A Shattered Heart

"You're angry at me?" I asked almost in awe as I scooted up on my bed so I could get a better look at him.

  "You're fucking right I'm angry at you. You act like some fucking martyr who holds the market on pain. How dare you make today about yourself." His voice shook with so much rage I could practically see it vibrating in the air between us. He threw my pillow with all his might. It crashed into my table, knocking over my lamp. He looked pleased with the impact. I reached over to my table without saying a word and picked up the vase of fake flowers Mom had given me to brighten up the room. I hated the vase and flowers with a passion but couldn't face disappointing her by getting rid of them. Brian did it for me by throwing the vase against the wall. Glass shattered down from the sky onto my floor like rain. We watched it with different levels of satisfaction.

  I handed him an empty glass next, which also joined the broken vase. A bottle of Advil was next and then a Precious Moments statue someone gave me after the accident. I was actually sad I didn't get to smash that one. Eventually my table ran out of items. I could tell Brian was far from being done. I rose from my bed, searching for something else for him to throw.

  Before I could leave my room, he captured me in his hands. His eyes burned into mine. "Today is not about you," he growled.

  Startled, I looked down at my wrist, which was held fast by his hand. "Today is my day. Do you understand me, Kat?" he said, shaking me with enough force to make my head snap forward. "You're not allowed to be selfish today."

  Two years of defensive training kicked in as my own anger surfaced. He could not dictate what days I hurt. He wasn't allowed to tell me I couldn't be selfish. Today of all days should have been a free pass. Without giving a warning, I twisted in his hands, freeing myself. Anger radiated through me. How could he not see what today was doing to me? I wanted to lash out at him. Make him hurt as much as I was. My fist shot out, catching him in the cheek. Satisfaction surged through me. I didn't need to throw things to express my anger. His face would work. He narrowed his eyes and made a move toward me, but I sidestepped it, bouncing on the balls of my feet. If he was looking for a fight, I'd give him one. I threw another punch, catching him in the jaw this time.

  Brian's eyes glinted back at me. He threw his own punch, which was slow. It was obvious he wasn't used to sparring. He might be a stud on the football field, but this was my field. I deflected his punch easily before giving him a swift kick in the gut. I could hear his grunt of pain, and his next punch was much faster. It was deflected again, but this time he was ready. He swatted my fist aside, throwing me off balance.

  I stumbled back. His hands shot out to stop me from falling backward, but my momentum was already helping gravity. I grasped for his hand and for a moment as his hand encircled mine I thought my backside would be safe from meeting the floor, but his legs somehow got tangled with mine as he took an unsteady step forward, trying to save me.

  The impact of hitting the floor was jarring.

  All air left my lungs with a whoosh. I grunted with pain as all Brian's weight landed on me. I was going to be a colorful array of bruises by tomorrow.

  Gasping, I tried to catch my breath. I wedged my hands up between us, trying to give my lungs some hope for survival. "You're crushing me," I said when his weight continued to pin me. I pushed against his chest, which felt as hard as granite beneath my fingers. I could feel his heart thudding steadily against my palm, unsettling me. My eyes drifted up to meet his.

  All traces of anger were gone as he shifted, giving my lungs a small measure of freedom. I expected him to get up. To jump to his feet and act like this hadn't happened. What I wasn't expecting was the sudden awareness in his eyes. The way he was looking at me didn't hold a trace of "just friends." A slow flush worked its way up my neck as my mind pieced together how close our bodies were. Embarrassed, I pushed harder on his chest, but he was as unrelenting as a boulder.

  "Brian," I implored, wiggling beneath him, which I knew was a mistake. The parts of me that I thought had shriveled up and died along with Dan roared to life like a lion being provoked with a stick. This was insane. We were hardly friends. How could I possibly be thinking about how good he felt on top of me?

  "Kat," he mocked, sliding a hand up to my face. The same hand I'd pictured touching my face just days before. It felt a million times better than the image my head had conjured up. His face was mere inches from mine and I couldn't help thinking about how strong his jaw looked or how full his lips were. They were crazy thoughts. I was only thinking them because this was the closest I'd been to another person in a very long time. My traitorous lungs malfunctioned again as he tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear. His fingers lingered on my lobe.

