Miss Wrong and Mr Right

‘No, Ryan. There is no us. I’m here to talk about you, and the theatre.’

  He shrugged.

  ‘What?’

  ‘First I need to ask you if you want this job?’

  ‘I’ve kind of got it already,’ he said.

  ‘Not for much longer…’

  Ryan looked surprised.

  ‘I’ve been showing up every day. I’m doing everything in my contract,’ he said.

  ‘There was a meeting this morning to discuss firing you,’ I said.

  ‘You can’t afford to fire me,’ said Ryan.

  ‘The thing is, we can fire you. We’ve got good insurance. And then we’d stop paying for this hotel and your flights home…’

  ‘What is this?’

  ‘It would be a pity for you because you’ll make most of your money when Macbeth opens. And then of course there will be all the casting directors and writers who will get to see you in a different light… Right now you’re the drunk guy who’s been fired. You have no manager anymore. This play is your last chance.’

  Ryan suddenly burst into tears, his shoulders heaved as he sobbed. I went over and put my arm around him.

  ‘What do I do?’ he said.

  ‘Have you spoken to your sponsor?’ I asked. He shook his head. ‘Well, you should.’

  ‘Ok, then what? I just can’t stop, I have no one to stop me,’ he said.

  ‘I thought you had friends in London?’

  ‘They’re party friends… And I had a mortifying experience with one of my fans.’

  ‘I don’t want to hear about any one night stands,’ I said.

  ‘No, it’s nothing like that,’ he explained. ‘There’s been this young girl who’s shown up everywhere I go since I’ve been in London. She was at the airport when I arrived, she’s been outside the theatre every day, and my hotel every night. A couple of days ago I saw her waiting on her own outside the hotel… And I was about to have dinner alone, again, so I thought heck why not? And I invited her to have dinner with me…’

  ‘And what was that like?’ I asked.

  ‘Awkward. Her excitement slowly drained away during the entree, she was so disappointed in the real me. By the time they came round with the dessert menu, she made an excuse, saying she had to feed her cat. I’ve never seen her again. She’s stopped waiting outside.’

  There was a pause.

  ‘Do you remember when we were at the farm, and you said you longed to be part of a family?’ I asked.

  He looked up and nodded.

  ‘Well, I’ve arranged just that. For the rest of the play’s run you’ll be staying in my friend Sharon’s back bedroom. She’ll give you food, and you’ll have to do chores. There will be a curfew, and you’ll be driven to and from her house every day. There will be no alcohol or drugs. And if you are found with any, you’ll be fired instantly.’

  Ryan wiped his eyes and sniffed.

  ‘So, do you want to carry on down this road to ruin? Or do you want a chance to change your life and your career?’ I asked.

  ‘I want a chance to change,’ he said meekly.

  An hour later Ryan had showered and changed and we heaved his suitcases down to my car. He was quiet as we drove from Green Park to New Cross, watching the majesty of Central London change to the unvarnished reality of Greater London.

  ‘And this is still London?’ He kept asking every few miles… ‘Even this?’ he added when we drove up the Old Kent Road, past houses with metal panels nailed over the doors and windows, and boarded up shops.

  ‘Yep, still London,’ I said. There was no space outside Sharon’s house, so we went to the big Sainsbury’s car park and I gave Ryan a pound, and told him to get a shopping trolley. We piled it up with his suitcases and he wheeled it round to her front door.

  ‘This seems a nice house,’ he said uneasily when I rang the doorbell.

  A little gnome by the pond in the tiny front garden grinned at us over his fishing rod.

  When I had phoned to ask Sharon this huge favour, she had been adamantly against it.

  ‘I can’t have Ryan Harrison living in my house!’ she cried.

  ‘Are you worried he might go on a drinking binge?’ I asked.

  ‘No. I’m thinking about everything embarrassing I have lying around. He’ll see my frumpy old dressing gown with the cocoa stains on the back of the bathroom door, and I’ve got thrush cream in the bathroom cabinet. And my tea towels are a state. And then there’s his calendar in the pantry.’

  I explained that the theatre would no longer be paying his hotel bill, so we could pay for Ryan renting out her back bedroom.

  ‘Please. We’d be helping each other out,’ I said.

