Die, My Love

My eyes pop open as we fall forward off the edge. Ben lets go of my hands and he’s lost to me, not that his whereabouts is my focus. The ground rushes up to meet me frighteningly fast and my arms and legs circle in front of me in a blind panic. The white canopy of the dome rushes by, the lights blur, and sound becomes a melody nearly drowned out by the sound of my petrified screaming. Oh god, I’m having flashes of a CSI team scraping up my spattered remains.

  ‘Love, let go. Let it happen.’

  Placing my trust in Ben, and myself, I let go and instinct takes over. My torso twists and I summersault around until my legs are beneath me, my arms out to my side. I land squarely on my feet. Pain jolts up my legs from my heels and my spine creaks in protest, the base of my skull tingling. Gravity keeps on tugging me down and I fall onto my hands and knees, struggling to breathe. Yeah, I land on my feet, but damn does it hurt. My whole body trembles as I flex my toes, hearing the joints pop. Maybe it would hurt less if I were wearing shoes. I take another deep breath and stand up looking for Ben.

  Windswept, he holds the flailing woman in a headlock, waiting for me. There is a look of fierce pride on his expression as he shoves the girl in my direction. “Feed, love. Your body needs it.”

  The woman quakes in my arms. Her mascara has slipped down her face with her tears, leaving her with bloodshot panda eyes, and her lip-gloss is smeared to demented clown proportions. She looks pitiful in her too low top and too short skirt. Her fake tan fails to hide the deathly pallor of her skin. She peeks up at me with undiluted fear, the sharp stink of it wafts from her, and I find my body reacting to it. Her blood thunders, heart racing, and the smell of her blood beneath her skin is a siren call. My face changes, fangs lengthening and grazing my bottom lip. My throat contracts and burns like fire. Oh goodness, my tongue is dry, parched. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. I lower my head and yank her head to the side. I place my lips at her throat; feel her pulse beat wildly against them. My toes curl and my stomach cramps, rumbling loudly … so tempting. I clench my jaw in a one jerky move and pierce the bulging vein in her neck, cringing as I do. But once the hot, wet blood splashes against the inner curve of my cheeks, I suck harder. Her blood gushes, coats the back of my throat, and I groan when the burn is extinguished. I clutch her to me, swallow, and my brain ricochets off the inside of my skull. This new extra part of me attaches itself to something unseen inside of her and draws energy from it. I feel revitalized the longer it leeches off her, so I throw more power and focus into taking whatever it is that makes me feel so good. I feel amazing, powerful, and strong. No, I’m not only drinking her blood, but stealing some of her soul, I think. As it sinks into me, it nourishes the twisted shell of what is left of my own.

  Ben wrenches me away and the woman folds in on herself. I snarl at him, ready to go for the jugular. “Control yourself,” he growls, arm extended towards me hand fisted. “I promised you no death, and I mean to keep that promise.”

  His gorgeous voice penetrates the fog of hunger, and I shudder, reining myself in. “She’s alive?” I ask in a deep voice tainted with yearning.

  Ben watches me warily. “She lives, and will be nothing but a little anaemic, which will right itself over a short time. You drank much.”

  I look away as Ben picks her up and places her on a nearby bench. He pulls her skirt down to cover her modesty and places her handbag under her head to keep it safe. Huh. He treats female prey with more care than male. Thumbing her eyelids back, he speaks in a low calming voice. He tells her to forget what she has seen, and convinces her she and her partner had too much to drink and became separated. He also tells her to avoid secluded areas at night. Once done, he comes back to me and looks me over.

  I wipe away the blood on my mouth, and strangely, I want to cry. How horrible I am now! That was violent, and creepy, but I liked it. I feel better. Stronger. How sick is that? Oh, but this is what I asked for isn’t it? To be with Ben forever, like this, always.

  Was it bad that I got off on her fear? Her terror made the feeding more pleasurable for me.

  “Ah, love. You have seen me feed before. You know what we are, and what our instincts demand of us. What you felt was natural.” Ben enfolds me in a hug. “My first night, I slaughtered an entire household. I was monstrous. I was evil incarnate. You did not even kill your first prey. You are special, kind, and amazingly restrained.”

