Our Mutual Friend

  Chapter 11

  PODSNAPPERY

  Mr Podsnap was well to do, and stood very high in Mr Podsnap's opinion.Beginning with a good inheritance, he had married a good inheritance,and had thriven exceedingly in the Marine Insurance way, and wasquite satisfied. He never could make out why everybody was not quitesatisfied, and he felt conscious that he set a brilliant social examplein being particularly well satisfied with most things, and, above allother things, with himself.

  Thus happily acquainted with his own merit and importance, Mr Podsnapsettled that whatever he put behind him he put out of existence. Therewas a dignified conclusiveness--not to add a grand convenience--inthis way of getting rid of disagreeables which had done much towardsestablishing Mr Podsnap in his lofty place in Mr Podsnap's satisfaction.'I don't want to know about it; I don't choose to discuss it; I don'tadmit it!' Mr Podsnap had even acquired a peculiar flourish of hisright arm in often clearing the world of its most difficult problems, bysweeping them behind him (and consequently sheer away) with those wordsand a flushed face. For they affronted him.

  Mr Podsnap's world was not a very large world, morally; no, nor evengeographically: seeing that although his business was sustained uponcommerce with other countries, he considered other countries, with thatimportant reservation, a mistake, and of their manners and customs wouldconclusively observe, 'Not English!' when, PRESTO! with a flourish ofthe arm, and a flush of the face, they were swept away. Elsewise, theworld got up at eight, shaved close at a quarter-past, breakfasted atnine, went to the City at ten, came home at half-past five, and dinedat seven. Mr Podsnap's notions of the Arts in their integrity might havebeen stated thus. Literature; large print, respectfully descriptive ofgetting up at eight, shaving close at a quarter past, breakfastingat nine, going to the City at ten, coming home at half-past five,and dining at seven. Painting and Sculpture; models and portraitsrepresenting Professors of getting up at eight, shaving close at aquarter past, breakfasting at nine, going to the City at ten, cominghome at half-past five, and dining at seven. Music; a respectableperformance (without variations) on stringed and wind instruments,sedately expressive of getting up at eight, shaving close at a quarterpast, breakfasting at nine, going to the City at ten, coming home athalf-past five, and dining at seven. Nothing else to be permitted tothose same vagrants the Arts, on pain of excommunication. Nothing elseTo Be--anywhere!

  As a so eminently respectable man, Mr Podsnap was sensible of its beingrequired of him to take Providence under his protection. Consequently healways knew exactly what Providence meant. Inferior and less respectablemen might fall short of that mark, but Mr Podsnap was always up to it.And it was very remarkable (and must have been very comfortable) thatwhat Providence meant, was invariably what Mr Podsnap meant.

  These may be said to have been the articles of a faith and schoolwhich the present chapter takes the liberty of calling, after itsrepresentative man, Podsnappery. They were confined within close bounds,as Mr Podsnap's own head was confined by his shirt-collar; and theywere enunciated with a sounding pomp that smacked of the creaking of MrPodsnap's own boots.

  There was a Miss Podsnap. And this young rocking-horse was being trainedin her mother's art of prancing in a stately manner without ever gettingon. But the high parental action was not yet imparted to her, andin truth she was but an undersized damsel, with high shoulders, lowspirits, chilled elbows, and a rasped surface of nose, who seemed totake occasional frosty peeps out of childhood into womanhood, and toshrink back again, overcome by her mother's head-dress and her fatherfrom head to foot--crushed by the mere dead-weight of Podsnappery.

  A certain institution in Mr Podsnap's mind which he called 'the youngperson' may be considered to have been embodied in Miss Podsnap, hisdaughter. It was an inconvenient and exacting institution, as requiringeverything in the universe to be filed down and fitted to it. Thequestion about everything was, would it bring a blush into the cheek ofthe young person? And the inconvenience of the young person was, that,according to Mr Podsnap, she seemed always liable to burst intoblushes when there was no need at all. There appeared to be no line ofdemarcation between the young person's excessive innocence, and anotherperson's guiltiest knowledge. Take Mr Podsnap's word for it, and thesoberest tints of drab, white, lilac, and grey, were all flaming red tothis troublesome Bull of a young person.

