Numb (King's Harlots MC Book 5)

  I had no idea why Dale was being a gentleman. No. Not a gentleman. He outright ignored me.

  Stabbing the paintbrush into the glob of purple paint, I slammed it against the canvas. The rough impact caused a little more paint to touch the canvas than I would have liked but it was an easy fix. Too bad my life didn’t work the same way.

  “Stupid men. Stupid, stupid men,” I grumbled, hitting the canvas with the brush after each word.

  “Are you going to call this painting the angry one?” Josee teased from behind me.

  I swore under my breath, repeated my movements and continued stabbing the canvas.

  She laughed. “Someone’s sexually frustrated.”

  “You have no fucking idea,” I muttered, my cheeks heating at my confession. It annoyed me how shy I was. I had only become sexually experienced because of Dale but talking about it was still embarrassing.

  “Yeah.” Josee pulled a stool up beside me. “I do.”

  I paused, glancing at her. “Really?”

  She shrugged. “I’m not searching for it or anything but my hands can only do so much.”

  I laughed. “They’re not cutting it anymore?”

  “God no.” She waved a hand in front of her face. “I don’t want a relationship. But I wouldn’t mind being used for a night.”

  “By Lian and Henley?” I waggled my eyebrows.

  She threw her head back, a full belly laugh leaving her mouth. “I would cut off my left arm for that.”

  I couldn’t handle one guy, let alone two. I also didn’t think Dale could share. Not like he and I were together or anything. My heart picked up speed. I shouldn’t worry about what he thought. He clearly didn’t worry about my feelings in the beginning. My chest tightened to the point a vice-like grip squeezed my lungs. Deep breaths, Max. Deep breaths.

  “Max.” Josee touched my arm, her brows furrowing in the center. “Talk to me.”

  Talk. Everyone wanted to talk. Well, I just wanted sex. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to say a damn thing. I wanted Dale to stop this hesitation of his and just fuck me already. “I’m fine,” I whispered, breathing through the impending panic attack.

  “What’s going on?” she asked, giving my hand a gentle squeeze.

  “Dale’s been weird this week.”

  “Weird? Isn’t he always?”

  “No.” I shook my head. “I mean, he hasn’t paid any attention to me for the past week. He won’t talk to me. As hard as it is for me to talk to him, I was getting used to our fights.” I shrugged. “I know it doesn’t make sense but it’s the only time I feel connected to him. Which that doesn’t make sense either since I’m …”

  “What?”

  “I’m supposed to hate him.”

  “Oh, Max.” Her lips pressed into a thin line. “Listen, I’m not the person to be giving relationship advice and I know you’re hurting. But have you thought that maybe he wants something more?”

  “After all of this time?” I paused. “Why would you think that?”

  “I don’t know but sometimes it can take a tragic accident for someone to realize the mistakes they made.”

  I thought a moment. “He hurt me.”

  “I know, honey.” She smiled softly. “I really do. I’m sure you’ve been told this a thousand times already” —she rolled her eyes— “but be patient.”

  I bit back a scoff. If she only knew how patient I had really been. “I don’t want to be patient anymore.”

  “I know.” She patted my hand. “I should go and let you get back to abusing that canvas.” She winked.

  I smiled, zoning in on the painting before me.

  She rose from the stool, gave my shoulder a light squeeze, and left the room but not before I heard her clear her throat. “Hey, Dale.”

  My heart jumped.

  “You know who I am?”

  “Oh, yes,” she mumbled something more to him that I couldn’t hear.

  He laughed. “Well, it’s nice to meet you too,” came his smooth reply.

  I smiled to myself, knowing she had threatened him in some way. I had made a promise with myself the next time I saw him, I would demand answers. Even though I had never given him them in return, I would command he give me something more.

  Jo said her goodbyes as Dale walked into the room.

  “Can we talk?” he asked, hovering near the door.

