Smack

  All he wanted us to do was lend him the bus fare. In the end we decided to put off any big decisions and just go for that walk. At least he might feel better by the river. We could go to a pub and get a few drinks down him. But time was getting on and we decided we’d better have some lunch first.

  We went to get it ready. I was in a right mess. I was appalled at what had happened. But one thing—he was himself again. He’d come back, all open and helpless, and I suppose that’s what won Sandra round in the end. But it was so sad, because it was being himself that he found so difficult to cope with.

  We chopped vegetables and talked about what to do. Sandra, bless her, wanted him to stay as long as he needed to. I remember standing there beaming to myself with pleasure and thinking, It’s the first time I’ve done this for weeks.

  But when we went through with the food he was gone.

  We ran round the house but his bag was gone from his room. I ran out on to the road but I couldn’t see him. I went one way, Sandra went another, but he was nowhere. So we ran back into the house, grabbed our keys and made for the car.

  “He can’t be at the bus station, he hasn’t got any money,” I said.

  Sandra said, “We’d better check my purse and your wallet.” I just looked at her, but she was right, he was desperate enough. We ran back in and Sandra spent ten minutes looking for her purse, but she found it in the end. The money was all there.

  “He must be hitching.”

  We jumped into her old Renault and headed off towards the motorway junction.

  We got to the roundabout—no one there. We stopped and got out of the car to see if he’d spotted us and hidden on the slip road, but he was definitely not there.

  Then I realised. “The other roundabout…”

  There are two in Reading.

  “But that’s miles away.”

  “Yes, but that’s where he got dropped off when he came, that’s where I picked him up. He might not even know about this one.”

  So off we went again. We got on to the motorway and drove up to the next turnoff. We drove around that roundabout, but he wasn’t there either. We got off the roundabout and drove back in towards town.

  He was walking down the road towards the junction. He didn’t try and hide. We pulled up, jumped out and ran towards him. Tar put down his bag and waited for us.

  “Got you!” I grinned. He smiled back wanly. I think he was pleased to see us.

  Well, we argued and argued all over again. Tar wasn’t interested. All he was willing to talk about was whether we were going to lend him the bus fare or whether he was going to hitch. It went on for ten minutes or more, but gradually it began to sink in on me—there was nothing we could say or do. He’d already given up in his mind.

  “But you can do it, other people do it,” Sandra kept saying.

  “It’s no worse than a dose of flu,” I reminded him.

  “And I can’t even cope with that,” said Tar.

  I sort of understood. That was how worthless he felt. It was poison and you knew it was poison. Maybe it was just like the flu, maybe it was even easy to stop, but he couldn’t do even that.

  “I’m going back to Bristol to get some heroin. You can’t stop me. All you can do to help me is lend me the money to get back on the bus.”

  “We’re not lending you anything,” said Sandra.

  Tar must have seen in my face what I was thinking. “Tell her,” he said.

  And I just shrugged. The thing was, if he hitched back it would be so miserable. It was a lousy day, cold, damp, he wasn’t dressed for it. But he’d freeze and get sodden for the sake of heroin, and what would that achieve? He’d just feel even more worthless and useless than if he caught the bus, because then at least he wouldn’t have to suffer for it.

  I tried to explain to Sandra, but she was more or less convinced anyway. He was so sure of himself, if you see what I mean.

  “I can’t give up for you,” Sandra said. “Or I would.” I rummaged in my pockets for the money. He was looking miles better all of a sudden, and I could have kicked him for it.

  Then we drove him to the bus station.

  “You did the right thing,” said Tar. And we both glanced at each other because it was like he’d pulled the wool over our eyes, because he was so pleased with himself. Maybe. Or maybe he was just glad that he didn’t have to hitch after all.

  We went with him to the station to wave him off. Sandra said, “Come back soon, any time you want to try again.”

  “Any time at all,” I said firmly.

  “Any time at all,” she agreed.

  Tar nodded his thanks and moved towards the bus. We stopped him to give him a goodbye hug and he waited while we did that. Then he climbed on board and the bus drove him off.

  Gemma

  Oh how could you ever let me down

  Now how could you ev-er let me down

  These promises (ah ahhhhhhhhhhhh)

  Were made for us (O-o-oho-o oh ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

  THE BUZZCOCKS

  I had a problem. Maybe I had a problem. I was waiting to see if I did when someone started pounding on the door and yelling. I leaped up and spilt tea down my front and scalded myself.

  I thought, Police! But it was a woman doing the yelling.

  It was a complete accident I was at home at all. I should have been at the parlour but I just couldn’t face it that day. This time it wasn’t the junk. My period was late. My period was late and my boobs felt sore and…

  That was absolutely the very last thing on this planet I wanted and now a monster was knocking on my door.

  I walked very quietly down the hall as if I wasn’t in.

  Bang bang bangbangbababababang…”

  I knew it wasn’t the police because it was so desperate. Then I heard the breathing. It was ragged breath. I mean, almost choking. Then, again—BANG BANG BANG—and the voice—“Please please please…”

  I ripped the door open and Lily fell on to me. She had Sunny in one arm. Lily slammed the door behind her, moaning and weeping.

