The Unnatural Inquirer

  He was right. I couldn’t stare him down, couldn’t even reach him. While I was still working out what to do next, Bettie stepped past me and put herself between me and the leader.

  “Trevor!” she said. “I thought it was you, sweetie! Didn’t recognise you at first, all tricked out in the Village People outfit. You never told me you were a combat sorcerer.”

  The other cowboys looked at their leader, and I could practically see them mouthing the word Trevor? at each other. The leader glared at Bettie.

  “That is my old name,” he said harshly. “I don’t use it any more. My name is Ace now, Bettie, leader of Clan Buckaroo. I haven’t gone by…that other name in ages.”

  “You were Trevor when I knew you,” Bettie said briskly. “I did wonder why you insisted on wearing those black boots and spurs to bed, but I thought you were being kinky. Even though you went all bashful when I got out the fluffy handcuffs. What are you doing here, sweetie, dressed up as Black Bart and leading this bunch of overdressed thugs?”

  “The money’s good,” said Ace.

  “It would have to be,” said Bettie.

  “Don’t get in the way,” said Ace, giving her his best fierce glare. “We’re here to do a job, and we’re going to do it. I can’t cut you any slack just because we used to be an item.”

  “You and he were an item?” I said to Bettie.

  She shrugged. “He didn’t last long.”

  There was some quiet sniggering from the other combat sorcerers that died quickly away as Ace glared around him.

  “What exactly are you here for?” I said. “Maybe there’s room for negotiation.”

  “We want Donavon, and we want the Afterlife Recording,” said Ace, fixing me with his cold stare again. “No negotiations, no discussion. We work for Kid Cthulhu, and he wants sole ownership of the Recording.”

  “Now wait just a minute!” Bettie strode forward to glare right into Ace’s face, and he was so startled he actually fell back a pace. “The Unnatural Inquirer has already purchased exclusive rights to all the material on that DVD! We have a binding contract! We own it!”

  “Not any more you don’t,” said Ace. “Possession is everything, in the Nightside.”

  “Kid Cthulhu…” Alex said thoughtfully. “Thought I’d heard something about his having cash liquidity problems with his undersea-farming interests. And, of course, the bottom’s dropped right out of the calamari market. He must be thinking he can make enough money out of the Afterlife Recording to bail him out. So to speak.”

  “You can’t have the Afterlife Recording!” Bettie said firmly to Ace. “We got there first.”

  Ace looked at the cowboy next to him. “If she speaks again, kill her.”

  Bettie’s mouth opened wide, outraged, and I clapped a hand across it and hauled her back. Ace didn’t look like he was kidding to me. Thirteen combat sorcerers in one room can do pretty much whatever they feel like doing. But, on the other hand, I had a reputation to maintain…So I looked Alex in the eye and gave him my best disapproving stare.

  “Now that was just plain rude,” I said. “And if you threaten to kill me…I will smite the lot of you. Right here and now.”

  There was a pause, and the thirteen combat sorcerers looked at me uncertainly. With anyone else, they’d have dismissed it immediately as just talk. But I was John Taylor…

  “Bettie Divine is under my protection,” I said. “Along with everyone else in this bar. Very definitely including Pen Donavon. So you can all get your redneck wannabe big bad selves out of here, before I decide to do something quite appallingly nasty to you.”

  The combat sorcerers looked at each other, and then at their leader. Their magical guns or fingers were all pointing at the floor. And then Ace smiled at me and laughed softly, and just like that the mood was broken.

  “Never make a threat you can’t back up,” he said.

  Ace pointed his conceptual gun at the drunk sorcerer, still out cold despite all the drama going on around him. A tired old man, who might or might not have done a terrible thing in his younger days. Ace shot him three times, his pointed finger unwavering even as the invisible bullets punched large bloody holes in the sleeping man. Thallassa’s body jumped and jerked under the impact of the bullets, but he never made a sound. He just lay where he was, slumped across his table, as the blood ran out of him. Murdered, for no reason he would ever know. Ace laughed briefly and turned back to me.

