The Downside of Love

  I let go of her hand and flex my fists, anger starting to consume me. “Don’t put his problems on me. It’s not my fault he didn’t accomplish his dreams.”

  “It’s not,” she says back, her brow creased. “But you were his best friend, and you should have at least tried to help him through his heartache, just like I’m assuming he helped you when we broke up.”

  I grind my teeth together, thinking back to the nights we shared at the bar on the weekends. He sat there and listened, nodded his head occasionally, but he was there. And he listened to me talk about a girl he fucking loved, a girl he thought he’d never have.

  Fuck.

  Grunting in frustration, I push my hands through my hair, to the back of my neck. “He was there.”

  It’s three simple words. Three words that hit me harder than expected.

  He was there for me, and as much as I hate to admit it because I’m a stubborn ass at times—a stubborn ass with a broken heart—she’s right. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me.

  My timeline starts adding up in my head when Stryder started to take a turn, started to distance himself.

  We found out about flight school around the same time Rory and I officially got together. That’s when Stryder was distancing himself; when he started to pull away.

  Flight school and Rory—two things he desperately wanted but didn’t get.

  He wasn’t the same guy I’d first met. There was no humor left in him. It was almost as if life took away everything he ever cared about and left a shell of a man who only went through the motions.

  And I was so goddamn consumed with Rory that I didn’t catch his downfall until it was too late, until he was at a point of no return. And then I left.

  But when I did need him, when I was in desperate need for my best friend to walk me through one of the biggest heartaches of my life, he was there.

  He was fucking there.

  My throat closes up on me as I dip my head and brace it with my hands against the table. “Shit,” I mutter. Rory’s hand rubs my back, thoughtfully trying to soothe the ache forming inside me. Quietly, I say, “He was there.”

  “I’m not trying to make you feel bad, Colby. I just want you to be able to set aside your anger and see the situation from both sides. Do I think Stryder should have contacted you as well? Of course. You were both hurting at the time.”

  “How did you end up getting together?” I don’t really want to know, but a part of me believes that I have to hear it. In order to fully get over this, I need to know how they became a couple.

  “It isn’t what you might think, that we jumped each other the minute we had the chance.”

  “I wasn’t thinking that.” She tilts my chin up and raises a questionable brow toward me. I chuckle and admit, “Okay, maybe a part of me thought the minute I left, you two hooked up.”

  She rolls her eyes and sits back on her chair, and I’m actually grateful that the air between us is becoming less tense. This is the girl I fell in love with. Sassy. Intelligent. Thoughtful. “It was . . . gradual. We built a strong friendship, one that I relied upon more every day. He was there for me and I was there for him. He became a part of the Special Olympics coaching staff and,” she pauses, again looking tearful. “I’m pretty sure he saved my life.”

  What the hell? “What? How?”

  “My appendix ruptured. He found me in pain and rushed me to the hospital. The doctors said that if he hadn’t acted as quickly as he did, I could have been so much worse off.”

  Shit. Sounds just like Stryder. He was always good at not cracking under pressure.

  “From there, I started to grow feelings for him even though he kept trying to push me away over and over again. Even when we were finally together, he always kept his distance. I knew there was a missing piece. But I didn’t know for a while that you held that piece, Colby. He never wanted to betray you. You have to believe that. But he felt—”

  “Guilt,” I answer, letting that sink in. Hell, I’d feel the same damn way.

  “He couldn’t get over his betrayal, as he calls it, and it was our undoing.” Her lip trembles as her tears begin to fall again. “I truly hoped he would be able to get over it, but the minute he saw you, I knew. I knew it deep in my bones that he would never come to terms with our relationship and that he would leave me. I just didn’t realize it would be so abrupt. So . . . soon.”

  Her words hang between us, as my mind races a mile a minute. Am I fucking happy that my best friend fell in love with my girl? No. But I’m also feeling guilty as shit for not seeing the signs, for causing a ripple in Rory’s life, for bringing her more tears. I might be in love with her, but I’m not a jealous fuck who wants to see her suffer because she doesn’t want to be with me.

