Girl in the Shadows

  Suddenly, it was thrust open and Rhona, now dressed, stood there with the chamber pot in her hand.

  "Here you go. sweetie. Try not to fill it up too quickly. I'll bring your regrets to my mother. She'll be so very disappointed.'

  I cried out against the gag. She shook her head and closed the closet door. I felt horrible for myself, but all I could think was poor Mrs. Westington. She was liable to believe them and then she would become so despondent. She was too proud and independent a woman to permit herself to be bamboozled like this. It would break her heart, but there was probably not much she could do under the circumstances. She wouldn't even understand why Trevor wasn't coming around. I hadn't had a chance to tell her about his mother dying. She would feel totally deserted.

  And Echo? What would she think when they told her I was gone? How lost she was going to be in just a little while and there was nothing I could do about it, do about any of it. The ironic thing was that when someone has done such terrible things to you and made you so defenseless and incapable of doing anything to help yourself, you end up hating yourself more than you do them,

  Why hadn't I anticipated this or something like it? Why did I put up with them after last night? Why didn't I just take Echo and run out of here when I had the chance? I let myself get trapped like this. I am stupid and my worse enemy, and because of me, other people will suffer, people who don't deserve it. I was drowning in self-disgust.

  With all my strength. I shouted and pulled against the binding on my hands and feet. My muffled scream died inside me and I collapsed with the effort. I closed my eyes and fell back, looking up at the ceiling of the closet and listening as hard as I could. By now Echo was surely running about looking for me. Would they be leaving her here? Would she see Skeeter drive my car away?

  I thought I heard her calling me and then. I did hear the door of the guest bedroom open. Despite knowing she couldn't hear a sound. I cried as loud as I could. The sock muffled my screams and made them reverberate in my head. I then leaned back and struck the wall of the closet with my feet. I waited, hoping that somehow she would sense my being in here. but I heard nothing. The house became very quiet. I imagined Echo had gone out to look for Trevor. She would see he was gone as well and she would know that for now she was totally alone and had no idea why or for how long.

  Frustration tied my stomach into knots and then my mind ran away with itself. I envisioned the hospital room and Rhona putting on her act, explaining why I had left. She would exaggerate every detail and certainly tread on the verge of being disgusting when she told her what Tyler had told his mother about me. If she aggravated and upset Mrs. Westington as much as I imagined she would, surely her blood pressure would go up and maybe she would even cause her to have a heart attack and die. Hopefully, the doctor and the nurses would prevent Rhona from doing that, but then how would they know what she was intending to do? All they would think was that as her daughter. Rhona had a right to speak to her mother.

  I closed my eyes and, only as a way to avoid frustration and pain, willed myself to sleep. I did drift off, dreaming I was with Uncle Palaver again and we were traveling on some wide highway. The classical music he loved was playing and he was talking to me and telling me one story after another about his experiences on the road. I saw myself laughing and so happy that I was with him.

  Then I thought about my mother and father and Brenda and put myself back in time to when we were all together and I was on the sidelines with my mother watching Brenda and Daddy play basketball in our driveway. Brenda was only about fourteen in the memory I had. She was trying so hard. Daddy would look to us every once in a while, impressed with her. She was so quick and wily, he had trouble keeping up.

  "Ho," he cried, holding his side. "You're killing your old man." Mother was laughing. Daddy put his arm around Brenda's shoulders and shook her lovingly. I longed to have him do that with me and for a while, when no one paid any attention. I went out by myself to the driveway and practiced. but I was never any good. I was too awkward and clumsy and after a while, grew too discouraged to continue. I'd have to find another way to get my father to embrace me with such affection and admiration. Would I? Would I ever?

  Not being able to see my watch or look outside. I had no idea how much time had passed when I woke from my sleep and dreams. I listened hard. I thought I heard Echo sobbing in her room, but then I realized, it was my own sobbing I was hearing. I had to piddle in the pot. It was awkward getting myself over it without tipping it. but I managed and then I rolled over and stared at the dark rear wall of the closet.

