An Engagement in Seattle

  He spoke to her, and she smiled softly when she realized it was in Russian. He seemed to forget she didn’t understand him. It didn’t matter. She knew what he was saying from his tone—that he was there, that he loved her.

  For the first time, the thought didn’t terrify her.

  Sometime later, Julia dressed, although she had trouble holding back the tears. She finished before Alek did and wandered into the kitchen, intent on starting a pot of coffee. She stopped short when she caught sight of a woman working in her kitchen.

  “Good morning,” the woman said, struggling with the language. “I am Anna, Alek’s sister.”

  Seven

  “Hello, Anna.” Julia had forgotten Alek’s sister was coming that morning. “Welcome to America.”

  “Thank you.” Alek’s sister was small and thin with brown hair woven into a braid. Her eyes were so like Alek’s, it was as if Julia were staring into her husband’s own dark gaze. Her smile was warm and friendly and despite this awkward beginning, Julia liked her immediately.

  “My English is poor, but I’m studying every day.”

  “I’m sure you’ll do just fine,” Julia said, wondering why Anna was staring at her.

  “I will cook your breakfast.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Eggs and toast?”

  “Yes, please,” Julia answered and hurried into the bathroom. By the time she entered the kitchen, she understood Anna’s concern. There’d been tears in her eyes, and Alek’s sister must have assumed they’d been arguing. Julia hoped to find a way to reassure her that wasn’t the case.

  Her breakfast was on the table. Generally she ate on the run, usually picking up a container of orange juice and a muffin at the local convenience store on her drive to the office. When Alek had suggested they hire his sister as a housekeeper and cook, Julia had readily agreed. It was a way of helping his family. A way of repaying her debt to him. A way of eating regular meals herself.

  It wasn’t until she sampled the fluffiest, most delicious scrambled eggs she’d ever tasted that Julia realized Anna was the one doing her and Alek the favor.

  She was reading over the morning paper when Alek appeared in the kitchen, smartly dressed. He poured himself a cup of coffee while his sister spoke enthusiastically in Russian.

  “English,” Julia heard him say. “You must speak English.”

  “This country is so beautiful.”

  “Yes,” Alek agreed, pulling out the chair across from Julia and sitting down. She ignored him, concentrating on the paper.

  “Did you phone the hospital?” Alek asked.

  “Yes…there’s been no change. I’m going into the office this morning.”

  “You’ll let me know if you hear anything?”

  “Of course.”

  His eyes met hers and he smiled. Julia found herself responding, treasuring this understanding between them, this sense of trust they’d stumbled upon. But it frightened her. When Alek recognized her reserve, he sighed and mumbled something she didn’t catch.

  Anna responded to him in Russian. Naturally Julia couldn’t understand the words, but it sounded very much as if her sister-in-law was upset with him. She offered Julia a sympathetic look as she hurried out the door.

  Alek returned his attention to Julia. “She thinks I caused your tears this morning. Suffice it to say, she wasn’t pleased with me.”

  “Did you tell her about Ruth?”

  “No. Not yet.”

  “But—”

  Alek leaned forward to place his finger on her lips. “Don’t worry about my sister. Or me.”

  It was a mistake to go into the office; Julia realized that almost immediately. There were several pressing matters that needed to be taken care of before she could spend any more time at the hospital. Appointments to reschedule, work to delegate. Julia resented every minute away from her grandmother. She found herself impatient to get back to the hospital. Her relationship with Alek concerned her, too.

  Sitting at her desk, Julia supported her face on her hands. She’d been so sure this marriage would never work. Now she wasn’t sure of anything. She needed Alek, and he’d come to her, held her, comforted her. She’d given him plenty of reasons to turn away from her. But when the opportunity came to comfort her, he’d come, willingly, unselfishly.

  Each day, Julia felt herself weakening a little more, giving in to the attraction she felt for Alek. Every day he found some small way of dismantling the protective barrier around her heart. He was slowly, methodically, exposing her to the warming rays of the sun.

