Girl in the Shadows

  You're a coward. April Taylor. I told myself, You run away from everything, even yourself.

  I went directly to Echo's room. The door was open. When I looked in. I saw her hovered over the novel Tyler had given her to read. I sat beside her and she looked up at me. Her face was still a little peaked from her fright and her hands were trembling. I took them into mine, squeezed them gently to comfort her, and smiled at her. Then I reached for a pen and some paper.

  Here we go. I thought, and began to write about my uncle, his dear assistant. Destiny, and the doll. I gave it to her in small doses, explaining why my uncle had the doll made and what its purpose was in the show.

  She continued to look skeptical and wrote. "But isn't it a real lady?"

  Again and again, I told her no but she still looked skeptical. I apologized for not warning her about Destiny. I explained how I hadn't gone into the motor home since I had gotten my things out of it and some of the magic tricks, and how I had forgotten about her in the bedroom. Again. I emphasized how the doll was part of the magic show. helped do tricks, and was used like a puppet, a ventriloquist's doll. Being deaf, her knowledge of that was nil and I had a difficult time explaining it.

  Nevertheless. I promised to show how the doll worked someday and that seemed to calm her, although she still looked quite confused.

  Exhausted. I went to my room and prepared for dinner. As soon as I was downstairs. Trevor caught me in the hallway while Mrs. Westington was in the kitchen. He pulled me aside to whisper.

  "Something happen with Echo?" he asked, "I saw her running into the house earlier."

  I told him what had occurred and I also told him quickly that I hadn't revealed it to Mrs. Westington.

  "Oh, that doll," he said. I recalled how he had reacted when he saw Destiny for the first time the day I had driven up to the house,

  "I don't think Mrs. Westington is going to be happy about it," I said. "It was my fault. I had better explain."

  "For now, let it be." he advised.

  Mrs. Westington saw us whispering and looked at us suspiciously, but she didn't ask any questions.

  At dinner Trevor and I talked more about the winery, how it had been so successful and why his grapes were so special. He went into a long lecture about methods of cultivating. Mrs. Westington put on a touchy face and complained about his wasting my time now and not just his own, but I could see she enjoyed my enthusiasm. Echo struggled to be part of our conversation, but neither I nor Trevor

  remembered to explain everything as we went along. I. of course, had a limited ability with signing. Every once in a while, I did what I could to keep her in the discussion, and then I suddenly got a great idea from watching her struggle to keep up with us.

  However, I thought it was a terrific idea. but Tyler Monahan thought it further proved that I was too weird to be around Echo.

  When he arrived the next day. I greeted him with, "I want to learn like a deaf person."

  He froze in the hallway and pulled in the corners of his mouth. Then he tilted his head and said, "What?"

  "I thought if I was deaf. I would be forced to learn how to communicate through signing. It would put the same pressure on me that a person really deaf has on her, and perhaps I'll learn faster."

  "Oh, is that so? And how do you intend on becoming deaf, pop your eardrums or something?"

  "Wax," I said.

  "Wax?"

  "Yes, I'm going to fill my ears with wax. My uncle Palaver was once part of a circus act that required him to assist the man who

  was shot out of a cannon. He told me he filled his ears with melted wax to keep himself from going deaf and he couldn't hear a thing and that they had to tap him on the shoulder to get his attention."

  Tyler shook his head. "Let me understand this. You not only want me to tutor you for the high school equivalency exam. You want me to do it through signing, lipreading, and all the other techniques I use on Echo?"

  "Exactly," I said.

  "You're crazier than I thought," he replied. I smiled. "It won't work," he insisted.

  "We'll see:" I said. I had spent hours and hours the night before on the ASL book even after Echo and I had practiced for hours. I wasn't proficient yet. but I had come a long way and I was determined he would have a better impression of me and my abilities.

  "Look, if you think I'm going to waste my time just to amuse you. you're"

  "I'll be right back." I interrupted before he could warn and threaten me, and I went upstairs and filled my ears with the candle wax I had already melted and prepared in a cup. I tested myself by banging a brush on the vanity counter and then by running water. It was very difficult to hear anything. With the ASL book under my arm. I returned to the office, where Tyler was already instructing Echo. He looked up suspiciously, and then he produced a packet of tests he obviously wanted me to take.

  "This will help me evaluate you." he said. I knew he had said it, but I responded with the signing for "I can't hear you."

  He squinted and I turned my head so he could see the wax in my ears. Then he raised his eyes to the ceiling. I saw an impish light come into his eves. When he looked at me again, he signed. "Let's have breakfast."

  I shook my head at him and signed back, "We already ate breakfast."

  His eyes widened with surprise. I stepped forward and indicated the tests. For me?" I signed.

  He nodded. I took them and sat. "What do I start with?" I signed. "Math," he signed back.

  "I hate math." I told him.

  "Then that's what you should start with," he replied, signing quickly, almost too quickly. "What is your favorite subject?" he asked. I got thrown by the word favorite for a moment and then figured it out.

  "English," I said.