  The Podsnaps lived in a shady angle adjoining Portman Square. They werea kind of people certain to dwell in the shade, wherever they dwelt.Miss Podsnap's life had been, from her first appearance on this planet,altogether of a shady order; for, Mr Podsnap's young person was likelyto get little good out of association with other young persons, and hadtherefore been restricted to companionship with not very congenial olderpersons, and with massive furniture. Miss Podsnap's early views of lifebeing principally derived from the reflections of it in her father'sboots, and in the walnut and rosewood tables of the dim drawing-rooms,and in their swarthy giants of looking-glasses, were of a sombre cast;and it was not wonderful that now, when she was on most days solemnlytooled through the Park by the side of her mother in a great tallcustard-coloured phaeton, she showed above the apron of that vehiclelike a dejected young person sitting up in bed to take a startled lookat things in general, and very strongly desiring to get her head underthe counterpane again.

  Said Mr Podsnap to Mrs Podsnap, 'Georgiana is almost eighteen.'

  Said Mrs Podsnap to Mr Podsnap, assenting, 'Almost eighteen.'

  Said Mr Podsnap then to Mrs Podsnap, 'Really I think we should have somepeople on Georgiana's birthday.'

  Said Mrs Podsnap then to Mr Podsnap, 'Which will enable us to clear offall those people who are due.'

  So it came to pass that Mr and Mrs Podsnap requested the honour of thecompany of seventeen friends of their souls at dinner; and that theysubstituted other friends of their souls for such of the seventeenoriginal friends of their souls as deeply regretted that a priorengagement prevented their having the honour of dining with Mr and MrsPodsnap, in pursuance of their kind invitation; and that Mrs Podsnapsaid of all these inconsolable personages, as she checked them off witha pencil in her list, 'Asked, at any rate, and got rid of;' and thatthey successfully disposed of a good many friends of their souls in thisway, and felt their consciences much lightened.

  There were still other friends of their souls who were not entitled tobe asked to dinner, but had a claim to be invited to come and take ahaunch of mutton vapour-bath at half-past nine. For the clearing offof these worthies, Mrs Podsnap added a small and early evening to thedinner, and looked in at the music-shop to bespeak a well-conductedautomaton to come and play quadrilles for a carpet dance.

  Mr and Mrs Veneering, and Mr and Mrs Veneering's bran-new bride andbridegroom, were of the dinner company; but the Podsnap establishmenthad nothing else in common with the Veneerings. Mr Podsnap couldtolerate taste in a mushroom man who stood in need of that sortof thing, but was far above it himself. Hideous solidity was thecharacteristic of the Podsnap plate. Everything was made to look asheavy as it could, and to take up as much room as possible. Everythingsaid boastfully, 'Here you have as much of me in my ugliness as if Iwere only lead; but I am so many ounces of precious metal worth so muchan ounce;--wouldn't you like to melt me down?' A corpulent straddlingepergne, blotched all over as if it had broken out in an eruption ratherthan been ornamented, delivered this address from an unsightly silverplatform in the centre of the table. Four silver wine-coolers, eachfurnished with four staring heads, each head obtrusively carrying a bigsilver ring in each of its ears, conveyed the sentiment up and down thetable, and handed it on to the pot-bellied silver salt-cellars. All thebig silver spoons and forks widened the mouths of the company expresslyfor the purpose of thrusting the sentiment down their throats with everymorsel they ate.

  The majority of the guests were like the plate, and included severalheavy articles weighing ever so much. But there was a foreign gentlemanamong them: whom Mr Podsnap had invited after much debate withhimself--believing the whole Europe
an continent to be in mortal allianceagainst the young person--and there was a droll disposition, not only onthe part of Mr Podsnap but of everybody else, to treat him as if he werea child who was hard of hearing.

  As a delicate concession to this unfortunately-born foreigner, MrPodsnap, in receiving him, had presented his wife as 'Madame Podsnap;'also his daughter as 'Mademoiselle Podsnap,' with some inclination toadd 'ma fille,' in which bold venture, however, he checked himself. TheVeneerings being at that time the only other arrivals, he had added (ina condescendingly explanatory manner), 'Monsieur Vey-nair-reeng,' andhad then subsided into English.