  “What happened, Lily, are you all right?”

  She couldn’t talk. She could hardly talk. She had one hand on her throat. She gestured with that hand and I saw that her throat was red. She was only wearing her dressing-gown.

  “God…”

  I dragged her in and plonked her on the settee. I took Sunny off her. He was screaming his head off. Lily leaned over the side of the settee and threw up.

  I got the story slowly. It was a punter. He came up and he got her to undress and then he asked her to…something she didn’t want to do. When she said no, he grabbed her and shook her. Lily tried to scream to alert Rob, who always waited downstairs with a baseball bat in case there was any trouble, but the guy clapped his hand over her mouth. He shoved her over the bed and grabbed a pair of her old tights—her floor was always littered with clothes—and he put them round her neck and pulled them tight, really tight. He really pulled them tight.

  He kept half strangling her and then letting go, just enough for her to know he could kill her, really kill her, if she didn’t do what he wanted. She couldn’t scream. He let loose just enough for her to get a breath and then he’d squeeze tight again. He was doing these things to her while she was being strangled. At one point she got her hand under the tights and flipped over on to her back and kicked him off. He turned her over and he bent her arm right up her back until she thought he was going to break it. Then he got the tights back on again and carried on with what he was doing, all the time tightening the tights around her neck.

  When he’d finished he let her go and she tore the tights off and tried to scream. Her throat was wrecked, but she made some sort of noise. The bloke did his clothes back up and walked out of the bedroom and downstairs. Lily heard Rob shout, but a minute later the door went bang. Then Rob ran upstairs. She was trying to tell him not to call the ambulance because they’d bring the police along with them, but she couldn’t speak. Rob just stared at h
er. His head was bleeding. Then he ran back down.

  Lily got up and tried to get downstairs. She got halfway down the stairs when Rob reappeared.

  “Go back up,” he said. “The police are coming.”

  Lily tried to say, “You stupid idiot,” because he’d rung them up and the house was full of needles, weighing scales, heroin, everything. But she still couldn’t speak. She carried on downstairs. Sunny was on the floor screaming his head off. She managed to pick him up with one arm. Rob tried to stand in front of her and block her way, but she just pushed past him. She was still naked so she grabbed a gown from a chair and ran out and came straight round to our place.

  While she was telling me all this two things happened. One was, we heard the police come. The sirens. I kept expecting Rob to turn up but he never did. He went round and hid at Dev’s. The other was, I had this pregnancy test on the table. It was one of those ones that shows you a little ring at the bottom of the tube if you’re pregnant.

  That’s what I was waiting for. You have to wait so many hours. I was sitting next to Lily comforting her, but Sunny was screaming so I had to get up and make him a bottle. This little test tube was in the way. I had a quick glance and it seemed okay, you know? There was no ring, everything was fine, I wasn’t pregnant.

  I thought, that’s something, anyway, and I reached out to move it and as my hand went towards it I had another glimpse and this time there was the little ring at the bottom of the tube. A perfect little ring, saying you got it. I don’t know why I saw two different things; it must have been the angle, the light, I don’t know. But it was too late to stop my hand. I grabbed the tube and everything in it went up in a little puff. The ring was gone as soon as I’d seen it and I had no idea which glimpse was the real one and which one I’d imagined…

  I heard my mum saying, Bad things always come in threes.

  Rob turned up later and they had a terrible argument. She was furious with him for calling the pigs, even though she’d almost been strangled. Obviously they couldn’t go back to their place because the police’d be watching out for them…they were both scared even to go out of the house. We put them up in our bedroom and they were screaming at each other all night—Lily croaking away because of her throat and bursting into tears. One of them started to trash the place. Me and Tar just sat in the kitchen and listened to it; we didn’t dare go in. The baby was ’mazing, quiet as a mouse the whole time, although I heard him crying at night a couple of times.

  It got quiet later on. Me and Tar made up some cushions in the spare room and kipped down there. I said to him, “What’re we gonna do?”

  He was lying there looking at me in the dark. He said, “They can’t stay here.”

  “Why not?”

  “The police are looking for them. We’ll only get done. Anyway, Rob’ll be wanting to carry on dealing and we can’t have two dealers in one house.”

  I thought, You bastard, they did everything for us and now all he can worry about is his business. I shifted about a bit, then I said, “Maybe we ought to move out and let them stay here.”

  “What for?” He sounded surprised.

  “You know what a mess Lily’s in.” It was true. Lily was worse than any of us. She’d got hooked in Manchester, now she’d got addicted again here. “She can’t cope with getting a new place,” I said. “She should stay here. We can go. We could move right out. We could get out of here…”

  Tar shook his head. “I’m not giving up my place for them, why should I?” he said.

  “I mean, we could get right away. You know?”

  There was a pause and then he said, “Not yet, Gems. I’m not ready for that yet.”

  I didn’t say anything. I thought about that little ring at the bottom of the test tube. I thought, When did Tar turn into a shit and when did I fall in love with him?

  He leaned across and kissed me. “Dandelion, I love you,” he said.

  “I love you,” I said. He pulled a smile, I pulled a smile, not real ones. Then he turned over and went to sleep.

