Courageous: Afterlife Book Four

  "I'm fine," he said. "They're just being overly protective in here. They keep fussing over me."

  I chuckled. Jason laughed too. Then his face was strained in pain. "Well as long as I don't laugh, I'm fine," he said.

  "Thank you," I whispered after a short pause.

  "For what?" he asked. "You saved me, remember? How did you do that trick with the water? It was really cool."

  "It kind of was," I replied. "Luckily it worked too. I haven't been able to do it in a long time actually."

  "Well, it sure worked alright." He paused and became serious.

  I felt a pinch in my stomach. He looked at me with his soft brown eyes that almost swallowed me. They were so deep and beautiful. He sighed, then reached out his other hand and touched my cheek gently. It felt like a wave of pleasant electricity running through my entire body. I gasped. Jason stared at me with urgency in his eyes, like this moment was important to him beyond anything.

  "What is it with you?" he asked.

  "What do you mean?"

  "I feel ... I feel so drawn to you." Jason sat up in the bed and pulled me closer. Our faces were next to each other now. I could feel his breath on my face. I breathed heavily. Jason closed his eyes. "It's like ... I can't describe it. It's so strange." He held my face between his hands and looked me straight in the eyes. "It's like I know you, as if I've always known you. Like yesterday. I somehow knew you were in danger. I just sensed it. It was like an insisting inside of me, an urgency that I couldn't ignore no matter how hard I tried. I was drawn towards the kitchen, I had to go there. I mean how silly is that? I have never been in there before. Why all of a sudden? Why now?"

  I grabbed his wrists and pulled away a little. "Well I'm glad you listened to that voice inside of you. That's what I came to say. Thank you."

  "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to frighten you. I know you're a married woman. I have been fighting this feeling inside of me ever since I met you for the first time on the cliffs. You remember that? The night your baby kicked? Ever since then I haven't been able to stop thinking about you."

  I shook my head then floated backwards. "Jason, I don't think ..."

  "It's appropriate? No, I guess it isn't," he answered. "You're married and with child. I know I should keep away from you, but ..." Jason bit his lip. "Well I guess I can't help it. I keep telling myself that you're happy with that guy, that I'm being stupid for thinking about you. But ..." Jason threw his arms in the air. "Well, I just can't help it. It's like I knew I loved you from the day I met you, as if I’ve known you all of my life. I guess I have to try and get you out of my head, huh? Please promise me that you won't let him treat you that way again. I can't believe he would act like that to the woman he loves. He doesn't know how lucky he is."

  "I'm not going back to him," I said. "I annulled the marriage."

  Jason's face lit up. "You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that," he said. "The way he acted towards you on the balcony, I knew he was bad news. And yesterday . . . I was afraid you were going to go back to him, even after that."

  "Well, I'm not. But I am going to have his child and right now that's what I need to focus on."

  Jason nodded. "Of course." He exhaled. "Maybe I'll see you around?"

  I nodded shyly. "Sure."

  Feeling Jason's eyes on me, watching my every move I turned my back to him and went through the door to Abhik who was still waiting outside.

  CHAPTER 31

  I SLEPT IN one of the guest-chambers the since I didn't want to be in mine and Mick's tower room alone and constantly be reminded of our disastrous marriage. I spent the days sitting in the windowsill of my new room and staring at the black forest surrounding the castle. Some days I cried while thinking about how horrible the last months with Mick had been after we had gotten married and maybe it even went wrong before that, I thought. I scrutinized for hours and hours and realized it had always been bad between the two of us. The jealousy, the rage had always come between us. Soon I came to the conclusion that I had loved Jason more than I ever loved Mick and that had come between us. It had been wrong from the beginning. Why had I then chosen to be with Mick? He made me feel good, he made me feel secure, he was there and he loved me so much. He had wanted me so badly that it was hard to say no. It was hard to follow my heart when there were so many good reasons to be with Mick and the only reason not to was that my heart wanted someone else, that I loved someone else more, someone who wasn't even here at the time, someone I didn't even know if I would ever see again. Now Jason was here, now he was telling me that he longed for me even if he didn't know me, or our history. Why had I not told him everything in the hospital? Why had I been frightened when he told me all of those things? Fear, I guessed. Fear of repeating my mistakes, fear of rushing into something I wasn't ready for yet. I needed time, I thought. I needed time to find myself in the midst of all this turbulence.

