and That Meanie Jim's Birthday

  Contents

  1. Eating Cake

  2. Tapping on That Jim’s Head

  3. Very Slumping

  4. Moving

  5. Being a Buzzing Bee

  6. Daydreaming

  7. My Story This Time by Junie B. Jones

  8. Ruining My Saturday

  9. The Only One in Room Nine

  1/Eating Cake

  My name is Junie B. Jones. The B stands for Beatrice. Except I don’t like Beatrice. I just like B and that’s all.

  B is my bestest letter. On account of my favorite food starts with that guy.

  Its name is birthday cake.

  We had that delicious stuff at school today.

  That’s because Paulie Allen Puffer turned six years old. And his mother brought chocolate cake and chocolate ice cream and chocolate milk to Room Nine.

  She is a chocolate nut, I think.

  The party was very fun.

  Except for Paulie Allen Puffer got all wound up. And he put cake on his head. And then he laughed till milk came out his nose.

  “That is called nose milk,” I told my bestest friend named Lucille.

  Lucille is a little lady.

  “Eew,” she said. “I wish I didn’t even see that nose milk. ’Cause now my stomach feels upset. And I can’t eat the rest of my cake.”

  “Me, too,” I said. “Now I can’t eat the rest of my cake, too. And so I will throw both our cakes in the trash can for us.”

  Then I picked up our cakes. And I hurried up to the trash can.

  I looked all around me very careful.

  Then I quick ducked behind the trash can.

  And I stuffed both those cakes right in my mouth.

  I rubbed my tummy real happy.

  “Now all I need is some milk to wash it down with,” I said.

  That’s when I saw some milk sitting on a table. All by itself.

  I picked it up. And drank it all gone.

  “Mmmm,” I said. “That hit the spot!”

  Just then I heard a voice.

  “Junie B. Jones? Why are you out of your seat?”

  It was my teacher.

  Her name is Mrs.

  She has another name, too. But I just like Mrs. and that’s all.

  Mrs. has eyes like a hawk.

  “What are you doing over there?” she asked me.

  “I am sharing people’s cake and milk,” I explained. “Except for they aren’t actually here at the moment.”

  Mrs. rolled her eyes way back in her head.

  I smiled very sweet.

  “Guess what? When I have my birthday party, I am going to bring cake and milk, too,” I said. “Plus also I might bring a beanie wienie casserole. ’Cause that will be a nice change of pace, I think.”

  Just then, I skipped over to Paulie Allen Puffer’s mother.

  “Excellent cake, madam. My compliments to the chief,” I said.

  Then me and her did a high-five. Only she didn’t actually put her hand out. And so mostly I just slapped her on the arm.

  After that, I skipped back to my seat.

  Lucille was finishing her chocolate ice cream.

  She had a chocolate mustache on her lip.

  I did a frown at her.

  “Lucille, I am surprised at you,” I said. “You are not eating that ice cream like a little lady. And so I will show you how.”

  Then I quick dipped my spoon into Lucille’s ice cream.

  “See?” I said. “See how I am taking dainty bites of this stuff?”

  Only just then a dainty bite of chocolate ice cream slipped off my spoon. And it plopped into Lucille’s lap.

  She jumped out of her chair.

  “OH NO!” she hollered. “NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU SPILLED ICE CREAM ON MY BRAND-NEW DRESS! AND MY NANNA JUST BROUGHT THIS TO ME FROM NEW YORK CITY! AND IT COSTED NINETY-FIVE DOLLARS PLUS TAX!”

  Mrs. hurried up to my table. She had a wet sponge to clean Lucille’s dress.

  “No! Don’t!” said Lucille. “You can’t put water on this! ’Cause this dress is made of satin! And satin is dry clean only!”

  Mrs. made angry eyes at me.

  I did a gulp.

  “Who knew?” I said real soft.

  Then I put my head down on my table.

  And I covered up with my arms.

  ’Cause that is called laying low.

  And laying low is what you do if you know what’s good for you.