  I didn’t tell him about me being pregnant. I knew what he’d say. He’d want me to have it. He keeps saying we should have a baby like Rob and Lily. It’s stupid. We’re both junkies. But the really awful thing is—I want to have it, too. I knew that when I caught that glimpse of the little ring in the bottom of the tube. I wasn’t frightened or upset by it, you see. I was pleased.

  I want to have Tar’s baby. Now that really is stupid, isn’t it?

  I don’t know why I’ve started to love him so much. It always used to be the other way round, him loving me more. I don’t understand myself, because he’s a bastard now, really. He lies, he cheats. He pinches my money. Just helps himself out of my purse. He nicks our stash. He takes the smack and goes away and doesn’t come back till he’s finished it. Then he tells me he loves me. His eyes sort of swivel about. I don’t know if it’s true. I don’t think he knows what’s true any more. I always used to think that when I fell in love, I’d fall for some bastard with an earring. Well, now I have.

  I lay in bed and I thought for a long, long time. About Tar. About Lily and Rob and Sunny. You look in that baby’s eyes—he’s full of it—junk, I mean. He must get it through the milk. She even rubs a few grains on his gums if he’s playing up. He’s a junkie, he’s been a junkie all his little life, he was a junkie before he was even born.

  What was scaring me was, that little blob of jelly inside me seemed like the only thing worth anything I had in the whole world.

  Much later I heard Lily moving around in the sitting room, so I got up, too. She was wandering around with the baby on her arm looking for something in the drawers.

  “Hi.”

  She looked at me. She looked awful. “Yeah.” Sunny was snuffling on her arm, half moaning. “He won’t sleep, I’m looking for his dodee,” she said. She yawned and smiled at me sleepily.

  “Let me hold him for a bit.” She let me take the baby off her. She doesn’t often let me hold Sunny, she clings on to him. I touched the folds of white cloth around his face. He was so sweet. Holding babies always makes me feel broody.

  “I wanna have one,” I said.

  “Yeah, you will one day, Gems, you deserve it.”

  Lily sat down. I put the baby on the settee next to her and made a cup of tea. The lights were on a dimmer switch, very low. It was cosy. The embers were still in the fire. I made a pot of tea and we sat and drank it.

  “How’s your neck?”

  “It hurts.” Lily smiled. I smiled back at her. She looked really motherly and warm in her gown. Sunny was making gurgling noises. I took advantage of Lily being okay about it and had another hold. He ponged.

  “I think he’s filled his nappy,” I said.

  Lily yawned. “I’ll finish my tea first,” she said. “He might”—and she tipped back her head in a great big yawn—“he might do some more…”

  “I’ll do it,” I offered.

  “Nah, I’ll do it.”

  Lily sipped her tea and began to doze. She was so tired, I thought I’d change Sunny for her anyway.

  I took him over to the mat by the fire and undid his nappy. It was a mess. He really did some monsters in there, that baby. He bent his legs back the way babies do and gurgled and cooed and held his feet and tried to eat them. I wiped him clean. Then I let him try and suck my nose.

  There was a voice behind me. “You didn’t have to do that, Gems.”

  I cried, “Ah!” Lily had crept up behind me to see what I was doing. She scared the life out of me. There was something strange in her voice. I spun round. She was staring at my hands on her baby.

  “You fell asleep,” I said.

  She brushed past me and picked up Sunny. She looked at me as if she didn’t know who I was or what I was doing there and said, “No one’s ever gonna take my baby off me.”

  I was just shocked. I said, “I never said that, I never said that.” It never occurred to me. She was looking at me like I was some kind of monste
r come to steal her baby away. And I felt as guilty as hell because now she’d said it it was obvious that she thought it should be taken off her.

  “No one’s ever gonna,” she said, and she turned away with the baby. She sounded like she was going to cry.

  The whole room was buzzing in my ears. I don’t know why it was so powerful. I think it was because the mask slipped. I thought, My God, she’s completely out of her depth. And we both knew it, we both knew she’d shown something she never ever showed to anyone, because suddenly she gave me this little glance over her shoulder. Her face was so scared. She was like a baby herself she was so scared. Then she cradled her head against Sunny, and rubbed her cheek into him and kissed him and loved him.

  “He’s a lovely baby, Gems,” she said. She tried to smile at me. She was just trying to be normal, but it wasn’t normal. She stood there staring at me, trying to keep her face straight, and as I watched, her eyes filled with tears. Her mouth opened and I knew what she was going to say. She was going to say, “Help me.” Don’t ask me why but I just knew. I could see her reaching for the words, but she couldn’t do it. I reached out to hold her but she just shook her head, a stiff little shake.

  There was a horrible few seconds in which I thought she was going to break down and cry. But Lily turned away and went back to the kitchen. She walked around the room a few times. She sat down on the settee. I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what to do. I thought she might suddenly jump up and…and stab me or something. I was sure she was going to be angry the next second.

  Then Lily tipped back her head and yawned, a big, big yawn. I didn’t believe that yawn; it wasn’t real. She turned and smiled that big Lily smile at me, like she was herself again.