Malice in Wonderland #1: Alice the Assassin

CHAPTER FIVE

  Humpty Dumpty

  Alice holds the rattle to her ear, and gives it a shake with a demoniacal grin.

  Perhaps it might have amused me a while when I first got here at the tender age of seven, but it’is nothing to me now that I’m thirteen. It’s hardly a trifle worthy of fighting over, but the Tweedles have always been rather simple. Perhaps one will end up shooting the other with the pistol. Good riddance. I would have found it most difficult to kill them both at once, and if I killed only one, the other would surely seek revenge.

  Her next stop is Humpty Dumpty’s wall. It isn’t far from where the Tweedles dwell.

  As she approaches, she can hear him singing to himself, over and over to himself.

  “I’m Humpty Dumpty, here on my wall!

  I’m Humpty Dumpty, and I cannot fall!”

  Soon, she is standing in front of him.

  There he is sitting on his very narrow, really quite low wall. (It’s only three bricks thick, three feet wide, and only a few inches taller than Alice herself.) He used to have a higher and wider one, but the Queen took it away and gave him this one after he offended her in some way a few years ago.

  Alice waves hyperactively at him, with a goofy grin on her face. “Hello egghead!”

  She’d only ever called him that once, as a sort of joke when she was eight. He’d laughed along with her, asked her to come closer, then surprised her with a kick to her face that bloodied her nose and knocked her backward onto her rear.

  Do you remember, Humpty-so-grumpy?

  “What is this?” he asks, then chuckles a little. Now he laughs, now he outright guffaws with thundering belly laughs, teetering back and forth precariously on his very narrow wall. And for a moment Alice is filled with hope that he will fall, but of course he never does. “That’s funny!” he shouts. “But you know what’s even funnier? Come closer, child, and I shall tell you!”

  Alice puts on a darling girl smile, sweet as can be, with dimples and all. She twirls and curtsies, raising the bottom edge of her black dress. “No thank you. No offense, right? I’m just joking with you.”

  But Humpty Dumpty, she knows, is a very non-joking sort. He’s quite vicious and cruel. The great curve of his smile turns immediately to an upside-down frown.

  “Ptooey!” He spits a piece of gum at her, but she dodges aside. If she had not, it would have gone in her hair, just like the unhappy unbirthday party a few months ago, when some one had spit a piece of gum in the back of her head. When she’d turned around they’d all denied it, laughing. She’d always suspected it had been Humpty.

  But she has more pressing matters to attend to rather than bringing that up again.

  He shakes his fist at her while scowling. “Why you little brat! I should spank you! Get onto my lap and take your punishment!”

  He only wants me to go up there because he won’t come down here. He only ever leaves that wall to attend my unhappy unbirthday parties.

  She shouts, “Only if you give my heart back!” She isn’t sure he took it, because the Tweedles might have lied about it, but perhaps she can trick him into confessing.

  He chuckles, smiling big again. “Why, my dear brat, I haven’t got it on me. Can’t you see?” He spreads wide his arms. “You know everything I have I either carry with me or set against my wall…”

  It’s true. Humpty requires few possessions. Indeed, he can’t have too many because he spends all his time on his wall and can only carry so much on him. He also sets a few possessions at the base of his wall, but those possessions are very few indeed. But she can’t see the other side of the wall right now…

  Again, Alice tries pretending to know more than she actually does. “But I saw you take it!”

  “Did you now? Well, if I did, maybe I gave it away!”

  “To who?”

  “To whom. Mind your grammar.”

  “To whom?”

  “None of your business.”

  Alice scowls and puts one arm akimbo. “It certainly is my business! It was my heart!”

  “Finders keepers.”

  “You didn’t find it. You stole it.”

  “You seem to be doing fine without it. Why it’s like an appendix! Completely unnecessary!”

  She narrows her eyes. “Do you have one?”

  “An appendix? Of course not. I’m not a book!”

  “No, a heart.”

  “Your heart? No, I told you already.”

  She argghs in frustration. “No, a heart inside you.”

  “What do you think?”

  She thinks maybe he doesn’t have a heart at all—maybe none of the citizens of Wonderland do—that’s what makes them so vicious. And now that I’m like them, I can use that to my advantage.

  She says, “How do I know you’re not lying about my heart? Maybe it’s around here somewhere.” She peers around and starts to circle the little wall. It’s indeed little, barely wide enough to fit Humpty’s bottom. It’s a wall that blocks or guards nothing at all.

  As she walks, he mockingly laughs at her. He laughs so hard that his huge saucer eyes begin to tear up.

  “Look all you want, little girl! Why would I even bother lying to you! Why, you wouldn’t do anything about it no matter what I do. You wouldn’t hurt a fly!” He’s mocking her, reminding her of the prank he had played on her—with the meat and flies.

  Her eyes go wide as on the other side of the wall, she sees the roll of tape resting at the base—the tape he uses to bind her wrists while tormenting her.