  ‘I can’t compete with the Langham Hotel, Nat! Amy and Felix get Coco Pops for breakfast, and there is always a queue for the bathroom… And often it’s a no-go area after Fred has been, he never opens the window… No. I can’t have my fantasy idol coming into the house and seeing all our reality.’

  ‘Reality is what he needs right now,’ I said. ‘A routine. Everything is on the line for me Sharon. I’d have him at mine, but I’ve got Gran. We’ll pay you the same rate as we’ve been paying for him to stay at the Langham Hotel…’

  I told her how much it was.

  ‘I’ll have a quick tidy round, and make up the spare room for him,’ she said.

  When Sharon opened her front door, she stood in full make-up with her best skinny jeans and jumper combo. Amy and Felix stood shyly a little way behind her.

  ‘Hello!’ she said. ‘Do come in Ryan. I’m Sharon, and this is Amy and Felix.’

  ‘Hey, didn’t we meet at the theatre?’ asked Ryan.

  We all bundled in, lugging in cases. I left the trolley in their front garden.

  ‘Yes, we did. I had a bad reaction to antibiotics that day,’ said Sharon blushing. ‘All that gabbling rubbish…’

  We all went through to the kitchen. Amy and Felix watched Ryan as he had a look round, noting the garden through the long windows at the back.

  ‘Who’d like a drink? Cup of tea, or coffee?’ asked Sharon.

  ‘We’ve got loads of booze, too. Mum’s been stashing it in the cupboard under the stairs,’ said Felix.

  ‘Is it true you enjoy drinking lots of booze?’ said Amy shyly.

  ‘Amy! Felix! What did I say?’ trilled Sharon filling up the kettle.

  ‘You look much more real than you do on the calendar Mum has,’ said Felix.

  ‘Dad reckons you stuffed a sock down your Speedos in March, did you?’ said Amy opening the pantry. The Ryan Harrison calendar swung from side to side on its hook. She flicked to March.

  Ryan laughed.

  ‘They do a lot of airbrushing.’

  ‘Airbrushing? Is that cockney for hair brushing?’ asked Amy. Ryan laughed.

  ‘No, it’s when they make a picture look better using a computer. You see right now I have this zit on my nose,’ he said leaning down to Amy and pointing at his nose. She peered at it.

  ‘Euuuwww,’ she said.

  ‘Yeah it is euuuw. They can take a photo of me and with a computer and airbrushing make it disappear.’

  ‘Wow,’ said Amy.

  The kids looked at Ryan weighing him up. Amy looked to Felix and gave him a nod.

  ‘Do you want to see my remote controlled Dalek?’ asked Felix.

  ‘It’s OURS!’ said Amy. ‘Do you want to see OUR remote control Dalek?’

  ‘Kids, why don’t you let Ryan settle in a bit first?’ said Sharon.

  ‘It’s cool. I’d love to see a real Dalek,’ said Ryan. ‘I’ve heard so much about them.’

  ‘Come on.’ Amy grabbed Ryan’s hand and led him out of the kitchen. Sharon poured me a cup of tea and added milk.

  ‘What do you think Ryan Harrison will want for tea?’ asked Sharon. ‘God I never thought I’d say that! I’d planned egg, potato waffles and beans, but I can’t give him that? He eats at Nobu in Los Angeles.’

  ‘Cook him that, and make him wash up, it will do him
good,’ I said. I took a big gulp of tea and picked up my keys.

  ‘You’re going? Already?’ asked Sharon. ‘You’re leaving me alone with him?!’

  We could hear the sound of the robot Dalek in the living room and shrieks of laughter from Amy and Felix.

  ‘This is the coolest robot!’ we heard Ryan exclaim.

  ‘He sounds like he’s settling in. He’s your lodger now. And I have a million and one things to do and a throbbing headache,’ I said.

  ‘Are you okay Nat?’

  ‘I’m getting there. Just don’t let Ryan leave the house on his own. I don’t think he will, but to be on the safe side, tell him about the man next door, who killed his wife and buried her in the garden.’

  ‘I don’t know how I’ll drop that into conversation,’ said Sharon.

  ‘Please,’ I said. ‘I want to discourage him from going out at night when he’s here.’

  ‘Ok… I know it was a dreadful thing to happen, but I really miss those neighbours. They kept themselves to themselves. The new ones are so bloody chirpy, always poking their heads over the fence for a chat!’

