Girl in the Shadows

  in the morning.

  The auctioneer's man arrived just as we were

  getting ready to have breakfast the next day. I had

  spent a night tossing and turning over it all. Once the

  motor home was gone and Uncle Palaver's things

  given away or stored, that part of my past was over. I

  thought. I felt as if I was cutting some umbilical cord

  and leaving myself totally alone, floating in the space

  of indecision and uncertainty.

  I had to sign some papers and then the man

  climbed into the motor home and started the engine.

  Echo came out to stand beside me and watch him

  drive it off. I didn't cry, but the ache in my heart was

  so painful. I had trouble breathing.

  "It's the past," Mrs. Westing-ton insisted.

  "Think only about the future."

  I nodded. but I didn't say anything and I didn't

  eat much breakfast. Afterward. I helped clear the table, get the dishes and silverware washed and put away, and then went out by myself and walked down to the lake. Echo was up in her room looking over all her new things. She was as excited now as any young girl about to begin in a new school, whether it was a school for disabled children or not. I didn't need anyone to tell me that soon I would be less important to her. There was nothing wrong with that. She desperately needed to be with her peers, have friends who had things in common with her. Her life in so

  many ways was just beginning.

  Maybe mine was, too. I thought. As if the

  future was full of bells that rang to signal a new turn

  and a new direction. I heard Mrs. Westington calling

  to me from the front porch. I hurried back to the

  house, worried something might be wrong with her. It's your sister," she said. "She's on the

  telephone."

  "My sister?" I ran into the house and picked up

  the receiver. "Hello, Brenda?"

  "Hi, April. I'm flying into San Francisco

  tomorrow. I'll be there by eleven. I have a three-hour

  layover and then I'm going on to Seattle." She gave

  me the name of the airline and flight number. "We can

  meet and have lunch and talk," she said. "If you still

  want to that is."

  "Yes, I would like that very much. Brenda.

  How have you been doing?"

  "Our team lost only one game. I met a lot of

  interesting people,- she added. The way she stressed

  interesting made my heart skip a beat. Did she mean

  someone in particular? "And how have you been?"

  she asked.

  She had no idea why, but her question made me

  laugh. "Why are you laughing?"

  "I'll tell you when I see you," I said. "But I'm

  fine now. Brenda."

  "Okay."

  I told her about Uncle Palaver's things and what

  our attorney had told me about his estate.

  "We have a little money, an inheritance." "We do have what we need from what Mom

  and Dad left us, you know. You ran off before I could

  get into that."

  "It wasn't important to me then."

  "You have what you need for your college

  education," she said. "You do intend to go to college,

  don't you?"

  "Yes," I said. "I do." I told her firmly. "Good. See you tomorrow."

  "Okay," I said. I let out a deep breath. "Well?" Mrs. Westington asked as soon as I

  walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. "I don't know yet. Mrs. Westington.'

  She nodded. thoughtfully. "You know you'll

  always have a home here," she said. "No matter what.' "Thank you."

  I never imagined that I would be so nervous

  about meeting my sister. A part of me desperately

  wanted her love and a part of me still feared her. I was

  so afraid that when she heard what had happened to

  me since I left her, she would just shake her head and,

  as she had done so many times in the past, call me a

  hopeless case, a loser who would only be a weight

  around her ankles. Maybe we were just too unalike to

  ever get along. I knew I would have trouble sleeping.

  anticipating.

  Mrs. Westington had insisted I take Rhona's

  room back. She had Lourdes clean it as if someone

  with a contagious flu had been sleeping in it. It was

  clean enough to be used as a surgical station in a

  hospital. I kept saying it was good enough and Mrs.

  Westington kept finding something else to wash or

  polish. Even Lourdes looked at me as if Mrs.

  Westington had gone mad. In the end I appreciated it.

  however.

  I placed Destiny in a chair near the bed and

  slept comfortably up to the night before. when I had

  been troubled about selling off Uncle Palaver's motor

  home, and now I feared I'd be tossing and turning

  most of the night again.

  "Stop all this worrying," my voice thrown

  through Destiny told me. "What will be will be," I finally fell asleep. Echo was very curious

  about where I was going and why right after

  breakfast. When she learned I was meeting my sister,

  her face filled with concern. Even though she was

  going off to school, she had harbored the belief I was

  remaining behind to live with her grandmother.

  Neither Mrs. Westington nor I had spent any time

  telling her that. Most likely I would be leaving, too. Later. Echo stepped out on the porch to watch

  me drive away. She looked so sad I was tempted not

  to go. I signed I would be back soon and she smiled

  and waved. I looked at her in my rearview mirror and

  saw she didn't go back inside until I was turning out

  of the driveway.

