Damaged Hearts - Monica Murphy

  Deep down, I know what this is really about. Why I’m saying these things, why I’m feeling this way. I can’t stand the thought of my uncle being the one who attacked her. I’d almost rather think she was lying to me.

  How fucked up is that?

  “Are you calling me a liar over the whole Greg thing?”

  “No.” Maybe. She knows me better than I realize.

  Jensen lifts her chin, defiant. “Please. You so are.”

  “Don’t put words in my mouth.”

  “Don’t give me that judgey tone.”

  “Judgey?” I sound incredulous because I sort of am.

  But maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m being totally judgmental right now.

  “You’re so high and mighty. Mister Rich Boy, with all your money and social status and fancy cars and clothes and houses. You don’t appreciate shit. Instead, you’re the spoiled little wealthy son who’s rebelling against his father by going out with the slutty topless cocktail waitress from the wrong side of the tracks. So you can stir the pot and drive your family crazy with your ‘rebellious’ choices.” She adds air quotes around the word rebellious.

  Now it’s my turn to stare at her with my mouth hanging open. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Let’s be real here, Rhett. I’m a passing phase. The naughty girl you can bring home and show off to say, ‘See? I don’t follow the rules all the time.’ Because that’s who you really are. A rule follower. You’re a good boy.”

  She says that like it’s a bad thing.

  “Once you dump me—and you will, don’t deny it—you’ll find some nice, respectable girl to bring home to Daddy. You’ll get Mommy’s engagement ring and propose, and you’ll have a grand wedding followed by a month-long European honeymoon. You’ll put a couple of kids in her belly real quick like and you’ll have a perfectly lovely, if perfectly boring life. Traveling for work and always out of town, so you’ll sleep around on the side with more slutty cocktail waitresses because you find yourself drawn to those types. All while wifey-poo sits at home and minds your babies and wonders if she Botoxed all her worry wrinkles away enough so you don’t notice them anymore. Hoping the tummy tuck and the boob lift she got after the babies fucked up her body will make you want her again.”

  Her words infuriate me. Only because she’s probably not far off with her assessment. Describing a life that I don’t want but will probably end up having, because that’s what happens. You try and try to fight against your destiny and you still end up just like your dad.

  “You think you’ve got me all figured out,” I say, my voice cold.

  “I know I do. I can see it in your eyes. And you’re pissed because you know I’m right. I nailed it. I nailed you.” She climbs onto the bed, crawling along the length of my body until she’s settled in my lap, her legs wrapped around me, the comforter the only thing between us. She slings her arms around my neck while I remain stiff. Unmoving.

  Well. The only thing moving currently is my dick. It tends to do that whenever she gets close.

  “You say and do this shit to push me away,” I tell her.

  “Is it working?” She smiles, but there’s no emotion behind it. I spot the tiny flicker of pain in her gaze, but then it’s gone. Blinked away, like it was never there in the first place.

  “No.” I touch her breasts, my thumbs brushing her nipples, and she bites her lip, trying her best to contain her reaction, I can tell. “You’re not a rebellious stage, Jens.”

  “Mmm, lies are much prettier when you tell them, Rhett,” she murmurs just before she leans in and kisses me. Her lips are plump and soft, her body warm and pliant as she melts into me, and we kiss like this for long, tongues tangled minutes. Until I’m shoving away the comforter and pushing my cock inside her and she’s riding me, all her rude words forgotten, both of us chasing after that orgasm until we finally find it.

  We’re chasing after each other too. And our fucked up emotions.

  But we never seem to find those.

  Jensen

  “Let’s go out of town for Thanksgiving. Just the two of us.”

  I chance a quick glance at Savannah, who’s sitting next to me on her couch in complete silence, listening in on my conversation with Rhett. He called only a few minutes ago and I immediately put him on speaker, never letting him know that Savannah is in the same room with me.

  Why I’m doing this, I’m not sure. To show her what a fake asshole he is? Though he’s not. Most of the time, he’s so genuine, so sweet he makes my teeth freaking hurt. But I keep thinking maybe I’m getting played. Maybe I’m in a sex-induced haze and all I care about is the next time I can get Rhett naked, when really he might be the one who’s set on destroying me.