  Time stood still.

  All reason left me.

  For a moment, the briefest of moments, I allowed myself to dwell on how good it felt to be surrounded so completely by another person again. The only problem was, Dan never felt like this. His frame had been smaller, slighter, almost feminine, though I'd never made the distinction. He'd felt so right pressed against me when we'd pushed the limits of our make-out sessions on his parents' couch. Our bodies had fit together like two pieces of a puzzle.

  Brian's build was discerning. His body was like a shelter that hinted of an ability to curl around my body, shielding me from the outside world. He was a complete one-eighty from his brother. He was one hundred percent male. Every nerve in my body moved to high alert as I shifted again. Mistake. Sensations of awareness and heat shimmered just below the surface. I resisted repeating the movement. This was wrong. Terribly wrong. I was a horrible person for the thoughts that were running a campaign in my head. It was glaringly obvious I wanted him. I wanted Dan's brother. There was a special place in hell for people like me.

  Twelve

  "Get up," I choked out, pushing against him, trying to dislodge him from my body while I pretended I didn't notice how intimately we were touching.

  "Are you sure you want me to get up?" he taunted, moving his lower half slightly.

  A gasp left my lips before I could even think of holding it back. His eyes darkened at the sound. He moved closer as his thumb stroked my cheek.

  I could smell whiskey on his breath. Understanding crept in. "You're drunk," I whispered. "This is wrong, Brian," I said, trying to be the responsible adult. What were we doing here? How had we gone from being friends to this? We'd somehow skipped a whole bunch of steps in the middle.

  "Yes." His voice was husky as his thumb found my lips. He rubbed it lightly across my bottom lip. "But it feels so right, doesn't it?"

  A delicious shivered moved up my spine at the gesture. "This is wrong," I croaked. I wasn't sure if I was trying to convince him or myself. What were we doing?

  "Why?" His thumb slid across my bottom lip again, making me lose my train of thought.

  "Because."

  "Because why?" he taunted, barely rocking his body against mine. The movement was so slight I couldn't be sure if he actually moved or if my mind was playing tricks on me. Maybe I was the one who rocked beneath him.

  The heat I'd been vainly trying to bank roared to life. His thumb stroked across my lips again and this time it was clear that my hips were the ones moving. Everything about this was wrong, but it felt so right. What about Dan? a silent voice mocked me. This was his brother, for God's sake.

  "Because I love your brother," I finally whispered, trying to inject some sanity into the moment. I held my breath, waiting for him to leap off me. He respected his brother enough to know this was wrong.

  His thumb moved away from my lip. Acute disappointment speared through me. I was being ridiculous. Disappointment should be the last emotion I was feeling.

  Brian didn't leap off me as I had expected, nor did his hand leave me. Instead, it moved to the side of my face where it gently cupped my cheek. "I know you do," he said just before his lips crushed mine.

  He tasted of whiskey and raw heat.

  Dan's kisses had been minty and sweet from the wintergree
n TicTacs he kept on hand. We'd discovered kissing together. In the beginning our kisses were timid, awkward, unsure. As we got older they were braver, more bold, but there had been a sense of reservation to them. Maybe it was because we'd decided to wait for the next step.

  There was nothing timid or unsure about Brian's lips against mine. They were bolder than Dan's had ever been, despite the hundreds of kisses we'd shared. They consumed and dominated. They made Dan's seem immature and adolescent in comparison.

  I used the last shred of my sanity to try to push him away again. It was a feeble attempt, lacking any real substance. He would regret this in the morning. We both would. I was an asshole to be comparing him to his brother. He would hate me if he could hear my thoughts. I hated myself.

  My hands gave up their lame attempt. Instead, they seemed to have a mind of their own as they left his chest and burrowed in his hair, dragging him closer. I was surely going to hell, but I couldn't find the will to care. I was consumed by a fire that made me feel truly alive for the first time in two years. Maybe this was hell. The heat felt like it could be. If it was, I never wanted to leave.

