Dazzled

  “Why did you leave like that?” he said, his voice soft and a little husky.

  So fucking clueless!

  I felt a spike of anger. “You don’t get it, do you?”

  He shrugged helplessly.

  “No, I don’t. Not really.”

  In that moment, I realized we were never going to square this circle. There was no point prolonging the agony.

  “Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. I just… I think you should go now.”

  I hated saying the words and Miles looked stunned, but a tiny germ of self-preservation was forcing its way to the surface.

  “What? Now? But…” his words ended abruptly, and he rubbed the back of his neck in a familiar gesture of frustration. “Please, Clare, I’m trying here.”

  I held back a sigh.

  “I know. It’s just… better if you go.”

  His expression morphed into one of anger.

  “Why did you even bother coming tonight if you don’t want to talk to me?”

  Fury, long held back, flared inside me, and I pointed an accusing finger at him.

  “Because your mum and my mum nagged me until I said I would.”

  “You weren’t going to come at all?”

  “No.”

  He shook his head, tiredly. “I don’t get it.”

  “I know you don’t.”

  “Then please give me a fucking clue!” he shouted.

  “I’m sick of it!” I yelled back. “All of it! I’m sick of being in the way! I’m sick of being second best!”

  I could see from his face that he still didn’t understand. Frustrated, angry, and on the verge of tears, I stood up and headed for the door.

  He blocked my way.

  “Christ, Clare, I’m fucking begging you now. Please don’t. Talk to me!”

  I shook my head, my eyes stinging and my throat aching too much to reply.

  I reached out for the door handle and started to open it, but Miles was quicker. He slammed it shut, trapping me in the room.

  “Let me go,” I sniffed.

  “No. If you go, I’m going with you.”

  “You can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’m going to bed. I’m tired and I’ve got a headache.”

  “Is that the only reason you don’t want me to come?”

  No.

  “Mostly, yes.”

  His eyes narrowed but I think he knew that if pushed me now, he’d get the opposite reaction from the one he wanted.

  “Let’s both get out of here,” he said, trying to sound calm. “Find a pub and just… have a couple of drinks. Okay?”

  “I don’t feel like going out again.”

  He tugged his hair in frustration and swore softly.

  “Look,” I said sighing, giving in grudgingly, “dad’s got some beer in the fridge if you want a drink.”

  He smiled uncertainly. “Okay. Sounds good. Thanks.”

  I pulled myself away from him, grabbed two cans of lager from the kitchen, and handed one to him.

  He sank down into an armchair and popped the tab.

  Suddenly, he stood up again.

  “Fuck this!” he said, and came to sit next to me on the couch.

  I looked at him in surprise. There was a determined look on his face.

  “Clare, I’m not with Lilia, no matter what you think you saw.”

  My heart started to pound.

  “You had lipstick on your face.”

  “Yeah, she kissed my cheek. That’s all. She said she wanted to apologize.”

  “Did she?”

  “Sort of. Not really. Mostly, she was trying to make excuses for what happened.”

  He rubbed his eyebrow with his index finger.

  “I don’t want to talk about her,” he said. “She’s history. She means nothing to me. But you…” he hesitated… “You’re my best friend. I miss you. You mean more to me than all that shit. I miss you so much.”

  He stared into my eyes and slowly his expression changed. I watched as his gaze dropped to my mouth, and he licked his lips.

  I swear I was holding my breath, feeling the electric pull of the tension mounting between us.

  And then he leaned over and kissed me.

  His lips were soft and gentle, the kiss so tender and loving, it took my breath away.

  I sat there, unmoving, as if a taxidermist had managed to yank out my guts and stuff me in the last ten seconds.

  He pulled back slightly as I remained frozen.

  “Sorry,” he whispered. “I thought… I guess I was wrong. Sorry.”

  He started to move away, and that’s when I launched myself at him.

  I heard his sharp intake of breath, and then we were all lips and tongues and teeth, panting and breathing hard as we caught up on years of sexual frustration – certainly on my side.

  His mouth was hot and wet against my neck and I moaned like a maiden aunt at a Chippendales party.

  He wrapped his arms around my hips and dragged me onto his lap, and I could feel how hard he was beneath me.