  'How Do You Like London?' Mr Podsnap now inquired from his station ofhost, as if he were administering something in the nature of a powder orpotion to the deaf child; 'London, Londres, London?'

  The foreign gentleman admired it.

  'You find it Very Large?' said Mr Podsnap, spaciously.

  The foreign gentleman found it very large.

  'And Very Rich?'

  The foreign gentleman found it, without doubt, enormement riche.

  'Enormously Rich, We say,' returned Mr Podsnap, in a condescendingmanner. 'Our English adverbs do Not terminate in Mong, and We Pronouncethe "ch" as if there were a "t" before it. We say Ritch.'

  'Reetch,' remarked the foreign gentleman.

  'And Do You Find, Sir,' pursued Mr Podsnap, with dignity, 'ManyEvidences that Strike You, of our British Constitution in the Streets OfThe World's Metropolis, London, Londres, London?'

  The foreign gentleman begged to be pardoned, but did not altogetherunderstand.

  'The Constitution Britannique,' Mr Podsnap explained, as if he wereteaching in an infant school. 'We Say British, But You Say Britannique,You Know' (forgivingly, as if that were not his fault). 'TheConstitution, Sir.'

  The foreign gentleman said, 'Mais, yees; I know eem.'

  A youngish sallowish gentleman in spectacles, with a lumpy forehead,seated in a supplementary chair at a corner of the table, here causeda profound sensation by saying, in a raised voice, 'ESKER,' and thenstopping dead.

  'Mais oui,' said the foreign gentleman, turning towards him. 'Est-ceque? Quoi donc?'

  But the gentleman with the lumpy forehead having for the time deliveredhimself of all that he found behind his lumps, spake for the time nomore.

  'I Was Inquiring,' said Mr Podsnap, resuming the thread of hisdiscourse, 'Whether You Have Observed in our Streets as We should say,Upon our Pavvy as You would say, any Tokens--'

  The foreign gentleman, with patient courtesy entreated pardon; 'But whatwas tokenz?'

  'Marks,' said Mr Podsnap; 'Signs, you know, Appearances--Traces.'

  'Ah! Of a Orse?' inquired the foreign gentleman.

  'We call it Horse,' said Mr Podsnap, with forbearance. 'In England,Angleterre, England, We Aspirate the "H," and We Say "Horse." Only ourLower Classes Say "Orse!"'

  'Pardon,' said the foreign gentleman; 'I am alwiz wrong!'

  'Our Language,' said Mr Podsnap, with a gracious consciousness of beingalways right, 'is Difficult. Ours is a Copious Language, and Trying toStrangers. I will not Pursue my Question.'

  But the lumpy gentleman, unwilling to give it up, again madly said,'ESKER,' and again spake no more.

  'It merely referred,' Mr Podsnap explained, with a sense of meritoriousproprietorship, 'to Our Constitution, Sir. We Englishmen are Very Proudof our Constitution, Sir. It Was Bestowed Upon Us By Providence. NoOther Country is so Favoured as This Country.'

  'And ozer countries?--' the foreign gentleman was beginning, when MrPodsnap put him right again.

  'We do not say Ozer; we say Other: the letters are "T" and "H;" You sayTay and Aish, You Know; (still with clemency). The sound is "th"--"th!"'

  'And OTHER countries,' said the foreign gentleman. 'They do how?'

  'They do, Sir,' returned Mr Podsnap, gravely shaking his head; 'theydo--I am sorry to be obliged to say it--AS they do.'

  'It was a little particular of Providence,' said the foreign gentleman,laughing; 'for the frontier is not large.'

  'Undoubtedly,' assented Mr Podsnap; 'But So it is. It was the Charterof the Land. This Island was Blest, Sir, to the Direct Exclusion ofsuch Other Countries as--as there may happen to be. And if we were allEnglishmen present, I would say,' added Mr Podsnap, looking round uponhis compatriots, and sounding solemnly with his theme, 'that there is inthe Englishman a combination of qualities, a modesty, an independence,a responsibility, a repose, combined with an absence of everythingcalculated to call a blush into the cheek of a young person, which onewould seek in vain among the Nations of the Earth.'

