Thornbear (Book 1)

  “You won’t lose me, Mother.”

  “I already have,” she said in a small voice. “Where is your father? Where are your grandfathers? Have you noticed that all the men in our family are dead?” She rose and left the room, returning only moments later. When Gram saw her face it tore at his heart, her eyes were red and her face streaked with tears. Worse, in her hands she held the replica of Thorn that he and Matthew had hung on her wall.

  “This is what killed them,” she said. “Every single one of them, my father, your father, your father’s father; they all died fighting.” She thrust the weapon into his hands. “Take it. It’s yours. You’ll start training tomorrow.”

  Gram’s cheeks were wet as he took the sword, the sword he had already stolen, though she didn’t know it. “I won’t die. There are no wars these days…”

  “There are always wars,” she told him. “Men find ways to make them, for good or ill. One day you will find your own war.”

  “I won’t…”

  Rose pressed her finger to his lips. “Hush. I’ve made up my mind, and I’ll say no more, but to give you one piece of wisdom, the knowledge that your father learned before he died. War is death, whether it kills you or not. Kill or be killed, whether you die or whether you slay your enemies by the thousands, it leaves you dead inside. Every life you take will lay a price on your soul, so weigh it carefully. Never pay it unless the gain is worth the loss.”

  “I will make you proud, Mother.”

  She seemed to curl in on herself, even as his arms went around her, trying to comfort her. “I am already proud, a proud daughter, a proud widow, and a proud mother. Pride is all I have, and as I enter the autumn of my life it is a poor substitute for family.”

  They cried together, until she pushed him away. “I’m done,” she said then. “No more weeping, if you are to be a knight, then be the best.” She left him standing alone.

  He heard Carissa’s voice in the other room, “Momma, what’s wrong?”

  His grandmother entered and hugged him. “I told her it would come to this.”

  “I’m sorry, Nana,” he replied. “I think I’ve broken her heart.”

  “Shhh,” she soothed. “Women’s hearts are not so weak as that. She will mend.”

  Chapter 24

  Gram joined the other young men on the training field the next day.

  Robert Lethy was the first to greet him when he approached, “Hello Gram.”

  “I’m sorry, Robert,” was all Gram could say.

  “It’s alright,” said Robert, ever forgiving.

  Perry simply offered his hand, which Gram shook wordlessly. They had already made their peace.

  He had apologized to everyone that had been involved in the incident at the ball, but he had yet to speak to Sir Cyhan directly.

  “Gram will be joining us from today onward,” announced Cyhan. His announcement elicited curious looks from the others but he ignored them. “Step aside with me for a moment,” he added, pointing at Gram.

  They walked a short distance apart from the others.

  “Please forgive me, Zaihair,” said Gram.

  “For what?”

  “For fighting at the ball, for injuring your squires. I’ve dishonored your…”

  “Shut up,” said Cyhan, interrupting him. “You will only address me as ‘zaihair’ when we train in private. As for apologizing, I will tell you when you must do so.”

  “But, the other day…?”

  “Your fights with other men are none of my concern, boy.”

  “I was wrong to start a fight in the hall, though,” insisted Gram.

  “I’m not your father, nor your judge. It’s for your mother and the Count to decide the right and wrong of your actions. I only intervened when it was necessary, to prevent you killing that young fool,” said Cyhan.

  “We’ve settled our differences.”

  “Good, you aren’t ready to kill yet.”

  “Begging your pardon, sir, but what?” Gram was thoroughly confused.

  “Did you think I stopped you to protect my squire? He made his choice when he insulted you. I would hate to lose him but I’m not here to coddle idiots. I stopped you because it would have set your progress back, or even ruined you. Like your father, you’re tender hearted. Killing him would have damaged your resolve, your heart.”

  “So you wouldn’t have cared?”

  Cyhan grimaced, “I told you, boy. Most fight with their bodies, some with their minds, and a few, the crazy ones, like you, with their hearts. Killing someone in anger at this stage would have damaged you—here!” He struck Gram’s chest with his palm. “When you’re ready, when you have defeated yourself, then you can make your own choices about whether or not to kill.”

  “And you don’t care who I kill?”

  “I trust you to make your own decisions. I have my own oaths, people I’ve sworn to obey and protect. If you find yourself at cross-purposes with me, then you have a problem, for I am the one person you will probably never be able to beat.”

  Gram thought about his words. “Why not?”

  “Because I’m your teacher. That’s why you folded up when I cuffed you the other day. You’re already good enough that you’d be a hard fight—if I was a stranger. Soon you’ll be better than that, but raising your hand against the one that taught you is next to impossible. Could you strike your mother?”

  “Never!”

  “Exactly. And that is why you won’t ever be able to beat me, but I’ll damn well make sure you’re a match for anyone else,” said the old knight.

  “Is there anyone you can’t beat?” asked Gram.

  “Not any longer,” said Cyhan.

  “What about your teacher?”

  “He’s dead.” The knight turned away then, and began walking back to the others.

  “What happened to him?”

  “No more questions.”