  “Boys,” he said, “kill everyone in this place except for Pen Donavon.” He smiled at Bettie. “Sorry, sweetie. Just business. You know how it is.”

  “You little shit,” Bettie said defiantly. “And I do mean little, Trevor. I’ve had more fun with a toothpick.”

  Women always fight dirty.

  Ace pointed his finger at her. “Shut up and die, will you?”

  “Not in my bar,” said Alex. He produced a pump-action shotgun from under the bar, and when Ace turned to look, Alex shot him in the face. Ace was thrown backwards, blasted right off his feet, crashing into the cowboys behind him, who made shocked, startled noises. Alex worked the pump action, and all the combat sorcerers stood very still.

  “Wow,” I said. “Hard core, Alex.”

  He shrugged modestly. “Suzie left this behind, one night. Always thought it would come in handy one day. I loaded it with silver bullets, dipped in holy water, and blessed by a wandering god. I could shoot the head off a golem with this. And if golems had other things, I could shoot them off, too.”

  “You know,” said Bettie, “I think I’d be rather more impressed if Trevor wasn’t getting up again.”

  We looked round. Ace was already back on his feet, apparently entirely unaffected. Apart from the really pissed-off look on his face.

  “Oh, shit,” said Alex, putting down the shotgun. “Guys, you’re on your own. If you want me, I’ll be hiding behind the bar, whimpering and wetting myself.”

  “Really?” said Bettie, not bothering to hide her disappointment in him.

  “Hell no,” said Alex. “This is my bar! It’s bad enough that the whole world conspires against me, messes with my beer and puts my vulture up the duff, without having a bunch of refugees from an S&M march walking in here like they own the place. And Thallassa hadn’t even paid for his drinks yet, you bastards! You owe me money!” He vaulted over the bar, holding a glowing cricket bat. “Merlin made this for me, sometime back. For when you really, absolutely have to take out the trash.”

  “Alex,” I said. “This isn’t like you. It’s an improvement, but it isn’t like you.”

  “My new girl-friend’s upstairs,” said Alex. “Probably watching on the monitors. You know how it is when you’ve got a new girl. You end up doing all kinds of stupid things.”

  “Yes,” I said. “I know how it is.”

  “Is that it?” said Ace, smiling. “A glow-in-the-dark cricket bat?”

  “No,” said Alex. “Oh, girls!”

  And Alex’s two large, muscular, body-building bouncers, Betty and Lucy Coltrane, came charging in from the back of the bar and threw themselves at the startled combat sorcerers. They ploughed right into the group before the cowboys even had time to react, knocking them arse over tit and kicking them while they were down, in the fine old tradition of bouncers everywhere. Alex hit the group a moment later, swinging his cricket bat with both hands as though it were a long sword. He smashed faces and broke bones, and the cowboys fell back, crying out in shock and distress. None of them had prepared for an irate bartender armed with a weapon enchanted by Merlin Satanspawn. The glowing cricket bat smashed through their magical defences like they weren’t even there. Tougher magical shields flared up here and there, as some of the combat sorcerers got their act together enough to ward off the Coltranes, but the girls just dodged around the shields to get at those cowboys who weren’t protected. Shrill cries of pain and anguish filled the air.

  I said Ace’s name, and when he turned to look at me I threw a handful of pepper into his face. An attack so
basic and physical his magical shields couldn’t do a thing to prevent it. He howled piteously, scrabbling at his tearing eyes with both hands. I kicked him in the nuts, and he folded up and fell to the floor. Top-rank combat sorcerer, my arse. Try having assassins at your throat and at your back ever since you were a small child and see what that does to your survival skills.

  Some of the combat sorcerers got past their shock and surprise and charged up their amulets and charms. They fired spells in all directions, and everyone ducked for cover. I looked around for Pen Donavon, just in time to see him diving behind the bar. Best place for him. Then I had to throw myself to one side as an energy bolt seared through the air where I’d been a moment before. It hit the long wooden bar and cracked it from end to end. I winced. I knew I was going to end up paying for that. Betty and Lucy Coltrane were ducking and dodging, avoiding fireballs and transformation spells and conceptual bullets from all directions at once. They were fast on their feet for their size, but they couldn’t protect themselves and press the fight at the same time.