  Slowly, while resting in the chambers and taking occasional floats above the castle with Abhik, I regained my strength. I began preparing food for myself again and even for Abhik as well. He and I found our own rhythm, enjoying each other's company simply hanging out and talking about everything and nothing. I was hurting, my heart was broken, but I wasn't going to let it pull me down. I was determined to enjoy my life from now on no matter what my circumstances looked like. I was pressing through even if some days I was overwhelmed with fear and worry about the future, about the prospect of becoming a single mother.

  It was terrifying, but I knew I would never be completely alone, I thought one day as I Abhik showed me some new tricks on the clouds that he had learned. I knew he would always be there for me. I smiled at him as he fell through the cloud and tumbled onto the next one. "That wasn't it!" he yelled. He stuck his head out of the soft cloud. "I know I can do it," he said with a grin. "I just need a little more speed."

  I smiled and waved while resting on my own cloud above the castle. A giant rainbow towered next to me like a huge mountain. But what about Abhik's own life? It suddenly struck me. I turned and looked at him while he stumbled and fell again trying to impress me. There would come a time when he needed to focus on his own life. Maybe that time was closer than I thought? He had been dating Mai for quite some time now. One day they might want to start a family of their own? Then what?

  Abhik climbed the cloud again, and then floated into the air. He took a running leap then jumped the cloud again and this time managed to do a handstand while surfing it. I waved and laughed while he screamed proudly at his accomplishment. It was important that I didn't get in the way of his happiness I realized at that second. I waved again. Then I touched my stomach gently, caressing it.

  "I guess it's going to be just you and me for eternity," I said.

  Maybe that wasn't so bad after all.

  "Did you see it?" Abhik asked as he approached me.

  "I did," I said, nodding. "You're getting very good at acrobatics. I guess you'll have to teach me when the baby is born."

  We both paused and looked at each other knowing that this could be our last time doing this, hanging out like this. None of us knew what it was going to be like once the baby was here, but both of us knew that nothing would ever be the same.

  I was approaching my due date when one evening I went for a float at the cliffs by the ocean. I enjoyed immensely being able to come and go as I pleased, and do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it and never having to be accountable to Mick, or fearing that he was going to be in a bad mood. There were no reproaches, no blame, no shame, no right nor wrong, no hurt feelings and no jealousy. It was just me and my unborn baby. So this night I went to smell the ocean breeze and watch the moon rise. The ocean was extremely calm on this beautiful clear night and the stars shone like small suns above my head. I thought about my honeymoon with Mick chasing stars and seeing them be born or die in supernovas. Except for the catastrophic ending I had quite enjoyed the trip. It was one of those memories of Mick that I wanted to preserve. I wanted to remember hi
m for the good things, the romantic gestures. I could never forget all the other stuff, but I didn't want to think about them. They made me too sad, too hurt.

  The moon peeked up above the horizon now. It was huge this night and I felt so close to it, like I could reach out and touch it. After being lost in space I had no desire to go out there again, though. That was a done chapter in my life. I wasn't going back.

  I felt the baby kicking and chuckled. It was getting stronger and stronger by the day, I thought. I was looking more and more forward to seeing his or her face, to look into his or her eyes. I was also looking very much forward to once again having my body for myself.

  "Beautiful, huh?"

  The voice coming from behind me startled me and I turned with a gasp. Jason's deep brown eyes stared back at me. He smiled boyishly.

  "Thought I might find you down here," he said.

  "It is my favorite spot," I said.

