Our Mutual Friend

  Chapter 3

  THE GOLDEN DUSTMAN SINKS AGAIN

  The evening of that day being one of the reading evenings at the Bower,Mr Boffin kissed Mrs Boffin after a five o'clock dinner, and trottedout, nursing his big stick in both arms, so that, as of old, it seemedto be whispering in his ear. He carried so very attentive an expressionon his countenance that it appeared as if the confidential discourse ofthe big stick required to be followed closely. Mr Boffin's face was likethe face of a thoughtful listener to an intricate communication, and, introtting along, he occasionally glanced at that companion with the lookof a man who was interposing the remark: 'You don't mean it!'

  Mr Boffin and his stick went on alone together, until they arrived atcertain cross-ways where they would be likely to fall in with any onecoming, at about the same time, from Clerkenwell to the Bower. Here theystopped, and Mr Boffin consulted his watch.

  'It wants five minutes, good, to Venus's appointment,' said he. 'I'mrather early.'

  But Venus was a punctual man, and, even as Mr Boffin replaced his watchin its pocket, was to be descried coming towards him. He quickened hispace on seeing Mr Boffin already at the place of meeting, and was soonat his side.

  'Thank'ee, Venus,' said Mr Boffin. 'Thank'ee, thank'ee, thank'ee!'

  It would not have been very evident why he thanked the anatomist, butfor his furnishing the explanation in what he went on to say.

  'All right, Venus, all right. Now, that you've been to see me, and haveconsented to keep up the appearance before Wegg of remaining in it for atime, I have got a sort of a backer. All right, Venus. Thank'ee, Venus.Thank'ee, thank'ee, thank'ee!'

  Mr Venus shook the proffered hand with a modest air, and they pursuedthe direction of the Bower.

  'Do you think Wegg is likely to drop down upon me to-night, Venus?'inquired Mr Boffin, wistfully, as they went along.

  'I think he is, sir.'

  'Have you any particular reason for thinking so, Venus?'

  'Well, sir,' returned that personage, 'the fact is, he has given meanother look-in, to make sure of what he calls our stock-in-trade beingcorrect, and he has mentioned his intention that he was not to be putoff beginning with you the very next time you should come. And this,'hinted Mr Venus, delicately, 'being the very next time, you know, sir--'

  --'Why, therefore you suppose he'll turn to at the grindstone, eh,Wegg?' said Mr Boffin.

  'Just so, sir.'

  Mr Boffin took his nose in his hand, as if it were already excoriated,and the sparks were beginning to fly out of that feature. 'He's aterrible fellow, Venus; he's an awful fellow. I don't know how ever Ishall go through with it. You must stand by me, Venus like a good manand true. You'll do all you can to stand by me, Venus; won't you?'

  Mr Venus replied with the assurance that he would; and Mr Boffin,looking anxious and dispirited, pursued the way in silence until theyrang at the Bower gate. The stumping approach of Wegg was soon heardbehind it, and as it turned upon its hinges he became visible with hishand on the lock.

  'Mr Boffin, sir?' he remarked. 'You're quite a stranger!'

  'Yes. I've been otherwise occupied, Wegg.'

  'Have you indeed, sir?' returned the literary gentleman, with athreatening sneer. 'Hah! I've been looking for you, sir, rather what Imay call specially.'

  'You don't say so, Wegg?'

  'Yes, I do say so, sir. And if you hadn't come round to me tonight, dashmy wig if I wouldn't have come round to you tomorrow. Now! I tell you!'

  'Nothing wrong, I hope, Wegg?'

  'Oh no, Mr Boffin,' was the ironical answer. 'Nothing wrong! What shouldbe wrong in Boffinses Bower! Step in, sir.'

  '"If you'll come to the Bower I've shaded for you, Your bed shan't be roses all spangled with doo: Will you, will you, will you, will you, come to the Bower? Oh, won't you, won't you, won't you, won't you, come to the Bower?"'

  An unholy glare of contradiction and offence shone in the eyes of MrWegg, as he turned the key on his patron, after ushering him into theyard with this vocal quotation. Mr Boffin's air was crestfallen andsubmissive. Whispered Wegg to Venus, as they crossed the yard behindhim: 'Look at the worm and minion; he's down in the mouth already.'Whispered Venus to Wegg: 'That's because I've told him. I've preparedthe way for you.'