  2/Tapping on That Jim’s Head

  After the party, me and my other bestest friend rode home on the bus.

  Her name is Grace.

  Me and that Grace take turns sitting next to the window.

  That is good sports of us, I think.

  Except for sometimes we forget whose turn it is.

  Then we have to settle it with our fists.

  This time, it was that Grace’s turn to sit next to the window.

  “Guess what? I don’t even care if you sit there today,” I told her. “’Cause eating all that cake made me in a happy mood.”

  That Grace smiled.

  “Me, too,” she said. “Eating that cake made me in a happy mood, too.”

  “Yeah, only you can’t be as happy as me,” I explained. “’Cause I had two cakes. And you just had one.”

  That Grace did a frown.

  “That’s okay, Grace. Don’t be upset,” I said. “’Cause when I have my birthday, I will invite you to my house. And you can have two cakes, too.”

  “Oh boy!” she said.

  “I know it is oh boy,” I said back. “Plus also you will get your very own paper cup with M&M’s in it.”

  “Oooo! Yum! I love M&M’s,” said that Grace.

  “Me too. I love M&M’s, too,” I said. “On account of the chocolate doesn’t melt on your hands. Just the colors melt on your hands and that’s all.”

  I smiled real big.

  “And here’s another good thing, Grace. When you come to my party, you will get your very own party hat. And we will play Twister. Plus also we will play that game where you shout Bingo. Only I keep on forgetting the name of that one.”

  Just then, a meanie boy named Jim jumped up from his seat.

  “BINGO, stupid!” he shouted. “Its name is BINGO! What a MORON! Who would even want to come to a stupid party like yours?”

  He made his voice real loud. So everybody could hear.

  “At my house I have cool birthday parties,” he said. “Like last year my party was named Clowning Around. And we had two clowns from the circus. And they made balloon animals and did magic tricks.”

  I leaned way close to his face.

  “So?” I said. “I don’t even like clowns. Clowns are not normal people. Plus my very own grampa Frank Miller can make balloon animals, too. Except for they all look like wiener dogs. Only he’s working on it.”

  That Jim wasn’t even listening to me. He just kept on talking about his parties.

  “This year my party is named Old MacDonald’s Farm. And a real farmer is bringing a petting zoo right to my front yard. And he’s going to bring a lamb, and a goat, and a burro, and some rabbits! And he’s also bringing a real live pony for us to ride!”

  I put my hands on my waist.

  “Yeah, well too bad for you,” I said. “’Cause I saw all about ponies on TV. And ponies buck you off their backs. And then they stomple you into the ground and kill you to death. And so I wouldn’t even come to your stupid dumb party in a jillion billion years.”

  “Good!” hollered that Jim. “I’m glad! ’Cause my birthday is this coming Saturday! And tomorrow I’m bringing invitations to every single person in Room Nine! Only not to you! You’re the only one in the whole class I’m not bringing an invita
tion to! So there!”

  Then he did a big HAH! right in my face.

  And he sat back down in his seat.

  Meanwhile, I just kept on standing and standing there.

  ’Cause something had gone a little bit wrong here, I think.

  I tapped on his head.

  “Yeah, only here’s the thing,” I said. “I didn’t actually know you were having a party on Saturday. And so, good news…I think I can make it.”

  “No!” shouted that meanie boy. “You’re not coming! Now go away!”

  I tapped on him again.

  “Yeah, only I was just kidding about the ponies,” I said. “They hardly even stomple you probably.”

  “I don’t care! Stop bothering me!” he shouted.

  I stood on my tippy-toes and looked at his head.

  “Love your hair today,” I said.

  That Jim swatted at me.

  “Get away from me!” he hollered. “You’re not coming to my party! And that’s final!”

  Just then a big lump came in my throat. A big lump is what comes before crying.

  It hurt to swallow.

  I sat down and hided my face in my sweater.

  “Darn it,” I said. “’Cause I think I really would have enjoyed myself at that thing.”

  Then my bestest friend named Grace put her arm around me.