  "With fear of sounding creepy, I’ve been coming here a lot lately, hoping to find you here again, like I did the last time."

  "It's not that creepy."

  "But a little?"

  I shook my head while smiling. "Not at all. It's actually very sweet."

  "Phew. I was going for sweet, but you never know, right?" he said and moved closer.

  I looked at his beautiful face. I always felt so calm being near him, so at peace. Like everything just made sense. How I had missed being close to him. All those times coming to visit him on Earth not being able to touch him again. Now I finally could, now I was finally close to him, talking to him yet I felt such guilt. Towards who? I asked myself. Mick? The baby? Was it just that since everything concerning Jason had been connected with such shame and guilt that I couldn't shake it even now when I wasn't even with Mick anymore? I reached out my hand and touched his cheek gently. I felt a chill run over my body. A nice chill. I removed my hand again.

  "Don't," he said. "It felt nice."

  I shook my head slowly while our eyes locked. Then I lifted my hand again and touched his cheek. I breathed heavily.

  He grabbed my wrist. "You know what? I have an idea," he said his eyes sparkling in excitement and anticipation.

  I smiled. "Now what?"

  He pulled my hand towards the ocean. "Come. I want to show you something. It's truly amazing. You have to see it."

  "If you say so," I said and let him guide me out over the cliff and towards the water. When we came close to the ocean, he grabbed my waist and like a torpedo we shot through the surface deep into the dark ocean.

  CHAPTER 32

  I CLOSED MY eyes when we went through the surface. Now the water surrounded us as we shot further into it. I opened my eyes and stared into the deep darkness. My stomach flinched and I felt a little frightened. Where was he taking me? I had been swimming in the ocean before and that felt amazing, and only once had I been under the surface when Mick jokingly pulled me under and I felt like I was suffocating. Now I knew I didn't have to breathe but still the claustrophobic feeling overwhelmed me as we shot further and further down in the complete darkness of the ocean. I felt Jason's arm around my waist and sensed he was holding on to me tightly, not wanting to let go. It felt nice even if it was a scary situation. I hoped he knew what he was doing. Part of me feared that we wouldn't be able to find our way back to the castle. My heart beat faster and faster. The darkness surrounding us reminded me of the many hours I spent alone in the black hole. I put my hands on Jason's to make sure he didn't let go. Was it possible to get stuck down here like I had been stuck in the darkness of the black hole? Could we get lost and never find our way back? I fought my rising sense of panic. Jason's strong arms held me tight as I spotted something in the distance. It was light. Light ahead of us? How could that be? Was it moving? Were the lights moving?

  Jason brought us closer to the lights that soon looked like stars in the sky, only they were moving fast, leaving long lines of light in the water. What were those?

  We came closer and little by little the light became brighter, soon I could see Jason's gentle face above me and the coral reef in front of us. We reached the bottom and I looked around. Fish in so many colors and shapes, reef and all around us these small glowing fish that lit up the entire area so we could watch it, and watch each other.

  "This is the best part," Jason said.

  I looked at him startled. He talked under water? Jason laughed and nodded. "I know. It's weird, right. But we can actually talk under water. I discovered it by coincidence one day when I went for a swim. Next time I went in I dove down here and saw all of this."

  I stared at him in disbelief. "Try it," he said. "Say something."

  I wasn't sure. It felt so wrong, I thought. Then I opened my lips and spoke. "Like this?" I said. I gasped, and then I laughed. My mouth was filled with water, but it didn't matter. We had no lungs, no heart, and no internal organs like the human body. It felt like we did. I often told myself I felt my heart beating or my pulse pumping, but it was just something I thought I did. It was like phantom limbs, I had been told. The brain still believed that we had our human body and therefore we had sensations from the organs that didn't exist anymore. It took years to stop thinking of your body as human as we had been used to all of our lives.

  I laughed again feeling the tickling sensation of the water entering my body and mixing with my fluid body.

  "Now see this," Jason said. He took in a huge amount of water, and then spurted it out so fast it caused his body to spin really fast.