  Mr Boffin, entering the usual chamber, laid his stick upon the settleusually reserved for him, thrust his hands into his pockets, and,with his shoulders raised and his hat drooping back upon them, lookingdisconsolately at Wegg. 'My friend and partner, Mr Venus, gives me tounderstand,' remarked that man of might, addressing him, 'that you areaware of our power over you. Now, when you have took your hat off, we'llgo into that pint.'

  Mr Boffin shook it off with one shake, so that it dropped on the floorbehind him, and remained in his former attitude with his former ruefullook upon him.

  'First of all, I'm a-going to call you Boffin, for short,' said Wegg.'If you don't like it, it's open to you to lump it.'

  'I don't mind it, Wegg,' Mr Boffin replied.

  'That's lucky for you, Boffin. Now, do you want to be read to?'

  'I don't particularly care about it to-night, Wegg.'

  'Because if you did want to,' pursued Mr Wegg, the brilliancy of whosepoint was dimmed by his having been unexpectedly answered: 'you wouldn'tbe. I've been your slave long enough. I'm not to be trampled under-footby a dustman any more. With the single exception of the salary, Irenounce the whole and total sitiwation.'

  'Since you say it is to be so, Wegg,' returned Mr Boffin, with foldedhands, 'I suppose it must be.'

  'I suppose it must be,' Wegg retorted. 'Next (to clear the ground beforecoming to business), you've placed in this yard a skulking, a sneaking,and a sniffing, menial.'

  'He hadn't a cold in his head when I sent him here,' said Mr Boffin.

  'Boffin!' retorted Wegg, 'I warn you not to attempt a joke with me!'

  Here Mr Venus interposed, and remarked that he conceived Mr Boffin tohave taken the description literally; the rather, forasmuch as he, MrVenus, had himself supposed the menial to have contracted an afflictionor a habit of the nose, involving a serious drawback on the pleasures ofsocial intercourse, until he had discovered that Mr Wegg's descriptionof him was to be accepted as merely figurative.

  'Anyhow, and every how,' said Wegg, 'he has been planted here, and heis here. Now, I won't have him here. So I call upon Boffin, before I sayanother word, to fetch him in and send him packing to the right-about.'

  The unsuspecting Sloppy was at that moment airing his many buttonswithin view of the window. Mr Boffin, after a short interval ofimpassive discomfiture, opened the window and beckoned him to come in.

  'I call upon Boffin,' said Wegg, with one arm a-kimbo and his head onone side, like a bullying counsel pausing for an answer from a witness,'to inform that menial that I am Master here!'

  In humble obedience, when the button-gleaming Sloppy entered Mr Boffinsaid to him: 'Sloppy, my fine fellow, Mr Wegg is Master here. He doesn'twant you, and you are to go from here.'

  'For good!' Mr Wegg severely stipulated.

  'For good,' said Mr Boffin.

  Sloppy stared, with both his eyes and all his buttons, and his mouthwide open; but was without loss of time escorted forth by Silas Wegg,pushed out at the yard gate by the shoulders, and locked out.

  'The atomspear,' said Wegg, stumping back into the room again, alittle reddened by his late exertion, 'is now freer for the purposes ofrespiration. Mr Venus, sir, take a chair. Boffin, you may sit down.'

  Mr Boffin, still with his hands ruefully stuck in his pockets, sat onthe edge of the settle, shrunk into a small compass, and eyed the potentSilas with conciliatory looks.

  'This gentleman,' said Silas Wegg, pointing out Venus, 'this gentleman,Boffin, is more milk and watery with you than I'll be. But he hasn'tborne the Roman yoke as I have, nor yet he hasn't been required topander to your depraved appetite for miserly characters.'

  'I never meant, my dear Wegg--' Mr Boffin was beginning, whe
n Silasstopped him.

  'Hold your tongue, Boffin! Answer when you're called upon to answer.You'll find you've got quite enough to do. Now, you're aware--areyou--that you're in possession of property to which you've no right atall? Are you aware of that?'

  'Venus tells me so,' said Mr Boffin, glancing towards him for anysupport he could give.

  'I tell you so,' returned Silas. 'Now, here's my hat, Boffin, and here'smy walking-stick. Trifle with me, and instead of making a bargain withyou, I'll put on my hat and take up my walking-stick, and go out, andmake a bargain with the rightful owner. Now, what do you say?'