  And she patted me real gentle.

  And she let me sit next to the window.

  3/Very Slumping

  I walked home from the bus stop very slumping.

  Very slumping is when your shoulders are sad. And your head can’t hold up that good.

  Grandma Miller was in the nursery.

  She baby-sits me and my baby brother in the afternoon.

  His name is Ollie.

  I love him a real lot. Except I wish he didn’t live at my actual house.

  Grandma Miller was rocking him in the rocking chair.

  I tried to climb up there, too. Only Grandma said “Hold your horses” at me.

  “Yeah, only I need to rock very bad,” I explained. “On account of a mean boy is having a birthday party on Saturday. And he is inviting everyone in Room Nine. Only not me. I’m the only one who’s not going.”

  Grandma Miller did a sad face.

  “Children can be so cruel,” she said. “Just wait till I get the baby to sleep. And then you and I will talk about it. Okay?”

  And so that’s how come I crossed my arms.

  And I tapped my foot.

  And I waited and waited for that baby to go to sleep. Only his eyes kept on staying wide open.

  “Hold them closed with your fingers, Grandma,” I told her.

  “Heavens, no!” she said.

  Then she kept right on rocking him.

  And so finally I got tired of waiting. And I went to my room. And I crawled underneath my covers.

  I crawled way down to the bottom of my sheets.

  It is very muffly down there.

  You can say mean stuff.

  And no one can hear you.

  “Here is all the stuff I hate,” I said. “First, I hate that meanie Jim. Then I hate clowns. And Old MacDonald had a farmer. Plus I hate rabbits. And burros. And ponies.

  “And guess what else? We didn’t actually need a baby at this house. Only no one even consulted me.”

  Just then, I heard a knock on my door.

  “Junie B.? It’s Grandma, honey. Ollie finally went to sleep.”

  She came in and lifted up my covers.

  “I called your mother and told her what happened at school,” she said.

  I peeked up at her.

  “And so can she fix it?” I asked. “Can I go to the birthday party now?”

  Grandma Miller held out her arms to me.

  She pulled me out of my covers.

  “Your mother is going to talk to you about it when she gets home,” she said. “Meanwhile, why don’t you and I have a little fun. Let’s read a book, okay? What kind of story would you like to hear?”

  I thought and thought.

  “I would like to hear a story about a little girl who doesn’t get invited to a meanie boy’s birthday. And so she sneaks to his house. And she lets a wild pony out of the barn. And then it stomples the boy into a flattie pancake. And all the children pour maple syrup on that guy. And they eat him for breakfast.”

  Grandma Miller looked kind of sickish.

  “You’ve got to stop worrying about that boy’s party. He’s just trying to get your goat,” she said.

  Just then my eyes got big and wide at her.

  “Goat? What goat, Grandma? Do I have a goat? Is it a surprise goat? Are you keeping it a secret at your house?”

  I jumped up and pulled her hand.

  “Let’s go get it! Want to, Grandma? Let’s go get my goat right now!”

  Just then a great idea popped in my head.

  “HEY! I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING, GRANDMA! YOU AND ME CAN BRING MY GOAT TO MY HOUSE! AND THEN I CAN HAVE MY VERY OWN BIRTHDAY ON SATURDAY!

  “I WILL CALL IT ‘COME AND PET MY GOAT’! AND EVERYONE IN ROOM NINE WILL COME TO MY PARTY! AND THEY WON’T GO TO THAT MEANIE JIM’S!”

  All of a sudden, the front door opened.

  It was Mother!

  I runned to her speedy quick.

  “Mother! Mother! Guess what? Guess what? Me and Grandma Miller are getting my goat! And I am having my very own birthday party on Saturday! And all of Room Nine is going to be invited. Only not that Jim I hate! He is the only one not coming! So ha ha on him!”

  Just then, Grandma Miller sneaked out the front door with her sweater.

  I pulled on Mother’s arm.

  “Come on, Mother! Come on!” I said. “We have to go to the store and buy my invitations! Plus also we have to pick up the beanie wienies!”