  Bloody hell! That felt gooood!

  “I want to make love to you,” he snarled against my throat, his fingers digging into my waist. “Right now, Clare. Right fucking now!”

  “Upstairs!” I gasped.

  He stood up quickly, even though I was still in his arms. Jeez, I was definitely going to send a thank you card to Hilda the Nazi fitness trainer, because Miles could hoist me around like a delicate elf, instead of my 140 pound, five foot nothing carcass.

  He knew the way to my bedroom – we’d spent enough innocent hours in there over the years. He slammed the door shut with his foot, dropped me onto my bed and flung his jacket on my chair. Slowly, he loosened his bow tie as he prowled toward me.

  My lady parts were celebrating, so heady with anticipation, that they were practically singing the Hallelujah chorus.

  “I want you so badly,” he whispered, his voice hoarse with desire and need.

  Holy hell!

  I thought I was going to combust on the spot. It would be just my luck if I passed out or died before we got to the really good part…

  …And just as my brain is about to seize up, he lunges at me and pulls me to him, kissing me hot and heavy.

  Oh my God! Oh my God! His body feels so amazing! Jeez, all those hours in the gym have really… mmm, ooh, oh the way his tongue feels on my neck. Oh, God, he’s kissing me, really kissing me. And his hair feels so soft and…

  Oh my God he feels so hard! That’s for me! He feels that for me! I’m in so much trouble here.

  Fuck, she’s so hot. I never thought… uhh, that feels… oh, fuck…

  Don’t break my heart, Miles. You know I love you. I’ve always loved you. Those other creeps – no one could compare. Oh my God, he’s got his hand under my t-shirt. When was the last time I shaved? Oh, hell, I’m wearing that old bra. I’ve been meaning to throw that out and… Oh my God! He just touched my nipple. Damn, that feels so… oh, yes… oh, yes.

  Fuck, she’s got great tits.

  Oh Miles, I know I’m not in your league; I’ve never been in your league, but no one will ever love you as much as I do. And I know you… I really know you. All your insecurities, your shyness, your bizarre sense of humor. Oh my God, he’s trying to unhook my bra. Huh, where did my t-shirt go? When did he take that off?

  What if he’s expecting me to be bare? I mean, that Brazilian grew back ages ago and no way was I going to go through that again. That was sheer Hell with a capital H. I don’t care if that’s how they do things in Hollywood. Okay, well, maybe if Miles likes it like that… Oh my God, he’s got his hand down the back of my knickers. My arse is huge. Oh, don’t stop, that just feels… oh wow! I’m going to do it – I’m going to stick my hand down the front of his trousers.

  Oh my God! It just jumped! I swear it jumped at me! Mmm, it’s so hot and… blimey… that’s big! I mean, bloody hell, I can hardly get my hand around it. Wow, supersize me!

  Fu
ck, she’s feeling me up. Oh fuck.

  Oh God, the light’s still on. I wonder if I can turn it off without it being too obvious? I shouldn’t have eaten that gateau. Okay, not quite the whole gateau, but most of it. Will he think I’m fat? I am fat compared to all those stick insect actresses he knows – I’m enormous compared to her. Oh God, I’m so fat.

  Fuck, she’s got the most amazing arse – full and round, so soft and… oh fuck, I’m going to come in my pants if I’m not careful. One times one is one… one times two is… oh fuck.

  Oh God, I just love his body. I mean, look at that chest. I am looking at that chest. He’s so bloody sexy. I can’t believe after all these years we’re finally going to do it. I love you I love you I love you!

  Fuck, look at the size of those knickers! They’re huge! That’s hot.

  He’s taken his trousers off. Oh boxer briefs – swoon. Yummy! Mmm, ooh that feels good. Oh my God, that feels so good! How did he know… Ohh… mmmm…

  Shit, she’s so wet. Oh God, I hope she comes quickly. I really want to be inside her. Hold it together, Stephens, you owe her this. One times one is one. One times two is two. Land of Hope and Glory, Mother of the Free… Oh, thank God…

  Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh. My. God! Oh! Ooooh! OOOOOH! AAAH! “Miiiiiiiiles!” Oh, God, I said that out loud. Oh wow. That was ah-may-zing! He is a stud, a sex god! I am a goddess! I am all powerful. Oh, what’s he doing? Oh, ouch! Oh, wow, wow, wow! Oh my God – I think he’s pushed it all the way into my spine! OH GOD!