  Brian moaned his approval, challenging my tongue to a duel as he swept into my mouth time and time again, setting my body ablaze. His body rocked against mine, keeping pace with his tongue. My legs tangled around his, dragging him even closer as his free hand tugged at my shirt. His rough palm grazed my midriff, making my back come up off the floor as I bowed toward him with desire. I wanted more. Scratch that. I needed more.

  He seemed to sense my urgency and need, or maybe his own needs matched my own. Without breaking the connection between our lips, his hand found its way under my shirt, not stopping until it cupped my breast. I whimpered against his lips, suddenly afraid of the sensations that seemed to be taking over my body. I wanted more. I moved against him, trying to ease the ache and fire, though the movement only seemed to spread it instead of smother it.

  "Brian, please," I begged against his lips, not sure what I was asking for.

  He pulled away, removing his hand from my breast.

  I bit my lip, forcing myself to remain silent. This was for the best. One of us had to step up and be the adult here. I tugged at my shirt, trying to cover my exposed stomach. Brian seemed to have other plans. With one fluid movement he pulled me to my feet and scooped me into his arms.

  My eyes went wide as he carried me to my bed. The significance of the moment hit me. We were crossing the point of no return. If I was going to put a halt to this, now was the time. My brain seemed to be on hiatus though, so my body took its absence as a free pass. As if to prove the point, my mouth moved to Brian's jawline, which fascinated me for some reason. My tongue took over, gliding across the light scruff that covered his chin. His arms tightened around my body as he lowered me to the bed and followed me down.

  Our lips crashed back together and nothing else seemed to matter. We'd be forced to live with our mistake afterward, but for now neither of us seemed to care. Our bodies burned for each other, demanding more. The clothes we wore seemed to melt away almost effortlessly. Soon nothing separated us. Brian pulled away long enough to grab protection.

  His brief absence was all I needed to regain some of my sanity. I closed my eyes as he moved back over me. I wanted this. I craved it like a drug addict, but I knew it was so very wrong. My passion still burned through me, but regret had already started to mock me. Closing my eyes was the only way I'd be able to survive the guilt.

  Brian was having none of that, though. His hand moved to my face, keeping it in place. "Look at me, Kat," he ordered, holding himself away from my body.

  I wanted to beg him to hurry. To finish what we started. I wanted the ache to go away. I wanted him to fill the emptiness inside me, but I knew all this was only temporary.

  "Kat." His tone was insistent, demanding.

  My eyelids fluttered open.

  He growled his approval, settling between my legs. "Keep your eyes open. I want you to know its me you're making love to."

  His words confused me. Didn't he realize I knew that? Not a cell in my body was unaware of who was touching me. Every thud of my heart knew whose hands were running along my body. I was aware of it all. I nodded my head. I sensed he needed that. We were both fighting our demons here.

  Brian moved closer until he was pressed against me. My hips moved upward, sick of waiting. Brian's mouth found mine, hot and unyielding. His tongue moved in and out as he slid slowly inside me. Pain sliced through me as he pushed his way in.

  I gasped. His body stilled over mine, and I heard him swear. He would have pulled back. I could tell by the way he stiffened, but my legs locked around his waist, holding him in place. We'd come this far. There was no way we weren't going to finish. "No," I said through gritted teeth as his eyes found mine. "You can't stop," I ordered, not even noticing the trickle of moisture that had left my right eye.

  He caught the tear with his lips before moving them back to mine. This time they were tender, coaxing. He moved in small increments, letting me adjust. My body began to loosen, accepting him."You should have told me," he said against my lips as he buried himself in me.

  "Does it matter?" I asked as the heat from earlier slowly simmered back to life.

  "Yes," he growled, sealing his lips back to mine as he picked up the pace, making the simmer boil over.

  Another tear left my eye as the sensations began to engulf my body, obliterating everything else. Brian consumed my every thought as he explored my body as if it belonged to him. He taught me a single gesture could be completely intoxicating. More importantly, he taught me that I was capable of feeling again. It was just sex. Nothing more. Liar, the silent voice taunted me.