  Mother didn’t come on.

  She sat down on the couch. And smoothed my hair.

  “Listen to me, Junie B.,” she said. “I know Jim hurt your feelings today. But you can’t have your birthday party on Saturday. Your birthday isn’t till June, remember? And June is still months away.”

  “I know June is months away,” I said. “And so that is how come I am moving my birthday sooner. ’Cause months away will be too late.”

  Mother picked me up and put me on her lap.

  “I’m afraid you don’t understand, honey,” she said. “You just can’t change the day you were born. No one can. It’s impossible.”

  I made my voice very whispering.

  “Yeah, only here’s a little secret…nobody in Room Nine even knows when my birthday is. So I think we can pull it off.”

  Mother did a little smile. She ruffled my hair.

  “Sorry, honey. No can do,” she said.

  “Yes!” I hollered. “Yes can do! ’Cause I have to have my birthday on Saturday! Or else I will be the only one who is not going to that meanie Jim’s! And that is the saddest story I ever even heard of.”

  Just then, my eyes got a little bit of wet in them.

  Mother wiped my face with a tissue.

  Then she hugged me real tight.

  And she said the words I’m sorry.

  More bad news.

  Grandma Miller just called…

  There’s no goat.

  4/Moving

  The next morning, I didn’t get out of my bed.

  Not even when Mother hollered, “Time for breakfast.”

  She came into my room.

  “Didn’t you hear me, Junie B.? It’s time to eat,” she said.

  I looked up from my pillow.

  “Yeah, only I’m not even hungry. Plus also I’m moving today,” I said.

  Mother smiled.

  She sat on my bed.

  “You’re moving, huh?” she asked. “And exactly where will you be going?”

  I did my shoulders up and down.

  “Somewhere,” I said.

  “Somewhere, where?” she asked.

  “Somewhere not here, that’s where,”
I said.

  Mother hugged me.

  “This is still about Jim’s birthday party, isn’t it?” she said. “You’re still worried about not getting an invitation.”

  “No, I’m not,” I said. “On account of I’m not even going to that school anymore. On account of I’m moving today.”

  Mother shook her head. Then she went out of my room. And she and Daddy did whispering in the hall.

  Pretty soon, Daddy came in.

  He gave me a piggyback ride to the kitchen.

  Then Mother made my favorite hot cereal.

  And she let me have all the brown sugar I wanted.

  She sat down next to me.

  “You know, Junie B., Jim is only doing this to hurt your feelings,” she said. “He just wants to get a reaction from you, that’s all.”

  “Sure, he does,” said Daddy. “And when someone is trying to hurt your feelings, there’s only one way to get back at them.”

  “You have to pretend you don’t care,” said Mother. “You have to pretend you don’t even want to go to that party. Because if you pretend you don’t want to go, it will take all the fun out of it for him.”

  Daddy winked.

  “You can do that, can’t you?” he asked. “You’re the best little pretender in the entire world.”

  Just then, my whole face lighted up. ’Cause that word gave me a great idea!

  “Hey! I just figured out where I can move to! It’s called It’s a Small World After All. And it’s at Disneyland! ’Member that, Daddy? It’s where all those puppets keep on singing that same song over and over and over again.”

  I smiled. “That would be a happy place to live, don’t you think?”

  Daddy looked at me a real long time.

  Then he put his head down on the table. And he started knocking it on the edge.

  Mother pulled him up from there.

  They went in the hall and did more whispering.

  After a while, Mother called to me from her bedroom.

  “Junie B.? Could you pick up the phone, please? It’s your grandfather. He wants to talk to you for a minute.”

  I picked up the phone. “H’lo?”

  “Hello, yourself, little girl,” said my grampa Frank Miller. “What’cha up to this morning?”

  “I’m moving today,” I told him.

  Grampa Miller sounded upset.

  “Moving?” he said. “Oh no! You can’t be moving! If you move, then you won’t be able to come over to my house on Saturday!”