Broken

  The hope gave me new energy and I ran towards the clearing again hoping, dreaming that she would be waiting for me there, but as stormed in there I found it just as horribly empty as earlier. It screamed at me.

  No, something had to be very wrong. Not knowing what else to do I searched for her in the swamps all night, roaring my sorrow into the stillness of the night, making everything, every creature flee from my distress. I didn't eat anything all night and as sunrise approached I ran back home, heartbroken, devastated, wondering what could possibly have kept her away? She had been hunting these swamps every night since she was sixteen. It was in her blood, in her nature to do so. She needed it more than anything. Nothing could ever hold her back.

  Was it because of me?

  Next morning the St. Augustine Report was packed with pictures of me. The black jaguar which acted hostile towards the tourists last night. My picture filled half of the front page. People were scared, the article said. It was bad for tourism to have a predator like that running around. I sighed and tried to hide the paper when William and Sarah entered the kitchen. I sipped my coffee. Sarah looked at me.

  "Horrible with all these wild animals we have living up there in the swamps," she said and pointed at the paper curled up in my hand. "They should close that place up so the public couldn't get in and the creatures couldn't get out. I bet this one also lives in there like the one we had ten years ago. Remember that, doctor? The one that everybody all of a sudden wanted to hunt down. Poor creature. Wonder what ever happened to it. Did someone manage to shoot it? Well better off that way. Better the animal than some child getting hurt, am I right?"

  I smiled and nodded along wondering how many hunters would be out there the next days. They would come from everywhere once the news spread. It was going to be hell.

  "I do think I saw that black jaguar the other day out in the streets come to think of it," Sarah continued.

  I almost choked in my coffee. "You what?"

  Sarah turned and looked at me. "The other night when the doctor had been gone all day I couldn't sleep so I sat by the window and did some of my sewing while worrying where the good doctor might be. By sunrise in the light from one of the streetlamps I could have sworn I saw what I thought was a really big cat. Black as the night and with shining blue eyes. But before I could get out of my chair and stand up to see better it was gone. I thought that was what had broken into the house when I heard the sounds from downstairs. That's why I brought my gun."

  I scoffed while my heart was beating fast in my chest. "Probably just a hallucination from sleep deprivation," I said trying to sound convincing. "You worry too much, Sarah. It's not healthy for the body to not get enough sleep. It's bad for the heart."

  Sarah snorted. "Look who is talking," she said.

  I put a finger on my lips to ask her to stop and keep quiet. William was listening to us and I didn't want him to know that I was often out all night. Sarah thought I was out drinking so that was probably what she was implying. It was enough that he constantly worried about his mother.

  "Come on, William. I'll take you to school," I said and grabbed his lunch bag.

  I called Heather's parents from my office. Mrs. Kirk came to the phone.

  "Good morning dear Chris. Any news?" Her voice sounded worn and tired. A sadness had come into it.

  "I am actually calling you to ask you the same question," I said with a sigh. "I really need to find Heather."

  "Well maybe if you give her some time ..."

  "I am afraid she doesn't have much time. If she’s not taking her medicine the lung infection will kill her. If you know anything about where she might be, then it is of the greatest importance that you tell me."

  "We wouldn't keep that from you, Chris. You know me better than that," said Mrs. Kirk. "You sound almost like her father. He thinks I know where she is and just won't tell him either." She snorted in the other end and I could picture how she was shaking her head the way she always did when she was upset.

  I exhaled deeply. "I know. It's just that I thought ... well maybe she told you to not tell me where she was. That's all. It's killing me that I don't know where she is. And William ... he is asking for her. He wants to see her. He misses her," I said.

  I paused and listened for a little while. I tried to make the voices in my head quieter and searched to see if I could distinguish one from the others. I could. I succeeded in finding Mrs. Kirk's voice among the many. Then I did something I am not very proud of. I entered Mrs. Kirk's mind and listened in on her thoughts for a little. She was telling me the truth. She really didn't know where her daughter was, I concluded after a while. I hurried out again feeling awful for having invaded her privacy like that without asking for her permission and for not trusting her.

  "Of course he does. But we need to give her time. That's all we can do now. She'll come back to us. I am sure she will."

  Her words weren't very convincing.

  I put the phone down and stared out the window. I could hear the cicadas singing happily outside. I wondered about Aiyana. Why she hadn't come last night. I longed to be with her, every fiber in my body craved for her. I feared going out there again tonight only to find the clearing empty. For the first time I dreaded the transformation. I never wanted to feel the way I had last night again. I was petrified that she had left me and decided never to come again. Did she regret the day we spent together? The love making? Had she felt remorse afterwards? Was she overwhelmed with guilt and shame? It was wrong. I knew that. She was still a married woman. Knowing Aiyana, I knew she probably felt guilty even if he did treat her poorly. And now she had done to Michael exactly what he had always been afraid she would do. Now she was exactly as bad as he had always told her she was.