  Having delivered this little summary, Mr Podsnap's face flushed, as hethought of the remote possibility of its being at all qualified byany prejudiced citizen of any other country; and, with his favouriteright-arm flourish, he put the rest of Europe and the whole of Asia,Africa, and America nowhere.

  The audience were much edified by this passage of words; and Mr Podsnap,feeling that he was in rather remarkable force to-day, became smilingand conversational.

  'Has anything more been heard, Veneering,' he inquired, 'of the luckylegatee?'

  'Nothing more,' returned Veneering, 'than that he has come intopossession of the property. I am told people now call him The GoldenDustman. I mentioned to you some time ago, I think, that the young ladywhose intended husband was murdered is daughter to a clerk of mine?'

  'Yes, you told me that,' said Podsnap; 'and by-the-bye, I wish you wouldtell it again here, for it's a curious coincidence--curious that thefirst news of the discovery should have been brought straight to yourtable (when I was there), and curious that one of your people shouldhave been so nearly interested in it. Just relate that, will you?'

  Veneering was more than ready to do it, for he had prospered exceedinglyupon the Harmon Murder, and had turned the social distinction itconferred upon him to the account of making several dozen of bran-newbosom-friends. Indeed, such another lucky hit would almost have set himup in that way to his satisfaction. So, addressing himself to the mostdesirable of his neighbours, while Mrs Veneering secured the next mostdesirable, he plunged into the case, and emerged from it twenty minutesafterwards with a Bank Director in his arms. In the mean time, MrsVeneering had dived into the same waters for a wealthy Ship-Broker, andhad brought him up, safe and sound, by the hair. Then Mrs Veneering hadto relate, to a larger circle, how she had been to see the girl, and howshe was really pretty, and (considering her station) presentable.And this she did with such a successful display of her eight aquilinefingers and their encircling jewels, that she happily laid hold of adrifting General Officer, his wife and daughter, and not only restoredtheir animation which had become suspended, but made them lively friendswithin an hour.

  Although Mr Podsnap would in a general way have highly disapproved ofBodies in rivers as ineligible topics with reference to the cheek of theyoung person, he had, as one may say, a share in this affair which madehim a part proprietor. As its returns were immediate, too, in the wayof restraining the company from speechless contemplation of thewine-coolers, it paid, and he was satisfied.

  And now the haunch of mutton vapour-bath having received a gameyinfusion, and a few last touches of sweets and coffee, was quite ready,and the bathers came; but not before the discreet automaton had gotbehind the bars of the piano music-desk, and there presented theappearance of a captive languishing in a rose-wood jail. And who nowso pleasant or so well assorted as Mr and Mrs Alfred Lammle, he allsparkle, she all gracious contentment, both at occasional intervalsexchanging looks like partners at cards who played a game against AllEngland.

  There was not much youth among the bathers, but there was no youth(the young person always excepted) in the articles of Podsnappery. Baldbathers folded their arms and talked to Mr Podsnap on the hearthrug;sleek-whiskered bathers, with hats in their hands, lunged at Mrs Podsnapand retreated; prowling bathers, went about looking into ornamentalboxes and bowls as if they had suspicions of larceny on the part of thePodsnaps, and expected to
find something they had lost at the bottom;bathers of the gentler sex sat silently comparing ivory shoulders. Allthis time and always, poor little Miss Podsnap, whose tiny efforts (ifshe had made any) were swallowed up in the magnificence of her mother'srocking, kept herself as much out of sight and mind as she could,and appeared to be counting on many dismal returns of the day. It wassomehow understood, as a secret article in the state proprieties ofPodsnappery that nothing must be said about the day. Consequently thisyoung damsel's nativity was hushed up and looked over, as if it wereagreed on all hands that it would have been better that she had neverbeen born.

  The Lammles were so fond of the dear Veneerings that they could not forsome time detach themselves from those excellent friends; but at length,either a very open smile on Mr Lammle's part, or a very secret elevationof one of his gingerous eyebrows--certainly the one or the other--seemedto say to Mrs Lammle, 'Why don't you play?' And so, looking about her,she saw Miss Podsnap, and seeming to say responsively, 'That card?' andto be answered, 'Yes,' went and sat beside Miss Podsnap.