  And yet…Julia wanted to shout that she didn’t need a man in her life, didn’t want a husband. Silently she did, forcing his image from her mind—with only limited success.

  It was while she was trying not to think of Alek, to concentrate on the tasks before her, that he casually strolled into her office.

  “I thought we should talk,” he said, dropping into a chair as if he had every right to be there.

  “About what?” She pretended to be absorbed in reading her latest batch of correspondence.

  “Last night.”

  He sounded so flippant, so glib, as if their sleeping in the same bed had all been part of his game plan from the start. She’d conveniently fallen into his scheme without realizing it. His attitude infuriated her.

  “It was a mistake,” she informed him sharply. “One that won’t be repeated.”

  “I suppose it was too much to hope you’d think otherwise,” he said with a beleaguered sigh. “If you don’t want to accept the truth, then I’ll say it for you. It felt good to hold you in my arms, Julia. I’m here if you need me. I’ll always be here for you. If you believe nothing else about me, believe this.”

  Julia felt her chest tighten as he stood and, without waiting for her to comment, walked out of her office. She didn’t understand this man she’d married, and wasn’t sure she ever would. She’d rewarded his kindness by cheating him out of the kind of marriage he’d expected, the marriage she’d agreed to. She’d insulted him and hurt his pride. Not once, but time and again.

  Julia didn’t want to love Alek. Love frightened her more than any other emotion, even pain. She pulled a little more inside herself, blocking Alek from her heart, because it was only then that she felt safe.

  Removing the slim gold band from her finger, she stared at it. She put it back on her finger, wondering if she’d ever understand Alek, then doubted it was possible when she had yet to understand herself.

  She spent nearly two hours clearing her desk and her schedule before she was free to leave for the hospital.

  Her heart grew heavy as she walked down the long corridor that led to her grandmother’s room. She didn’t stop at the nurses’ station, didn’t ask to talk to Ruth’s physician. Instead she went directly to the woman who’d helped her through the most difficult period of her life.

  As Julia silently opened the door and stepped inside, she felt tears burn the backs of her eyes. Her grandmother appeared to be asleep. Ruth’s face was pale, but she seemed more at peace now, as if the pain had passed.

  Tentatively Julia stepped over to her grandmother’s bed and took her hand. She held it to her own cheek and pressed it there. Slowly Julia closed her eyes.

  As soon as she did, it felt as if Ruth were awake, waiting to speak with her.

  “Don’t be sad,” Ruth seemed to be saying. “I don’t want you to grieve for me. I’ve lived a good, long life. You were my joy. God’s special gift to me.”

  “No, please,” Julia pleaded silently. “Don’t leave me, please don’t leave.”

  “Julia, my child. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t cling to the past. Look instead to the future. You have a husband who adores you and children waiting to be born. Your life is just beginning. So much love awaits you, more joy than you can possibly imagine now. Your pain shall reap an abundant harvest of life’s treasures. Trust me in this.”

  “Treasures,” Julia whispered. She couldn’t look past
the present moment to think about the future. Not when her heart was breaking.

  Tears ran unrestrained down her face and she felt her grandmother’s presence reaching out to comfort her, a last farewell before she set out on the journey before her.

  Julia didn’t know how long she stood there, holding on to Ruth’s hand. She realized as she looked up at the monitor registering her grandmother’s heartbeat that it had gone silent. Ruth had quietly slipped from life into death with no fuss, no ceremony, as if she’d been awaiting Julia’s arrival so she could leave peacefully.

  Julia had known it would be impossible to prepare herself emotionally for this moment. Ruth’s death wasn’t a shock; she’d been ill for years. Julia had been aware that each day could be her grandmother’s last. She’d accepted the inevitability of Ruth’s passing as best she could. But nothing could have prepared her for the grief that slammed against her now. Nothing.

  Collapsing into the chair, Julia cried out, the sound a low, anguished wail as she swayed back and forth.

