Spice and Wolf, Vol. 14

  Perhaps the outside air had helped ease Elsa’s fatigue, for when she returned to the shop, her usual dignified air had returned. She was not the type to eavesdrop, so she had undoubtedly not heard Philon and Lawrence’s conversation. But she still seemed to sense the subtly changed atmosphere of the shop.

  She looked at Lawrence with questioning eyes, but Lawrence pretended not to notice. A confession like that was not something given easily.

  But if there was an answer to the question as to when to tell Holo about Myuri, asking God might not be such a bad idea, he thought.

  If he told Holo as soon as she returned, her mind would surely be filled with thoughts of him. And even if it was not, it would certainly be a source of unease for her.

  After all, Holo herself had said she would go with them to Kieschen, and there part ways. She could not very well just head off on her own for Yoitsu just because she learned about the Myuri mercenaries.

  No—Kieschen would be the place to tell her, when they were about to part, Lawrence thought.

  He really did not have much time left with her.

  As shameful as he found his selfish thoughts, he wanted her attention to be on the travel that still lay before them.

  The problem was whether he could hide that from Holo. It was probably impossible.

  But when he considered the question of whether or not she would try to pry it out of him when she noticed he was hiding something, the answer seemed to be in the negative. Regardless of how she had been in the past, the Holo of right now might well notice him hiding something, but she would keep silent.

  And when they parted ways and Lawrence told her about Myuri, she would ask why he had hidden that from her, and she would laugh and laugh.

  As any merchant would, Lawrence was making the most effective, profitable plan he could. It seemed sincerely loving someone made one’s thinking faster, but turned it in the most ridiculous directions.

  It had been an interesting experience, but it might be well to have this be the last, Lawrence mused, and it was as he smiled a self-reproaching smile and heaved a heavy sigh that the party returned.

  “Come, we’ve brought gifts!” came the loud, cheerful words as the door opened with a slam.

  Those within the shop had become used to the quiet, so the shock was all the more jarring.

  In the brief moment of time it took to look up and wonder what the matter was, Col followed Holo in and set a shallow bucket filled with water on the floor. His breathing was ragged, and he sat down on the floor right there on the spot, exhausted.

  The bucket had obviously been heavy for Col’s small frame, and, ignoring Lawrence’s sympathy for the lad, Holo stood there, her chest thrown out proudly.

  “Look, we’ve found today’s lunch!” said Holo, whose cheeks were also red and shiny with sweat.

  Lawrence approached, wondering what it could be, when his nose was assaulted by a pungent smell. Its source was soon very clear.

  Within Col’s bucket swam a number of dark eels.

  “Magnificent, aren’t they? We were wandering around the docks when we came upon some fool who’d tipped over a great barrel. Inside were all these eels, and they were scattered around like windblown soot!”

  The exhausted Col was unable to get to his feet, so Elsa, worried, crouched down beside him to check on him. Meanwhile, Holo smiled triumphantly.

  She smelled bad, and her sleeves were damp.

  “Don’t tell me you stole these.”

  “Fool! We were asked to help catch them, and this is our reward! I was the best at catching them. Wasn’t I?”

  Prodded by Holo’s question, Col smiled a weak smile.

  Philon came over as well and peered inside the bucket. They were fine eels, big and fat.

  “Well…still, you ought to change your clothes,” said Lawrence.

  “Mm? Oh, aye. I am a bit damp. Well, I’ll leave the preparation to you. Come, Col!” Holo chattered away, and Col, having finally caught his breath, managed to stand. Given his exhausted state, anyone watching would have wanted to stop him.

  But the one who actually did was neither Elsa nor Lawrence.

  “Ha-ha-ha-ha!” He laughed a boisterous, infectious laugh, head back and hands on his hips. No actor in a town square could manage such a performance as Philon did naturally in that moment. “Goodness, but you’re amusing guests indeed! Don’t worry, we’ll make ready some hot water and handle the preparation.”

  “R-really?”