  Mrs Lammle was overjoyed to escape into a corner for a little quiettalk.

  It promised to be a very quiet talk, for Miss Podsnap replied in aflutter, 'Oh! Indeed, it's very kind of you, but I am afraid I DON'Ttalk.'

  'Let us make a beginning,' said the insinuating Mrs Lammle, with herbest smile.

  'Oh! I am afraid you'll find me very dull. But Ma talks!'

  That was plainly to be seen, for Ma was talking then at her usualcanter, with arched head and mane, opened eyes and nostrils.

  'Fond of reading perhaps?'

  'Yes. At least I--don't mind that so much,' returned Miss Podsnap.

  'M-m-m-m-music.' So insinuating was Mrs Lammle that she got half a dozenms into the word before she got it out.

  'I haven't nerve to play even if I could. Ma plays.'

  (At exactly the same canter, and with a certain flourishing appearanceof doing something, Ma did, in fact, occasionally take a rock upon theinstrument.)

  'Of course you like dancing?'

  'Oh no, I don't,' said Miss Podsnap.

  'No? With your youth and attractions? Truly, my dear, you surprise me!'

  'I can't say,' observed Miss Podsnap, after hesitating considerably, andstealing several timid looks at Mrs Lammle's carefully arranged face,'how I might have liked it if I had been a--you won't mention it, WILLyou?'

  'My dear! Never!'

  'No, I am sure you won't. I can't say then how I should have liked it,if I had been a chimney-sweep on May-day.'

  'Gracious!' was the exclamation which amazement elicited from MrsLammle.

  'There! I knew you'd wonder. But you won't mention it, will you?'

  'Upon my word, my love,' said Mrs Lammle, 'you make me ten times moredesirous, now I talk to you, to know you well than I was when I sat overyonder looking at you. How I wish we could be real friends! Try me as areal friend. Come! Don't fancy me a frumpy old married woman, my dear;I was married but the other day, you know; I am dressed as a bride now,you see. About the chimney-sweeps?'

  'Hush! Ma'll hear.'

  'She can't hear from where she sits.'

  'Don't you be too sure of that,' said Miss Podsnap, in a lower voice.'Well, what I mean is, that they seem to enjoy it.'

  'And that perhaps you would have enjoyed it, if you had been one ofthem?'

  Miss Podsnap nodded significantly.

  'Then you don't enjoy it now?'

  'How is it possible?' said Miss Podsnap. 'Oh it is such a dreadfulthing! If I was wicked enough--and strong enough--to kill anybody, itshould be my partner.'

  This was such an entirely new view of the Terpsichorean art associally practised, that Mrs Lammle looked at her young friend in someastonishment. Her young friend sat nervously twiddling her fingers ina pinioned attitude, as if she were trying to hide her elbows. But thislatter Utopian object (in short sleeves) always appeared to be the greatinoffensive aim of her existence.

  'It sounds horrid, don't it?' said Miss Podsnap, with a penitentialface.

  Mrs Lammle, not very well knowing what to answer, resolved herself intoa look of smiling encouragement.

  'But it is, and it always has been,' pursued Miss Podsnap, 'such a trialto me! I so dread being awful. And it is so awful! No one knows whatI suffered at Madame Sauteuse's, where I learnt to dance and makepresentation-curtseys, and other dreadful things--or at least where theytried to teach me. Ma can do it.'

  'At any rate, my love,' said Mrs Lammle, soothingly, 'that's over.'

  'Yes, it's over,' returned Miss Podsnap, 'but there's nothing gained bythat. It's worse here, than at Madame Sauteuse's. Ma was there, and Ma'shere; but Pa wasn't there, and company wasn't there, and there were notreal partners there. Oh there's Ma speaking to the man at the piano! Ohthere's Ma going up to somebody! Oh I know she's going to bring himto me! Oh please don't, please don't, please don't! Oh keep away, keepaway, keep away!' These pious ejaculations Miss Podsnap uttered with hereyes closed, and her head leaning back against the wall.