  On my way out, we heard excited screams coming from the living room. An enormous old atlas had been propped up against the sofa cushion, and Ryan was using it as a ramp for the remote controlled Dalek.

  ‘Amy! Felix! That’s your father’s! It’s an antique!’ cried Sharon. ‘You’ll get smacked bottoms the pair of you.’

  ‘It was Ryan’s idea,’ said Felix.

  ‘Yeah,’ agreed Amy. ‘Are you going to smack Ryan’s bottom, Mummy?’

  Ryan looked round.

  ‘Gee sorry ma’am,’ he said.

  Sharon went bright red.

  ‘Ryan is a guest and he didn’t know! Now put it back on the shelf.’

  ‘Ryan,’ I said. ‘You’ve got rehearsals at two this afternoon, and you’ll be working this weekend too.’

  ‘Will you be back for pizza night tonight?’ asked Amy.

  ‘And then it’s DVD night tomorrow, you have to be here for that too, we’re watching Toy Story 3?’ added Felix.

  ‘I can make sure a car has him back at seven,’ I said.

  ‘Yay yay yayyy!’ shouted the kids.

  ‘You’re an instant hit in London, and you haven’t done a show yet!’ I said.

  Ryan grinned and mouthed ‘thank you’. I smiled, and Sharon showed me to the front door.

  ‘Thanks so much for doing this,’ I said. ‘Just don’t smack his bottom too hard…’ I grinned, and before she could protest, ran off pushing the trolley back to the Sainsbury’s car park, praying this gamble would work out for everyone.

  Gentlemen callers

  I phoned Nicky and Craig to say that we were back in business. I was going to come to the theatre, but Nicky told me to take the rest of the day off and go home.

  ‘You must still have concussion honey,’ she said. ‘Let us handle it and we’ll see you tomorrow.’

  When I got back to the flat, Gran was hobbling round the kitchen dishing up some freshly made goulash.

  ‘Come and eat, my darlink,’ she said putting a big steaming bowl and some sliced bread on the table. I was suddenly starving, and wolfed down the bowl of goulash in minutes.

  ‘My foot is feeling better,’ she said watching me with amusement. ‘On Monday ve have the big unveiling!’

  ‘What?’ I asked with a full mouth.

  ‘Ve go to have my stitches out. Ve get to see my lovely new Sophia Loren toe,’ she said. I was finishing my second bowl of goulash, when the buzzer for the door went. Gran got up and hobbled over to the entry phone.

  ‘Natalie, there is a man outside!’ said Gran. ‘Do you know him? What should I do?’

  I got up and joined her, peering at the tiny black and white screen.

  ‘Bloody hell. That’s Benjamin,’ I said. He was looking up at the camera and was dressed in jeans, and a t-shirt with a picture of Ghandi sitting cross-legged.

  ‘Shall I let him in?’ she asked, her finger poised on the button.

  ‘No, I’ll go to the door,’ I said.

  ‘Namaste, Natalie, I’m here to get my toothbrush,’ said Benjamin importantly when I opened the door. I ducked into the bathroom and came back with his toothbrush and the charger wound round it.

  ‘Here,’ I said thrusting it at him. Benjamin looked at it then at me.

  ‘And I need my key back,’ I said. He reached into his pocket and handed it over. We stood in silence for a moment.

  ‘Is that it Natalie?’ he said, surprised.

  ‘Were there replacement heads for the toothbrush too?’ I asked.

  ‘No. Is that all you can say after our relationship?’

  ‘Pretty much,’ I said, and went to close the door. He put his hand out and stopped it.

  ‘Laura’s pregnant,’ he said. ‘Twins.’

  ‘Congratulations,’ I said. ‘Just don’t put her in charge of mealtimes. All I’ve ever seen her eat is pickled onion crisps.’

  I went to close the door, but he stopped it again.

  ‘We could try again, Nat? I think we fitted well together, we have similar interests, we want the same things…’

  I stared at him in disbelief for a minute.

  ‘I am nothing like you Benjamin. You are going to be a father, which frightens me. God help your twins. You are a deeply selfish, boring, humourless individual who finds himself so bloody interesting. You seem to think that yoga is some kind of calling or religion. But you know what it is?’ I asked.

  ‘What?’ he said shocked.

