Broken

  I climbed an enormous tree by first leaping to a branch high up and then dug my claws into the bark and pulled myself up to the top. It took a tremendous amount of strength but I had just that and even more. As I reached the top I jumped from one branch to another along the trail and managed to cling on to them with my claws before I leaped towards the next. It was the closest I had ever come to flying. It felt amazing, thrilling. Especially for someone like me who had an innate fear of heights. But that was all gone now. All fear had been replaced. With this new body, for this new creature that I had become everything was possible. There was nothing holding me back. No fears, no anxiety, nothing but solitude under the light of the moon.

  Deeper into the swamps I went and soon I felt the moist ground under my feet when I leaped towards the river from a branch high up. Like the cat I was, I landed on all fours. I walked into the water until my body was nearly submerged. I enjoyed the feeling of water in my fur. It was like a tickling sensation. I enjoyed the coolness and laughed at the thought that I owned these swamps now. I used to walk on these trails constantly looking over my shoulder fearful that something would jump me or attack me and pull me under the water again. I didn't have to be afraid anymore. I was the strongest and fastest animal in there right now. I gently caressed the four long fangs with my tongue. My research on jaguars told me that with those fangs and the strength of my jaws I was actually capable of killing even big animals with one bite directly through the skull. I could crush bones with them.

  A bird rustled in a branch above me. It was an osprey. It was following my every move. Next I spotted a deer between the trunks. Its frightened shining eyes reflected the moonlight and drew my attention. I crouched in the water and moved silently closer getting ready to my sudden ambush as the deer stretched its neck out and drank. I felt an unbelievable hunger and lust for the kill. With incredible strength I leaped out of the water and grabbed onto the deer whose eyes were at once overwhelmed with fear. I caught the creature and held it down with my claws before I sunk my teeth instinctively between the ears, piercing its skull. The deer didn't make a sound, hardly even moved. It just died between my paws and stopped breathing. It was the easiest thing in the world. But also the most brutal thing I had ever done.

  Next thing I was eating the raw meat from my prey. I sunk my teeth into its back and tore big pieces from the body, devouring it in quick bites. I even heard the bones crunch as I chewed this once so elegant animal with the light brown fur. I feasted on my first kill. The legs, the stomach, even the entrails. It tasted like heaven. Like something I had craved for a long long time. I was slurping the blood drinking it and sinking my teeth into the raw meat again and again growling and snarling as I did.

  When I had enough I left the remains on the shore for other animals to feast on. Soon the birds arrived and started picking the carcass. I turned away and went back into the water with bloody claws and bloody mouth. I dove in and started walking up the river while still licking my teeth for the intoxicating taste of the blood. I was almost euphoric, as if the hunt and the blood was a drug to me. A drug I needed to survive.

  I didn't have to look long for her. I picked up her scent not far from her usual hunting area where I had seen her so often ten years ago. I climbed a tree and as soon as I spotted her I crouched on a branch my tail swinging beneath it like it was happy to see her as well. I stayed there for a long time while studying her every move. She had made a kill too and was eating it with feisty sounds. I enjoyed that immensely. She was such a beautiful sight. Her tawny fur had perfectly sculptured black rosettes on her back and on top of her head. Her teeth were smothered in blood. I knew I had to wait for her to finish her feast before I presented myself because she would instinctively try and protect her prey before anything, before she realized who I was.

  Would she know it was me? Was there a way she could tell? What if she jumped me and tried to kill me? After all she had a lot more experience in being a wild beast than I had. Maybe she would only see me as a threat? Back in the day, she had told me that she reacted very instinctively, that she wasn't in control of what she did most of the time. Had that changed? Would she still only remember fractions of what happened during the transformation? Would she remember meeting me like this when she woke up in the morning?

  Aiyana took the last bite of the meat and then licked her teeth clean. With a growl she turned away from her prey and walked slowly towards the trees. I made a quick decision and jumped from the branch. I landed right in front of her with a huge roar that echoed on the trunks.