  Yeah, right. I’m totally fooling myself.

  “I don’t know…” My voice drifts and I stare at my phone, unsure of how to answer him. I don’t want him to whisk me away on a special holiday vacation so he can make me feel special. I’m trying to distance myself from him. I’ve been trying to do that for a while, ever since I realized I can’t go through with my original plan.

  Yet that never seems to work. Just last night I said all sorts of horrible things about him right after we had sex, to his face, yet he still wanted to be with me. We had sex again after I totally insulted him. What’s wrong with this guy?

  The bigger question is: what’s wrong with me? Why do I keep trying to sabotage us? Why won’t I let this happen?

  Oh, maybe because I’ve told him a pack of lies since the moment we met and I don’t want to get caught? Yeah, that’s probably it. The longer I stay with him, the more it’s going to hurt. The lies will be revealed. I can never doubt that. And once they are, he’ll hate me forever. I can’t stand the thought.

  This is why I should bail. Now.

  “Come on. It’ll be fun. We’ll go somewhere, maybe on the coast. Get a hotel room with a giant bed and never leave it.” He chuckles, the sound extra sexy for some reason, and I immediately take the phone off speaker and hold it up to my ear. “I want to be alone with you,” I hear him say.

  My face flushes hot and I hope Savannah doesn’t notice. “You’re always alone with me.”

  “What I really mean is, I don’t want to spend Thanksgiving with my family.” He lowers his voice. “I want to show my thanks to you.”

  I laugh. I can’t help it. He’s flirting with me and being cute, and when he’s like this I don’t feel like I’m being played. I start imagining he actually cares for me. “Your dad asked you to come over for Thanksgiving dinner. He even invited me.”

  That still blows my mind, that I have Daddy’s approval. I thought Parker Montgomery was a mean asshole, but I guess I was wrong about that too.

  “I don’t want to go there,” Rhett says, his tone final.

  “Why not?” I’m genuinely confused by his behavior.

  He hesitates, and I almost wonder if he’s scrambling for a reason. “I’m pissed at my brother.”

  “So? I bet you’re always pissed at your brother. Plus, Addie will be disappointed if you don’t show up.” Not that I really want to go. I don’t want to deal with my—mother. God, it’s so difficult to think of Diane as the one who actually gave birth to me. And really, why would I want to be with the very woman who so carelessly left me behind? Who still treats me like absolute shit, not that she knows who I really am.

  “She’ll live,” Rhett reassures me. “I’ll make her a deal and we’ll spend Christmas with the fam.”

  He uses “we” so easily. So carelessly. There’s no way I want to spend Christmas with his family. I’d be awkward and uncomfortable, and I would probably annoy Rhett. I’d have to buy them gifts, and I don’t have much money. In fact, I need to find a job. I can’t live off Savannah’s generosity forever.

  “I can’t,” I murmur, hoping he doesn’t ask any questions.

  But this is Rhett and he loves to ask questions. “Why? You have plans? Are you going to see your family?”

  “
I told you I have no family,” I snap.

  “I’m sorry. I, uh, I forgot.” He does a quick subject change. “Listen, I really think we should go out of town for the weekend. We can leave Thursday afternoon and just drive until we get tired and want to stop. Let’s go on an adventure.”

  I’m tempted. So tempted.

  “Maybe.” I look over at Savannah, who’s gesturing and whispering at me. Frowning, I tilt my head and she mouths, what is he saying?

  I hold up my hand in a wait movement and concentrate on Rhett.

  “Spending Thanksgiving with my family is overrated. Diane doesn’t even cook the meal. She has the dinner catered every single time. Park will pick a fight and I bet Addie won’t stick around long. She’ll probably end up at Trent’s house and spend the holiday with his family,” he says.