  ‘It’s keep fit. It’s a fucking workout class. You think you’re the Dalai Lama, but in reality you’re a second-rate Rosemary Conley. And for all the tantric sex you practise, you never gave me an orgasm in all the time we were together! Oh, and FYI, that’s Ben Kingsley on your t-shirt. He played Ghandi.’

  I slammed the door and went inside. Gran was in the kitchen still holding the video entry phone to her ear.

  ‘Wow Natalie. I didn’t think you had it in you,’ said Gran.

  ‘Gran, I just need a moment,’ I said. I went to the bathroom and I splashed cold water on my face. I looked at myself in the mirror. I had no make-up on, bags under my eyes and my hair was a fright. I really needed a cocktail. I went back into the kitchen and the door buzzer went again.

  ‘What does he want now?’ I said.

  ‘Natalie, it’s not Benjamin,’ said Gran. ‘Look!’ she said peering at the little screen. Jamie stood outside.

  ‘I don’t believe this,’ I said. He buzzed again. He didn’t look happy. ‘Okay, now we’re doing this, I’ve got some things I want to say to him too!’ I said.

  ‘Open the door! He’s leaving,’ said Gran pushing me in the direction of the front door. Jamie had turned to go, vanishing from the little black and white screen.

  Jamie was near the gate when I opened my front door. He turned and came back towards me. I could see his eyes were red from crying.

  ‘I’m sorry Nat, the gate was open,’ he said. ‘Can I come in for a sec?’

  ‘Is this about Tuppence? She said some horrible things, and I didn’t know all her hair would come off when I pulled…’

  ‘It’s not about that,’ he said. The sky was grey and it had started to rain. I nodded and he followed me back inside. He slipped off his shoes and we went through to the kitchen where Gran was loading up a cocktail shaker with ice and vodka.

  ‘My goodness, here is a sight for sore eyes!’ she said limping over to give him a hug. He grasped her warmly and then she pulled away to look at his face.

  ‘It has been a long time,’ she said looking up into his eyes. ‘And you’re even more handsome than I remember… What’s this? You’ve got fat like Natalie?’

  I was about to protest that she was calling us both overweight, when I saw Gran examining the side of his face. Faintly, Jamie had the same FAT bruise as me.

  ‘Tuppence hit you with her award too?’ I said.

  ‘Yeah. We’re on a break,??
? he said.

  ‘I’ve never understood what on a break means,’ said Gran.

  ‘It means Tuppence wants to weigh up her options… Now she has a reality show, she doesn’t want to waste her time doing theatre,’ said Jamie.

  ‘So why are you here?’ I asked. Gran shot me a look. ‘Sorry, I’m just being cautious,’ I added. ‘Things have got pretty nasty.’

  Jamie nodded.

  ‘This isn’t about work or the theatres… It’s my Nan, she’s got worse. In fact, Mum rang to say she might not last the night,’ he said. He stopped for a moment and had to wipe his face with the back of his hand. ‘I have to get home to Devon, but there’s engineering works on the trains… I haven’t got a driving licence. I’m here to ask you, please, if you would consider getting me home…’ he broke down crying. Gran reached out and grabbed his hand. She looked at me.

  ‘Of course, I can take you,’ I said. ‘I’ve got a car… I’ll have to come back though…’

  ‘Just a lift,’ he said. ‘I’d owe you big time. Thank you. And I’ll pay for the petrol and…’

  ‘It’s fine,’ I said.

  The skies opened as I pulled out of the underground car park onto Beak Street. Even with the windscreen wipers on full blast the window was an endless swirl of water. Jamie was quiet at first, then his phone rang. It was his mother.

  I had seen Mrs Dawson once since our wedding that never was. It had been during a visit home, only a few months later, and she had been on the high street in Sowerton. I had seen her across the road coming towards me, and had ducked down the alleyway that led between two shops to a pay and display car park. At the last minute she had seen me, but I was in the process of darting away.

  ‘Mum, Natalie is giving me a lift… Yes, Natalie Love.’ Jamie covered the phone. ‘She says to say thank you, and it will be lovely to see you again.’

  ‘It’s no worry… but I have to be back in London… I’ll just drop you off,’ I said.

  I squirmed a little. Jamie chatted some more, and asked what was going on. The pauses got longer, and he said very little.

  ‘Uh huh… Right… Ok.’ Then he put the phone down. ‘She says we need to hurry,’ he said in a small voice.