  Thirteen

  Brian was still sprawled naked across my bed when I crept out of my room the next morning. I kept my eyes averted, trying not to think about all the things that particular naked body had done to me the night before.

  Waves of guilt threatened to consume me as I closed the bedroom door behind me. I was pond scum. I'd taken advantage of Dan's brother when he was hurting. It no longer mattered that I'd been hurting also. Brian's words from the night before had been playing on a nonstop loop in my head since I'd woken up. He was right. Yesterday wasn't about me, and yet I'd made it about me. I seemed to have a habit of doing that. I relished the pain. I believed it would somehow keep me connected to Dan.

  Pulling my running shoes on, I scooted out the front door, leaving the evidence of my sins behind. I took the steps two at a time, anxious to get out on the road. I wanted to feel the pavement slapping beneath my shoes. I wanted an excuse for my heart to pound with something other than pain.

  Carlos' patio was dark as I ran by it. He'd been more absent than present lately, and I wondered if it had anything to do with his friend Antonio. It was strange and felt almost wrong not to have him at his normal post.

  Thoughts of Carlos were eclipsed by all my other pressing thoughts as I jogged out of my complex. I adjusted my pace to a faster clip than I was used to. I didn't need my shrink to tell me I was trying to outrun my sins from the night before. Sleeping with Brian was a mistake. A mistake I wasn't sure he or I would ever be able to overcome. The tentative friendship we'd been nurturing over the last few weeks had been obliterated with our actions. I wouldn't allow myself to dwell on the thought. I'd made the choice and now I had to pay the consequences.

  I would stay away from my apartment long enough for Brian to leave. I was sure the guilt I was feeling was even worse for him. At least he had the excuse of alcohol for his actions. He'd come to me in pain and I'd taken advantage of that. I could have halted things. He was right to call me selfish. I'd made so many mistakes since Dan died. Instead of holing myself up on what would have been his shared birthday with Brian, I should have been a true friend to Brian. Not once in my cocoon of pity had I even considered what the day felt like to him. His birthday would be forever marred by the loss of his brother. It was a shitty thing to live with. I'
d now added to his list by sleeping with him when what he truly needed was a friend. I didn't need Dr. Carlton to tell me I used Brian to get something that had been stolen from Dan and me. My special room in hell was probably being heated for me.

  I pushed the thoughts aside and upped my pace so the running consumed everything else. I ran until the sun was high in the sky and my body was soaked in sweat. I wouldn't allow myself to stop until my legs threatened to liquify and my lungs were staging a mutiny, only then did I allow myself to head back to my complex.

  Before heading up to my apartment I scanned the parking lot, making sure Brian's jeep was gone. Only when I saw it absent from the parking lot did I head up. It was time to clean up my pity party. Maybe when I was done I would drive over to see Zach.

  I inserted my key into the lock but nothing happened. Confused, I pulled the key out and looked at it, wondering why it'd chosen this moment to act like an asshole. Cramming it back in the lock, I tried again, to no avail. I kicked the door with frustration. Great. I couldn't even call anyone since my phone was sitting on the couch cushions where I tossed it two days ago. Even if I had it with me it would most likely be dead. I'd have to go downstairs and see if Carlos would let me use his.

  Glaring at the door one last time, I headed for the stairs. The sound of something being unlocked stopped me before I could hit the second step.

  Brian stood in my doorway freshly showered, looking larger than normal. Maybe it was the illusion of standing framed in my doorway. Whatever it was, I couldn't help noticing his lack of resemblance to his brother at the moment.

  "My key wouldn't work," I said, lamely holding it up and waiting for him to move so I could get into my apartment.

  "I switched out your crappy lock for the new one on your counter," he said, not budging an inch as he leaned against my doorframe.

  "You didn't need to do that," I muttered, keeping my eyes focused on the space behind him as I tried to scoot by without touching him. "I didn't see your jeep in the parking lot."