  I touched the window with my palm and felt the heat from outside. It was October and still almost ninety degrees. How I loved the big outdoors. Ever since I had become part of nature and it had become a part of me I felt miserable whenever I was indoors. I longed for the swamps and forests. I desired to be out in the open. If it wasn't for William I am sure I would have chosen to stay out there and never go back to civilization again. I had no need for human belongings or desires. I didn't want prestige or a title to my name. I wanted to hunt. I wanted to make raw love on the soil of the forest, I wanted to eat, sleep and make love. That was all I needed really. That and her. I exhaled and pictured her in front of me. I tried to hear her thoughts but couldn't find them. Had she abandoned me for the sake of her family? I couldn't blame her if she had. It was after all the right thing. But love doesn't follow rules, I thought to myself. It doesn't answer to regulations. Love just is and it won't go away just because it's not the right thing to do.

  I tried to forget about Aiyana for a while and wondered instead what to do about Heather. I had no idea how to find her but at the same time I had no idea what to do if I did? I hadn't yet decided what to do. I didn't know if it would even work, if I could heal her or not. The chances were minimal. I wanted desperately to be able to discuss this matter with Aiyana, but I had to respect her wishes. If she had decided she needed to stay away from me in order to take care of her family, then I had to respect that and leave her alone, even if it broke my heart to do so. So I couldn't turn to her. But I needed someone who could enlighten me. Someone who knew the fountain better than anyone else.

  Suddenly I knew just who to turn to.

  Chapter 29

  The rocking chair on the porch was still moving looking like someone has just left it but now it had a companion. A small spinning top was dancing next to it, causing me to chuckle as I walked up the stairs to the big house on the corner of the street. Everything looked the same. The house hadn’t aged a day during the ten years since I had last been there. The rows of white fluted columns on the front looked exactly the same, so did the majestic staircase leading to the front door in oak and the enormous windows. The garden and the topiaries, the deep wells of flowers, the smooth and perfect lawn, jets of water, grapes hanging
from the trees and several statues of beautiful mythological women dancing in a circle. I quite enjoyed this little vacuum of time and wondered if it was the same for the people inside.

  Halona opened the door. As always she did it without touching it. Next to her shoulder floated a book. She had grown. I was startled. She was no longer that little girl I had known ten years ago. She was now a full grown beautiful young woman. She was almost as stunning as her older sister even if she was lankier. Her gracious movements reminded me of the first time I had met Aiyana.

  Halona smiled widely when she saw me. A voice spoke from behind her.

  "Is it him, Halona?"

  Wyanet showed her face in the door. Beautiful and still floating through her own world of music. She hadn't aged a day. Her hair had turned gray over night from worrying about Aiyana alone in the swamps at night, but she had the same dark skin and beautiful big eyes. She was humming as she approached me.

  "Howahkan!" she exclaimed and wrapped her arms around me in a great hug. My Native American name meant of the mysterious voice. She gave me the name back when I often sang for the family and played my guitar. "We have missed you."

  I smiled as Halona grabbed my hand and dragged me inside the old house. "I have missed you too," I said and meant every word of it.

  As expected nothing had changed inside either. Nadie, the wise one, was in the kitchen preparing a great meal, Nidawi, the fairy one, was taking care of the family's many cats sitting on the floor with them in her lap, her thick blond hair touching the floor behind her back. She was the only blond of the girls, an albino, but apart from that she looked just like the rest of the family. She had over the years developed skills to heal animals with herbs, Wyanet told me and when she wasn't doing that she was still painting. Nina, the strong one, had married and no longer lived in the house.

  I said hello to all of the sisters and they hugged me tightly as their mother had done. I felt immediately comfortable in their presence and soon it was like I hadn't been away at all. Wyanet and I sat on the couch in the living room and talked for a long time. She wanted to know everything in my life. As we spoke I noticed Halona sitting on the windowsill curled up with her feet pulled up under her dress staring at the street outside. Next to her was the apparition of the great-grandmother who still hadn't found a way to cross over to the other side, to the world of the spirits where she really belonged.

  "They sit like that all day," Wyanet said. "Been like that for a week now. Often I wish that Aiyana were here to help me with Halona. They were so close the two of them. Halona hasn't been the same ever since she left. She even stopped all clocks in the house so they're still showing the time that Aiyana left. I've tried to correct them, but they always return to that same time."

  "What are they looking at?"

  "I don't know, really. But I have a feeling that Halona is waiting for somebody. I thought it was you, actually. I told her that I knew you were coming a month ago. I just didn't know when you'd be here," Wyanet laughed. "But here you are. It is so nice to finally see you again. Aiyana has told me that she has been seeing you a lot lately."

  "Are you in contact with her?" I asked surprised since Aiyana had told me something different.

  Wyanet nodded slowly while pointing a finger to her head. "Well, we have our ways of communicating."

  I smiled. Of course they did. I dropped my head thinking about Aiyana. As I did I heard voices on the stairs. I lifted my head and spotted two black people coming down. One carried a saxophone the other a trumpet. They greeted us with big smiles before they went outside on the porch and started playing soulfully. I was blown away by the sounds that emerged from these instruments. I had missed this. I had forgotten how much music meant to me, what a big part of me it was and how good it made me feel.

  "They are really good," I said to Wyanet. "Who are they?"