  I hug him tighter. “I wanted to kill her,” I confess in a tiny voice. “I wanted to feel her neck snap, hear the bones crack, and swallow her blood and soul until I was bursting with them.” A sob tears from my throat. “I still do. And I cry not because this sickens me, but because I want it so badly I taste it, hear it. Oh Ben, I never realised…” I’m unable to go on.

  “I … I am not sure what you need from me.” He sounds miserable, and I hang my head in shame, because I caused this unhappiness. “I knew this would be hard for one as kind hearted as you, but I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t think I can. It will always be like this, maybe worse. It is what we are, how we live. You knew that I killed and now you know why. The urge not only to feed, but to take life, rides you hard and never lets up.”

  Hmm. Well, I’ve proved I’m able to feed without killing. If Ben always makes sure I don’t go too far maybe I don’t have to feel so guilty. And if I control myself maybe Ben can too.

  “And what of the rest of our kind?” Ben asks. “Do you think they will find it easy to change millennia of habit?”

  I’m taken aback by the tone of his voice. Releasing my hold on his waist, I step away, confusion painted across my expression. “I’m not asking for anybody else to change. I would hope you wouldn’t kill anymore, but I can’t force you. Or anybody else for that matter. Why would they listen to me anyway?”

  “You’re the Child. They would feel compelled to follow your example and it would go against every hunting instinct they have to not kill.” I scowl, becoming more confused. “You still don’t understand,” Ben says and runs a hand over his face. “You are not important to the others, you are everything. They will do what you say in all things, even if it goes against their nature.”

  Erm, I still don’t get it! Why wouldn’t he spit it out?

  “It’s more complicated than that,” he snaps and walks off down the bank away from the dome. “For the past month as you turned, I have been resisting Daniel, protecting you from him. He’s waiting for the opportunity to declare me unfit to be your guide in this life.”

  I struggle to catch up. “Okay, well, so far you haven’t done anything wrong.”

  He laughs without mirth, his agitation becoming increasing obvious. “The car accident? The Lycans catching us on their land? No doubt they will tell their Alpha.”

  I grin smugly. “No. Harmony said she wouldn’t tell if we didn’t.”

  “Harmony is whom?”

  “That was her name, the she-wolf. She was nice.”

  Ben’s face twists into a dumbfounded look before he shakes his head, muttering to himself. “This will mean our meeting with the others will happen much sooner than I anticipated. Daniel has already openly expressed dissatisfaction with this union, and he does have followers, as inconceivable as it seems.”

  “I think you’re blowing this whole thing out of proportion. Why don’t we–”

  “Will you be quiet for a moment so I can think!”

  I’m stunned. Ben has never spoken to me like this before. I– I don’t know what to do. I wrap my arms around myself, feeling absurdly emotional, and blink back tears. Crying blood in the middle of Docklands would not be a good idea, I don’t think. I turn to look out over the Thames and keep blinking until I think I have a better hold on everything; then lean on the railing, trying to figure out if I was in the wrong here or him. No, I had done nothing. He was being ill mannered and an asshole because he felt guilty about something. Ben had a tendency to turn nasty once he felt guilty, I could see that now. Oh love, why won’t you talk to me? Explain things. I rub my head, trying to access little bits of
information knocking around in my head, but it feels like I’m dunking myself into a vast sea of words, drowning in them. I pull back.

  ‘You will hate me.’ The quiet thought is laced with grief and I fight to hold back tears again.

  How could I ever…? I mean … I just…! I’m so taken aback at how horrible this night is becoming I cannot think straight. Yes, this situation with the Lycans we bumped into might turn bad at some point, but from what I gathered there was a major history between the two races. If we offended them by going onto their territory we could make reparation, right?

  “Do you know why the Lycan sniffed you and then left?” Ben asks quietly, interjecting into my thoughts. “They ran because to touch you means death. Their kind despises ours, but we have not had an open war in centuries. There are rules we follow to keep the bloodshed to a minimum. To touch you would mean they would be torn apart by their own pack.”