  And the thought of demanding answers from him went out the window as I stared at him. I sighed, turning back around on the stool and continued painting. “Sure.” I no longer had the strength to fight. If he didn’t want anything to do with having a relationship with me, I wouldn’t push him. I couldn’t. For my own sanity.

  “You’re working on something new?” Dale asked, sitting on the stool beside me.

  “Yeah,” I answered, stroking the brush down the canvas. “I’ve been inspired.” My cheeks heated remembering exactly how that inspiration came to be. “I have a showing coming up in a few months. Some famous artists are going to be there and Josee wants the best from me.”

  “I’ll be there,” he answered automatically.

  I glanced at him. “Really?”

  “Yes, kitten. Anything I can do to support you, I will.” He smiled.

  Who was this guy? Dale had always been sweet but something had changed since his coma.

  “Why are you acting this way?” I asked, realizing as soon as the question left my mouth that it was probably more confusing then I intended.

  His eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

  I shook my head, a shaky laugh escaping my lips. “Why have you ignored me for the past week?”

  He searched my face, the muscle behind his jaw twitching. “I would never ignore you.”

  I scoffed. “Could have fooled me, Dale. You haven’t talked to me. You acknowledge me in passing but nothing more.”

  “I’m trying to be patient,” he confessed.

  “Patient?” It was my turn to be confused. “What do you mean?”

  “You know what I mean, Max. I won’t push you.” His gaze fell to my mouth. “But I can only hold back for so long before …”

  “Before what?” I asked, heat crawling up my back.

  His eyes met mine. “Before I fuck you.”

  My breath hitched at the idea of having his powerful waist between my legs again. To feel him full and throbbing deep inside of me was something I had been yearning for since he woke up. “You can’t hurt me again,” I whispered.

  “I won’t hurt you.”

  “No, I’m saying you can’t hurt me again because I won’t let you.”

  “Max.” He reached for my hand.

  I couldn’t. I didn’t need him to touch me only for him to destroy me in the process. I rose to my feet. “I can’t.”

  “Baby,” he pleaded, linking his fingers in mine. “I’m … I’m sorry.”

  My breath caught in my throat. I stared down at him. It felt wrong but right at the same time. At this point, the power of control was being placed in my hands.

  Dale brushed his fingers over my palm. He kissed my knuckles, letting his lips linger.

  “Dale,” I whispered, watching him.

  His mouth moved to my wrist. His lips parted as he gave the soft skin there a gentle nip.

  A surge of heat rushed through me. I couldn’t do this but I wanted to. The argument in my head was settled.

  I needed him.

  Pulling my hand from his, I stepped between his legs and brushed my fingers down his cheek.

  He only stared up at me, his gaze warming beneath my touch.

  I realized then that he wasn’t the man I had fallen in love with in the beginning. No. This man was shattered, broken by the mere gunshot that had almost taken his life.

  I pushed my fingers through his dark blond hair, grazing them over the wound at the side of his head. He had been lucky. So damn lucky he came out alive with only a couple memories gone. Those could be replaced but he couldn’t.

  “I know I
can’t make up for what I’ve done,” he finally said, breaking the intensity of the silence surrounding us. “I only wish I could remember so I can right the wrongs I’ve caused you. I will never forgive myself. I need you. Not to forgive me. I can wait for that for whenever you are ready.” He cupped the backs of my bare legs, his thumbs brushing back and forth. His touch was soothing. His caress contradicted what was going on in him. His body was stiff, ridged, while his hands were soft. He was holding back.

  “I need to hate you, but I can’t.” My fingers grazed down the length of his jaw. “I want to hate you. I’ve tried.” My throat closed up, words lost on the tip of my tongue.

  His eyes fluttered closed, his breath coming out in a whoosh. “I know. I don’t expect anything less from you.”

  “Why?” I pulled from his grip when it only tightened around me. “You didn’t want anything to do with me after I told you how I felt and that I was pregnant. Did the accident make you change your mind? Are you feeling guilty?”