  Finally. I heard heavy footsteps and then the closet door was opened. I turned and looked up at Rhona, who was carrying a jug of water. She smiled at me and knelt down, placing the jug on the floor to undo the belt from my face. As soon as my mouth was free. I took in large gasps of air.

  "Well now, you'll be happy to know Mother is going to be very cooperative. Despite what you expected, she bought into the whole story, especially when I got into your love affair with your sister's girlfriend. She's also going to have her pacemaker put in, but not for a few days. The doctor won't do it right now. He said her blood pressure shot up again. I wonder why."

  She poured a glass of water for me and brought it to my lips. I didn't want to take anything from her. I wanted to spit it into her face, but my throat felt like it was blistering from dryness. I swallowed quickly because she had no patience and was pouring it so fast. In fact. I gagged and she had to stop.

  "I've been thinking," she said. "This is really a big favor I'm doing you. I'm really not going to feed you anything. You'll lose a few pounds. I'll have to keep you here a while longer. It will take until tomorrow for Mother to get what she has to get signed and then I'll return and turn you loose. If you're a good girl, that is."

  "What about Echo?" I asked.

  "What about her? After I'm gone and Mother comes home, if she comes home, she can put her in that school or any school that handles disabled people. Everyone will be happy, except Mother maybe.

  "I see Trevor has not returned. Where is he? I don't want him coming around here looking for you or things can get even nastier."

  "His mother died." I revealed. There was no point in keeping it a secret any longer. She couldn't be more confident she would succeed and I didn't want her doing anythin g with Echo. The news surprised her.

  "Oh, really? You mean he left to go to a funeral?"

  "Yes."

  "That's treat, Why didn't you say so before? How long is he going to be gone?"

  "He said a few days."

  "Now isn't that considerate of his mother, dying at this time? This all may work out after all and easily. too."

  She picked up the sock to put back in my mouth,

  "Wait," I said. "Trevor's not here. No one can hear me shout if I shout, Please don't put that back in my mouth. It's hard to breathe with it in my mouth."

  She hesitated and then looked at me

  suspiciously and tilted her head. "What if you're lying to me about Trevor? What if you made all that up just so I wouldn't put this in your mouth and you could scream loud enough for him to hear you when he does return?"

  "I'm not lying. Please. Call the home his mother was in if you don't believe me.'

  "How am I supposed to know where that is?"

  "It's in Phoenix. Arizona."

  "What's the name of the home?"

  "I don't know, but I'm sure you can find out. He gave me his cousin's phone number. It's in my jeans. Call."

  "Right. I'm really going to go through all that just to make you more comfortable, and don't you think he'd wonder why I was calling?"

  "Please. I'm not lying."

  She shook her head. "I can't take a chance. If he doesn't come home by evening. I might leave it out. Open up."

  "No," I said.

  "You want me to call Skeeter to do it? He won't just put a sock in you."

  "Please," I begged. "I'm not doing anything. What could I do anyway?
"

  "Open up," she said, holding the sock near my lips.

  I saw Skeeter step into the doorway to say to Rhona. "What are you doing? The kid's asking after you and asking all about her. I think. It's hard to tell what she's saying, but you don't want her coming up here."

  "April?" Rhona said. "Am I going to do this or is Skeeter?" I opened my mouth.

  "Wider," she said. and I did it. She put the sock in and reattached the belt around my face. Then she stood up, backed out, and closed the closet door. I heard Skeeter's laugh and the two of them walk out, closing the bedroom door behind them.