  'I say,' returned Mr Boffin, leaning forward in alarmed appeal, with hishands on his knees, 'that I am sure I don't want to trifle. Wegg. I havesaid so to Venus.'

  'You certainly have, sir,' said Venus.

  'You're too milk and watery with our friend, you are indeed,'remonstrated Silas, with a disapproving shake of his wooden head. 'Thenat once you confess yourself desirous to come to terms, do you Boffin?Before you answer, keep this hat well in your mind and also thiswalking-stick.'

  'I am willing, Wegg, to come to terms.'

  'Willing won't do, Boffin. I won't take willing. Are you desirous tocome to terms? Do you ask to be allowed as a favour to come to terms?'Mr Wegg again planted his arm, and put his head on one side.

  'Yes.'

  'Yes what?' said the inexorable Wegg: 'I won't take yes. I'll have itout of you in full, Boffin.'

  'Dear me!' cried that unfortunate gentleman. 'I am so worrited! I ask tobe allowed to come to terms, supposing your document is all correct.'

  'Don't you be afraid of that,' said Silas, poking his head at him. 'Youshall be satisfied by seeing it. Mr Venus will show it you, and I'llhold you the while. Then you want to know what the terms are. Isthat about the sum and substance of it? Will you or won't you answer,Boffin?' For he had paused a moment.

  'Dear me!' cried that unfortunate gentleman again, 'I am worrited tothat degree that I'm almost off my head. You hurry me so. Be so good asname the terms, Wegg.'

  'Now, mark, Boffin,' returned Silas: 'Mark 'em well, because they'rethe lowest terms and the only terms. You'll throw your Mound (the littleMound as comes to you any way) into the general estate, and then you'lldivide the whole property into three parts, and you'll keep one and handover the others.'

  Mr Venus's mouth screwed itself up, as Mr Boffin's face lengtheneditself, Mr Venus not having been prepared for such a rapacious demand.

  'Now, wait a bit, Boffin,' Wegg proceeded, 'there's something more.You've been a squandering this property--laying some of it out onyourself. THAT won't do. You've bought a house. You'll be charged forit.'

  'I shall be ruined, Wegg!' Mr Boffin faintly protested.

  'Now, wait a bit, Boffin; there's something more. You'll leave me insole custody of these Mounds till they're all laid low. If any waluablesshould be found in 'em, I'll take care of such waluables. You'll produceyour contract for the sale of the Mounds, that we may know to a pennywhat they're worth, and you'll make out likewise an exact list ofall the other property. When the Mounds is cleared away to the lastshovel-full, the final diwision will come off.'

  'Dreadful, dreadful, dreadful! I shall die in a workhouse!' cried theGolden Dustman, with his hands to his head.

  'Now, wait a bit, Boffin; there's something more. You've been unlawfullyferreting about this yard. You've been seen in the act of ferretingabout this yard. Two pair of eyes at the present moment brought to bearupon you, have seen you dig up a Dutch bottle.'

  'It was mine, Wegg,' protested Mr Boffin. 'I put it there myself.'

  'What was in it, Boffin?' inquired Silas.

  'Not gold, not silver, not bank notes, not jewels, nothing that youcould turn into money, Wegg; upon my soul!'

  'Prepared, Mr Venus,' said Wegg, turning to his partner with a knowingand superior air, 'for an ewasive answer on the part of our dusty friendhere, I have hit out a little idea which I think will meet your views.We charge that bottle against our dusty friend at a thousand pound.'

  Mr Boffin drew a deep groan.

  'Now, wait a bit, Boffin; there's something more. In your employmentis an under-handed sneak, named Rokesmith. It won't answer to have HIMabout, while this business of ours is about. He must be discharged.'

  'Rokesmith is already discharged,' said Mr Boffin, speaking in a muffledvoice, with his hands before his face, as he rocked himself on thesettle.

  'Already discharged, is he?' returned Wegg, surprised. 'Oh! Then,Boffin, I believe there's nothing more at present.'

  The unlucky gentleman continuing to rock himself to and fro, and toutter an occasional moan, Mr Venus besought him to bear up against hisreverses, and to take time to accustom himself to the thought of his newposition. But, his taking time was exactly the thing of all others thatSilas Wegg could not be induced to hear of. 'Yes or no, and no halfmeasures!' was the motto which that obdurate person many times repeated;shaking his fist at Mr Boffin, and pegging his motto into the floor withhis wooden leg, in a threatening and alarming manner.