  But the Ogre advanced under the pilotage of Ma, and Ma said, 'Georgiana,Mr Grompus,' and the Ogre clutched his victim and bore her off to hiscastle in the top couple. Then the discreet automaton who had surveyedhis ground, played a blossomless tuneless 'set,' and sixteen disciplesof Podsnappery went through the figures of - 1, Getting up at eight andshaving close at a quarter past - 2, Breakfasting at nine - 3, Going tothe City at ten - 4, Coming home at half-past five - 5, Dining at seven,and the grand chain.

  While these solemnities were in progress, Mr Alfred Lammle (most lovingof husbands) approached the chair of Mrs Alfred Lammle (most loving ofwives), and bending over the back of it, trifled for some few secondswith Mrs Lammle's bracelet. Slightly in contrast with this brief airytoying, one might have noticed a certain dark attention in Mrs Lammle'sface as she said some words with her eyes on Mr Lammle's waistcoat, andseemed in return to receive some lesson. But it was all done as a breathpasses from a mirror.

  And now, the grand chain riveted to the last link, the discreetautomaton ceased, and the sixteen, two and two, took a walk amongthe furniture. And herein the unconsciousness of the Ogre Grompus waspleasantly conspicuous; for, that complacent monster, believing thathe was giving Miss Podsnap a treat, prolonged to the utmost stretchof possibility a peripatetic account of an archery meeting; while hisvictim, heading the procession of sixteen as it slowly circled about,like a revolving funeral, never raised her eyes except once to steal aglance at Mrs Lammle, expressive of intense despair.

  At length the procession was dissolved by the violent arrival of anutmeg, before which the drawing-room door bounced open as if it were acannon-ball; and while that fragrant article, dispersed through severalglasses of coloured warm water, was going the round of society, MissPodsnap returned to her seat by her new friend.

  'Oh my goodness,' said Miss Podsnap. 'THAT'S over! I hope you didn'tlook at me.'

  'My dear, why not?'

  'Oh I know all about myself,' said Miss Podsnap.

  'I'll tell you something I know about you, my dear,' returned Mrs Lammlein her winning way, 'and that is, you are most unnecessarily shy.'

  'Ma ain't,' said Miss Podsnap. '--I detest you! Go along!' This shotwas levelled under her breath at the gallant Grompus for bestowing aninsinuating smile upon her in passing.

  'Pardon me if I scarcely see, my dear Miss Podsnap,' Mrs Lammle wasbeginning when the young lady interposed.

  'If we are going to be real friends (and I suppose we are, for you arethe only person who ever proposed it) don't let us be awful. It's awfulenough to BE Miss Podsnap, without being called so. Call me Georgiana.'

  'Dearest Georgiana,' Mrs Lammle began again.

  'Thank you,' said Miss Podsnap.

  'Dearest Georgiana, pardon me if I scarcely see, my love, why yourmamma's not being shy, is a reason why you should be.'

  'Don't you really see that?' asked Miss Podsnap, plucking at her fingersin a troubled manner, and furtively casting her eyes now
on Mrs Lammle,now on the ground. 'Then perhaps it isn't?'

  'My dearest Georgiana, you defer much too readily to my poor opinion.Indeed it is not even an opinion, darling, for it is only a confessionof my dullness.'

  'Oh YOU are not dull,' returned Miss Podsnap. 'I am dull, but youcouldn't have made me talk if you were.'

  Some little touch of conscience answering this perception of her havinggained a purpose, called bloom enough into Mrs Lammle's face to make itlook brighter as she sat smiling her best smile on her dear Georgiana,and shaking her head with an affectionate playfulness. Not that it meantanything, but that Georgiana seemed to like it.

  'What I mean is,' pursued Georgiana, 'that Ma being so endowed withawfulness, and Pa being so endowed with awfulness, and there beingso much awfulness everywhere--I mean, at least, everywhere where Iam--perhaps it makes me who am so deficient in awfulness, and frightenedat it--I say it very badly--I don't know whether you can understand whatI mean?'

  'Perfectly, dearest Georgiana!' Mrs Lammle was proceeding with everyreassuring wile, when the head of that young lady suddenly went backagainst the wall again and her eyes closed.