  I’m the opposite. I want to see her happy, just like Stryder wanted to see her happy.

  Christ.

  I drag my hand over my face as Rory says, “Can I ask you something?”

  I focus on her and nod.

  “Are you happy flying?”

  Is she kidding me? How is that even a question?

  “Yeah.”

  “Is it everything you dreamed of? Being a part of a team in the sky?”

  I nod. “It’s even more than I can explain. Every time I sit in that cockpit, I thank my lucky stars for being in the position I’m in. I know it’s a privilege, a highly sought-after position, one not many get the chance at.”

  She takes my hand it squeezes it. “I’m happy for you, Colby. When I first met you, I knew exactly where you belonged, and even though it wasn’t with me, I still wanted to see you succeed. And you did it. You’re flying a fighter; you’re protecting your country. You’re a part of something so much bigger than the love we shared.” Reaching out, she cups my cheek. “I love you, Colby, but the love we shared, even though it was beautifully romantic and changed everything I ever thought I’d want in life, it was a stepping stone for both of us. Our love wasn’t meant to be, and I believe its purpose was to bring you out of your shell, and to show me that I don’t always have to be the one who takes care of everyone. It’s okay to let someone take care of me. I will always cherish what we had, because it helped us grow into the people we are today.” Fuck, I love this girl. Her heart. Even though she’s no longer mine. And somehow, I’m okay with this.

  “But we need to move on,” I say, the confession feeling like a sharp cut to my heart.

  “We need to move on,” she answers with a nod. Standing from her chair, she holds out her arms to me. With sadness in my bones, I pull her into my chest and give her a long hug, soaking her in one last time.

  I thought I needed this beautiful girl to see, to hear, to fucking breathe, but if anything, she’s proved to me today that she was meant to be in my life, but for a different reason. And even though that’s a tough pill to swallow, I can see the reasoning.

  Doesn’t mean I won’t stop loving her. But I won’t resent her either. Because she gave me the greatest gift love can give. She set me free to fly. To make sure I achieved my dream to make my dad and gramps proud of me. To make me proud of me.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  COLBY

  “Where are we going for dinner?” Colt asks, rubbing his belly as we walk down the hallway to our designated lockers.

  “Can we try that burger place everyone was talking about on the tarmac? What was it called?” Rowdy asks.

  “Crave Burger,” Bent interjects.

  Snapping and pointing, Rowdy says, “That’s it, Crave Burger. There’s some insane burger called the Luther where the buns are donuts instead. Papa wants donut burger.” He pats his stomach like an idiot.

  “Oh, I’ll take donut burger too,” Colt adds.

  “Glad we’re sticking to our healthy eating habits, boys,” Bent says while signing off on a clipboard.

  “It’s one night,” Rowdy announces. “Oh shit, and remember they said they have Laughing Lab there too. Kevin was telling me it’s the best Scottish ale. I need to tr
y some and be the judge of that title.”

  Rowdy and Colt go back and forth about their favorite beers as we turn the corner and run right into a very familiar face.

  Straightening up, I grip my helmet tightly as I stand inches from Stryder’s father. He looks like an entitled ass. Nothing new there. Stopping as well, he eyes me up and down, a large smile crossing his lips.

  “Colby Brooks. I heard you were in town. Was hoping to catch you.”

  “Lt. Colonel Sheppard, it’s good to see you. How have you been?”

  “Good, good.” He gives me a once-over. “That suit looks good on you, son.”

  I inwardly cringe from the word son. Even though the man housed me during holidays while I was at the Academy, I’m fully aware of how he abused Stryder. There is no reason for him to be calling me son.

  “Thank you.”

  “TDY in Colorado Springs, imagine the luck. Not very often they bring the fighters here for training.” Sobering, he adds, “I was sorry to hear about your grandpa. From the stories you told of him, he was a good man.”