  Fuck. Shit. God. Oh God. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Can’t. Can’t. Can’t. UH! UHHH! MMM. Damn, she feels so good. Sooo good. Goooooood! Oh, God. I can’t. I can’t. Shit. Fuck. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

  What’s happening? Again? What? No! Again?!! I mean… Oh, wow. Oh wow. OH WOW! Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. “Miiiiiiiiiiles!”

  He shoots. He scores. Gooooooooal! “Fuck, Claaaare!”

  Clare

  I can’t believe it. I didn’t know sex could be like that: what I felt, what I still feel. Two orgasms, I mean: two! How the hell did he do that? Oh, God, I really don’t want to think about where he’s been practicing – and who on. Oh, why do I have to have all these thoughts? That was so wonderful, making love with Miles. Was it making love for him, too, or just me? Oh, just look at him lying there; he looks so, so fine. Just think, women all over the world want what I’ve just had – that’s so weird. I mean, they want the character he plays – Nuriel – in the film, not Miles. Okay, some of them want Miles; okay, most of them, but I’m the one who’s had him.

  God, I can’t believe I’m thinking about him like some sort of trophy: he’s Miles – my friend. My best friend. And tonight has been the best night of my life.

  Miles

  Oh God, have I just made a horrible mistake? She doesn’t look happy. I know Clare – she’s thinking it over, she’s regretting it, I can just tell. God, she looks so gorgeous, all sort of heated and with the most fantastic, soft curves. Shit, I could get hard again just looking at her. But she’s got thinking face: that’s not good. Oh hell, I hope I haven’t just gone and lost my best friend for good this time. I know Clare’s not the kind of girl who could be a fuck buddy, and I wouldn’t want her to be that. If I’m honest, I don’t want her to be with anyone but me.

  She’s having second thoughts, I can tell. Shit, shit, shit! I couldn’t blame her: these days I live on one fucked up merry-go-round. Why would she want to be part of all this craziness? I mean, she has a life – a good life. She’s clever and funny and loyal and really cute – she could have any guy she wanted.

  And she knows me – she knows I’m not the image that they’re selling. I can’t believe she’s here with me. She knows all the shit that went down with Lilia – hell, she saw most of it. So why is she with me? Maybe she was just trying to make me feel better; yeah, that would be like Clare, always trying to make me feel better.

  Oh, shit, is that all this was? Her trying to cheer me up? A mercy fuck? That’s not what I want! Is that what I want? No, it felt so amazing with Clare – it felt right.

  Oh, God, she’s turned away from me. She doesn’t want this; she’s regretting it already. Fuck, what do I do?

  Maybe it wasn’t good for her? I mean, it felt amazing to me, but she obviously doesn’t think the same. It couldn’t have been that bad, could it? She had two orgasms. Oh, God, she was faking it – obviously – moron. They didn’t feel fake, though; it felt pretty damn real. Yeah, because I wanted it to be real, obviously.

  So what do I do? I guess all I can do is to make it easy for her; easy for her to leave me. Damn it, Clare.

  Clare

  Oh, he looks so serious. I can’t look at him. It felt so amazing but now it’s so awkward. I just want to snuggle into him; I want to fall asleep in his arms and wake up with him in the morning. He probably just wants to go. I should let him go. I don’t want him to go.

  “Clare, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.” I’m not fine! I’m confused – and still kind of turned on.

  I feel his warm hand drift down my arm and I swear the skin tingles, as if he’s just trailed an ice cube across me, or passed an electric current up my arm. Oh, Miles, don’t stop touching me! He’s stopped touching me. Oh no.

  “Um, I guess I should go?”

  Is that a question? No, of course not. He’s just being polite. He knows this was a mistake. Oh God, I can’t speak. If I try to speak, I’ll cry, I know I will.