  She stood completely still, staring directly at me with her yellow eyes glowing in the darkness of the night. At first she seemed frightened ready to protect herself and her prey. Her eyes were locked on me, fixated, waiting for me to make my first move. Then she let out a loud roar to warn me, to let me know that this was her territory. The echo of the roar continued for several seconds causing animals to flee and birds to fly from the treetops.

  I growled and started walking towards her. She crouched, ready to pounce while showing her teeth with a snarl. She was trying to scare me away. I walked to the side and back lowering my neck to seem smaller and less threatening. After all I was much bigger than her. Then our eyes locked once again and something happened. She tilted her head slightly then she came closer like she was studying me. I felt my fur shiver as she came towards me snarling and growling with her mouth wide open showing off her fangs. Was she going to attack me? Or had she realized who I was?

  I heard my own heavy breathing as she approached. Then she stopped. She sat on her hind legs and stared at me with her mouth wide open. I did the same. I sat and stared at her trying to find the Aiyana I knew behind those glowing eyes. Then she lashed out at me with her soft paw and touched my head like she wanted to play. Her claws were withdrawn; she didn't feel threatened by me any longer. I got on my legs and walked closer. I put my head close to hers. She sniffed me then nipped gently on my ears. I returned by trying to grab her neck with my teeth. I swung my paws at her and tried to hold them around her neck. I tumbled on my back. She lashed out once again and her soft paw hit my head and pushed it to make it turn. Then she sat on her hind legs again. I did the same. She stared at me for a long time then slowly started circling me. I followed her with my eyes and turned instinctively as she came behind my back. Then she threw me one more glance before she took off running. I caught up with her and lashed out after her back causing her to fall. She rolled on her back revealing her white chest inviting me closer with her mouth slightly open biting after me still lashing out gently with her paws. Her ears were lowered and her tail was sweeping across the ground. She was snarling and still lashing out playfully at me. Then she was back on her legs again walking like a model on the catwalk one foot straight in front of the other. I took in a deep breath. Even as an animal she was a stunning sight. So elegant, so majestic and royal in her movements. She walked and then stopped like she was waiting for me. I caught up with her again. She lashed out her paw and bit out after me again. Then she rolled on her back. I came closer and put my paws around her. Then I licked her on the neck and in her face. She closed her eyes like she was enjoying it.

  Chapter 11

  It was hard for me to leave Aiyana after a night like that, but as the sun started to rise over the swamps we both had to go back. I was thrilled as I ran towards my house on all four paws. I was almost dancing. This had been the night of my life. This change had turned out to be the best thing that had ever happened to me, except for William of course. This was exciting. This was exhilarating, fascinating, mesmerizing. It was a lot of things and I had no words that were sufficient to describe it. It was simply amazing. Once again I had crossed all laws of physics, once again I had to abandon science and believe in the supernatural. I, Christian Langaa, the prestigious eye surgeon from St. Augustine, had in fact spent the night running through the Twelve Mile Swamps in the shape of a jaguar. My human body had transformed itself into a vicious animal. And on to
p of it all; I had finally found a way to see Aiyana and spend time with her where no one would see us.

  This was truly something. It was like the night had a life of its own and now I knew about it. Now I was a part of it. At night I was the king of the swamps. At night I was the black jaguar whom all animals feared, except for Aiyana. She was the same as I was. It was the final confirmation of my suspicion that I had the Fountain of Youth inside of my veins like she did. It had to mean that she actually had transferred some of the fountain to me when she bit me. I guess I had somehow known all along but I hadn't expected to actually become what she was. I knew she had given me powers. Powers to predict certain future events and sometimes hear people's thoughts. But this? This ... this transformation of my entire body. This was truly extraordinary. Even for people who carried the fountain from birth, even for the descendants of the Timucua Indians like Aiyana's family it was rare that anyone received the ability to actually transform into a jaguar.