  “Of course I’m feeling fucking guilty, kitten.” His body tensed. “I’m trying to remember. The doctor said I might never remember or that I can hit my head and everything will come rushing back. Who the fuck knows? But what I do know is even if you and I never end up together, I need to make up for what I’ve done.”

  My eyes burned at the desperation in his voice, the pleading behind his words that I would listen. But, how could I? My grandmother raised me to forgive but there was no way I could forget what he had done to me …

  And our baby.

  IF IT MEANT seeing Max smile again, I would cut off my arm and beat myself with it. I would let her hit me, claw at my skin, rip out my fucking soul just to hear her laugh.

  I tried telling her how I felt, but when she stared at me with hesitation in her eyes and worry on her lips, I looked away. She didn’t believe me. Hell, I couldn’t blame her but it still hurt. It hurt worse than the bullet that almost killed me. It was a never-ending ache in my chest that traveled down to the pits of my soul. It was a constant reminder of how much I fucked up.

  “You can’t expect me to fall in love with you again just because you said you’re sorry.” Her voice was soft but filled with so much strength, it took my breath away. How this woman could think she was broken beyond repair was beyond me.

  “I would never expect that of you.” I wrapped my arms tighter around her waist, careful not to touch her beautiful ass for fear I would lose all control. “I’m only telling you how I feel,” I confessed, leaning my head against her stomach. I inhaled, letting the scent of roses wash over me. I pulled her tighter, wishing with everything I was worth that I could dive inside her and stay there.

  Brushing my nose back and forth, a soft purr escaped me.

  “What if you get your memory back and you no longer feel this way, Dale?” she asked, running her fingers through the hair at my nape.

  “I …” Was that even possible? “All you can do is trust that I will still feel the same way as I do now.”

  “Trust you,” she echoed. “You’re asking me to trust you.” She pushed my shoulders. “Let me go.”

  “Never.” My head snapped up. “No matter how hard you fight, I’m not going anywhere. I will prove it to you.”

  She struggled against me. “Dale,” she said on a sob. “I can’t do this.”

  “You can.” I brushed my nose along the cotton of her dress sitting against her abdomen and inhaled. The sweet scent of her washed over me. My body stirred, the darkness inside of me almost rearing its ugly head. My body wanted to fuck her while my mind wanted to talk.

  “Dale, stop.” She pushed harder, forcing me back. “We can’t.”

  “We will.”

  She glared down at me.

  The look was so dark and damaged; she couldn’t hold my gaze because I had to look away. The pain and heartache I had caused her was there. It was so close, I could feel it.

  “I think you should go,” she finally said even though she was still in my arms.

  “No.” Coby told me not to push her but I couldn’t stop myself.

  “No?” She stopped struggling then. “After all you have done, you’re sitting here and telling me no?”

  “Damn straight.” I had to force myself not to stand and get in her face. As much as I wanted to demand her reaction, I also didn’t want to scare her away.

  “What do you want from me?” she whispered.

  I want to make you fall in love with me again. “Whatever you can give me.”

  “I don’t know if there’s anything left to give.” She looked away, a lonely tear rolling down her cheek.

  As soon as she broke eye contact, I rose to my feet and cupped her nape. Forcing her to look into my eyes, the next words leaving my mouth were the most honest thing I had ever said, “I’ll take all of your pain … all of the heartache I have caused you. I’ll even take your hate. Just don’t stop looking at me.”

  ***

  (Max)

  He hurt you.

  You love him.

  You lost the baby.

  He lost the baby too.

  I was confused over my feelings for Dale. On one hand, I wanted to forgive him but on the other, I wanted to unleash them all and show him how I really felt.

  “You hurt me,” I told him.

  “I know.” He looked away.

  “No.” I pushed him. “Look me in the eyes, Dale. It’s what you demand of me. I expect you to do the same.”

  He met my gaze then.

  “You really hurt me. The doctors said many factors played into our baby dying but stress was a main one. I blame you.” I shoved him. “I blame you for everything.”

  “I know,” he repeated, swallowing hard.

  I pushed him again. “I don’t think you do.”