  Is it wrong that after hearing him describe the holiday with his family, I kind of want to spend Thanksgiving with the Montgomerys? Because honestly, I have no idea what it’s like to have a real holiday with a real family. It was always just my father and me, and no one else around. I don’t remember what it was like when my mother was still with us. When we were still a complete family.

  As every year passed, our so-called holiday celebrations got worse and worse. To the point where I barely acknowledged a holiday when it came upon us, especially Christmas. We didn’t put up a tree or lights or decorations. I didn’t give my father any gifts, and he didn’t give me any either. The most I got was when my friends and I exchanged a little something at school, and that one year when my math teacher felt sorry for me and gave me a tin of Christmas cookies someone else had brought for her.

  Depressing, I know.

  But I contradict myself too. It’s like the more Rhett tries to convince me, the more resistant I get.

  “I feel like you’re running away from your problems,” I tell him.

  He’s quiet for a moment, and I know I just offended him. I’m nervous, though this is the right thing to do. Make him mad, get in a fight, force him to end it. Would he really end it that easily? A girl can hope. I can’t keep letting him have little pieces of my heart. Soon he’ll have the entire thing, and then what will I do?

  “You should have plenty of experience with that,” he says snottily. “The running away part.”

  Whoa. “That was mean.”

  “What you said was mean too. Listen, I gotta go. We’ll talk about this later.” He ends the call before I can say another word.

  I drop the phone on the coffee table in front of me and sink into the couch with a heavy sigh.

  “What happened?” Savannah asks.

  “He hung up on me.” I can’t believe he did that, but then again, I can. “I think I pissed him off.”

  “I’m guessing you piss him off on a daily basis?” Savannah’s brows are up, like she’s expecting me to agree with her. But I can’t.

  “See, that’s the weird thing. I’ve said some pretty awful stuff to him, and he still doesn’t seem to mind. Like, he puts up with me and I’m terrible. Last time we were together, I gave him some big story about how he’s going to end up married to a boring society wife with too much Botox and they’ll have a bunch of brats and he’ll cheat on her on the side. And then I climbed into his lap and it was like what I said to him turned him on. The next thing you know, we’re having sex again,” I explain. I sound like a crazy person.

  “Maybe he considers that foreplay?”

  I grab a throw pillow and toss it at Savannah, making her laugh. “I don’t understand him.” The moment the words leave my mouth, I hear how sad and almost desperate I sound. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I really do wish I understood Rhett, or what motivates him. He’s so confusing sometimes, but I can guarantee I confuse him too.

  “You want me to be honest?” Savannah asks, her voice hesitant.

  “Go for it,” I say warily.

  “I don’t understand you. You have this guy who’s totally hot, who’s totally rich, and he’s also totally nice. He’s so into you, Jen. You two fuck like bunnies every chance you get, he introduced you to his family—which is freaking huge, let me tell you—yet you keep pushing him away.” Savannah slowly shakes her head. “Don’t be dumb and do something you might regret. Keep this guy around, Jen. He could change your life for the better.”

  Savannah doesn’t know my deepest, darkest secret. Once that’s revealed, I’ll be the one changing Rhett’s life. And not in a good way either. And I’m already full of regret. My middle name could be regret, I have so much of it.

  “I’m a fucked up mess. Trust me, he doesn’t want me in his life.”

  “No, you don’t seem to get it. I don’t think any of that matters to him. You’ve showed him all your ugly scars, he knows you’ve worked as a topless waitress, that you’re broke, that you’re not some rich snot who’ll please Mommy and Daddy with your pedigree, yet he still seems to want you. That’s so amazing. He seems amazing. Or he’s a total psychopath who’s going to lure you into his trap and then eventually kill you.” Savannah starts laughing.

  “He’s not a psychopath,” I reassure her with a frown. Let’s be real. I’m probably the one who’s a psychopath.

  “Okay, then. What’s the problem? And don’t say you are,” she adds when she sees me open my mouth, ready to blast myself. “You’re not that bad, Jen. I don’t care what you say. You’re not a total bitch. You’re in college, trying to better yourself. You’re just…trying to get by, you know?”

  “I’ve made bad choices,” I admit.

  “Haven’t we all?”