  “Ah, so you remember the tape? Why it’s only one of the two world possessions I need. I only need toys to play with you with. I have no use for your heart! But perhaps if you’re good and play with me, I’ll help you get it back.”

  She shoots hatred at him with her eyes. “Why would you want that?” Meanwhile, she’s thinking, He mentioned another possession but I don’t see it anywhere…

  He says, “Those with hearts suffer more. More fun to play with. And I must say, ever since you’ve lost yours, you seem much more disobedient. In need of some punishment. Oh, how I love to punish you!”

  At this point, Alice has circled back around where she began, facing up at the egg-shaped man sitting atop his perch.

  She says, defiantly, “Now that I have no heart, perhaps you should be afraid. I might strike back now, be ruthless.”

  “Poppycock, brat! I’m still stronger than you and the weak succumb to the mighty.” And here he raises his arms in the air like a victorious gladiator—and a glint of metal flashes in his hand—she focuses her eyes and realizes it’s the razorblade.

  “Yes!” he says. “This is the second possession. It is the very same one. The same one I cut you with at your unhappy unbirthday party, do you remember?”

  “I remember. I had the sniffles, so you offered to help me by bleeding me. That was kind of you. It cured me. It made me think perhaps you weren’t so bad.”

  He laughs. “You idiot! Bloodletting doesn’t do anything for a cold. I tricked you! Are you really so dense? You willingly let me slice you! All the other fellows and I had a great laugh at that behind your back. We were just waiting for the perfect moment to reveal it to you. It’s all about timing don’t you know.”

  Her face shows shock and outrage, but before she realizes and tries to hide it, it’s already too late—he’s seen.

  He laughs at her. “A priceless expression. Worthy of a portrait. So what are you going to do, now that you’re heartless? Are you thinking you’ll topple me? Is that it?” He quickly slices the blade through the air then calls out:

 

  “I’m Humpty Dumpty, here on my wall!

  I’m Humpty Dumpty, and I cannot fall!

  I’ll kick you and slice you and kill you and more!

  And when it all ends, you’ll be covered in gore!”

 

  Alice feels such hatred come over her towards him—she had felt it before, when she had a heart, but she had never acted on it—because she cou
ldn’t bring herself to harm another. It was much nobler, she had felt, to suffer in humility. She felt she would be rewarded in the end, for there was the saying—the meek shall inherit the earth. And she had been as meek as she could possibly manage. And she used to try to be so trusting of others.

  But now that she is heartless, she is much less naive and she almost expects everyone to be deceitful, for she now realizes there is so much advantage in it. Why should she believe a word this egghead says? Perhaps he had grown curious and taken the heart as his own. She wouldn’t put it past him. She wouldn’t put anything past anyone. And she now marvels at her old self—how could I have been so naive before, thinking perhaps everyone had good motives, that everyone has a good side to them, even though it may perhaps be buried deep. When the truth is there is much to be gained from being heartless, immoral.

  She says to him, “You know, when I asked if you had a heart inside you, you asked, ‘What do you think?’ You never said no.”

  He waves his razorblade brandishing hand. “Technicalities. Pish posh. Haberdash.”

  “So I’ll tell you what I think. I think I don’t know what to think. I know you say you’re not an egg, but you sure look like an egg. And whatever you are, you could certainly fit a lot of things inside you. And just a short while ago, the Tweedles recited to me a most curious poem. About when one of them broke you open. Do you know it?”

  The egg-shaped man grimaces. “That I do.”

  “There is a particular couplet I find most intriguing. Do you know the one?”

  He grins ferociously. “Why don’t you tell me, earless girl.” He points with the razorblade.

  With a fright, she lifts her hands to her ears, feels them still there. She scowls at him, sure her face must be scrunching up severely.

  Humpty says, “Sorry. Just practicing calling you that. You were speaking of the poem.”

  She nods, lowers her hands that form fists. “‘If you just rush, and don’t stop for a minute, you’ll end up with too much of your own self within it.’ They wouldn’t explain. It seems to imply that if someone like me broke you open and tried to cook the insides, I’d ‘put too much of my own self in it.’ It might be a play on words, or perhaps you literally have a part of myself inside you. Like my heart.” She glares at him suspiciously.

  He glares at her. “Is that what you think?”

  She decides to taunt him, before her next planned move, which is to topple him. It looks like it would barely take a nudge. “Which one pushed you over? Tweedle dee or dum? It only took one? Did the other sit and watch and laugh and point?”

  Indignantly, “Why, the other one wasn’t there yet!”

  Alice fights to keep from grinning. She had tricked him into revealing more than he had intended. She could get used to this being deceptive without a heart thing. But no! I have to get my heart back! I mustn’t lose sight of that fact, even if I start forgetting the reasons why…

  She looks at him in a pitying expression, “And yet, still, it only took one? Is it because you’re egg shaped?”

  “He just caught me off guard is all! But that was a long time ago. I’ve been practicing my balance. It would take a hurricane to knock me off now. A hurricane! And you, little girl, though you blow hot air, are not one.” And he crosses his arms.