  She smiled. “Ellis and Tyler. They've been here for a couple of months. Just visiting. Came knocking one day on our door and have blessed us with their music and joyful presence ever since. They stay in Nina's old room."

  "That's nice." I closed my eyes for a second and listened closely to the notes floating into the house from the porch. I liked how it made me feel. I looked at Wyanet. She too had her eyes closed and was humming along.

  "So I guess that Aiyana has told you about my transformation?" I asked.

  Wyanet opened her eyes. "Yes she has. It is so exciting for you. I am so happy that you get to have this experience together. You and Aiyana." Wyanet grabbed my hand and held it tight. "It is a huge honor to be allowed to transform, you know that don't you? Cherish it. Protect it. Our tribe has worshipped the were-jaguars for generations. You are a part of a long line of proud shape-shifters now."

  It always dazzled me how Wyanet made me feel so important like no one else ever did. No status, no title or prestige could give me the same feeling. I felt like there was a higher meaning for me, a higher purpose that reached beyond this life.

  "I need to ask you something," I said. "That's actually why I came."

  She smiled. Nadie brought us herb-tea. It tasted just like the one Aponi, their grandmother had made for me many years ago before she left this world.

  "And what might that be?" Wyanet asked.

  "My wife is sick. She has AIDS."

  Wyanet put down the cup without drinking from it. "I am so so sorry to hear that," she said sincerely.

  "The thing is I had my blood examined recently and discovered something that puts me in a difficult spot."

  "You saw that your blood is different than others. Because you are different now, no longer an ordinary human?"

  I sighed. "Yes. But not only that. I also discovered that I can't get sick. Neither cancer nor any other disease can infect me because of the new blood cells."

  Wyanet nodded. "Yes. That's why we don't age, that's why we don't die from diseases. I think I see where this is going," she said. "And noble as it is, you can't do it. You can't save your wife by giving her your blood."

  "But why not? I got it through a bite."

  "It won't work. The new blood will cause her blood to clot and she will die."

  "But that didn't happen to me."

  "I know. But you're special. Or maybe it was because you received such a small dose that your blood didn't clot. I don't know. But I do know that my people have tried this, experimented with it for generations, trying to figure out how we could marry outside of the tribe and still pass on the fountain. But no has ever succeeded until you came along. And I don't think anyone else will. That's what makes you so special. How did it go with that friend of yours who was bitten? The one who lost his leg afterwards?"

  "Jim? He is fine. He has had a couple of strokes caused by a blood clot, but he survived those and is fine now."

  "For now, he is. But he will have more," she said. "As long as he is young and strong he can take it but once he gets a little older and weaker it will kill him. Strokes kill people. I am sorry to be so brutal, but that is reality for him. He won't survive it."

  I sighed. I felt bad for Jim. "But there might be a chance ..."

  "You have to think of the consequences as well," she interrupted me. "It would mean revealing the secret of the fountain. People cannot cope with such a discovery. Not this world. They will use it for wrong purposes."

  "But ... she could keep it a secret. If she survives."

  Wyanet nodded. "She might be able to. But what about her family? Her parents, her neighbors, her doctors? They all know she is sick. If she is miraculously cured then they'll want to know how it happened, don't you think?"

  "But it is her life we're talking about. She’s my son's mother; my son's life will be destroyed by the loss of his mother."

  Wyanet picked up her cup and drank. The soulful music played non-stop from the porch. Wyanet was quiet for a while, searching her soul for the answer.

  "You make an excellent point. I understand what you are saying," she said finally. "You are speaking out of love and
I will not get in the way of that. I will leave it up to your own conscience. You will have to make the decision. I know you'll make the right one."

  I sighed, relieved. The last thing I wanted to do was to upset Wyanet and her family by going behind their back. I was pleased with my decision to seek their advice first. I drank silently from my cup while listening to the wonderful music.

  "Let's join them," Wyanet said and took my hand to pull me up from the couch. Then she ran upstairs and came down with her cello and a guitar. She handed me the guitar.

  "I haven't played in years," I said reluctantly.

  But Wyanet wouldn't hear of it. She dragged me outside and placed me in an old chair. Then she sat down next to me and started playing her low notes on the cello. It sounded slightly sad. Then she speeded up and with the saxophone and trumpet next to her they created magnificent music. I was dazzled. I hadn't heard music like this since ... well since the last time I had set my foot in this enchanted house where time seemed to stand still.

  The black woman in the colorful dress started singing with Wyanet accompanying her on the cello. I studied how she slowly became one with her instrument, letting the bow dance over the strings with her eyes closed, her body swaying from side to side. I knew how she was feeling. I remembered letting music take me to places inside of me. Places I could never go otherwise, places that could heal a broken soul.

  Wyanet opened her eyes and looked at me for a second. Then she smiled and urged me to start playing. So I did. I held the guitar between my hands and hesitantly I put my fingers on the strings. Then I fell in. I jumped right into the music that the others were playing and just let it take me along for a ride. My fingers danced across the strings and my emotions ran wild. I let the music carry me away from everything and for the first time in a long while I felt a pinch of happiness. This was where I belonged. I had known it all along, yet chosen to ignore it.