mini sandpaper tongue.

  I shivered and said, “Why is he purring? Does he ever purr?”

  “Not that I’m aware of.” Rosie paused for a second before saying, “Why does he always stare at you? I think he might have a crush on you. Maybe you give off some kind of kitty pheromone.”

  “I have been known to attract the pussies.”

  With a dramatic roll of her eyes, Rosie pushed me to the side and tiptoed around Sir Licks-a-Lot before running off to the bathroom, where I heard the shower turn on. I grabbed the condom off my dick and held it out for the trash can, Sir Licks-a-lot eyeing the latex the entire time. I stopped in my pursuit of the trash can, and said, “I swear to God, if I find this chewed up and buried in the couch, I will rip your spikey dick right off your kitty frame. You hear me, you sick fuck?”

  Like the ass he was, he licked his paw and rubbed the top of his head, with one single middle claw up. Whoever taught that cat to flip people off was some kind of evil genius.

  ***

  “C-3PBro! You ready for the day?” Freddy asked, walking up to me and holding out his fist for a bump.

  I ignored his attempt for another “bro-out” and sipped my coffee. “Don’t do that.”

  Sticking his hand in his pocket like a “cool guy,” he asked, “Do what?”

  “Use Star Wars names in your sick bro-lingo. Star Wars is too good for that.”

  “Have you seen the new movie? Seriously, bro, that shit was off the chain! I got a half-chub in the theater over Leia. Even in her o
ld age I would still tap that General of the Resistance. I would give her something to braid her hair over. Pound her so hard that she’d wish she’d never even hooked up with that Solo idiot and instead had waited for me.”

  I held my hand up to stop the moron from talking. “I’m going to stop you right there. There were so many things wrong with that little picture you painted, but the main reason why I’m seconds away from crushing your nuts with the dishwasher door is because of your complete lack of respect for Han Solo. I don’t care who you are, you pay your respects.”

  Freddy stood silent for a second before throwing his head back and laughing. “Oh, fuck, man, look as us, two bros fighting over a woman.”

  I shook my head. “Nope. No, we’re not. Are you high?” Freddy laughed some more. “I’m serious, are you high? Nowhere in my last sentence did I say anything about a woman.”

  Freddy leaned forward and whispered behind his hand. “Come on, Harrison Ford with that long hair, can you say lady?”

  He had to be kidding. “You’re so fucked up. It was called the seventies; men had long hair back then. Shit, men have long hair now, but it’s actually even longer and piled on top of their heads in messy buns or braids. Can’t call a dude a lady because of long hair.”

  That shut Freddy up enough for me to walk past him, out of the kitchen, and back to my cube. How he managed to corner me almost every morning was beyond me. He must have some kind of warning signal that tipped him off whenever I arrived at or left my cube.

  Knowing I had a meeting with the board at nine, I woke up my computer to get a jump start on some of my emails before the atmosphere in the office was flipped upside down. My inbox was loaded and I started scanning my emails. Nothing too pressing, so I grabbed my phone to text Rosie when Freddy squatted in my cube, breathing rather heavily.

  “Bro-tato Chip, did you see the new girl? Holy shit, the legs on that pair of tits extend all the way up to her nipples. And could her skirt get any smaller? I’m about to run up to her backside and poke my full on rod up that skirt, really introduce myself via cock-mail.”