  He nodded gently, his eyes bright with his surprise and admiration for what I had already achieved.

  Echo had been watching us the whole time. She started to smile, looked at Tyler, who was staring at me now with a lot more respect, and then she looked back at me.

  Her smile slowly weakened until it was gone. She looked at Tyler and then at me again. I think she was afraid my initials might get carved into that heart scratched into the rock.

  And maybe she thought that was the reason I had warned her against being too intimate with him or any boy?

  Of course. I told myself it wasn't.

  I looked at Tyler Monahan flipping through the pages of a book. He was a handsome young man, so self-assured.

  Maybe what I had seen in Echo's eyes was really in my own, I thought.

  And if a young, innocent girl could see it so clearly, he surely would.

  3 Distractions

  . The tests Tyler gave me took hours and although I wouldn't admit it to him, the wax in my ears made them very itchy inside. Every once in a while, I caught him looking at me with some suspicion in his eyes. I was sure that in his mind I was simply pulling off a stunt to win Mrs. Westington's affections even more, When I saw Mrs. Westington in the door to announce lunch. I signed back at her that I was going to skip lunch and continue doing the tests. She looked confused and turned to Tyler. He told her about the wax in my ears and she came over to me quickly to look.

  "I want to learn like Echo learns." I explained when she opened her mouth in amazement. "I want to be dependent upon the same means she is. It will help me develop the ability to communicate with her faster and better."

  She looked at Tyler. who shrugged, lifted his arms, and shook his head with a look that said. "I don't understand her.' They went off to lunch, but Mrs. Westington wouldn't hear of me not eating anything. She brought in a turkey sandwich and a glass of lemonade and put it on the desk. I thanked her. I could see her go off muttering to herself.

  I was so involved in the tests. I didn't notice how much time had gone by without Tyler and Echo returning to the office.

  Either hoping to defeat me or trying to get me to give up on my own, he had presented me with a great deal of work that included math problems, science questio
ns, social studies questions, and pages and pages of grammar exams. By the time I was finished, it was nearly time for him to leave for the day. I closed the test booklet and looked about, puzzled, but before I got up to leave. Tyler appeared without Echo. I looked at him curiously. He seemed very upset.

  "What's wrong?" I asked. "Where's Echo? Something the matter with her?"

  "You'd better scrape that wax out of your ears

  right now." he wrote on a pad.

  "Why?"

  "I want to talk to you about what you told

  Echo." he added. "And also about what you showed

  her." Of course I knew he meant Destiny.

  I asked him where Echo was and he told me she

  was upstairs in her room working on some

  assignments he had given her.

  "I'll be waiting for you outside." he told me. He

  tried to keep his emotions under a tight, firm face, but

  his rage swirled about in the dark pools of his eyes. I went into the bathroom and began to remove

  the wax using hot water and a toothpick very

  carefully. I didn't get it all out. but I knew Tyler was

  waiting impatiently for me on the front porch. "Let's take a walk," he said sharply the moment

  I appeared. He charged dawn the steps.

  Trevor was continuing his harvesting of his

  grapes and watched us walk off toward the pond. We

  went quite a way before Tyler spoke and when he did,

  he nearly shouted. blurting. "I knew you were going

  to create more problems and make things more

  difficult for me, as if it wasn't hard enough for me as

  it is. I just knew it!"

  "What's that supposed to mean?What

  problems?"

  He kept walking, paused, changed direction,

  and continued like someone caught in a great state of

  confusion.

  "Can you please stand still and tell me what this

  is all about? What problems have I caused you?" Finally, he stopped and turned to me. "You wanted to help her with her schoolwork," he said, shaking her head. "You wanted to learn how to communicate with her quickly. You put on this whole show about simulating a deaf person's condition so you'd be forced to learn like she does. You did some job on Mrs. Westington when you told her your sad, sad store. Poor April Taylor, an orphan dumped on their doorstep,'" he said, mimicking someone who felt

  terrible for inc.

  "What did I do to get you so upset?" I

  screamed.

  "What did you do? I'll tell you what you did.

  First chance you get, what do you talk about with

  Echo? Her math problems? No. English homework?

  No. Social studies? No. What then? Boyfriends,

  kissing, petting, making babies! Her brain is so full of

  that stuff, she can't concentrate on anything I tell her

  to do. And she's asking me questions that would

  embarrass a prostitute!"

  "I didn't tell her anything a girl her age

  shouldn't know, things girls younger than her know," "Who told you to tell her anything?"

  "Why do you want to keep her so socially

  innocent and ignorant?" I fired back, my eyes small

  with accusations. "Why would you want that?" Instead of answering, he ignored me and

  continued with his assault. "And then you show her

  that... naked doll, a life-size, naked doll with... with

  pubic hair? How could you do that?" he asked,

  grimacing. "Did you get some sort of sick pleasure out

  of watching how she reacted?"

  "You don't understand what happened.'" "Right. I don't understand. At least you're smart

  enough to realize that. My advice to you is to just pick

  up and leave. Get into that motor home, drive off. and

  go live with one of your own relatives, the first ones

  who'll take you in."