  “If you walk around outside like that you’ll catch cold. I’ll have the lads heat a bath. As far as a change of clothes goes, hmm…,” said Philon, thinking, at which point Lawrence got some words in.

  “I can get a change of clothes from the inn.”

  “Hm? Oh well, let’s do that, then. In the meantime, we’ll deal with these eels. They’ll make for an unexpectedly grand lunch!”

  Lawrence wondered for a moment if in taking a bath here at the shop, Holo would let her ears or tail be seen, but doubted that Holo would let such a thing happen.

  Elsa had helped Col to his feet, but Holo grabbed his hand and pulled him after her as she followed Philon farther into the shop. Lawrence watched her go and sighed helplessly.

  He felt foolish for worrying so much about so many things. Holo had burned his gloom away with a brightness that no gold coin could match.

  Lawrence scratched his head and looked down into the bucket of eels, a small smile on his face.

  “Well, then, I’m off to the inn,” he said to Elsa, who was watching Col’s bucket with concern. What stopped him just short of leaving the building was not a reply from her, but rather a statement.

  “I’m coming, too!” she said, just as an eel splashed noisily in the water. She flinched away from it as though avoiding a dangerous animal and came alongside Lawrence, keeping a wide berth from the bucket.

  She seemed rather scared of the eels.

  “I have some spare clothes I can lend you,” she said.

  Oh? thought Lawrence to himself. He was no Holo, but he had a certain ability to see through people’s lies.

  But there was no reason to point it out, so he simply nodded, and the two left the shop.

  Just as in any other town, the streets of Lenos had names. Every lane, big or small, had wooden signs erected, indicating that it was such-and-such street. Even the small alleys were well paved with cobblestones and had lovely wooden signs.

  Lawrence was admiring one as they passed when Elsa suddenly spoke up.

  “I have been thinking,” she said, almost as though talking to herself. But after a pause, she continued. “Can I be of any use to you?”

  “Huh?” Lawrence thought he had misheard, but this time Elsa looked right at him and spoke very clearly.

  “Can I be of any use to you? To all of you?” Her honey-colored eyes were as serious as ever. “Especially you—I know you don’t want to go to Kieschen. Am I wrong?”

  Lawrence looked back into those big eyes, smiled a thin smile, and replied. “That’s a surprising offer.”

  He anticipated her anger, but Elsa’s way of being angry was not what he expected. “It is not at all surprising.”

  She looked steadily back at him.

  The street was crowded, and if she kept walking along while looking aside at him, she would have easily been run over by a wagon. Before replying, Lawrence pulled her out of the way as a cart rumbled by, taking no notice of the pedestrian traffic as it went.

  “It is surprising,” said Lawrence. Pulled close like this, Holo would have pretended bashfulness or looked up at him winsomely, but Elsa did neither. Of course she would not, Lawrence admitted to himself, but he wondered if Evan the miller knew better and felt a moment of manly frustration.

  “I owe you a debt, you see,” said Elsa.

  From the conversation at the inn, Elsa seemed to have simply drawn some conclusions. The source of the distress between Lawrence and Holo was because they could not be in two places at once.

>   But if Elsa could be in one of those places, she could help solve the problem—it seemed an oversimple, childish idea, but more than that, it was a very clear, Elsa-like proposal.

  However, even if the Delink Company had not insisted on certain conditions, it would still not have been a solution. No matter how optimistically Lawrence regarded her, Elsa was not suited for the combat of trade.

  “I’m very grateful that you would offer,” said Lawrence with a smile. He did not give his reason for refusing, because it was true that he was grateful.

  Despite all her quarreling with Holo, Elsa showed no trace or hint of a grudge. Even merchants, who would cooperate with their mother’s worst enemy if it were in their own interest, were rarely so magnanimous.

  “I see…,” said Elsa, nearly sighing her deep disappointment.

  “Might I ask why you offer?” Lawrence asked, though it might have been a pointless question. Elsa’s strong faith in the teachings of God might mean that helping others was simply a matter of course for her.