  I managed to sneak back into the yard before I felt the transformation slowly wear off. First, my fingers came back, then the feet, arms and legs. The fur withdrew back into the skin and so did the ears and claws. Even the tail found a way to go back where it had come from. It only hurt for a few seconds. Then it was all gone and left me with a sadness, an emptiness. I didn't want it to stop. I enjoyed being the black jaguar. I enjoyed it a lot more than being the boring Dr. Langaa.

  I looked at the sky. It was cloudless blue and the sun was making the day bright. I stared at my reflection in the windows of the house. It was all gone. The black jaguar was gone, as if had all been nothing but a dream. But it was not. Amazing as it was this had actually happened to me. It had been as real as I was standing there in my yard naked staring at my own reflection. At my own pinkish human body that all of a sudden seemed so incredibly dull and weak. So inane and bland.

  I covered my sex with my hands as I heard voices coming from a neighbor's front door. People were awake now, getting out of their houses to get the newspaper or get into their cars to go off to their jobs. I couldn't be seen like this. I ran inside and into the bathroom where the transformation had happened initially. I pulled on my underwear and grabbed the rest of my clothes before I walked upstairs trying to leap two steps at the time. How completely ordinary it suddenly seemed to walk on two legs. How dull and completely powerless. Just a few moments earlier I had been running with such strength, such ability, on my four muscular jaguar-legs, and now I had to walk like this? Like a physically inferior being.

  A peek through William’s door showed he was still sound asleep. Heather on the other hand was up. She was even out of bed. I stopped at the door that was slightly open and stared at her. I felt a pinch of guilt in my heart. She seemed to be searching for something. I pushed the door open. She turned and looked at me. Surprised. Like I had caught her in the middle of something.

  "Feeling better?" I asked.

  She nodded. "Yeah. I woke up this morning feeling all better. I guess it helped seeing Dr. Harris after all." She stared at the clothes in my hands.

  "I slept in the guest-bedroom down stairs to give you the rest. I was afraid I’d keep you awake with my constant tossing and turning all night." I said while avoiding her eyes. "You know how bad I’ve been sleeping lately."

  She nodded like she didn't quite believe me, but didn't care enough to fight about it or even question it. I walked to the bathroom and threw my clothes in the hamper. As I accidentally stuck my hand in it I hit something hard. I pulled it out and looked at Heather. "Is this what you are searching for?" I asked and held up the bottle of gin that was half empty. "Can't you even remember where you hide the stuff anymore?"

  She stared at me then walked towards me. She grabbed the bottle out of my hand.

  I sighed. "It's seven o'clock in the morning, Heather. You've been sick for days. Why do you want to drink alcohol now? Why were you hiding it in the hamper? Who were you hiding it from? Me?"

  She opened the bottle and put it to her lips. Then she drank like it was water in the bottle or a soda. When she was done she sighed and sat on the bed. "I just need it, okay? I need it to get me through the day," she said and drank once again.

  I breathed deeply and sat next to her on the bed. "Don't you think it is about time we got you some help?" I asked. I knew the answer perfectly well. I had asked this many times but she had always refused getting professional help. She had this under control, she said. But I knew she didn't. It had gotten a lot worse lately.

  "I'm fine," she said. "I just need a little to get me going. Then I'll be the wife you want me to be. Then I'll be your trophy."

  "I didn't marry you for you to be my trophy," I said bitterly.

  She drank and looked at me when she was done. "No, why did you marry me Chris? Tell me why you did it. It wasn't out of love, that's certain. Was it for my name? For the prestige? Tell me Chris. Let's get it out in the open."

  I sighed and stood up. "I'm not going there with you again. I don't have the time or the energy for it. I have to shower before I go to work."

  "Fine. Leave me like you always do." She was getting tipsy now and her voice was shaking. I heard the slosh of the bottle again when she drank some more.

  I turned and looked at her with disgust. "For heaven's sake, Heather. At least wait until William is off to school."

  She drank again. "I'll have Sarah take him. He will never know."