  The mattress moves underneath me and I know he’s sitting up. I can’t help looking; one last look. Oh, God! Look at that back! How did I miss that before? Oh, right, because he was on top of me. Look at those muscles; and, oh my God! He’s really got that triangular shape. I never noticed before – not from the back. Broad shoulders, going down to a slim waist. He’s so gorgeous – and so out of my league.

  What’s he doing? Why isn’t he going?

  I really want him to go now. I don’t want him to go now!

  “Clare?”

  “Yes?”

  Say something, Miles! Say something!

  Miles

  Oh God, I should say something. What should I say? Does she want me to go? I should just go. I don’t want to go.

  “Clare?”

  “Yes?”

  “Um, I know this is kinda weird…”

  She’s sighing. Oh shit.

  “It’s okay, Miles, don’t worry about it.”

  She’s brushing me off. She wants me to go.

  “Um, I’ll just go then?”

  “Okay.”

  Okay? No! It’s not okay!

  “Right. Um, thanks for having me. Oh God, I don’t mean having me like that. I meant… er… thanks… um… I’ll be next door at mum’s.”

  “Okay.”

  This is the worst day of my life.

  Clare

  He gets up and dresses in silence. I can’t bear it. I can’t bear him. How could he do this? How could he sleep with me and then be so cold? I don’t understand. Did I do something wrong? Maybe I was bad in bed. That must be it: I’m crap in bed. I’m a lousy lover – a lousy lay. He’s seen me naked with the light on, that’s it. He’s seen all my wobbly bits – on both sides. He’s repulsed; my body repulses him.

  Oh God, I’m so embarrassed. No, it’s worse than that – I’m breaking apart. I can’t let him see me breaking apart. I’ve got to hold it together. Just another minute and he’ll be gone. Gone. I don’t want him to go.

  Miles, don’t go! I love you!

  Miles

  Oh God, she’s so quiet. I’ve really screwed it up this time. My best friend. My best friend! What the fuck was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking. Okay, I was thinking with my man parts – Miles Junior. I can’t help that. Little bastard led and I followed. No, that’s not true.

  Clare, I think I love you!

  She won’t want to hear that. She’ll just laugh at me. She’d probably think I was joking anyway.

  Hey! Maybe I can say it to her and if s
he thinks it’s a joke, I’ll just laugh it off.

  Fucking coward. Yeah, yeah.

  “Um, Clare?”

  “What now?”

  Oh wow, she sounds really angry. Maybe this isn’t the best time to say anything.

  Say it! Say it!

  “Um, I think I love you.”

  “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  “You said something.”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “Yes, you did – I heard you.”

  “No, you didn’t.”

  “Yes, I bloody well did, Miles! You said… you said you thought you loved me. What does that even mean?”

  “Um… that I love you?”

  “Well, do you or don’t you?”

  Is that a trick question?

  “I do?”

  “You do?”

  “Yes.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes.” And more than you’ll ever know.

  “Oh, okay. I just wanted to be clear.”

  “Yeah.”

  She’s not laughing. Does that mean…?

  “Just so you know…”

  “Yeah?”

  “I love you too, Miles.”

  “You do?”

  “Of course, you moron.”

  Oh wow! I thought she was mad at me. She loves me?

  And then I pull her into my arms and kiss her like there’s no tomorrow.

  The Day After Tomorrow

  Clare

  Bugger me, it was hot in my bedroom.

  I woke up sweating and wondering if mum had left the central heating on all night again. She did that sometimes. She said it was by accident; funny that it always seemed to happen on really cold nights.

  But it wasn’t the radiator in my small bedroom that was making me hot – it was the man lying next to me. Definitely hot.

  One arm was thrown behind his head, and the other was draped around my shoulder. My face was squished up against his fab-u-lous chest and I probably looked like Miss Piggy. His eyes were closed, the lids trembling, and I thought he was dreaming. I was pretty certain I was, too. The sheet was pushed down to his hips, and his chest and stomach rose rhythmically. I could practically count every muscle of his abs. I could write poetry about them. I lay there composing my ode while the soft breaths ebbed and flowed through his beautiful, flawless body.

  Ode to an Abdominal Oblique