  “But why?” I ask in earnest. “Explain, please.”

  “You carry the venom that can turn a human into one of us.”

  What the hell? That is it? I shrug, and make a sweeping motion with my hand. “So do you.”

  Ben smiles sadly. “Not anymore I don’t. I have turned you. The curse has passed on.”

  I blink and work this though my mind. His words don’t sound new to me, not that anything does anymore, with all this knowledge lurking in my head. It’s just a matter of accessing it. His words trigger a sort of understanding, and it comes to me in a sudden flash. “Eighteen generations,” I breathe, “but this bloodline isn’t one of many, is it? It’s the only bloodline.”

  “Yes, love, and its nineteen generations now.” Ben clasps my hand loosely in his. “For the next three hundred years, the curse will grow in potency in your blood, and after this time has passed you will carry enough venom and power to turn the next. If you die, our race ends. The energy of the Child sustains us; the curse is the crux of our life force. If you are no more, your energy would leave us and we would not be able to nourish ourselves unless we drink hundreds in one night, simply impossible. This is why the Child is protected devoutly without question by all of us.”

  “Daniel fought you.”

  “No. I fought him, threw myself in his way. He was trying to move around me to get to you. I forced him to fight to defend himself. All his moves were defensive. If he attacked me Simone and Adam would have destroyed him without hesitation. This is why the Lycans fear you, because to threaten the Child is to invite death. None of us would sleep until the one who harmed you was ripped to shreds.”

  “There are so few of us,” I whisper. “And that is why.”

  He nods. “I suppose it was a way to curb the spread of the curse. Can you imagine if we could turn as many people as we liked? No doubt the earth would be swarming with us. Humans would be cattle, nothing more than slaves and food. What a horrible world that would be.”

  Look at that, Lee. Afzal did say you misunderstood. What a responsibility. One you cannot escape or let go of until you pass this burden onto another.

  Can I be This Person? Ha! I have no choice, it’s what I am now isn’t it? How would I ever make such a choice? Condemn someone like that? Before this, I was never going to turn anybody. I could make the choice for myself, to forsake my soul and be with Ben, but I couldn’t damn another. Unbelievably, my kind follows the newborn, the Child, until the next is chosen and turned.

  They all followed me.

  Oh, this explains why Ben was so upset. If I stop killing, and order the rest to do so it will cause strife and dissention, especially with Daniel making waves. Could Daniel convince the others Ben was not guiding me properly? I knew that Simone and Adam were loyal, they had protected me from Daniel before, and stood with Ben. Will Iain and Afzal choose us? Would the rest? I don’t know them at all to make that kind of judgment call.

  Ben says nothing in reaction to my mental breakdown, and this makes me angrier. ‘Is this why you did not tell me? You tricked me!’

  “Now do you see how evil and monstrous I am? I wanted you so badly, the thought of not having you was enough to send me mad. I couldn’t bear the thought of you not being in my world, and so, I chained you to the dark, even knowing it would mean my life; that I would not be able to stay with you.”

  “Your life?”

  “Daniel means to get me out of the way, love. The moment you opened your eyes the power and influence that I had as the Child left me and filled you. The moment that happened the one thing stopping him from destroying me was cast aside.”

  “The others–”

  “Hold allegiance to you now not me. I am expendable if it means you would be safe.”

  I am … furious. Was he stupid? Insane? Daniel would try to harm him now in some sick attempt to control me, and what for? So that he can have a say in whom I turn next? Stupid man, I will never change another, I will die first.

  “He will force you. The poison will build in your system, and soon all you can think about is biting someone and making them like you. Daniel can be … most persuasive when he wants to be.”

  “Soon?” I brush his mind for the answer, impatient. Oh yes, the three hundred year benchmark? I know that time is vast, logically, but to my mind and body, so stuffed with life and knowledge, it feels right around the corner.

  I breathe in deeply, hold it, then let it go, exhaling all my frustration and anger with it. What else was I to do? It was done, I was like Ben now, and it was what I wanted. I had known there was something crucial he had not told me, but I had never dreamed … no, no! I would stop thinking of it as a negative. Tonight is the first night of my forever with Ben. It is a celebration.