  'Oh there's Ma being awful with somebody with a glass in his eye! Oh Iknow she's going to bring him here! Oh don't bring him, don't bring him!Oh he'll be my partner with his glass in his eye! Oh what shall I do!'This time Georgiana accompanied her ejaculations with taps of her feetupon the floor, and was altogether in quite a desperate condition. But,there was no escape from the majestic Mrs Podsnap's production of anambling stranger, with one eye screwed up into extinction and the otherframed and glazed, who, having looked down out of that organ, as if hedescried Miss Podsnap at the bottom of some perpendicular shaft, broughther to the surface, and ambled off with her. And then the captive at thepiano played another 'set,' expressive of his mournful aspirations afterfreedom, and other sixteen went through the former melancholy motions,and the ambler took Miss Podsnap for a furniture walk, as if he hadstruck out an entirely original conception.

  In the mean time a stray personage of a meek demeanour, who had wanderedto the hearthrug and got among the heads of tribes assembled there inconference with Mr Podsnap, eliminated Mr Podsnap's flush andflourish by a highly unpolite remark; no less than a reference to thecircumstance that some half-dozen people had lately died in the streets,of starvation. It was clearly ill-timed after dinner. It was not adaptedto the cheek of the young person. It was not in good taste.

  'I don't believe it,' said Mr Podsnap, putting it behind him.

  The meek man was afraid we must take it as proved, because there werethe Inquests and the Registrar's returns.

  'Then it was their own fault,' said Mr Podsnap.

  Veneering and other elders of tribes commended this way out of it. Atonce a short cut and a broad road.

  The man of meek demeanour intimated that truly it would seem fromthe facts, as if starvation had been forced upon the culprits inquestion--as if, in their wretched manner, they had made their weakprotests against it--as if they would have taken the liberty of stavingit off if they could--as if they would rather not have been starved uponthe whole, if perfectly agreeable to all parties.

  'There is not,' said Mr Podsnap, flushing angrily, 'there is not acountry in the world, sir, where so noble a provision is made for thepoor as in this country.'

  The meek man was quite willing to concede that, but perhaps itrendered the matter even worse, as showing that there must be somethingappallingly wrong somewhere.

  'Where?' said Mr Podsnap.

  The meek man hinted Wouldn't it be well to try, very seriously, to findout where?

  'Ah!' said Mr Podsnap. 'Easy to say somewhere; not so easy to saywhere! But I see what you are driving at. I knew it from the first.Centralization. No. Never with my consent. Not English.'

  An approving murmur arose from the heads of tribes; as saying, 'Thereyou have him! Hold him!'

  He was not aware (the meek man submitted of himself) that he was drivingat any ization. He had no favourite ization that he knew of. But hecertainly was more staggered by these terrible occurrences than he wasby names, of howsoever so many syllables. Might he ask, was dying ofdestitution and neglect necessarily English?

  'You know what the population of London is, I suppose,' said Mr Podsnap.

  The meek man supposed he did, but supposed that had absolutely nothingto do with it, if its laws were well administered.

  'And you know; at least I hope you know;' said Mr Podsnap, withseverity, 'that Providence has declared that you shall have the pooralways with you?'

  The meek man also hoped he knew that.

  'I am glad to hear it,' said Mr Podsnap with a portentous air. 'I amglad to hear it. It will render you cautious how you fly in the face ofProvidence.'

  In reference to that absurd and irreverent conventional phrase, the meekman said, for which Mr Podsnap was not responsible, he the meek man hadno fear of doing anything so impossible; but--

  But Mr Podsnap felt that the time had come for flushing and flourishingthis meek man down for good. So he said:

  'I must decline to pursue this painful discussion. It is not pleasant tomy feelings; it is repugnant to my feelings. I have said that I do notadmit these things. I have also said that if they do occur (not that Iadmit it), the fault lies with the sufferers themselves. It is not forME'--Mr Podsnap pointed 'me' forcibly, as adding by implication thoughit may be all very well for YOU--'it is not for me to impugn theworkings of Providence. I know better than that, I trust, and I havementioned what the intentions of Providence are. Besides,' saidMr Podsnap, flushing high up among his hair-brushes, with a strongconsciousness of personal affront, 'the subject is a very disagreeableone. I will go so far as to say it is an odious one. It is not one to beintroduced among our wives and young persons, and I--' He finished withthat flourish of his arm which added more expressively than any words,And I remove it from the face of the earth.