  Alice decides to lie again, just to see if she can tease more information out of him. “So they said, that after they both broke you, they made a scrumptious omelet. Bacon, cheese, and ham! Yummy!”

  His cheeks flare red. Why if he were an egg, he might be hard boiling himself right now, she thinks with a giggle.

  “Lies! I cannot stand a liar! I hope those two do end up killing each other over that rattle!” He crosses his arms, harumphs.

  “Oh I bet you can’t name one lie in what they said. I think they’re quite honest.”

  He scooches his head slightly to the side, disdainful. “First of all, I am not an egg! So they made no omelet! That’s a bald faced lie! And second, it wasn’t the both of them that broke me. Why the other one had not even been born yet!”

  “What do you mean, not born yet?

  He clamps his mouth. “You ask too many questions!”

  “So it only took one of them to topple you!” Mocking laugh.

  “It’s not like that! I was caught off guard from my usual superb balance. There was a snake.”

  “A snake?”

  “Yes, I’m deathly afraid of snakes. Snakes like to eat eggs you see, even though I’m not one. An egg, that is. The snake gave me such a fright that I lost my superb balance a bit, and Tweedledee nudged me over, and well, I had a great fall.”

  “Boom! Crash!” She jumps to add drama, making clawing hands.

  Humpty Dumpty leans back in surprise, teetering a little, but doesn’t quite completely lose balance.

  She sneers. “So did you land sunnyside up?”

  “I tell you I’m not an egg!”

  “So what was inside?”

  “You’ve irritated me so much, now I won’t tell.”

  She peers at him. “It seems maybe you could store things inside, to hide things away.”

  “We all hide things away.”

  “So what is inside you?”

  “You want to know what’s inside? I’ll tell you:

 

  Oh, I am just like you within,

  Just like a heartless Alice.

  Just like your dark and hateful twin,

  Who’s brought to birth by malice.

 

  That dark and hateful twin who shows

  Inside the glass reflection.

  Who with time only stronger grows,

  From all your imperfection.

 

  We all have that dark twin of us,

  Who gazes from the mirror,

  Who threatens to replace us,

  As darkness edges nearer.

 

  ‘Where’s my old self?’ one day you’ll say,

  As you gaze into the glass.

  The dark twin now is here to stay,

  And your old self’s gone and past.

 

  Maybe he’s hiding my heart inside him, maybe he’s not. Either way, he deserves to die.

  She charges him—as she runs, the rattle sounds—she slams her palm under Humpty’s mouth. As she pushes with all her might, the rattle sounds again.

  Humpty sways backward precariously but doesn’t fall—he slashes out with the razorblade and Alice instinctively jumps back.

  Humpty is looking around with worried eyes. “What was that sound? Did you hear it?”

  Alice doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Now she feels the trickle of liquid rolling down her cheek. She touches her face. She sees red blood on her fingertips. She won’t know how bad she’s cut until she can get to a mirror.

  Humpty’s glaring at her. “You’ve got a little boo boo.” He licks the side of the razorblade.

  Alice doesn’t want to risk any more injury. If I leave him there, he won’t follow me. He never leaves that wall except for my unhappy unbirthday parties, but I’ll have to worry about that later.

  Now something nags at the back of her brain. The rattle. Could it be he’d thought it was a snake?

  She gasps and points at the base of the wall. “What was that? I thought I saw a rattlesnake!” She hopes her acting is convincing enough.

  In a shrill voice he says, “What, a snake? You lie! Where?”

  Alice approaches the wall with a look of grave concern, with her hand crinkled against her mouth. “I—I think it slithered to the other side, behind you!”

  “What?”

  Alice watches Humpty’s eyes. He turns slightly to look and when he’s no longer watching her, she reaches into her dress pocket and gives the rattle a jostle.

  Humpty shrieks, panic on his face. He quickly turns to face Alice, begins swiveling, looking around. “Where is it? Kill it!”

  “There!” She points to her left, where he’s not looking.
As he turns to look he seems very careless in his balance and teeters quite dangerously.

  While he’s looking she runs to the other side of the wall and shakes the rattle.

  “Eeek!” he shrieks and lurches around to look, wobbles precariously and almost topples forward. He barely saves himself by windmilling his arms.

  Alice briefly considers pulling him forward to topple him but she still fears getting cut.

  She shrieks, points. “There behind you!” She doesn’t explain how unlikely it would be for a snake to be floating in midair, which is where she is pointing.

  Humpty roars while twirling, lashing out with his blade. He’s quite off balance now, he almost fell just then.

  And now Alice roars as she shoves him with both hands and he screams as he falls off. She hears a cracking crunch sound from the other side of the wall, then the sound of eggshell parts settling.

  She proclaimes:

 

  “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

  Humpty Dumpty said, “I can’t fall!”

  But he got so afraid from just a toy’s sound,

  That he lost his safe seat, and slammed into the ground!”