  My body ached so from being cramped and twisted. I moaned and rocked back and forth. Then I tried to get to my feet by pressing my back to the wall and pushing up, but my ankles were so close. I simply toppled and hit the floor hard with my shoulder. I nearly knocked over the chamber pot as well. What seemed to be a good hour or so later, the door opened and Rhona knelt down to take off the gag,

  "Well now, guess what," she said. "Apparently, Trevor did tell someone about his mother, one of his wine customers who called to leave a message of sympathy. I promised to pass it along first chance I got. I'm going to give you some more water and that will be it for the day. I have my own things to take care of since you're not around to help make the meal. Echo is apparently very spoiled about what she will and won't eat. She can go hungry. too, for all I care. That will get her off her high horse quickly. Go on, sip it quickly or I won't give you any."

  I drank.

  "Some more please," I said when she took the glass away. She didn't even get me fresh water. She grimaced and brought it back to my lips, this time forcing me to gag on it.

  "You don't want to drink too much anyway, otherwise you'll fill the chamber pot and I'm not about to empty it for you. You'll do that yourself before you leave. Drink?'

  "No," I said.

  "Good. You can send me a thank you note later for all the pounds you shed." She glanced at the sock, started to reach for it, and stopped. "Since you've been so good. I'm going to leave it out of your mouth. If I hear you make a peep. I'll send Skeeter in to shove it down your throat again, understand?

  "Yes," I said.

  "You should say, yes, thank you. Didn't your mother teach you any manners as my mother taught me?"

  "Yes, thank you," I corrected.

  "Very good. See? We can be civil to each other when we try," she said, smiled and stood up. Have a very good night. I'll give you some more water in the morning before I leave to see my attorney and get the new papers for Mother to sign. I'm asking for more than I did before because she didn't behave well and has to pay a penalty now."

  I just stared up at her.

  "You'll thank me, really, for all this someday. You wouldn't want to spend your life here, believe inc. Good night," she said, and closed the closet door.

  The darkness defeated me. I closed my eyes and wished I would just die. After all this ended, how could I face poor Mrs. Westington knowing I had been the one who put her in this terrible position? I was sure she would hate me for it, even though she would pretend she didn't. and Trevor would be so disappointed in me as well for having hid so much from him. When it does end. I thought, I will leave. I'll get into my car and just drive away as quickly as I can. What Rhona had told Mrs. Westington concerning me might as well prove to be true.

  I fell asleep on and off. One time when I woke. I felt very dizzy. It was as if my whole body was spinning in space. I was so weak and tired. I couldn't struggle much against the bindings. I could feel myself falling into a world of hallucination. There were brilliant colors flashing across my eves, even when I opened them. The silence, the darkness, and the terribly restricted area and movement sent me wandering through all sorts of tunnels in my own mind.

  I slid my body over the closet floor and put my ear to the rear wall. Was it my imagination or was someone whispering just on the other side?

  "I don't like it in here," I heard. "Why did you leave me in here?"

  Oh. my God. I thought. it's Destiny. I had forgotten that I had placed her in Echo's closet and closed the door. She was in much the same kind of situation as I was.

  "Destiny? Is that you?"

  "Yes. Where are you?"

  "I'm in a closet. too. They tied me up and put me here."

  ""Well, how am I going to help you? How am I going to get out of here? Echo can't hear me if I shout and cry."

  "I don't know,"" I said. sobbing. "I'm sorry. I should have thought about it more."

  "Yes, you should have. Now what are we going to do?"

  "I don't know."

  "Stop saying that. Think."

  "I'm tying," I said. "I'm so tired and my body aches in so many places."

  "Stop thinking of yourself only. Just imagine what it's like for me and for Echo. too."

  "I have been imagining that. It is painful to think about it. I know it's my fault. I know."

  "It's not entirely your fault, but you did make it all easy for them. You should have told Trevor more. You should have confided in him. You have to learn to trust good people more and stop being so ashamed of yourself."

  "I know,"

  Suddenly, the closet door was thrust open. The light from the bedroom blinded me for a moment. I blinked and looked up. Skeeter was standing there totally naked.

  "Who the hell are you talking to?" he asked. I saw him wobble and realized he was drunk again. "Is she in here with you?" he asked, the thought occurring to him. He leaned in and pushed the clothing that remained away from me. "You're crazy." he said. "Talking to yourself."