  “Ben?” He turns to me, eyes filled with regret. Did he honestly think I would reject him? “Kiss me. Please.”

  A brilliant smile is beamed at me, then fear casts a dark shadow over his visage. Such extreme reactions play out but both are eventually replaced with relief. He cups the nape of my neck and slants his mouth over mine. Oh Ben! I will never give this feeling up. Never will I turn from you, darling. Have you not yet realised I’m not like other women? As long as you are honest and straight with me, I will withstand most things. I understand why you did not tell me. How huge and daunting. I would have given anything to have you as my man, and, I’m glad I did give everything to ensure you are.

  ‘He will take you from me.’ This thought is barely a whisper.

  I lean away to see real terror in Ben’s eyes. ‘Is he stronger?’

  ‘Much. It took him four hundred years to choose me. The longest anybody has ever taken. I have been nothing but a disappointment to him.’

  Okay, we get stronger with age. The only thing that gives me an upper hand on Daniel, on all of my kind, is the fact I’m untouchable because I hold the key to their continued survival.

  Lord Daniel has set his sights on owning me rather than killing me now has he? Such a deranged man, why all this drama?

  ‘He wants power.’ Ben strokes my arm. ‘Can you not feel it, the connection to us all? The headiness of knowing so little can harm you? It is difficult to go from being crucial to simply another face. Daniel wants power, nothing more. Men of his kind cannot be reasoned with or made to see sense other than what they have tricked themselves into believing.’

  “He will try to control me.”

  “Yes.”

  I place my hands on his shoulders. ‘Then we shall have to simply thwart his evil schemes and live happily ever after, hmm?’ I wiggle my eyebrows and give Ben a coy look.

  He laughs, his chin dimple showing. It’s sweet, a welcome sight, and I place a kiss on it.

  My dearest, it will be all right, don’t fret another moment. Daniel will never own me, I’ve already been claimed, and there will never be another for me. Besides, Daniel may be strong, but there are others who are stronger. Who is Daniel’s Sire? Maybe he or she will have the answer.

  ‘Anya, Daniel’s Sire, is with us no longer.’ Oh yes, Iain did tell me this, my lineage. Puzzled
, I try to find memory of Anya’s death and frown when I find nothing. Strangely enough, I have thoughts of a young blonde boy about fifteen years of age with warm brown eyes and a twitchy disposition. ‘Soon, you will learn that there are certain memories that you can … erase. I too looked for Daniel’s memories of her, and it appears he destroyed them all.’

  “I see a blonde boy when I think of Anya.”

  A smile breaks on Ben’s face. “You know his name. Think hard, love.”

  I do and it comes to me like bad reception on a TV, there are blank spots, and the images are skewed. “Sam? He was Anya’s descendant and Daniel hurt him … but he didn’t know Sam was related to Anya….” I stifle a curse as the memory slips from me. Ben smiles, as if he knows what’s happening. I narrow my eyes at him. Why you cheeky bugger!

  “I cannot tell you everything,” he laughs. “Some things you must learn by yourself.” Oh, I love to see him happy, but as quickly as this comic relief animated him, it fades. The happy look tumbles off his face and he’s worried again.

  Hmm. Daniel. A complicated man, I see, and up to no good where my Ben is concerned. There could be only one reason for his reckless and self-centred behaviour. After all, it was the emotion that triumphs over all and can tip the balance of even the most hopeless situation. If I remember correctly, when he came to my flat to kill me Daniel had let some of his anguish slip. “I think he loved her, and let her turn him, but after he killed her descendant she turned from him. Whatever happened next resulted in her death.”

  Ben brushes hair off my face and curls it around my ear. “You are quite perceptive.”

  “And she did not love him enough to forgive him his mistake?”

  He considers me for a while before answering. “There are some of us that believe we should not mate each other. That it is bound to end us one day. First Daniel and Anya, now you and me. I chose you because I love you, just like she chose him for love, and the thought of walking this earth without you is unbearable. What could I have done differently? I couldn’t risk you in my world as fragile as you were, and even after we parted, it was too late, you were already in too deep.”