  A nurse came, so did a doctor and several other health professionals. Julia didn’t move. She couldn’t. The sobs racked her shoulders and she hid her face in her hands. And slowly rocked with grief.

  Someone led her from the room. She sat in the private area alone, desolate, inconsolable.

  Jerry and Alek arrived together. Jerry spoke with the hospital officials while Alek wrapped Julia in his arms and held her against him as she wept until she had no more tears.

  She needed him and was past pretending she didn’t. Her own strength was depleted. Clinging to Alek, she buried her face in his chest, seeking what solace she could. When her father died, she’d been numb with guilt and grief. The tears hadn’t come until much later.

  He held her close and she was grateful for his comfort, for his willingness to share her grief.

  They seemed to be at the hospital for hours. There were papers to sign and a hundred different decisions to make. Jerry went with her and Alek to the funeral home, where arrangements were made for Ruth’s burial.

  Julia was surprised by the calm, almost unemotional way she was able to deal with the details of the funeral. The flowers, the music, discussing the program with first the funeral home director and then the family’s minister, Pastor Hall.

  It was dark by the time they’d finished. Jerry, solemn and downcast, walked out to the parking lot with her and Alek.

  “Do you want to come back to the condo with us?” Julia asked, not wanting to leave her brother alone. Unlike her, he’d return to an empty house. Ruth’s death had shaken him badly. He didn’t express his grief as freely as she had.

  Jerry shook his head. “No, thanks.”

  “Anna has dinner ready and waiting,” Alek said.

  “I’ll pick up something on the way home,” he assured them both. “Don’t worry about me.”

  Alek drove through the hilly streets that led to their condominium. “How are you feeling?” he asked, when he opened the front door for her.

  “Drained.” The emotions seemed to be pressing against her chest. She was mentally and physically exhausted; her fatigue was so great she could barely hold up her head.

  Alek guided her into the kitchen. She hadn’t eaten since breakfast, hadn’t thought about food even once. The smells were heavenly, but she had no appetite.

  He brought two plates from the oven and set them on the table.

  “I’m not hungry,” she told him. “I’m going to take a bath.” She half expected him to argue with her, to insist she needed nourishment. Instead he must have realized she knew what was best for herself right now.

  One look in the bathroom mirror confirmed Julia’s worst suspicions. Her eyes were red, puffy, and her cheeks were pale, her makeup long since washed away by her tears. She looked much older than her thirty years. About a hundred years older. She looked and felt as if she’d been hit by a freight train.

  Ruth was gone, and other than Jerry she was alone in the world. She was grateful for Alek’s assistance during this traumatic day, but in time he’d leave and then she’d be alone again.

  Running her bathwater, she added a package of peach-scented salts and stepped into the hot, soothing water. She leaned against the back of the tub and closed her eyes, letting the heat of the bath comfort her.

  Children waiting to be born.

  She didn’t know why that phrase edged its way into her mind. There would be no children because there would be no real marriage. She was more determined than ever not to cross that line, especially now, when she was most vulnerable. She’d hurt Alek enough, abused his gentleness, taken advantage of his kindness.

  He was standing in the hallway outside the bathroom waiting for her when she finished. “I’m fine, Alek,” she said, wanting to reassure him, even if it wasn’t true.

  “You’re exhausted. I turned back the sheets for you.”

  “Thank you.”

  He ushered her into the bedroom as if she were a child. In other circumstances, Julia would have resented the way he’d taken control of her life, but not then. She felt only gratitude.

  She slid beneath the covers, nestled her head against the pillow and closed her eyes. “Alek,” she whispered.

  “Yes, my love?”

  “Would you sing to me again?”

  He complied with a haunting melody in his own language. His voice was clear and strong, and even though she couldn’t understand the words, she found it beautiful and soothing. She wanted to ask him the meaning, but her thoughts drifted in another direction. Toward rest. Toward peace.