  “Thank you, sir.” Bent squeezes my shoulder.

  “So, seen my sorry excuse of a son?” Is he for real? The tone in his voice—annoyance—isn’t appropriate for where we are.

  Not wanting to give him too much fodder, I say, “We caught up after the funeral.”

  Sheppard’s eyebrows rise in surprise. “You did, did you? Huh, makes sense.”

  “Makes sense, sir?”

  “The second you’re back in town, he’s living in the pool house. I told him dating your girl wasn’t going to end well for him. Knew she’d run back to the real man, the accomplished man, rather than staying with a piece of washed-up trash.” He laughs, setting my blood to boil in my veins. “Now I have to deal with his pathetic ass—”

  “Watch it,” I grit out, shocking everyone around me.

  “Excuse me?”

  I step up to him and repeat myself. “I said watch it.”

  “Are you threatening a superior?”

  Knowing I can get into some serious trouble, I tread carefully. “No, sir. I’m asking as your son’s friend not to drag his name through the mud in front of people he works with. Word on the street is he’s damn good at his job, and even though he’s not in the sky, he’s protecting those of us who are, people like you. So before you rip him apart and treat him like he’s nothing, remember he is a fellow airman of the United States Air Force serving and protecting. That’s something you should be damn proud of—” I lean forward so only he can hear me “—you arrogant and ungrateful piece-of-shit father.”

  Stepping back, I take his hand in mine and shake it with a smile on my face. “Always a pleasure seeing you, Lt. Colonel, but I’m afraid we have burgers to consume.”

  With one last insincere smile, I walk with my boys toward the locker, my heart pounding a mile minute. Burgers have to wait. I have somewhere else to be.

  The red pavers haven’t changed a bit, neither has the pristine landscaping or the white siding of the house I became very familiar with.

  Standing with my hands in my pockets, I take in the pool house, while a flood of memories hit me all at once.

  The time Stryder and I got drunk during our first Christmas break. The time we slung grapes at his dad’s car window—fuck, did we get in trouble for that. All the games we played with Hardie and Joey in the small space. The moments I shared with Rory . . .

  Taking a deep breath, I move forward. It’s time to fix what’s broken.

  The door is unlocked when I twist it open. The light on the nightstand is the only thing illuminating the dark space, making it hard to pinpoint where Stryder is. I know he’s here. I saw his car out front and there’s no way in hell he’s inside his parents’ house.

  There are clothes strewn about, empty bottles of beer and scotch scattered across the floor, the bed is disheveled, and a chair and a table are flipped over.

  Fuck.

  Peering around the bed, my eyes land on a dark figure leaning against the wall, a bottle in hand. Jesus Christ, he looks like shit. His eyes are hollow, hair a goddamn mess, and his five o’clock shadow makes him look sinister in the dark.

  Two questions roll around in my head: Did he have the day off, and how long has he been drinking?

  “Stryder?”

  He doesn’t look up at me. Instead he brings the bottle to his lips and takes a long pull. “You found me. Run into my dad?”

  Walking over to him, I take the bottle from his hand and take it to the bathroom where I tip it down the sink. Stryder flops himself on the bed, back to the mattress, staring at the ceiling.

  Once the bottle is empty, I toss it into the recycling bin and make my way back into the main room. “Yeah, ran into your dad. He’s a fucking ass.”

  Stryder chuckles. “Yeah, I established that fifteen years ago.” He pauses before saying, “What are you doing here, Colby? I’m not with Rory anymore if that’s what you’re wondering.”

  “I know. I talked to her.”

  Stryder’s eyes squeeze shut as his lips thin, his chest rising and falling, his fists gripping the sheets beneath him. “You two were better together anyway. I just dragged her down.”

  “We’re not together.”

  “Give it time. It will happen.” Sitting up, he snags a shirt from the floor and throws it over his head. Grabbing his keys, he slips shoes on his feet and heads to the door.

  “Where the hell do you think you’re going?”

  “Anywhere but here.”