  At length, Mr Boffin entreated to be allowed a quarter of an hour'sgrace, and a cooling walk of that duration in the yard. With somedifficulty Mr Wegg granted this great favour, but only on conditionthat he accompanied Mr Boffin in his walk, as not knowing what he mightfraudulently unearth if he were left to himself. A more absurd sightthan Mr Boffin in his mental irritation trotting very nimbly, and MrWegg hopping after him with great exertion, eager to watch the slightestturn of an eyelash, lest it should indicate a spot rich with somesecret, assuredly had never been seen in the shadow of the Mounds. MrWegg was much distressed when the quarter of an hour expired, and camehopping in, a very bad second.

  'I can't help myself!' cried Mr Boffin, flouncing on the settle in aforlorn manner, with his hands deep in his pockets, as if his pocketshad sunk. 'What's the good of my pretending to stand out, when I can'thelp myself? I must give in to the terms. But I should like to see thedocument.'

  Wegg, who was all for clinching the nail he had so strongly driven home,announced that Boffin should see it without an hour's delay. Taking himinto custody for that purpose, or overshadowing him as if he really werehis Evil Genius in visible form, Mr Wegg clapped Mr Boffin's hatupon the back of his head, and walked him out by the arm, asserting aproprietorship over his soul and body that was at once more grim andmore ridiculous than anything in Mr Venus's rare collection. Thatlight-haired gentleman followed close upon their heels, at least backingup Mr Boffin in a literal sense, if he had not had recent opportunitiesof doing so spiritually; while Mr Boffin, trotting on as hard as hecould trot, involved Silas Wegg in frequent collisions with the public,much as a pre-occupied blind man's dog may be seen to involve hismaster.

  Thus they reached Mr Venus's establishment, somewhat heated by thenature of their progress thither. Mr Wegg, especially, was in a flamingglow, and stood in the little shop, panting and mopping his head withhis pocket-handkerchief, speechless for several minutes.

  Meanwhile, Mr Venus, who had left the duelling frogs to fight it out inhis absence by candlelight for the public delectation, put the shuttersup. When all was snug, and the shop-door fastened, he said to theperspiring Silas: 'I suppose, Mr Wegg, we may now produce the paper?'

  'Hold on a minute, sir,' replied that discreet character; 'hold on aminute. Will you obligingly shove that box--which you mentioned on aformer occasion as containing miscellanies--towards me in the midst ofthe shop here?'

  Mr Venus did as he was asked.

  'Very good,' said Silas, looking about: 've--ry good. Will you hand methat chair, sir, to put a-top of it?'

  Venus handed him the chair.

  'Now, Boffin,' said Wegg, 'mount up here and take your seat, will you?'

  Mr Boffin, as if he were about to have his portrait painted, or to beelectrified, or to be made a Freemason, or to be placed at any othersolitary disadvantage, ascended the rostrum prepared for him.

  'Now, Mr Venus,' said Silas, taking off his coat, 'whe
n I catches ourfriend here round the arms and body, and pins him tight to the back ofthe chair, you may show him what he wants to see. If you'll open it andhold it well up in one hand, sir, and a candle in the other, he can readit charming.'

  Mr Boffin seemed rather inclined to object to these precautionaryarrangements, but, being immediately embraced by Wegg, resigned himself.Venus then produced the document, and Mr Boffin slowly spelt it outaloud: so very slowly, that Wegg, who was holding him in the chairwith the grip of a wrestler, became again exceedingly the worse for hisexertions. 'Say when you've put it safe back, Mr Venus,' he uttered withdifficulty, 'for the strain of this is terrimenjious.'

  At length the document was restored to its place; and Wegg, whoseuncomfortable attitude had been that of a very persevering manunsuccessfully attempting to stand upon his head, took a seat to recoverhimself. Mr Boffin, for his part, made no attempt to come down, butremained aloft disconsolate.

  'Well, Boffin!' said Wegg, as soon as he was in a condition to speak.'Now, you know.'

  'Yes, Wegg,' said Mr Boffin, meekly. 'Now, I know.'

  'You have no doubts about it, Boffin.'

  'No, Wegg. No, Wegg. None,' was the slow and sad reply.