  Our lives are filled with so many good-byes. I

  thought. There were good-byes to our parents and

  grandparents, of course, and good-byes to our other loved ones, but we also said good-bye to ourselves, to our youth especially. As I drove to the San Francisco airport to meet Brenda. I did feel older, almost battle weary, a scarred veteran of wars, toughened, perhaps more cynical, but certainly more self-confident. It was

  something Brenda saw immediately.

  She came walking out of the gate to meet me

  and paused for a moment, her eyes blinking as though

  she had to be sure she was looking at me before

  continuing. She had her knapsack on her and carried a

  small athletic bag. She, too, looked different to me.

  She had her hair cut the same way and she looked to

  be the same weight, but she wasn't as tall and

  intimidating as I remembered. Perhaps, without my

  realizing it, I had known a few inches.

  I had my hair brushed back. It was longer than

  she would have remembered it.

  "Hi," she said.

  For a moment we were both unsure of what to

  do next. Should we hug each other? She moved first,

  putting the bag down, and we did. Then she stepped

  back.

  "You look like you lost a few,"

  "A few," I said.

  She stared at me. "I forgot how much you look

  like Daddy."

  "I never thought so."

  "Oh. yeah. You have his eyes and his nose.

  They say as you get older, you start to look like your

  parents more and more. Where can we get something

  to eat? I'm starving. I hated the plastic food on the

  plane."

  "Do
wn here is a sort of cafeteria-style place," I

  said, pointing to the right. She picked up her bag and

  we started toward the restaurant. "Was it a long

  flight?"

  "Long enough. I've been on so many planes, I

  can't distinguish one from another anymore." We entered the restaurant and I chose a salad

  and a bottle of water. She said nothing. but I caught

  her watching me choose food for myself just as she

  always did. She did fill her tray with hot food, some

  juice, bread, and a fruit dessert. We sat at a table in

  the far corner.

  "Where should we begin?" she asked, buttering

  her bread. She looked up when I didn't respond. "I don't know. Probably with my meeting up

  with Uncle Palaver."

  She nodded. "Good. I don't want to talk about

  Celia."

  "You haven't heard from her since--" "No. That's over. Go on, tell me what it was

  like being on the road with him, doing those shows." I described it as best I could. She ate and

  listened. but I felt she was looking past the stories and

  the descriptions. She was studying me so hard. When

  I described Uncle Palaver and his Destiny, she shook

  her head.

  "I really did use to wonder about that. He never

  brought her around. There was always one excuse or

  another. How sad. Where's the doll?"

  "I still have it. I won't let it go,"

  "I see. And after he died, this old lady just took

  you into her home to be with her deaf

  granddaughter?"

  "Yes," I said. "Mrs. Westington."

  "Well, what's that been like, living there?" I talked so long and enthusiastically about

  Trevor. Echo, Tyler. and Mrs. Westington, Brenda's

  eves just remained wide the whole time. She smiled

  and nodded and then. when I began to talk about

  Rhona and Skeeter, her face darkened. I told her what

  they had done to Echo and me, about their arrest and

  their upcoming trials.

  "I'll have to be a witness, of course."

  "All this just happened to you?"

  "Yes, and to Echo."

  "Did he actually rape you?"

  "Almost," I said. "But there are enough charges

  beside that against him to put him away for a long

  time."

  She looked away and then took a deep breath. I

  couldn't be sure, but it looked like she was pulling

  back tears.

  "I felt terrible the day you ran off and not

  because of the reasons you think. I knew Mom would

  have wanted me to look after you and Daddy expected

  it. I left you out there all by yourself"

  "No, you didn't. Brenda. Besides. I was with

  Uncle Palaver."

  "He left you. too. You were with strangers." "Not long. They've become my family." She winced, "That's good." she said. She played

  with her remaining food for a few moments. I took

  advantage of the silence and ate some of my salad.

  She continued, her head down. "I made a terrible

  mistake with you. April. I should have been more

  truthful and forthcoming about my sexuality.' "No, you--"

  "Yes. I should have. Even back when we were in the public school together. I should have taken you into my confidence. I know how confusing it must have been for you when you first realized and how that must have impacted on your own identity. It's very important to be comfortable with yourself, with

  your own sexuality, no matter what that might be.' "I think I am. Now," I said.

  "Good, but I left you out there to wallow in all

  this... distortion. I'm sorry I've been too involved with

  myself.'

  "I don't blame you for anything. Brenda." "You should, but okay, I'm glad if you don't,"

  she said. "Anyway, what do you want to do now?Will

  you come live with me in Seattle?"

  "Will I be in the way?"

  "Never. I'm not going to lie to you, however.

  I'm with someone again, someone not as absorbed

  with herself as Celia was. She's an assistant coach.

  and I know you'll like her. As a friend," she added

  quickly. "We've got this four-bedroom house with a

  real yard and an office you can use for your

  schoolwork. You still have to finish your senior year.

  right?"