  Sparks flew from Alex’s cricket bat as he clubbed his way through the cowboys before him. They blasted him with destructive spells at point-blank range, but the magic Merlin had built into the bat reflected the spells right back at their source. As a result, lightning bolts flashed back and forth across the bar, bouncing off magical shields and doing extensive damage to the bar’s fixtures and fittings. Magical bullets ricocheted, punching holes in the walls and ceiling. And two rather surprised-looking toads blinked at each other from piles of cowboy clothes before reappearing as themselves again.

  Meanwhile, I had my own problem. Ace was getting up again. I picked up a handy chair and hit him over the head with it. I’m a great one for tradition. But the chair didn’t break, and Ace didn’t go down. So much for Hollywood. I dropped the chair and looked around for something else to hit him with. Preferably something with big jaggedy edges. I saw one of the combat sorcerers grab Bettie by the arm and pull her to him. I think he intended to use her as a human shield, or as a way to get to me. He really should have known better. He pointed his shimmering gun at her, and she smiled dazzlingly at him. He hesitated, and was lost. He stood where he was, unmoving, fascinated. Bettie’s mother was a lust demon, and had passed on some of her deadly glamour to her daughter. Bettie held the cowboy’s eyes with hers, fished in her bag, brought out her Mace, and let him have it. He fell to the floor, writhing and howling, and clawing at his eyes with both hands.

  And to think I’d been a bit worried that she might not fit in with my friends.

  While I was distracted, Ace hit me with a transformation spell. I cried out in shock as the spell crawled all over me, cramping my muscles and coursing through my neural system. Pain bent me in two, and sweat dripped from my face. I could feel my skin stretching and distorting, trying to find a new shape. Discharging energies spat and crackled around me, but for all its power, the spell couldn’t find a foothold in me. Slowly, I straightened up again, fighting back the effects of the spell, throwing it off through sheer force of will. I smiled slowly at Ace, a cold and nasty death’s-head grin, and he fell back a pace as the last of his spell fell away from me, defeated.

  “So,” he said harshly. “It’s true. You’re not human. That spell would have worked on any man.”

  “A man might have shown you mercy,” I said. “But we’re beyond that now.”

  He thrust his conceptual gun in my face. I grabbed his pointing finger and broke it. And while he was distracted by the pain, I reached automatically for my gift, to find some weakness in his defences…and it was there, just waiting to be used. I didn’t waste any time wondering why. I simply fired up my gift, reached out with my mind, and found the operating spells controlling the combat sorcerers’ magical items. And then it was the easiest thing in the world to tear away all the items’ controls and restraints and let the amulets and charms and fetishes release all their power at once.

  I could have fixed it so they would discharge harmlessly, but I didn’t feel like being merciful.

  The magical items exploded like grenades, blowing their owners apart. Thirteen cowboys cried out in shock and pain and horror as their power sources punched holes through their chests, tore off their arms, or blew their heads apart. It was all over in a few moments, and then there were thirteen dead combat sorcerers lying on the bar-room floor, in slowly spreading pools of blood and gore. Alex lowered his glowing cricket bat, breathing hard. Betty and Lucy Coltrane looked around, kicked the bodies nearest them just in case, and then high-fived each other.

  Bettie Divine looked at me, shock and horror in her face.

  “John; what have you done?”

  “He said Kill them all.”

  “That doesn’t mean you had to kill all of them!”

  “Yes it did,” I said. “I have a reputation to maintain.”

  “What?”

  “They threatened me, and my friends, and they killed a poor drunk sorcerer. They broke my first rule. Thou shalt not mess with me and mine. I just sent a message to Kid Cthulhu and all his kind.”

  “You killed thirteen men to make a point?” Bettie was staring at me as though she’d never seen me before, and perhaps she hadn’t. Not this me.

  “They would have killed you,” I said.

  “Yes. They would have. But you’re supposed to be better than that.”

  “I am,” I said. “Sometimes.”