  It looked amazing. When he was done he swam to me looking dizzy. "Now you try," he said.

  I opened my mouth and took in loads of water. Then with all my strength I spurted it out and started spinning. It felt wonderful and I had to laugh out loud. I spun and spun until I was so dizzy I hardly knew what was up or down. A flock of pink jellyfish was above my head and caused me to stumble in the water. Jason reached out and grabbed me. I laughed and laughed like I hadn't done in a very long time. It felt so good to finally just be happy, to finally let go. It was like my entire body was bubbling with joy. Jason laughed too while holding me. I stared at the jellyfish above us. They were pulsating as they moved slowly across the ocean. Then a stream of small blue fish darted across in the other direction. It was all so alive, so bubbly. Kind of reminded me of being in outer space except this was more intense. There were animals and life all over the place. Plants vibrated and waved in the water, fish, seahorses, clams it was all moving like it was dancing in the waves of the ocean. It was breathtaking.

  "What are those?" I asked and pointed at the different types of glowing fish that was both above and beneath us.

  "Fluorescent fish. There are a ton of them. All kinds of shapes and colors. They only live in the deep sea. We are in deeper than any human has ever gone."

  "It's incredible. Look at that one with the sharp teeth. It looks like it has a nightlight on his head," I said laughing.

  "It might need it for a little night reading," Jason said. "What about that one." He pointed at a jellyfish close to us with bright fluorescent green tentacles. "I read in a book from the library that the red fluorescence in the middle of it comes from algae it eats."

  "Wow," I said and stared into the deep water with all its life, colors and light. Who would have known, I thought. That there could be this much life and light this deep down?

  Jason laughed and grabbed my waist. "I told you it was awesome," he said grinning.

  We spun in the water and suddenly we were face to face. He closed his eyes with a sigh. Then he leaned forward and put his lips on mine. The kiss was warm and soft.

  After spending hours and hours under water we finally found our way back to the cliffs in front of the castle. We played in the waves on our way back and jumped light and freely like dolphins, laughing, playing, enjoying.

  We sat at the cliffs shaking the rest of the water from our bodies. Jason grabbed my hand and kissed it gently. A feeling of guilt made me pull it away.

  "I'm sorry if I
am moving too fast," he said. "I know you're recovering from a broken heart. It's just ..." He lifted his head till his eyes met mine. "It's just that I can't stay away from you. I think about you constantly. Day and night. I wonder where you are, if you're okay, what you're doing. I’ve been fighting it for so long and I'm not sure I can fight it anymore. It's eating me up. It's like ... It's like ..." He moaned. "I know it's going to sound phony, but it's like I need you. Like I can't live without you any longer. My whole entire being craves and demands to be with you. If you tell me you don't feel the same way, then I'll leave right away and let you go. It will be with a crushed heart, but I will do it anyway. But, Meghan. If you feel the connection as strong as I do, if you feel just slightly the same way that I do, then ... well then I really think we should give in to it."

  Jason looked at me like he was expecting me to rip his heart out and crush it right there on the spot. If he had only known how long I had longed for him to speak words like those to me. If he only knew.

  "See there it is again," he said. "I'm scaring you when I talk like this, don't I? Why do I insist on coming on so desperate?"

  I chuckled. "No. No. It's just... Well I can't explain it to you."

  I thought for a second about Mick and how he had kept everything a secret, everything about my life. But I also knew I couldn't tell him the truth. It was something he was going to figure out later. The Academy was a journey and I wasn't going to ruin it. "It's nothing," I said. Then I grabbed his hand and held it in mine. "I do feel the connection," I said. I lifted my eyes and met his. "I feel it very strongly. And I am attracted to you. Immensely. But I am also about to give birth to a child belonging to another man and I have no idea what the future holds for me, how it's going to be like to be alone with a child."

  Jason smiled. "Does anyone really know what the future holds?"

  "I guess not," I answered.

  "Then let's face it together."