  "Yes. I thought I would just take an

  equivalency test. but I think I'd like to enroll and have

  at least part of a year's worth of real school." "Good." She looked at her watch and then she

  dug into her athletic bag. "Here's all the information

  you need about contacting me. You'll drive up as soon

  as you can. I'll see about the school and get that

  started for you. Can you head up there right away?" "Yes," I said.

  "We don't have much. I guess, just each other

  now."

  "We have a lot more than many people have.

  I've learned that," I said, and she smiled.

  "You're very grown up. April. I can feel it.

  You've grown up quickly, mainly because you had to.

  I hope you haven't missed anything important on the

  way."

  "We all do. Brenda, butI'll make up for it." She pulled her head back. "Who's given you all

  this wisdom?"

  "A little old lady who dips into her well of

  experience and gives me a cup of this and that." She laughed. "Sounds like I should meet her." "I hope you will someday."

  She rose. "I got to make the plane.'

  "Right."

  Off to my left, I caught a woman signing to a

  little girl. Brenda saw where I was looking. "What is she telling her?"

  "She's telling her not to be afraid. She's

  promising she'll always be right beside her. It's

  probably going to be her first plane trip."

  "You understood all that?"

  "Bits and pieces, enough to figure it out." "Maybe you found yourself a career." Brenda

  said with a look of admiration.

  I shrugged. "Maybe. What I did learn was

  people with good hearing don't always listen to each

  other as much as people without any hearing at all

  do."

  She tilted her head, "Yeah," she said. "I want to

  meet this old lady."

  "I'll arrange it," I called after her. "But you

  better not call her an old lady."

  She turned and laughed and in that moment. I

  saw my father and my mother standing beside her, the

  same smile on their faces. and I remembered what

  Mrs. Westington first told me about how your loved

  ones who have gone could still be watching over you:

  "They do their best to watch over us and lead us to

  happiness."

  Why can't it be true? I thought.

  Epilogue

  . I had mixed feelings about still being there to accompany Echo to her school. I could feel the way she was torn, looking back at us and then looking at the school and all it promised to be for her. She hugged and held on to me as if she believed she would never see me again. I promised I would be back. I explained that for one thing. I had to be back for the upcoming trials.

  Tyler came out of the building and escorted her in and helped her are settled. It obviously made a huge difference. After he got her settled in, he and I walked back to the parking lot while Mrs. Westington remained with Echo to help her unpack her things.

  "She'll be fine here," he said. "I know, I t's just hard for Mrs. Westington. It's like bringing your child t
o her first day of school."

  "Well, it is her first day, really. So, you're headed up to Seattle then?"

  "Yes. My sister's getting me enrolled in the school there. Thanks for helping me with the equivalency preparation. I'm sure it will come in handy when I'm actually in classes."

  "I expect it will. You'll be a good student." he said, slipping into his cool, evaluative manner. He realized it immediately and smiled. "Drop me a line when you can and let me know how you're doing."

  "I will and you write back. too."

  "Absolutely. I'll keep my eye on Mrs. Westington as well," he said when we reached the parking lot. Trevor was waiting in the car and Mrs. Westington hadn't come out yet.

  "That'll be nice."

  He thought a moment and then turned to me. "Look, April, I'm really sorry about--"

  "Don't," I said. "Let's pretend none of it happened, okay? I'll be back and I'll be different and you'll be different and we'll see what that means for us then."

  He smiled. "Right. Say good-bye to Destiny for me, will you?"

  "You know I will," I said, and he laughed. He started to turn back to the building, stopped, and took my hand again to draw me closer and kiss me.

  "Bye," he whispered, and walked back to the building. I watched until he went inside. Then I went to the car. Trevor had seen it all, but he said nothing. Moments later. Mrs. Westington appeared and he got out to open the door for her. She bawled him out for that.

  "I don't need a chauffeur," she snapped. "You're not driving Miss Daisy."

  He shook his head and got back behind the wheel. On the way home afterward. Mrs. Westington was terribly silent. Trevor and I talked continuously so there'd be no long moments of silence.

  When we reached the house, she wobbled a bit more than usual when she stepped out of the car this time. "Starting to feel my age," she remarked. "Guess I'll have to ease up on that gas pedal."

  "What did you tell me once? You think bad things and bad things will happen. Don't go giving advice you won't follow yourself." I lectured, and she laughed.

  "Look what I turned loose on the world. Trevor," she said, looking back at him.

  "Yes, Ma'am. You did good."

  She nodded and then looked off in the direction of the school. "I hope she's not frightened tonight," she said.

  "I gave her Mr. Panda. She'll have him beside her," I said.

  She raised her eyebrows as if she was getting ready to make fun of the idea and then she just nodded. "Most likely that'll help," she agreed, and we went into the house.