  Julia woke with a start. She didn’t know what had jarred her awake. The room was dark, although the hall light offered little illumination. The digital clock on the nightstand informed her it was nearly 1:00 a.m. As her eyes adjusted, she realized Alek was sitting beside her in a chair, his legs stretched out before him and his head cocked at an odd, uncomfortable angle.

  “Alek?” she whispered, propping herself up on one elbow.

  He stirred immediately and straightened. “Julia?”

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I didn’t want you to be alone.”

  “I’m fine,” she said again.

  “Do you want me to sing to you?”

  Hot, burning tears filled her eyes at his tenderness, his concern. She shook her head. What she needed was to be held.

  “Julia, my love,” he whispered, moving from the chair to the edge of the bed. His hand smoothed the hair from her face, his touch as gentle as if she were a child in need of reassurance, which was exactly the way Julia felt.

  “Why do you have to be so wonderful?” she sobbed. “Why are you so good to me?”

  His lips touched her forehead, but he didn’t answer.

  “I’m a rotten wife.”

  He laughed. “You haven’t given yourself a chance yet.”

  “I’ve treated you terribly. You should hate me.”

  “Hate you?” He seemed to find her words amusing. “That would be impossible.”

  “Will you lie down with me? Please?” The words were out before she could censor them. It was a completely selfish request. “I…need you, Alek.” She added this last part for honesty’s sake, to ease her conscience.

  He kissed her, his mouth locating hers unerringly in the near-dark. Although his kiss was light, she knew it was his way of thanking her for admitting the truth.

  He stood and stripped off his pants and shirt. Julia lifted the covers and moved over as far as she could in the narrow bed.

  Despite sleeping in his embrace the night before, she felt strangely shy now. He put his arm around her shoulders and brought her close. He was warm and real and felt so alive that she trembled when she laid her head on his chest. His heart was pounding strong and steady against her ear.

  “Can you sleep now?” he whispered.

  “I…think so. What about you?”

  “Don’t worry about me.”

  That didn’t answer her question, but sh
e didn’t press him. “We kissed last night, didn’t we?”

  He rubbed his chin across her hair. “Yes.” She heard the strain in his voice and felt unusually pleased. She tilted her head back so that she was looking into his warm, dark eyes. Only a few inches separated their mouths.

  “Would you…mind—” she hesitated and moistened her lips “—kissing me again?”

  His breathing stopped abruptly and his eyes narrowed as if he wasn’t sure he should trust her. Julia didn’t blame him.

  Rather than waiting for his permission, she arched toward him until their lips met. Their kiss was sweet and undemanding. She was breathing hard when they finished, but so was he.

  He kissed her again, a little deeper, a little more intensely. Then a lot more intensely.

  Julia sighed as his mouth left hers, their bottom lips clinging momentarily. “Oh, Alek.” She sighed, and a trembling kind of response made its way through her body.

  She said his name again, more softly this time. “I want to make love.”

  She watched him closely and noted the different emotions flashing in his eyes. He wanted her, too; there was no question of that. He wanted her and had from the beginning of their marriage. He’d made certain she knew how much. Yet he hesitated.

  His eyes gradually changed and told her another story. They darkened with doubt, which won over the needy, sensual look she’d seen in him seconds earlier.

  “Julia.” He breathed her name, his tone regretful. “Not now.”

  “Why not?” She knew she sounded defensive and couldn’t help it. He’d demanded she share his bed from the first night of their marriage.

  But when she finally agreed to fulfill her part of their bargain, he rejected her. It made no sense. And it angered her.

  “I’d feel as if I was taking advantage of you.”

  “Shouldn’t I be the judge of that?” she said irritably.

  “Right now, no.”

  Stunned, she jerked her head away. His fingers came to her face, resting on her cheek, directing her gaze back to his.

  “I want you, Julia, don’t ever doubt that. But I refuse to put my own needs before yours. You’re confused and hurting. There’s nothing I’d like more than to—” He stopped. “I’m sure you understand.” She nodded.