  ***

  Gram had another surprise waiting for him when he returned home later in the day.

  He was tired, all the way down to his bones. The morning’s training had been physically exhausting. Sparring in heavy mail followed by a long run had tested his endurance, and then, after lunch, he had gone to face another session alone with Cyhan. Despite his teacher’s assurance that he didn’t need to apologize, Cyhan had made certain that Gram didn’t walk away without quite a few bruises.

  Returning to his family’s apartments, he had hoped for a brief rest and perhaps a chance to wash before heading to the great hall. Instead he found that the front room had been rearranged. The smaller table had been removed and a larger one brought in. It appeared to be set for five.

  “What’s this?” he asked.

  “Momma wants to have a private dinner,” said Carissa as she finished helping one of the kitchen maids set the table.

  They had done as much in the past, but only rarely. Rose preferred to eat amongst her peers. She had often lectured Gram on the importance of being seen, both to maintain social bonds and to reassure those who served them.

  “There’s a fifth seat,” he pointed out. The fourth was likely for their grandmother, but the fifth was a mystery to him.

  “We are having a guest,” answered his sister, giving him a sly smile.

  Rose entered then, carrying a decanter. Setting it on the table she looked at him before making a face and sniffing. “Go clean up, you stink of rust and sweat.”

  He gathered a fresh tunic and went to do as she asked. When he was returning some half an hour later, he found that his grandmother had just arrived and was standing in the hall. He hurried to open the door for her. “Do you know who is coming for dinner?” he asked.

  Elise winked at him, “You’ll see in a few minutes.”

  When the knock came a little later, he rushed to open the door. Alyssa stood outside. “It’s you,” he said in surprise.

  She smiled nervously, “It’s me.”

  “Do come in.”

  She stepped inside, and Gram ushere
d her to a seat at the table, while Rose sent the maid to tell the kitchen that they were ready. They all sat then, and Rose nodded to Carissa. She stood and lifting the decanter set out already, began to pour.

  “Would you like some wine?” his sister asked their guest.

  “Please, thank you.”

  Gram followed her example and took some as well, his eyes darting back and forth as he watched the women of his family. What is this all about? he wondered.

  They began to chat then, small talk about the weather and similar nonsense. When the food came a short time later, Gram found himself relieved. Despite his mother’s best efforts, he had never learned to enjoy such empty conversations. He was grateful for something to do with his hands.

  As they finished their food and the meal came to a close he began to feel a sense of trepidation. His mother was very traditional, and he knew that her true reason for the invitation would soon become clear. Once they had eaten, and only then, would she reveal her purpose.

  “I have to thank you for caring for my son in my absence,” said Lady Rose after the empty platters were taken away. “In particular for stitching his wounds.”

  “It was a small thing,” replied Alyssa. “Lady Thornbear would have done it if I hadn’t been there.”

  Elise leaned forward, “Even so, it was neatly done. I like a woman that isn’t afraid to do what must be done.”

  “I think he likes having scars,” put in Carissa.

  They laughed at that, and then Gram spoke, directing his words to Alyssa, “I’d like to apologize for spoiling the ball, especially right after your song.”

  “Anytime would have been a bad time,” said Rose, remonstrating him.

  “Did you like my singing?” asked the young woman.

  “It was amazing!” enthused Carissa. “You have the loveliest voice.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Your talent is rare and exceptional,” agreed Rose, “but I have a more important matter to discuss with you. May I speak frankly?”

  Alyssa dipped her head respectfully, “I am honored to be invited into your home. Please ask me whatever you wish.”

  “My son is in love with you.”

  Gram choked on his wine and began coughing uncontrollably. Everyone ignored him, though. Elise and Carissa were watching his mother and Alyssa with keen eyes.

  Alyssa remained still, showing no sign of shock, though she didn’t reply immediately. After a minute she blinked and it was then that Gram realized that she had not done so for almost a full minute.

  “You’ll forgive me for startling you, I hope,” added Rose.

  “He’s completely besotted,” agreed Carissa.

  Gram glared at his sister, finally finding his voice, “I am not drunk.”

  “That’s not what I mean,” said Carissa.

  Elise shushed her, putting a hand on the girl’s arm, “Let them talk.”

  “I didn’t expect that,” admitted Alyssa.

  “But you already knew,” said Rose. “Don’t play coy.”

  “Yes, Lady Rose.”

  “Just Rose,” answered his mother. “If we’re to be family then we can drop the titles.”

  “Family?! But…,” Alyssa had finally lost her composure, she started to rise from her chair but Elise put a hand on her shoulder, pushing her back down.

  “Sit down, girl.”

  Gram had his face in his hands by then, uttering a low groan.

  Rose studied the young woman across from her, “Do you love my son?”

  Gram opened spread his fingers so that he could see through them, unable to look away. He felt as though he had entered some terrible play, but he desperately wanted to see how it ended, no matter how painful it was to watch. Alyssa’s head was down, staring at the table in front of her.

  Seeing that, his heart fell. She can’t say it, or maybe she doesn’t believe it.

  A small voice caught the silence, “Beyond hope and despite all reason, I do. I love him.”