  "Oh, you're such a goody-goody, so protective

  of poor Echo, so worried I would corrupt her, while

  you go and carve your initials in a heart in that rock

  with her and get her to think you're going to be her

  boyfriend."

  "Rock?"

  "For your information, she showed me how you

  touched her, too! In places you shouldn't have! I've

  been thinking about telling Mrs. Westington. only I

  didn't want to start a whole mess after being here so

  short a time. If anyone has created unnecessary

  problems, it's you, not me. Tyler Monahan!" His face brightened as the blood rushed into his cheeks. "What rock? What sort of touching? What are you talking about?" he demanded, stepping up to me,

  his chest swelling, his hands on his hips.

  I nodded at the pond. "The rock that sticks up

  on the other side of the pond. She brought me there

  and showed it to me. After that she showed me how

  and where you touched her."

  He stared at me, his black pearl eyes losing,

  some of their rage. Then he gazed out at the pond and

  turned back to me. "You're lying."

  "Oh. I'm lying. What are you going to do, claim

  it's my imagination? Maybe we can't bring Mrs.

  Westington out there. but I could tell Trevor to go

  look if you need it confirmed."

  "Show it to me." he said.

  "Why, you don't know where it is?"

  "For your information. I don't."

  I hesitated. Could he be telling the truth or did

  he just want to get me into that boat? I began to

  imagine all sorts of things. If I got into that rowboat

  with him, he might try to drown me.

  "Just as I thought." he said at my continued

  hesitation. He folded his arms under his chest and

  stood back firmly. "You're making it up. You're sick,

  as sick as the uncle who had that doll in his motor

  home."

  "No, you're the one who's sick," I said, "I'll

  prove it, too," I added, and marched down to the dock.

  Now he was the one hesitating. "Well, are you coming

  to see what I know or are you going to run back into

  the house and tell Mrs. Westington a bunch of lies?" After a moment, he unfolded his arms and

  walked down to the dock. I got into the rowboat first.

  He looked back at the house and then he got into it. "I'll row," I said. "I don't want you to strain

  yourself."

  He squeezed his forehead and narrowed his

  eves as I set out, my eyes fixed firmly on him. "For your information, not that I care. I didn't

  realize Echo understood half of what I told her about

  boys and making babies. I was planning on writing

  out most of it tonight. She's nearly fifteen years old

  and she should know a great deal more about her own

  body and sex and everything, only who is going to

  teach it to her. Mrs. Westington? I doubt it. You? I

  don't see any books on health education."

  "That's not what I'm here for."

  "Yeah," I said. smirking. "That's not what

  you're here for. Oh. no."

  "It isn't and I already told you. I thought she should be in an environment with other g-irls her own age. Not that you couldn't teach her about sex from

  firsthand experiences. I'm sure."

  "Oh, you're so damn smug. You think you

  know everything about everybody."

  He didn't respond. He turned away and looked

  out over the pond.

  "What are you trying to do, think of some

  clever Chinese proverb?"

  He started to swell with anger and then he just

 
shook his head.

  I rowed hard and quickly, bringing us up beside

  the rock. Then I reached out, stopped the rowboat, and

  looked at him. "Here it is. Like you didn't know." He rose, wobbling a bit, and crossed to where I

  had indicated on the rock. He studied it a moment and

  then surprised me by laughing,

  "What's so funny?" How could he laugh? "It's pretty easy to figure out that I didn't do

  this."

  "Oh, really? And why is it so easy. Mr. Big

  Shot?"

  'It's easy because it says 'Ty and me.' I don't

  think I would have written 'Ty and me,' even though

  you believe I'm too much in love with myself. Also, look at how crudely this heart is drawn. It's not carved so much as scratched. Anyway, why would I put something indelibly into this rock for anyone to see if

  I was trying to be surreptitious?"

  "Sur what?"

  "Sneaky, hidden. Pass a high school

  equivalency exam," he muttered.

  I squeezed my eyebrows together and studied

  the heart in the rock. Of course he was right about it

  saying "Ty and me." Why hadn't I realized it? He sat and folded his hands over his lap. I

  returned to my seat and for a moment neither of us

  spoke. The boat rocked gently in the breeze and my

  pounding heart slowed down,

  "Look," he said in a much calmer tone of voice.

  "what we have here is an adolescent fantasy. It's not

  uncommon or even unexpected, especially with a girl

  so isolated. Don't you think I'm aware of all that? I do

  the best I can. That's why I want to bring her up to a

  level where she could enter a structured school

  environment quickly and have more normal

  experiences."

  "That's all I want for her as well," I said. "It's hardly normal to bring her to that motor

  home and show her a nude sex doll.'

  "It's not a sex doll and I didn't show it to her.

  She wanted to go into the motor home to see it and I

  forgot about my uncle's doll."

  "Naked on a bed? That's just so sick. You're

  uncle must have been so perverted beside being a

  drunk,"

  "He was not! You're so arrogant. You don't

  know what you're talking about."

  "Maybe I don't. but I wonder if you do either. I