  "Please, untie me and let me out" I begged.

  "Sure. And Rhona will skin me alive. You look like you're doing fine."

  He stared clown at me and then smiled, looked back at the doorway, and started to squat. He brought his face so close to mine. I could smell the whiskey mixed with the sweat. It turned my stomach. He moved his tongue over his lips. Panic, like two giant hands, tightened a grip around my ribs, making it harder and harder for me to breathe.

  "I was thinking about last night and how disappointed you must have been," he said.

  "I wasn't disappointed. I was disgusted. Just like I am right now. Get away from me."

  "You just asked me to help you. You don't know what you want, do you?"

  "Yes. I asked you to untie me. Nothing else."

  "You know. I have this theory about lesbians. They just don't know what they're missing, never having had it. Am I right or am I right?"

  He poked me in the stomach with his right forefinger and I pulled back. Then he gripped my stomach with his thumb and forefinger and squeezed until I cried out.

  "Hey, shut your mouth. You wake Rhona and there'll be hell to pay," he said, and looked back at the doorway.

  "Leave me alone."

  "Now that would be stupid and a total waste of an opportunity for you," he said. smiling.

  Instinctively. I pushed myself as far away from him as I could by twisting and turning my body, until I was against the closet wall. He reached out and seized my ankles, turning and pulling me back. I started to scream but stopped when I saw his eyes go to the sock.

  "Shout again and I'll stuff that deep into your throat," he threatened.

  "Please, leave me alone."

  "It's against my religion to pass up an opportunity to please a young woman." he said.

  He pulled me more and then he lined himself up and put his arms around my thighs to lift me as he drew closer. I couldn't put up much resistence. This is going to happen. I thought. What good did it do to scream? Who would help me? All I can do is close my eyes and try to close my mind to it as well, maybe pretend to be somewhere else, somewhere pleasant and beautiful. My silence and my cessation of even the smallest resistence only encouraged him.

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  "That's more like it. Now you're getting the idea." he said. "This is going to be an eye-opener for you. You'll never forget it."

  Where had
I heard that before? I thought,

  I felt his hardness move against me and looked at him, at the way he threw his head back, his eyes closed, his mouth slightly open and for a moment, only a slight moment. I was intrigued by how much pleasure he expected he would have, even without my being willing. It occurred to me that he could be doing this with anyone, that emotions, affection, love didn't matter to him. Rhona probably didn't matter all that much to him either. He was with her only because of what she promised and what he saw he could gain for himself. In the end perhaps being gay or straight didn't matter as much as whom you were with and why you were with him or her. Everything we did in our lives could have little or no meaning, which was what I thought described Skeeter, or if we truly gave ourselves, invested our trust and love in someone else, could have deeper, lifelong meaning.

  Was it too late for me? Would I be like him? Like Rhona? Would what he was about to do to me min my chances for any real happiness? Was that what he was taking from me? Or had I already lost it along the way during this journey that had brought me to this horrible moment?

  "NO!" I cried, despite his threat if I wasn't quiet. "NO!" I cried for myself, my dreams and hopes, my faith in all that was possible and good in this life.

  My cry took him by surprise. He had thought I had totally surrendered. My shout gave him pause, which was quickly turning to anger, but before he could do anything more, we both heard this most horrendous and shrill scream. He turned and fell back on his side and I had a clear view of the bedroom doorway in which Echo stood, her hands on her ears as though she could hear her own basic, desperate howl rising out of the depths of her own fear, instinctive and raw.

  A moment later Rhona was right behind her looking in at us, her face in a rage with her eyes wide and her lips twisted,

  "Skeeter!" she shouted. "You damn idiot. You fool. Look what you've done!"

  "Huh?" he said, as if he was just awakening from a bout of sleepwalking. He looked at me and then at Echo, who was silent with her mouth wide open and her hands still on her ears, her neck straining. It had the effect of making us all feel as if we were the deaf ones, unable to hear her.