  But his merchant’s intuition compelled him to ask anyway. His ears were even better than Holo’s when it came to sensing whether someone was being truly selfless. He guessed there might be a reason other than pure selfless kindness for Elsa to make such an offer.

  And just as he guessed, she replied without anger. “First, I’ve been turned away by the church here.”

  Undoubtedly the church in Lenos had no time for people like Elsa, after the fur riots. Before Lawrence could offer any words of comfort, Elsa made a troubled face and continued. “The second reason is…that we’re alike.”

  “Alike?” Lawrence was surprised by this unexpected statement.

  Elsa nodded and turned her head to face him. “Our true feelings are obvious, yet we both insist on putting on such great facades of responsibility.” She had the face of a great priest, one who could peer into another’s heart, see the pain that lurked there, and bring them comfort in its stead.

  Lawrence hastily averted his eyes. He had the feeling that everything inside him was being discovered through and through.

  “I left my village with just that facade. I can’t say I don’t have experience with it,” said Elsa, then looked ahead again.

  Surprised, Lawrence regarded her profile. “But finding a priest for your village is a proper reason, isn’t it?”

  “It is. And yet…” Elsa seemed conflicted. But it was not in the girl’s nature to remain indecisive. “Mr. Lawrence.”

  She looked up at him and said his name. Her face had a vulnerability to it she would never show him in the village of Tereo. It seemed as though she wanted to confess some sin and that Lawrence was the only person she could tell. At the very least, as an older man, perhaps he could give her some perspective.

  “This is something I should confess only to God.”

  Lawrence met Elsa’s pained gaze with a smile. “Do not worry. I have every intention of reaching the kingdom of heaven, so I’ll pass your message along.”

  It was a good joke coming from a stingy merchant like him, and Elsa smiled a strange, exhausted smile.

  But as a joke, it seemed to have had its intended effect.

  Elsa turned forward and rubbed her face, then looked down. She murmured a quick prayer before composing herself. “The reason I am searching for a priest to take charge of the church in my village is because I do not wish to hold the position.”

  Lawrence knew he could not betray surprise. A confessor’s role was only to listen. He took a breath. “And?” he prompted quietly.

  “Despite my position, I’ve had a faint wish.” Elsa looked up, suddenly seeming appropriately fragile for a girl her age. She seemed on the verge of tears, and her usual flush of spirited strength was nowhere to be seen.

  Elsa would never have shown this face to a stranger. The only other one who would have ever glimpsed it would have been Evan the miller. And as soon as the thought came to him, Lawrence realized the truth.

  She gripped tightly the hand-carved seal that she wore about her neck. The seal given to her by someone close to her when she had left the village.

  “If possible, my wish is to…someday make Evan my—”

  Lawrence did not allow her to continue further. He put his finger to her mouth and, with a sigh, spoke. “You should speak the rest of that sentence not to me, but to him.”

  The clergy were not allowed to marry.

  But if there was a church in a town, then someone had to be in its employ. Elsa had taken that duty all by herself, but it had never been her wish to remain alone.

  The facade and the truth.

  Knowing Elsa had heard his conversation with Holo and that she realized how similar they were made Lawrence feel too ashamed to look her in the eye.

  “But if that’s how you’ve always felt…” Trying to preserve his dignity as the older man in the conversation, Lawrence looked up at the sky, taking a deep breath.

  After a span of time, Elsa seemed much calmed. “It makes me very happy. Just the sentiment alone is enough.” She looked at him with an expression that made Lawrence rue his own powerlessness.

  So he added something. “We merchants are very harsh about borrowing and lending. We don’t say such things lightly.”

  A merchant would happily squeeze debt from a family member. Lawrence thought about saying so but decided there was no need.

  Elsa nodded as though forcing herself to accept his words, then smiled awkwardly.

  The bell signaling midday rang a series of irregular strikes. Lawrence spoke only after the echo of the bell’s toll had faded into the sky.

  “Still, your relationship with him was rather obvious, I must say.”

  Elsa looked up at Lawrence with eyes wide in surprise. “Did you suppose that we were trying to hide it?”