  'Then, take care, you,' said Wegg, 'that you stick to your conditions.Mr Venus, if on this auspicious occasion, you should happen to have adrop of anything not quite so mild as tea in the 'ouse, I think I'd takethe friendly liberty of asking you for a specimen of it.'

  Mr Venus, reminded of the duties of hospitality, produced some rum.In answer to the inquiry, 'Will you mix it, Mr Wegg?' that gentlemanpleasantly rejoined, 'I think not, sir. On so auspicious an occasion, Iprefer to take it in the form of a Gum-Tickler.'

  Mr Boffin, declining rum, being still elevated on his pedestal, was ina convenient position to be addressed. Wegg having eyed him with animpudent air at leisure, addressed him, therefore, while refreshinghimself with his dram.

  'Bof--fin!'

  'Yes, Wegg,' he answered, coming out of a fit of abstraction, with asigh.

  'I haven't mentioned one thing, because it's a detail that comes ofcourse. You must be followed up, you know. You must be kept underinspection.'

  'I don't quite understand,' said Mr Boffin.

  'Don't you?' sneered Wegg. 'Where's your wits, Boffin? Till the Moundsis down and this business completed, you're accountable for all theproperty, recollect. Consider yourself accountable to me. Mr Venus herebeing too milk and watery with you, I am the boy for you.'

  'I've been a-thinking,' said Mr Boffin, in a tone of despondency, 'thatI must keep the knowledge from my old lady.'

  'The knowledge of the diwision, d'ye mean?' inquired Wegg, helpinghimself to a third Gum-Tickler--for he had already taken a second.

  'Yes. If she was to die first of us two she might then think all herlife, poor thing, that I had got the rest of the fortune still, and wassaving it.'

  'I suspect, Boffin,' returned Wegg, shaking his head sagaciously, andbestowing a wooden wink upon him, 'that you've found out some accountof some old chap, supposed to be a Miser, who got himself the credit ofhaving much more money than he had. However, I don't mind.'

  'Don't you see, Wegg?' Mr Boffin feelingly represented to him: 'don'tyou see? My old lady has got so used to the property. It would be such ahard surprise.'

  'I don't see it at all,' blustered Wegg. 'You'll have as much as Ishall. And who are you?'

  'But then, again,' Mr Boffin gently represented; 'my old lady has veryupright principles.'

  'Who's your old lady,' returned Wegg, 'to set herself up for havinguprighter principles than mine?'

  Mr Boffin seemed a little less patient at this point than at any otherof the negotiations. But he commanded himself, and said tamely enough:'I think it must be kept from my old lady, Wegg.'

  'Well,' said Wegg, contemptuously, though, perhaps, perceiving some hintof danger otherwise, 'keep it from your old lady. I ain't going to tellher. I can have you under close inspection without that. I'm as good aman as you, and better. Ask me to dinner. Give me the run of your 'ouse.I was good enough for you and your old lady once, when I helped you outwith your weal and hammers. Was there no Miss Elizabeth, Master George,Aunt Jane, and Uncle Parker, before YOU two?'

  'Gently, Mr Wegg, gently,' Venus urged.

  'Milk and water-erily you mean, sir,' he returned, with some littlethickness of speech, in consequence of the Gum-Ticklers having tickledit. 'I've got him under inspection, and I'll inspect him.

  "Along the line the signal ran England expects as this present man Will keep Boffin to his duty."

  --Boffin, I'll see you home.'

  Mr Boffin descended with an air of resignation, and gave himself up,after taking friendly leave of Mr Venus. Once more, Inspector andInspected went through the streets together, and so arrived at MrBoffin's door.

  But even there, when Mr Boffin had given his keeper good-night, and hadlet himself in with his key, and had softly closed the door, even thereand then, the all-powerful Silas must needs claim another assertion ofhis newly-asserted power.

  'Bof--fin!' he called through the keyhole.

  'Yes, Wegg,' was the reply through the same channel.

  'Come out. Show yourself again. Let's have another look at you!'Mr Boffin--ah, how fallen from the high estate of his honestsimplicity!--opened the door and obeyed.

  'Go in. You may get to bed now,' said Wegg, with a grin.

  The door was hardly closed, when he again called through the keyhole:'Bof--fin!'

  'Yes, Wegg.'

  This time Silas made no reply, but laboured with a will at turning animaginary grindstone outside the keyhole, while Mr Boffin stooped at itwithin; he then laughed silently, and stumped home.