  Carissa let out a long sigh; she had been holding her breath. “Whew.”

  Gram felt much the same, “May I say something?”

  Three women and one girl answered as one, “No.”

  “I cannot marry him, though,” announced Alyssa. “My father won’t allow it.”

  “Then why would he foster you out?” asked Elise.

  “That was my mother’s idea, but Father has other plans for me.”

  Rose looked at her with one brow raised, “Let me worry about that.”

  “There’s nothing you can do,” protested Alyssa.

  “I have already sent a letter to your family, requesting permission to visit them in the spring. We can discuss it then.”

  Alyssa’s face showed terror then, and she stood abruptly, “No! You can’t do that.”

  “I can and have. Trust me, girl, I can be very persuasive,” said Rose.

  Elise chuckled and Carissa moved to stand behind Alyssa, patting her shoulder calmly.

  “Don’t worry,” said Gram’s sister. “Momma will fix it. Your father doesn’t stand a chance.”

  Alyssa looked at Gram, a single tear rolling down her cheek, “I do love you.”

  The others took it as a hopeful sign, but Gram felt a deep sorrow in her gaze. The words meant one thing, but behind them was another message, and it felt like a good-bye. He rose and embraced her, unable to remain at a distance from her any longer.

  His mother spoke then, “Also, I must ask that you refrain from sleeping with my son anymore, at least until after we’ve spoken to your father.”

  Gram whirled on her, “By all the dead gods! Is there anything you won’t say?”

  Carissa was pointing at him, one hand over her mouth, “You didn’t!”

  Elise began to cackle, venting her laughter like an old crone while Alyssa buried her face against Gram’s back.

  “Yes, ma’am,” she said into the space between his shoulders.

  Chapter 25

  Two days later Gram found himself riding across the fields beyond Washbrook with Alyssa beside him. It was still morning, but just barely. The sun was rising close to its apex for the day, and soon the folks at the castle would be gathering for lunch. The two lovers had other plans, however, and the saddlebags on their mounts were packed for a pleasant picnic.

  Gram had already gotten permission from Cyhan to skip his afternoon session and he was looking forward to spending some time alone with Alyssa.

  “Not here,” she told him when he suggested they stop in a pleasant spot bordering the forest. “Let’s find a shady glen.” She turned her horse toward the woods.

  “Sure,” he said agreeably and soon they were picking their way along shady forest lanes. Twenty minutes later they were far from any human habitation, or prying eyes.

  They unpacked in a grassy spot, where the trees opened up enough to provide the earth with warm sunshine. Alyssa had brought a large blanket, which she spread on the ground to provide a place for their meal.

  The cups and a jug of wine came out first, and Gram poured them each a little.

  She drank hers down in a long swallow, making him raise his eyebrows, and then she set it aside, leaning in for a kiss.

  He responded in kind, but pulled away a moment later. “We haven’t eaten yet.”

  “That can wait.” Her eyes held an unspoken urgency.

  “They asked us not to…”

  She kissed him again, and he reconsidered his opinion.

  It had been some time since they had been alone together, and despite his best intentions, he found himself reaching a conclusion far sooner than he might have liked. He began to pull away, but she held onto him tightly.

  “No, don’t stop.”

  “I’m too close,” he told her, panting.

  She twined her legs around his hips, urging him deeper. “I don’t care. I want this.”

  “But…”

  “Just this once,” she whispered into his ear. “Just today, please…”


  He looked into her eyes, and a growl rose in his throat. Pressing her down he gave free rein to the primal beast within, and soon enough they were both crying out, mad with the passion of youth.

  Afterward they ate some of the food she had packed, though there was far too much for the two of them to consume.

  “I can’t eat all of this,” he admitted.

  The expression on her face was one of terrible sadness. “I know. I think I overdid it.”

  “Why the long face?”

  She studied the ground, “I can’t explain it.”

  “Try.”

  “I love you, Gram, but I know this will come to ruin.”

  “Is your father really that bad?”

  A light breeze plucked at her hair. “His intentions are good, but his methods are...,” she stopped. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  He sighed, “I think I can understand that.” Leaning over, he brushed his lips across the back of her neck, sending a thrill down her spine.

  “This is the last time for us,” she said bleakly.

  “What does that mean?”

  “We can’t be together anymore, this is the last time.”

  He thought about her promise to his mother, the one they had just broken. “I guess you’re right. We shouldn’t do this anymore. But it’s just temporary, until we get your father’s permission to wed. How long before you have to be back at the castle?”

  “Not until dinner time.”

  “Then let’s make it count for something,” he said, and then he used his lips to express himself more directly, kissing her cheek and then tracing her jawline.

  Moments later she met them with a hungry ferocity that both surprised and delighted him, and they spent the rest of the afternoon exploring the limits of their strength.

  The sun was low on the horizon when they relented at last and began packing the scattered remains of their picnic back into the saddlebags. Alyssa put the food into hers.

  “I’ll keep this,” she said. “I’m going to skip dinner this evening.”

  Gram was disappointed, “Why?”