  That in and of itself was a surprise, as Lawrence’s wry smile made quite clear.

  But as Lawrence smiled, beside him Elsa cleared her throat. Lawrence looked, and it seemed as though she were brushing away the embarrassment of her confession and purposefully resuming her serious face.

  “So, even if I cannot directly solve your problem, I am still clergy. If someone is hiding pain in their heart, I can at least listen to their troubles. After all…” Elsa’s expression hardened. “…I confessed my heart.”

  She was a clumsy bargainer. But for the straightforward Elsa, it was a good try.

  And it was true—she had told him about Evan, and her desire to give solace to anyone suffering in the gap between their heart and their facade was a sincere one.

  “You’re right.” Lawrence raised his hands in surrender.

  Elsa cleared her throat again. “To be blunt, the way you two act is unnatural.”

  Having it thrown in his face so directly made Lawrence feel a touch irritated. “I’m a human, and she’s a wolf. There’s nothing ‘natural’ about it,” he replied.

  Elsa drew a sharp breath at these words, but pressed on nonetheless. “That is not what I mean.”

  “Then what do you mean?” Lawrence immediately replied.

  “Why should two lovers not hold hands?”

  Hearing this, Lawrence froze in his tracks. And not out of anger.

  He was shockingly embarrassed, and his hand came up to cover half his face.

  “I simply can’t understand it. You say she’s a wolf, but there are many such stories in the books my father left behind, so…”

  Lawrence held up his other hand in an attempt to get Elsa to stop. He was too humiliated to so much as look at her. He stared off into the distance, waiting for his pounding heart to slow down.

  Holo had made fun of him for being “girlish,” but he was suddenly shocked to realize how pure and naive he truly was.

  “…Pardon me,” Lawrence managed with the last of his merchant’s composure, and then he just stood there for a moment. For the first time, he knew the destructive power that words like “two lovers” could have when used outside of a poem.

  “
N-now you see, Miss Elsa, that we live here in reality. Just as we cannot exist in two places at once, solving our problem is not so simple as joining hands.”

  On that count, Holo’s reasoning for going with him to Kieschen was perfect. It was so logical that any merchant the world over would applaud its correctness.

  “If that’s so, why won’t you fight for it? You say that without having even tried! You—”

  “—!” Lawrence himself did not know the nature of the verbal explosion he had just swallowed down. But his hand had reached out and grabbed Elsa’s robe by the collar.

  “…My apologies,” he said, immediately coming to his senses and releasing her.

  Instead of fixing her clothing, Elsa gave Lawrence a sharp glare. But her anger was not at his outburst, but rather that, despite the intensity of his words, he was still hiding his true feelings behind his own facade.

  “I have tried…to fight.”

  “Truly?” shot back Elsa.

  “Truly or not…that I don’t know.” Lawrence walked on, leaving the flustered Elsa aside. Her face still a mask of disbelief, she trotted to catch up to him. “What do you mean, you ‘don’t know’?”

  “I mean exactly that. Of course I want to go with her to our original destination. I want to go to her homeland. But the circumstances won’t allow that. And the logical course of action is to do as she says. It’s best for her, and it’s best for me. And it’s best for Col.”

  The words the adult decision had a nice ring to them.

  Elsa seemed about to say something in response to Lawrence’s remarks, but in the end she stopped herself. She looked down, frustrated and pained.

  Lawrence himself thought he ought to go to Yoitsu with Holo. No, not thought—wished. But it was impossible to overturn Holo’s reasoning. If he did, it would be astonishingly selfish of him, and he could not imagine that Holo would be pleased by such selfishness.

  Throwing everything recklessly away and getting a tidy, happy ending only ever happened in stories. In reality, life had to continue.

  Holo had spoken with a tired smile on her face—living involved a lot of time. Life was too long to throw everything away just for one moment.

  Lawrence and Elsa walked wordlessly along, and finally the inn came into view. The first floor was filled with craftsmen taking their lunch and travelers, too. There were many faces, some happy, some not.