  I grabbed the bottle out of her hand in fury. Then I threw it against the wall. It shattered all over the floor. "No, he will never know. Do you know why?"

  "Do tell me dearest. Why is that?" She rolled her eyes at me.

  "Because he hardly knows his own mother. Because he never spends any time with you at all. He is growing up thinking Sarah is closer to being a mother than you are. It's sad, Heather. It's really sad. And I am sick and tired of making excuses for you. Telling him 'Mother is not feeling well, Mother can't come to your graduation or your soccer-game because she is passed out.' How do you think he feels?"

  I stared into her empty blurry eyes. How I detested her when she was drunk, when she was constantly sedated like this. This wasn't the Heather that I knew. This wasn't the woman I had married. How had she become this ... this ... this sad excuse of a woman. This addict. I kept asking myself these same questions. Why had she chosen this life for herself? Why couldn't I get her to stop it? Why did she insist on continuing this abuse, this addiction? Why? Why couldn't she choose her family? Choose to be a mother?

  In the beginning I had thought it was just a phase, something she was going through. It had started right after the birth of William. Post-partum depression I thought it was. And one excuse soon followed another. She was having a hard time adjusting to being a mother, she was fighting with her mother over something, she had been under pressure from being alone this much, I had abandoned her. I didn't love her enough or show her enough affection. The excuses were many, but there were never any solutions. No improvement. She wasn't even trying. Then I started telling lies on her behalf when she didn't show up to family dinners at her parent's house or at dinner with friends. She wasn't feeling well, probably a stomach-flu 'there is a lot of that going around lately.' Lies like that. Then she started acting out at home when she was drunk. Yelling and screaming at me. At one point she even attacked me and tried to strangle me with her hands. I fought her off but it left a mark that I had to say came from playing too wildly with William. Not sure anyone bought that one. I even made excuses for her behavior to myself. 'It will soon be better. Maybe if I was a better husband towards her. Maybe if I showed my appreciation more.' So I bought her gifts, expensive things, like a new car and jewelry. She liked it and it kept her happy for a few hours but it wasn't enough for her to stop drinking and taking her pills that the doctor just prescribed like they were candy. Some for her nerves, others to calm her down. Sleeping pills, sedative pills, she was a goddamn walking pharmacy.

  "I don't know how that feels, Chris," she said. "And frankl
y I don't care. I can't be your shrink right now. I can't take care of your problems."

  "No, you can't take care of anyone, not even yourself. Why do you insist on ruining yourself like this? Why are you trying to destroy our family?"

  "What family?" she asked.

  "Our family. Us. You and me and William. We are right here. Pleading with you to stop this. Asking you to be a wife and a mother. Asking you to love us." My voice was trembling as I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I had never raised my voice at Heather like that. Never. I was way too afraid of conflicts to ever show even anger.

  "You want to talk about love, do you? How about me, Chris? How about you begin with loving me?"

  "I do love you Heather and you know it. You are my wife. You are the mother of my child. But that isn't enough for you is it? Us. We are not enough for you. What is it you want, Heather? I’ll give it to you. You know that. If only you'd come back to me, if only you'd return to who you used to be."

  Heather was crying now shaking her head. "I don't know if I can do that Chris. It's not as easy as you think."

  "Why? Why is it harder than I think? Explain it to me. Let me help you."

  "It's not something you can just fix. I am not something for you to fix like you fix your patients. You can't pay your way out of this, Chris."

  "But maybe we could fight this together. As a couple, as husband and wife, as family." I said hearing my voice getting more desperate by the minute. I wanted her to understand how important this was to me. I wanted her to be the mother I knew she could be. I didn't want William to grow up without a mother. Not like I had.

  "I am afraid this will end up killing you," I continued. "Your body won't be able to keep this up. Your heart will fail. Mixing medicine with alcohol is a really bad combination. It will destroy your body slowly from the inside out. Your organs simply can't sustain it. Look at how sick you have just been. Your body is slowly giving up. You can't keep doing this."