  I jog to him and tear the keys from his hand. “You’ve been drinking. You’re not driving.”

  “Afraid something is going to happen to me?”

  “Yeah.” My brow pinches together as I grow frustrated. “Fucking sit down so we can talk.”

  “There is nothing to say, Colby. I’m sorry I fucked up, that I fell in love with your girl. If I could change it, I would. I know what it did to us. I get that.” He waves his hand around us. “I did this to myself, no one else. I take full responsibility.”

  “I should have been there for you,” I yell.

  “What?”

  “I should have been there for you. You were going through some tough shit and instead of being there, I was too caught up in my pain to realize that you needed me, that you needed someone to believe in you.”

  “I’m not a child, Colby. I figured it out on my own.”

  “Did you? Because you fucking spiraled, man, and instead of seeing it right away, I allowed it to happen. I should have been there for you like you were there for me when I needed a family. I was too caught up in my own shit to realize you were drowning.”

  He’s silent so I push on. “I should have called. I should have done something, anything to show you that you weren’t alone. And I failed as a friend.”

  “No, you didn’t. It goes both ways, I failed too.” He swallows hard. “I went behind your back. I should have never gone after Rory.”

  “I don’t care about that.” The words fly out of my mouth before I can stop them, surprising the both of us.

  I’m bitter, yes. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over not having Rory in my life. I’ll never stop loving her, but I can also realize when something is a lost cause. She doesn’t love me. She loves him.

  He saved her.

  He took care of her.

  He loved her when I couldn’t, and I can’t be fucking mad about that because my love runs deep, just like Stryder’s. If I can’t make her happy, at least he can.

  I’m selfless enough to realize that.

  “Don’t fuck with me, Colby, you care.”

  “Not enough to throw five years of friendship away. You’re my brother, Stryder, and for a brief moment I forgot that. I had to be reminded today exactly what brought us together and why we’ve stuck by each other’s side. We’re each other’s family.

  Weakly he says, “I betrayed you.”

  I shake my head. “Despite how much it pains me to say this, I know you t
ried to stay away.” I reach out and grip his shoulder, forcing him to look me in the eyes. “I want you to know, it’s okay. Be with her, Stryder.”

  He shakes his head, but I stop him.

  “You loved her first but stepped aside for me. This is me, stepping aside for you. She’s in love with you, man. Desperately and hopelessly in love with you. There is no fighting that. She’s miserable without you.”

  “Shit,” he mutters and starts pacing the room. “I don’t want to hurt her.”

  “Then go be with her. There is nothing holding you back anymore. Not that you need it but you have my blessing. Be with her, Stryder. You and I both know she deserves the world. Fuck all the shit your dad has said to you. She deserves the world, so be the man who gives it to her.”

  Looking up, he lets out a sigh before walking to me and clasping my hand to his, pulling me into a hug. It’s the moment I see the cloud that’s been hanging over him start to clear away, and my best friend begins to remerge.

  “You’re going to want to take a shower before you head over there though. You smell like shit, dude.”

  “Fuck you.” He laughs, pushing away before looking me in the eyes and pulling me into a hug one more time.

  I might not have the girl, but I gained back my best friend. My family. My brother.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  RORY

  The faint sound of the TV plays as my eyes focus on nothing, my body wrapped in blankets, my stomach empty and feeling nauseous every time I move. This is what true heartache feels like.

  I was upset when things ended with Colby, but I knew it was for the best.

  With Stryder, I’m absolutely heartbroken. My bones and muscles have frozen in place, unable and unwilling to move anywhere outside of my bed.

  I was barely able to pull myself together for practice with Bryan, and the only reason I did was because of him. Because he would have had an episode if I wasn’t there, and I couldn’t put that on my parents. Broken heart or not, I made it to practice. But now, now I’m not going anywhere. I called into work, turned off my phone, and spent the day crying, trying to drain out my sorrow, so that tomorrow, I can try to start to move on. Even though I know that’s going to take a really long time.