  She wasn’t even looking at me any more. She knelt beside what was left of the man called Ace. He’d carried three magical charms, and they’d torn him apart as they detonated. The amulet had blown his hand right off his wrist. His head was still pretty much intact. He looked more surprised than anything. Bettie cupped his face with one hand.

  “We were close, once. When we were both a lot younger. He wasn’t always like this. We had dreams, of all the wonderful things we were going to do. And I became a reporter for a tabloid, and he ended up as a cowboy. He wasn’t bad, not when I knew him. He liked silly comedies, and happy endings, and he held me on bad days and told me he believed in me. And yes, I know, he would have killed me if you hadn’t stopped me. That doesn’t change anything.”

  “Did you love him?” I said.

  “Of course I loved him. The man he was then. But I don’t think he’d been that man for some time.” She stared down at the dead face, into his staring eyes. She tried to close the eyelids, but they wouldn’t stay closed. Bettie made a sound, and sat back on her heels. “I thought I’d be stronger than this. Harder, more cynical. The things I’ve seen, and done…the death of someone who used to be a friend, long ago, shouldn’t affect me like this. I didn’t think I could still hurt like this.”

  “You get used to it,” I said. And immediately knew it was the wrong thing to say. “Bettie, you’ve got nothing to feel bad about. This is all down to me.”

  “Yes,” she said. “It is.”

  She got up, all calm and composed again, and walked straight past me to the bar. She picked up her drink and took a dainty sip. She didn’t look at me once. And I knew she’d never look at me the same way again, after seeing what I could do, what I would do, when pushed to the wall.

  I will always do whatever is necessary, to protect my friends, whether they approve or not.

  Alex helped Betty and Lucy Coltrane loot the bodies of anything worth the having, and then directed them to haul the bodies out back and dump them in the alley outside. Where the Nightside’s various scavengers would quickly dispose of them. There’s not a lot of room for sentiment in the Nightside. I would have helped, but I was busy thinking. Why had control of my gift been returned to me, after being blocked twice already? Presumably, whoever had been interfering with my gift just didn’t need to any more. Because they were watching over me and knew I’d located Pen Donavon.

  Still musing, I wandered back to the bar. Alex had finally persuaded Donavon to come out from behind it, and he was emerging slowly, bit by bit, staring with horrified eyes at all the ca
rnage and destruction.

  “They’ll always be coming after me, won’t they?” he said sadly. “It’s never going to be over. I’m never going to get my life back. It wasn’t much, but it was mine, and it was safe.”

  “You’ll be safe again once we get you and the Afterlife Recording back to the Unnatural Inquirer’s offices,” Bettie said briskly. “You’ll have the paper’s full resources behind you. No-one will dare touch you.”

  “And once you’ve handed over the DVD, no-one will have any reason to go after you,” I said.

  “They might expect me to intercept another broadcast,” said Donavon.

  “We’ve seen your television,” I said. “Smash it. End of problem.”

  “We’ll never make it to the paper’s offices,” said Donavon. “They’ll be lining up to get at me, all along the way.”

  “John will find a way,” Alex said firmly. “It’s what he does. When he isn’t busy trashing my bar.”

  “He doesn’t have his gift any more,” said Bettie. “He’s been neutered.”

  “Actually, no,” I said. “I’ve got it back, now I’ve caught up with Donavon. Tell me, Pen, what made you think to come here, looking for me?”

  “I got a phone call,” said Donavon. “It said I’d be safe at Strangefellows. That John Taylor could protect me. I knew your name, of course. And the bar’s reputation.”

  “Who called you?” I said.

  “Don’t know. Identity withheld. I didn’t recognise the voice. But I was desperate, so…”

  Alex looked at me. “Kid Cthulhu?”

  “Maybe,” I said. “Or maybe there’s another player in this game. Someone powerful enough to shut down my gift until it didn’t matter any more. And just maybe, someone who wanted me to find Donavon, eventually…The rules of this game seem to be changing. I wonder why.”

  “I’d better track down Suzie,” said Alex.

  “She might have her phone turned off if she’s busy. You know Suzie’s only really happy when she’s working. If you can find her, tell her I need her the moment she’s free. I’ve got a feeling this case is going to get seriously ugly.”