  Simultaneously with this quenching of the meek man's ineffectual fire;Georgiana having left the ambler up a lane of sofa, in a No Thoroughfareof back drawing-room, to find his own way out, came back to Mrs Lammle.And who should be with Mrs Lammle, but Mr Lammle. So fond of her!

  'Alfred, my love, here is my friend. Georgiana, dearest girl, you mustlike my husband next to me.'

  Mr Lammle was proud to be so soon distinguished by this specialcommendation to Miss Podsnap's favour. But if Mr Lammle were prone to bejealous of his dear Sophronia's friendships, he would be jealous of herfeeling towards Miss Podsnap.

  'Say Georgiana, darling,' interposed his wife.

  'Towards--shall I?--Georgiana.' Mr Lammle uttered the name, with adelicate curve of his right hand, from his lips outward. 'For never haveI known Sophronia (who is not apt to take sudden likings) so attractedand so captivated as she is by--shall I once more?--Georgiana.'

  The object of this homage sat uneasily enough in receipt of it, and thensaid, turning to Mrs Lammle, much embarrassed:

  'I wonder what you like me for! I am sure I can't think.'

  'Dearest Georgiana, for yourself. For your difference from all aroundyou.'

  'Well! That may be. For I think I like you for your difference from allaround me,' said Georgiana with a smile of relief.

  'We must be going with the rest,' observed Mrs Lammle, rising with ashow of unwillingness, amidst a general dispersal. 'We are real friends,Georgiana dear?'

  'Real.'

  'Good night, dear girl!'

  She had established an attraction over the shrinking nature upon whichher smiling eyes were fixed, for Georgiana held her hand while sheanswered in a secret and half-frightened tone:

  'Don't forget me when you are gone away. And come again soon. Goodnight!'

  Charming to see Mr and Mrs Lammle taking leave so gracefully, and goingdown the stairs so lovingly and sweetly. Not quite so charming to seetheir smiling faces fall and brood as they dropped moodily into separatecorners of their little carriage. But to be sure that was a sight behindthe scenes, which nob
ody saw, and which nobody was meant to see.

  Certain big, heavy vehicles, built on the model of the Podsnap plate,took away the heavy articles of guests weighing ever so much; and theless valuable articles got away after their various manners; and thePodsnap plate was put to bed. As Mr Podsnap stood with his back to thedrawing-room fire, pulling up his shirtcollar, like a veritable cockof the walk literally pluming himself in the midst of his possessions,nothing would have astonished him more than an intimation that MissPodsnap, or any other young person properly born and bred, could not beexactly put away like the plate, brought out like the plate, polishedlike the plate, counted, weighed, and valued like the plate. That sucha young person could possibly have a morbid vacancy in the heart foranything younger than the plate, or less monotonous than the plate;or that such a young person's thoughts could try to scale the regionbounded on the north, south, east, and west, by the plate; was amonstrous imagination which he would on the spot have flourished intospace. This perhaps in some sort arose from Mr Podsnap's blushing youngperson being, so to speak, all cheek; whereas there is a possibilitythat there may be young persons of a rather more complex organization.

  If Mr Podsnap, pulling up his shirt-collar, could only have heardhimself called 'that fellow' in a certain short dialogue, which passedbetween Mr and Mrs Lammle in their opposite corners of their littlecarriage, rolling home!

  'Sophronia, are you awake?'

  'Am I likely to be asleep, sir?'

  'Very likely, I should think, after that fellow's company. Attend towhat I am going to say.'

  'I have attended to what you have already said, have I not? What elsehave I been doing all to-night.'

  'Attend, I tell you,' (in a raised voice) 'to what I am going to say.Keep close to that idiot girl. Keep her under your thumb. You have herfast, and you are not to let her go. Do you hear?'

  'I hear you.'

  'I foresee there is money to be made out of this, besides taking thatfellow down a peg. We owe each other money, you know.'

  Mrs Lammle winced a little at the reminder, but only enough to shake herscents and essences anew into the atmosphere of the little carriage, asshe settled herself afresh in her own dark corner.