  His brows narrowed in the middle, his gaze turning to a darkness I had never seen before in him. But it didn’t stop me. I couldn’t control my actions any longer.

  “You ripped out my soul,” my voice cracked. “I loved you. I don’t know why. You were an asshole but you still made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I know you didn’t want a relationship but I couldn’t help falling for you. You did that, Dale. You made me fall for you.”

  “You are.”

  My breath hitched. “I am what?”

  “The most beautiful woman in the world.”

  “Shut up,” I screamed, beating my fists against his chest. “Shut. Up. You don’t get to tell me nice things while I break. You can’t do that.”

  “I can and I will.” But he didn’t touch me. “You’re beautiful. You’re strong. You’re the strongest fucking person I know.”

  “Stop,” I yelled, slamming my fists against him.

  “The only thing I want is you.”

  “No,” I cried harder. “You don’t mean that. You never meant that.”

  “I was stupid. I didn’t know what I wanted but now I do.”

  “I can’t do this with you.” I gripped his hoodie, breathing in the scent of him. “I can’t handle it.”

  Dale wrapped his arms around me, brushing his nose into the crook of my neck. He pulled me close, enveloping me in him. All I felt was Dale and it only made me cry even harder.

  I struggled, fighting to break free. “Please stop.”

  “Sorry, kitten. It doesn’t work that way.” Fisting my hair, he tugged my head back before crashing his mouth to mine.

  I gasped, sighing into his mouth. This was what I wanted. It was what I needed before but now, I was desperate for him.

  Not giving me a chance to breathe, he thrust his tongue between my lips, tightening his hold on my hair.

  I moaned, taking all of him in. This was what I was waiting for. Not the sweet man who ignored me. But the dominant one who controlled me with just a kiss. He had been holding back before but now, he pushed me against the wall and ground his lower body into mine. He reminded me that this was where I belonged and where I intended to stay.

  Breaking
apart the kiss, he stared down at me. “If I only kiss you and nothing more, I will still be the happiest man in the world.”

  Leaning my head against his chest, I took a deep breath and another. I wanted more. But the raging feelings sitting on my chest reminded me of the pain he caused me.

  “I can’t do this,” I whispered. “I can’t be in the same room as you without wanting your hands on me.”

  “I know,” he said, his deep voice vibrating through his chest. “I’ve wanted you since I woke up.”

  “You had me, and you pushed me away.” My hands moved of their own accord and pushed under the fabric of his hoodie. They grazed over his abs before reaching his chest. With my palm open, it splayed over his heart. The hard beating of the muscle pumped through my hand. “You broke me.”

  “I know I did, baby.” He cupped my nape, running his fingers through my hair. “But I am here to fix what I fucked up.”

  I titled my head back, looking up at him. “Then kiss me.”

  MAX COULD TELL me to cut off my balls and I would. When she demanded for me to kiss her, I did. But I took it slow. Deep. Utterly consuming.

  Brushing my lips along hers, I inhaled her sweet breath. Forcing her mouth apart with my tongue, I licked and stroked before diving into her sweet warmth.

  A soft whimper escaped her throat. Her hands inched around my neck, pulling me closer.

  I groaned, pushing my waist into hers, and pinned her against the wall.

  “Dale,” she whispered against my lips.

  Releasing her mouth, I trailed kisses down the length of her jaw, licking and biting a path in its wake.

  Max scratched her nails into my hair and tugged my head back before crushing her mouth to mine.

  Pushing her harder against the wall, I grazed a hand under her dress up to her ass.

  She tensed, breaking apart the kiss. “Dale,” she pushed me. “I can’t do this. You need to leave.”

  “Max.” I palmed the erection sporting in my pants, trying to ease the painful hard-on.

  “No,” she screamed, spinning on me. “Leave. Get the fuck out of here. Now.”

  Clenching my jaw, I leaned down to her ear. “As much as you deny it, you know you want me. And that pisses you off. Next time, I won’t take no for an answer.”