  “Not Rhett.”

  “Oh, come on. No one’s that perfect. I’m guessing he hasn’t told you about all his bad choices yet.”

  “No, I really think he’s that good of a person. He never makes bad choices. He does what’s right every single time.” Unlike me. I make the worst choices ever every single time, never caring about the consequences. If I hurt someone, so what? That’s life.

  Rhett makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to choose right, instead of constantly messing up, acting on impulse. Always reacting versus taking something in and coming up with a plan of action.

  But it’s too late for us. I’ve already messed up, betrayed him in the worst way, and he doesn’t even know it yet. I’m a terrible person who doesn’t deserve Rhett Montgomery in her life. To keep seeing him would be stringing him along, and that’s not fair. To Rhett or to me. I need to end it. I keep trying, but he keeps coming back around.

  I need to do something to finish it between us once and for all. Clean and easy break so we can both get on with our lives and forget each other.

  “Just—think about what you’re doing, Jen. If you’re smart, you’ll stop pushing him away. You keep that up, he’ll eventually leave you forever,” Savannah says just before she gets off the couch and heads for the kitchen. “You want something to eat?” she calls over her shoulder.

  “No thanks.” I’m not hungry. My stomach is too twisted up with my overwrought emotions. What the hell does Savannah know anyway? Maybe I want to push Rhett away for good. What’s the point in keeping him around? Once he finds out my secret, he’ll be so angry, so hurt, he’ll never want to see me again.

  And that’s fine.

  Really.

  Rhett

  I haven’t heard from Jensen since I ended our call without warning her yesterday. It’s so typical that she hasn’t reached out to me since. She had a lot of nerve, telling me I was running away from my feelings. She’s the queen of that shit.

  As time goes on, I start to wonder. And worry. Where is she? Is she okay? I tell myself not to care, yet it’s all I can do. Like the sadist I am, I give in and try to call her, but she won’t call me back, and she won’t respond to my texts either. She’s avoiding me and I’ve been busy too, but I’m here.

  Right now. Standing on her front porch and pounding my fist on the door. It swings open before I’ve even finished knocking and there’s Savannah, her expression g
oing from friendly to completely closed off the moment she sets eyes on me. “Oh. Hey. Um, you looking for Jen? I’m not sure where she’s at ri—”

  Jensen magically appears behind her, proving Savannah wrong. “You should leave,” she tells me, her gaze unwavering.

  What the ever loving… “Nice greeting,” I say sarcastically.

  Savannah steps out of the way before she gets caught up in our argument. “I’ll let you two hash this out,” she murmurs before she darts back into the apartment.

  “I didn’t realize there’s anything to hash out,” I tell Jensen once Savannah’s gone.

  “There’s not. I just…” She glances over her shoulder before stepping out onto the front porch, closing the door behind her. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore, Rhett. This isn’t working out.”

  I’m stunned speechless. My lips part, my brain races with all sorts of things I should say, but I can’t come up with anything. I thought we were okay. I know we just had a minor argument, but big deal. Couples have arguments all the time. We’ve been getting closer. It’s getting good, becoming real.

  But maybe it was only getting good and becoming real for me.

  “It’s been fun, and I’ll never forget you, but this…isn’t a good idea anymore. We’re too different.” Like she doesn’t expect me to protest, she turns, her hand on the door handle, ready to push herself back inside the apartment, but I stop her from fleeing. I brace one hand on the door, the other going to her waist, my body pinning her in place, her back to my front.

  “Come on, Jensen, are you serious? Are you really trying to break up with me?” I lean in close, my hand leaving her waist to push her hair away from her neck, exposing the sensitive skin. “Just a few words from you, and I’m supposed to leave?”

  “That’s how it’s usually done.” Her voice is shaky, and a trembling exhale leaves her when I dip my head, my mouth right at her ear.

  “Why do you keep doing this?” God, her scent drives me wild. She’s saying the craziest shit yet I still want her so damn bad. It’s like I first set eyes on her and I’m immediately horny, every single time. It’s ridiculous.